ForeverOptimist

Hi all, I just need a little friendly advice. AH just called to say he didn't get this job he was really counting on. At this point we are pretty pressed financially and we may need to sell our house. (Makes me nervous since will give AH a new bank of money to go through...). We are in a crisis point and I'm wondering if you all think this would be a good time to ask him to stop drinking for good. He is still in denial and doesn't see that his drinking has led him to multiple job losses so I'm not sure if asking him to stop at this point is even worth the conversation. Alanon would probably advise me to keep my mouth shut and let him continue to suffer the consequences, but those consequences also affect me and our kids so it is pretty hard to stay silent. What he wants is for me to say "poor baby" and "everything will be fine". But I am beyond that. It is time to face reality and facing for me means that the alcohol has got to go if we are going to move forward. But I've also learned enough on here to know that the AH may be incapable of thinking rationally about any of this.

It's just a muddle... Any advice on whether to bring it up or not?

m1k3

My experience is that talking to an active alcoholic about their drinking is about as useful as talking to a tree except the tree won't get mad.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and don't have any experience to share on the financials as my wife is my qualifier and I was the primary wage earner so it was pretty easy for me to move out. I don't have the discretionary spending I used to have but I don't have the hassles either.

Your friend,

CentralOhioDad

Denial = will not hear a damn you say regarding booze.

My Wife is the same way. I gave up.

cfm

Unfortunatley you've just been given some sound advise

lillamy

I'm afraid I concur with the others.
What are your options?

ForeverOptimist

My immediate options are to say something or not. I know you are all right, I've tried to talk about it before and it gets nowhere. I guess I get stuck in that my AH thinks I should be more supportive of his job search since it affects the whole family. But this is the fifth time in the last four years he has been out of work and I'm done with giving him emotional support. So I'm guessing when I get home from work tonight he's going to want lots of sympathy (which I'm not prepared to give) because he will be feeling low. Rather than sympathy I thought he might want to hear an option how to move things in the right direction (not drinking). But as I'm typing that I hear my old controlling voice thinking what I say will make a difference. You are all right... it won't make any difference what I say or when. (sigh...)

As for other options, I am looking for a full time job (I'm temping now) but I will never make enough to pay our mortgage on my own. So selling the house may be a reality either way. I guess I feel like once I am a little more financially independent I may make the decsion to leave, but I'm worried we may need to sell before I'm ready to make that move. And then what? We are all living in an apartment and AH is still not working? I can't imagine that scenario. So if I'm seriously thinking that if we need to sell the house that I would rather be in a place with me and the kids, that thought is leading me to the point where I feel like he needs to know that NOW is the time to stop drinking. Maybe I'm trying to prepare for what is coming... I don't know...

lillamy

I think I can relate somewhat. I was also in a situation where I didn't make enough money to support me and the children, and felt stuck. I did talk with my husband. When he was sober, I very calmly told him that his drinking was a problem for me, and that even if it wasn't a problem for him, I needed him to know how I felt about it. I calmly told him the practical consequences it had for us as a family and for me emotionally. I told him I was not willing to continue living with his drinking, and that I wanted him to be aware of and consider that when he made decisions.

He laughed at me, ridiculed me, and walked away scoffing. Then got drunk and yelled at me and called me names.

But I had said what I needed to. I needed him to know what I saw, and that I wasn't happy with it. It had absolutely zero effect on his drinking. I knew it wouldn't. But I had been clear in what I saw, and what I needed. And I needed, for myself, to make that clear. I didn't do it because I thought he'd quit drinking. I did it so that I could start preparing my exit strategy without feeling like I was doing it behind his back.

dollydo

Honestly, it may be time to sell the house, take your 1/2 of the proceeds and put them in an account in your name only. Manage your money, and, give him no access to the money. 5 jobs losses in 4 years tells you the entire story, protect yourself and your children, nothing has changed with him.

Talking to him serves no purpose, he is going to do what he is going to do. It is just a waste of words, his first love is alcohol, what he is telling you about your support is all BS, he is an adult, it is up to him to find a job, keep it and help provide for his family.

What are your bounderies with him? Why do his childish needs come before you and your children?

Maylie

Your best bet will be to get a bank account with only your name on it and start putting any money you get into that account, and when you sell the house put your half in that account. This way, if he burns right threw the money, it only screws him.

I wouldn't both explaining anything to him. He prob. won't listen until the house is sold and he runs threw his money.. and then he'll be coming to you begging you for your half because the world is mean to him and he is broke blah blah blah.

Put yourself and your children first. You deserve better.

ZiggyB

Sorry you are stuck in this situation. I would be looking for my exit strategy...

Axbf just got VERY angry at me for bringing up the drinking. It didn't really help too much, he would just end up hiding it more or doing more drinking when I wasn't around.

So you say now is the time to stop? What if he doesn't? Are you prepared to leave him? If not I would not issue any ultimatums because there will be no consequences anyway.

redatlanta

If he came home looking for sympathy I would have to simply tell him I had none and that his continued drinking is his problem.

Nothing wrong with making a statement - its not a discussion.

Where do you want to go with this relationship? You mentioned you may be ready to move with yourself and the kids is it just finances holding you back or are you still ambivalent about leaving him?

EnglishGarden

I read that in active alcoholism, every single choice the alcoholic makes is based on "How will it work for the drinking." The choice of job, the choice of spouse, the choice of vacation spot, the choice of tonight's restaurant, the choice of friends.....and on.

So it is likely that your AH will make whatever choices he makes based on how will it work for the drinking.

It is of course unbelievable to someone on the outside that his thinking would go that way. But it seems from my experience that this is so: the alcoholic will move toward whatever supports the drinking and away from whatever does not.

Knowing this may help you sort through your options. You still have them. You can choose to wait a few months or a year and work on your recovery and reassess in the summer or at the end of 2013. You can consult an attorney today about a legal separation. You can move in next week with family and figure things out from there. You have an assortment of options, and it is best to keep in mind that while you are choosing among many, an active alcoholic sees only one for himself: the option that works for the drinking.

If you feel conflicted about what you need to do, sit on things a while longer. Your Higher Power may have more information for you to firm up your resolve.

PohsFriend

Actually.... Another option is to put the proceeds into an account that requires both of your signatures for it to be accessed. If you have capital gains then you might look at rolling the proceeds into an educational trust for the kids.

If we are talking $10k fine, two accounts. If we are talking $100k in capital gains and you put $50k away and he treats his $50k like mad money then you gots trouble.... Try telling the nice man from the IRS that you only owe half and they need to get the other half from him. Actually, don't. When he laughs in your face you might snap and choke him.