mellow

Some of you kind of know my story but anyway, today I asked my b/f if he would reconsider AA meetings. While he was in treatment he got hung up on the higher power concept thing and just shut down. He has dyslexia to a degree so had trouble reading the big book and had an extreme amount of trouble getting through all the written work and reading work. When I would go to visit him I would read the questions and explain. He was too proud to tell anyone he needed help and just coasted through. I have been spending a lot of time reading the big book and highlighting different passages.

He said no to AA meetings so I asked him if the next time we were together if he would at least let me read to him the highlighted passages and we could talk about his misconceptions. I promised him I would not nag at him to attend meetings. He's been out of treatment 56 days and has drank or used 53 of those days.

In the meantime, I will go to Al-Anon meetings and take care of myself.

He hadn't called in a couple of days and he asked if I was mad because he didn't call. I said no. I'm not mad, I do get concerned but that as long as your name wasn't in the obituaries you must still be breathing.

As long as he is breathing there is always the hope that God will knock him upside the head and he will figure out there is more to life than the bottle or a crack pipe.

About boundaries, he wants to own a truck and he wants me to buy it. I said no. He said there was a time when I would have done that. I agreed that there was but I have come to realize that he needs to make the changes necessary in order to own a truck, like get a job, like get a license and insurance to say nothing of drinking and driving. I want no part of that. I think God knocked me upside the head and opened my mind to ask the question "are you helping him or hurting him." So lately it's been a lot of tough love. When he isn't happy with my responses, he stays away for a couple of days but always comes back and we move onto another issue.

Another incident came up. He has had some terrible hip pain so I made an appointment, he called and said he "something came up", he had been drinking. So I rescheduled for a couple weeks later. This time he didn't even call, he was hung over, so that appointment went by. He called me later on in the day and tried to make light of it. I was UPSET. I told him that I had rearranged my whole day so that I could take him to the appointment and go through that with him so I could see exactly what was going on (I've been in the medical field all of my adult life). Not only did you miss the appointment but no calls were made to the office so they could get someone else in. He told me to stop treating him like a child and said that we wouldn't talk about his painful hip anymore. I said fine, thank you. What do you know, the next day he was complaining about it and I just gave him that look and rolled my eyes and he remembered and said "oh that's right, I'm not going to cry to you about my hip." I gave that forced smile and said thank you and moved on to talk about something else. I know his hip hurts, he has had days when he could barely walk but I am going to act like his hip is of no concern to me. It will be an act because I am concerned that it is more a back problem radiating to the hip.

oh well... I had to try with the AA thing. I just think that since he didn't read any of the big book that he may have missed something. After we go through it and he still wants nothing to do with it, I will let it go.

Thanks

Mellow

smoke gets in my eyes

Hiya Mellow.

Please go over to the Naranon board and read the post "even though it's not funny at the time, you go to laugh when....". I cannot tell you the number of times Dino made up maladies to get attention or money. When he used up all my money and I was making appointments for him with social service agencies to get help, he just never could make it. Funny, huh? If there's anything wrong with his hip and it pains him enough, he will get himself to a doctor.

Please stick to your guns about the truck. Dino's Dad bought him one and it hasn't done a thing but make him a mobile miscreant. If he wants a truck he can get a job and earn money to buy one.

I hope you will let go about the AA thing. The more of our energy we pour into trying to fix them, the harder the disappointment when it doesn't take. If he has used 53 out of the past 56 days your reading aloud to him isn't going to snap him out of it. He'll be ready to quit when he's ready to quit. He'll seek his own path of recovery then.

Do something nice for yourself today.

Hugs,
Smoke

Chy

Hi mellow,

Chy, alcoholic here, you sound very strong in your program. As Smoke said, stick to your guns and remain firm.

As for getting him back to AA, well you must know he's really just not ready to quit yet. I'll keep ya in my prayers, you sound like your doing all the right things.

Daffodil

Hi mellow, I loved your post because it shows you are learning.

About the trunk. Just say NOOOOO! doesn't just apply to drugs. I'd love someone to their grave by enabling them to death.

As for the hip pain. Yes, you may have to act *as if* for awhile but if it's really as bad as he says, he'll not only make his appointment but will keep it without your help.

If you go to Al-Anon meetings I am sure you have heard fake it til you can make it. Sometimes, I have to do that for my own good where others are concerned in my life. I can to easily get so involved in helping them that I forget that I am really enabling them. Alcoholism is an insidious, baffling, cunning disease and it is not only progressive for the alcoholic but for me as well.

Keep up the good work.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil

mellow

Daffodil,
I could relate to the "enabling them to death." I've had to put the brakes on a lot lately. I thought I was being so helpful and supportive, turns out I was making it worse. The thing I have to work on now is not go running when the ex-girlfriend calls me and tells me "he is high or drunk, come and get him or I'm going to call the police" even though she is in just as bad a shape as he is. I always go. I always go and pick him up, get him cleaned up, put him to bed to sleep it off only so he can do it all over again. One of these times, I swear, I am going to say these words "no, I can't do that anymore, I love him, but I just can't do it, maybe you should call the police" and then hang up. It will absolutely make me die inside to do that. I will feel like I have abandoned him. I will survive I'm sure but I think if I was a drinker I would be drinking just trying to calm down. My stress release is hitching up my dogs (Great Danes) and letting them take me for a fast, fast walk until I'm too tired to care.

