Addict/Alcoholic Behaviors

Old 01-07-2013, 12:57 PM
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Its_me_jen
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Addict/Alcoholic Behaviors

So - I've hesitate to post this here, for several reasons, one is that I'm not sure if my step-daughters behaviors are due to alcohol and/or drugs. Although I'm quite certain they are....

She's 20 and has a baby just over a year old. At around 6 months pregnant, she moved with her mom and boyfriend about 1300 miles away. We haven't seen her in quite some time and have never got to meet her son.

Last year, around Christmas time she told us that her son had been taken away from her. The story she gave was a bunch of BS, we called her on it but she denied it and it's been near impossible to get the truth from her. She did eventually get the child back a few months ago .... according to her, "they dropped the investigation". She and the father of the child were required to take frequent drug tests along with parenting classes. I'm pretty sure they don't require drugs tests for no reason.

Recently her boyfriend moved from AZ to OK while the step-daughter and child went to SC. Piecing the lies and partial truth I got from her, I believe they were evicted and had no options.....although, I sort of wonder if one of them is running from the law? Her grandmother (a professional enabler) paid for her to get to SC. That lasted about a week and she was calling us to wire her money. She says it was a bad situation. We wanted to help but we don't have money to send anyone.

She was able, somehow, to leave. She's now about an hour and a half from us. She's been here for a few weeks and we haven't gone to visit yet. Partially we're just too busy with holidays, and work, and taking care of our own baby. Besides the fact that even though it's not real far away, it costs money to drive there to see her.

She is the most ungrateful person ever. She has a sense of entitlement like I've never seen. She mentioned to her father that she needed some jeans to fit her. During another conversation he told her when we come visit we would buy her some jeans. Her response? "I really want 5 new outfits."

Really?! Me too. I'm wearing clothes that don't fit and are old as hell and not really appropriate for my job. I WANT lots of things.

If she was making some sort of effort to better herself it would be so much easier to help her when we could. We found a program in the area that will pay her rent, utilities, education, clothes for work, items for baby etc. Of course it has some requirements of her. She has yet to get the app filled out. She made time and got a ride to make sure she has assistance. One day she told her dad she had the app filled out and in the envelope, just needed to get to the post office. Two days later she tells me she need to make some changes and corrections to the app. Sigh .... this is her track record. I cannot believe a word she says.

If it weren't for her son, we'd be done with her. I'm concerned for him. Her dad is so guilt ridden that he's had stomach problems and a migraine for nearly a week. It's affecting us, we're grumpy, and tired, and worn out.

Since she got here she's asked us each every single day when we're coming to see her. We tell her we're trying to figure it out and we'll let her know. She calls the next day and asks again. I've snapped at her a bit.

She wants to know if we're bringing her son presents and what they are and ..... OMG. I have no idea what to do with her.

I brought it up at my AA meeting today. I really am trying to apply the principles to this situation. I feel like I've got acceptance of it and I've let go of her behaviors. What I cannot accept or let go of is the damage this is causing her son. It's not right for us to stand by and let something bad happen to him.

I'm so sorry this is so long. I've been holding it in for a while now and it feels good just to get it out.
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Old 01-07-2013, 02:15 PM
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Wow, PaperDolls. I have no particular advice except that you are in a pickle! And big hugs from me. Trust your intuition on this one, I would guess what you "suspect" is really happening, and has the potential to get worse. At least she hasn't yet asked to move in with you! ; )

Detaching from it seems the only way to not let it wreck your serenity. And as much as it sucks for the baby, until something significant happens, there isn't much you can do right now anyway.

Prayers for a positive outcome,
~T
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Old 01-07-2013, 02:28 PM
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I would notify Children Services of her where abouts (just in case) because often times when there is a move, children get lost in the system and slip through the cracks (huge wholes) in the system.

You can call DCF who was originally involved with her case to see is they are looking for her. If there is nothing "wrong" - then no harm done. If there is, that baby needs to be saved!!

Sadly, many states do not work well with others.
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Old 01-07-2013, 02:37 PM
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Five new outfits?

You could always buy her a sewing machine.

I'm kidding, although my grandfather really did do that when my mom and her sisters were teenagers.
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Old 01-07-2013, 02:50 PM
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She hasn't been so unbelievable to ask to move in .... yet. She knows it's not possible. We barely have enough room for us.

You saying that reminds me, a little while back she called to say they we're all coming up for a visit (I have no idea where she got that money from!). I was a bit surprised and said, oh, when are you thinking of coming. She proceeded to give me specific dates and said something about staying with us. (There are three of us in a small one bedroom apartment). I told her we would love to see her but don't have the room for all of them to say. Her response .... "Well, where are we going to stay?" Apparently I needed to solve that problem for her. Of course, that didn't happen, me solving the problem or her visiting.

