Fear and Loathing in the studio
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 246
Fear and Loathing in the studio
I can see my studio from here...the door is ajar. I see my painting flightsuit splattered with paint...I used to be so prolific always full of ideas.
I was so haughty about saying "if your not making art you are not an artist."
Ater 20 some years of trying not to find the bottom of the wine glass my creativity seems to have left me, not high... but dry.
Day 6 without. I am jumpy and anxious but glad I don't have that headache anymore.
I clean I cook I exercise I am in therapy I walk my dog...I am not making art.
I am scarred I killed my own passion?
How can I be proud of myself if what i am meant to do is collecting dust.
I never made art when I was drunk or high as a rule so ... I haven't made anything good in over a year.
I keep hearing that Handsome Family song "There is only so much wine...till you reach the bottom of the glass."
I feel like I have hit my bottom after I quit?
sigh...
I was so haughty about saying "if your not making art you are not an artist."
Ater 20 some years of trying not to find the bottom of the wine glass my creativity seems to have left me, not high... but dry.
Day 6 without. I am jumpy and anxious but glad I don't have that headache anymore.
I clean I cook I exercise I am in therapy I walk my dog...I am not making art.
I am scarred I killed my own passion?
How can I be proud of myself if what i am meant to do is collecting dust.
I never made art when I was drunk or high as a rule so ... I haven't made anything good in over a year.
I keep hearing that Handsome Family song "There is only so much wine...till you reach the bottom of the glass."
I feel like I have hit my bottom after I quit?
sigh...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Im not a painter but I can relate. I remember being afraid that I would never be able to play or write music again. I wrongly believed that I drew inspiration from alcohol and drugs. Turned out to be the opposite. Through recovery I have drawn inspiration from so much more and my creativity has blossomed. I credit the program of AA for opening me up and allowing the real me to come through. I enjoy music now more than ever. Dont give up on art. YOu still have it in you.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 12
Pataphor, I'm in the same boat w/ writing. Also had the same rule as you: Never write when drunk or high. Amazing how I destroyed every other aspect of my life and broke every other rule, but no matter how drunk or blacked-out I was, I would obey this one rule.
Now I'm on day seven and wondering how the hell I was ever able to write at all. The days seem thin and grey and there's no inspiration or joy to be found.
In my sober days, I enjoyed running. After picking up the bottle last summer, I stopped running (along with everything else). Last night I went for my first run in six months and man, it was ugly. Huffing and creaking down the middle of road, realizing how out of shape I'd become. The upshot is that, once trained, it doesn't take long for the body to return to form.
I believe it's the same with writing, art, or any other creative process. It's a muscle, a skill that needs to flexed every day. I look at my return to my craft the same way as running: Just show up and do it every day, even if it's ugly or feels like I'm going through the motions at first. I'm setting a reasonable goal to start: 500 words per day. Doesn't matter if they're good words or gibberish, the important thing is to begin exercising this part of myself again. And if I can't write something good, I'll try to write the worst thing that I can, which often leads somewhere interesting.
Not sure if this makes any sense, but your post really resonated with me. You reminded me that I only have two options: pace the floors and wring my hands because I've ruined myself as a writer, or sit down and bang out some words and see where it goes.
Thank you for the reminder of how high the stakes are when it comes to sobriety: we can be creative or we can drink, but not both.
Now I'm on day seven and wondering how the hell I was ever able to write at all. The days seem thin and grey and there's no inspiration or joy to be found.
In my sober days, I enjoyed running. After picking up the bottle last summer, I stopped running (along with everything else). Last night I went for my first run in six months and man, it was ugly. Huffing and creaking down the middle of road, realizing how out of shape I'd become. The upshot is that, once trained, it doesn't take long for the body to return to form.
I believe it's the same with writing, art, or any other creative process. It's a muscle, a skill that needs to flexed every day. I look at my return to my craft the same way as running: Just show up and do it every day, even if it's ugly or feels like I'm going through the motions at first. I'm setting a reasonable goal to start: 500 words per day. Doesn't matter if they're good words or gibberish, the important thing is to begin exercising this part of myself again. And if I can't write something good, I'll try to write the worst thing that I can, which often leads somewhere interesting.
Not sure if this makes any sense, but your post really resonated with me. You reminded me that I only have two options: pace the floors and wring my hands because I've ruined myself as a writer, or sit down and bang out some words and see where it goes.
Thank you for the reminder of how high the stakes are when it comes to sobriety: we can be creative or we can drink, but not both.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Water's Edge
Posts: 239
Creativity has been slow in returning for me, but I am being replenished more and more. My sobriety is at 7 months. It took many months to get to this place. But I had lots of years of too much drink. I wish you steadfastness in leaving alcohol behind you and hopefulness in knowing that your brain is still there, just has to start producing all its magic after it gets cleared of the alcohol and returns to its natural form.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 246
Beige -
6 and 7s...days of sobriety we should be celebrating...wheeeeeeee.
I have been watching to much TV, but I saw this add for car insurance company with a pig flying down a hill in a toboggan with two pinwheels and a Cheshire ear to ear grin screaming wheeeeeeee all the way. (...rosebud?)
I thought that would be me ...I want that to be me. I want to be in a place where I can be that happy and free and create again.
I appreciate your story very much and you are right we have to work that muscle (but I don't want to says my fear, its cold and lonely in there and you let your plant die...)
Keep up with your writing it is strong even in your posts.
my best
6 and 7s...days of sobriety we should be celebrating...wheeeeeeee.
I have been watching to much TV, but I saw this add for car insurance company with a pig flying down a hill in a toboggan with two pinwheels and a Cheshire ear to ear grin screaming wheeeeeeee all the way. (...rosebud?)
I thought that would be me ...I want that to be me. I want to be in a place where I can be that happy and free and create again.
I appreciate your story very much and you are right we have to work that muscle (but I don't want to says my fear, its cold and lonely in there and you let your plant die...)
Keep up with your writing it is strong even in your posts.
my best
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 246
oh yeah...the artists way. I worked that program once....artists dates and all.
I remember it being helpful, lots and lots of writing I remember. Maybe I can go find my old copy. Maybe I scribbled something in there when I was 25 that will remind me of what I can do.
thanks mecanix
I remember it being helpful, lots and lots of writing I remember. Maybe I can go find my old copy. Maybe I scribbled something in there when I was 25 that will remind me of what I can do.
thanks mecanix
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