I'm starting to see why I got involved with him. I have always been a "nurturing" kind of person. I was always taking care of the sick and stray animals, being the friend to the one who didn't have any, standing up for the kid that was being bullied. I was a big girl growing up and no boy would ever push me around. Not much changed as I got older. My dad was strict so social growth was very restricted. I met my first husband and OMG I felt so sorry for him, his wife divorced him and he was in so much pain. Of course, I could fix that. I could make him feel better. Never mind that my gut instinct told me to run, run, run. I didn't, stayed with him for 7 years of which 6 1/2 were bad. He was abusive in ways I don't even want to talk about. I finally left after I thought one of us is going to die very soon. I was starting to hate him. I was single for awhile then married another guy. Yes, I am stupid. I should have paid attention when he told me before we were married that the only reason he was marrying me was because we went to the same church and the girl he really loved wasn't in the same church. We did talk about that statement and he said I misunderstood what he said. Turns out, we had a lot of misunderstandings, huge misunderstandings. He wasn't a drinker. He just preferred to be by himself.

So here I am in this relationship wondering now what. There are many good things about him. I guess if I'm honest with myself and everybody else, there is part of me that thinks only if he would give up the using we could have such a good life but the part of me that might have learned something from past relationships and Al-Anon is hitting me with the stupid stick saying no, no, no, drinking and using is only a coverup for what is really going on and if he wasn't drinking you probably wouldn't even be able to stand him. The drinking just takes the focus off of what the real problem might be. That's only my theory. I could be wrong.

Everyone has been so great with their replies back to me. It gives me food for thought and strength. I can see the error of my ways as they get pointed out to me. I'm rambling, it's the end of my day. Thanks again.

mellow

Magichappens

((mellow))
First, you are not stupid. Second, you don't have to make any big decisions today, so breath. Don't beat yourself with the stupid stick. You probably need to give yourself a hug, not a beating. We beat ourself up enough. Growing and recovering is tough enough. Treat yourself nice. Big hug, Magic

Daffodil

((mellow,))
You are not stupid!!!! It takes what it takes to get us where our H.P. needs us to go. If I were to start counting my mistakes, we'd be here for another 45 years.
So you now see where you made some wrong turns, well, when I hit bottom I was told, "Now you can get started going up."

The 3 A's of Al-Anon are
Awareness
Acceptance
Action.
In that order. Isn't that simple though. I have a way of complicating every situation that comes into my life. So you are not alone in the "opps" corner.

Take care and be gentle with yourself.


Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil

Dazimae

Mellow, I have a question or for anyone that can answer for me.
How do you detatch from your A's drinking and not detatch from the life you live being he drinks every day.

mellow

Dazimae,
I don't know how everyone handles it but here's how I do it. I will also give you a couple of examples. I don't live with my A so I don't have to deal with the things that would go on in a marriage. For example, last night he called me from the bar to let me know that his puppy would be spending the night at the vet's office. We talked a little, it was early so he thought he would come over. I went along with it as if it was going to happen but I knew better. It didn't. Early on in the relationship, I would have sat by the phone and stayed at home waiting for him to call or come over. Al-Anon taught me very early to get past that. I don't know about anyone else's A but mine will say one thing and do something entirely different. Most times he will tell me whatever he thinks I need to hear to get me to "shut up" meaning he knows he has no intention of carrying through but rather than discuss it, it's just easier to make me believe he will actually do it and then deal with the fall out when it doesn't. In his sober times, we have talked about that and he admits that he does it, he's always done it, even before drinking. It saved him from being beaten by his mom's boyfriends as a child. It worked then so why not keep doing it. I don't feel like all is lost because in recent months he is getting braver and being honest about once out of every 25 times. I need to watch my reaction and not get mad because I don't like the answer and realize at least he's being honest. It does get easier to detach. Another example, I recently asked him if he would like to go see the Temptations with me when they come to town next month as that is the music he grew up with. He was all excited and said yes, he would go with me. But you know what, I will believe that when at 7:00 p.m. we are sitting in the seats and enjoying the concert. I already have an alternate date if he cancels at the last minute. I won't be mad because it's his loss. He will be upset because he couldn't get it together and I went with someone else.

In a nutshell, I take the best he can give me and I do believe with his disease that he does try to give me the best that he can. I kind of put him in the same category as my uncle who died from colon cancer. I loved the man. I supported him, visited him, did what I could do but I couldn't fix it, I couldn't take the pain away. My A is suffering and I can't fix it. I love him, I support him as much as I can, sometimes too much because I do have days when I slip up and get too involved. Then I write to the board and complain that I got hit with the stupid stick again. I do have more good days than bad days.

I have to have a life apart from my A. If I didn't, I would sit at home every night by the phone and wringing my hands, crying and saying "woe is me." Life is way too short to put it on hold waiting for something that isn't going to happen but that doesn't mean that I can't love him in spite of that. This is just what I do to deal with the disease.

Keep writing Daziemae, I like to hear other people's situations. I learn a lot from everyone else.

Mellow

Lorelai

Daziemae -
Mellow had a great post. I'm pretty new to the detaching thing but this is how I think of it.

You can stand at your window and look outside at a huge storm - driving rain, furious wind, lightening and thunder. When you're standing at your window inside your nice, warm house, you might be a little frightened by the storm or mad that it is raining.

If you walk out the door and into the storm, you are then more frightened and mad and also soaking wet, windblown and in danger of being struck by lightening.

Detaching is kind of like that for me. I can watch what is going on and I might be upset by it but I don't walk into the storm. The more I practice this, the better I get at it. I can invision a day when I can look out my "window" and be at peace with the storm. First, though, I have to really, really understand that I'm not part of it. That the storm is going to go on whether I'm in the middle of it or not.

Hope that helps. It was important to me to realize that detaching is not something that you just decide to do one day and it's done. It's learning a new behavior and may take some time. Baby steps for me. :-)
L

matters

BABY STEPS FOR ALL OF US......

The storm discripsion was good Lorelai. And it does take time for sure.
Hang in there mellow...your only guilty of a BIG HEART!!!

Hugs and Prayers,
matters