It amazes me that she thinks we will believe her lies. They're the worst lies I've ever heard. She can't even keep them straight to the point of telling me one thing and her dad another. Of course, I call her on all her BS .... she quickly changes the subject.

Actually, some of her lies are quite insulting. I've asked her several times if she thinks I'm stupid. She does that fast-talking, non-sense stuff. Words without meaning ..... I've got her number!

I think one reason we haven't seen her yet is that we're dreading it and putting it off. I feel horrible for her dad. He is literally sick over it.
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Old 01-07-2013, 02:51 PM
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Hell, I'd like one new outfit.

The thing is -- she know we don't have money .... apparently she doesn't' care about that.
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Old 01-07-2013, 03:00 PM
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I heard something said by a parent in AlAnon. "Your child will be an adolescent as long as you allow them to be one." She is 20 years old, and adult (albeit an immature one). She has the right to make her own decisions, even the bad ones. It's not your job to rescue her from herself. No consequences = No change. I admire you for holding your boundaries. If she wants clothes, gifts, etc she has to find a way to support herself. She doesn't seem to want them bad enough to complete the paperwork for assistance, so what does that tell you? Addicts are great manipulators.
I feel for your situation with the grandchild. Hard as it is, if he's not in real danger there's not alot you can do. I agree you could call Child Services and make them aware of your concerns.
Good luck....and keep posting.
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Old 01-08-2013, 07:11 AM
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I, we, have no plans of supporting her. Even if we wanted to we can't.

We plan to see her Saturday. I will call CPS if I feel her child is in any danger. I'm also not going to waste my breath trying to convince her that she needs to get her stuff together. I won't try to convince her of anything. She's like talking to a brick wall. Even though she's 20, she acts more like she's 14.

The drive will take about and hour and half. Plenty of time to pray. Now if I can just get hubby to remain calm.
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Old 01-16-2013, 02:00 PM
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Well, after hubby and I talking about the Saturday meeting with his daughter (we talked about it ALL week, quit the build up). We decided not to go. It was quite obvious to me that hubby was angry as hell and really not able to control it. That was just in his conversations with me. I knew it would be a bad visit. He felt (feels) like there all sorts of things he needs to say to her. I'm convinced his plan is (was) to change her mind ... get her to see what she should be doing. I can't convince him of that.

At any rate, I told him I not driving that far just to watch them get into a screaming match, especially in front of our young son and her child. I'm not going to do it. He immediately agreed and I could see a weight was lifted off of him.

I told him I would let his daughter know we couldn't make it. I decided there was really no reason to explain that her dad was so mad at her he didn't want to see her .... it sounds horrible .... may be I took the easy way out but I guess I just didn't want to even consider having that conversation with her. I let her know that we couldn't' make it. It was via fb message which wasn't my intention but she sent me a message saying she was excited to see us (plus she doesn't' have a phone so it's not easy to reach her). She replied immediately that it was no problem. I asked her for her address so we could try to send her son some things. She gave it to me along with his sizes.

About 5 hours later I got a FB message asking when I would be sending things for her son and what was I sending. I didn't reply right away. Before I did, she sent her dad a message "Just don't worry about coming up." We were both pretty confused by it .... my guess is that she was trying to make him feel more guilty. Something I think her mother taught her, guilt trips.

At any rate, the conversation between the two of them did not go well. I think he said what he wanted to say and I told him he needs to let it go now. She's going to do what she wants to do .... no matter how much he wishes she'd do things differently.

Sorry such a long post .... I am glad we didn't make the trip although I also feel quite guilty. I think it was the right thing to do for now.
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Old 01-16-2013, 02:08 PM
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I really feel for you. I was in this situation with my grandson and it was horribly difficult.

I agree: Trust your instincts. And I would pray for her and your grandson and all of you. I would also go to Goodwill or whatever and buy a bunch of stuff for her child . . .If could get a ton of stuff, wash it, and send it to him. I hope there are other adults in his life who can watch over him.
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Old 01-16-2013, 02:38 PM
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My personal experience is that after being grounded in AA for years, I discovered that my need for Alanon was just as great.

I know it's busy with a little one to care for, but perhaps you can squeak an Alanon meeting in here and there?
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Old 01-16-2013, 03:08 PM
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No doubt I need to get to some alanon meetings. No doubt.

The fact that I want to convince my hubby he needs them is just one of many reasons. Ugh!
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