lilac0721

It's just after 5am, Monday morning. I hardly slept at all last night, but at least I did sleep some. I kept waking up and I'd turn on the light to read until I fell back to sleep.

I haven't been to work in 2 weeks. I am a contractor for a federal agency. I haven't been paid for work since October. That alone is causing some serious anxiety. Not to mention that the expectations of the services I am to provide, coupled with the limited number of hours per week the contract allows, creates a nearly impossible situation. If the work is to be done well, they need to allow for more hours and probably another person.
Some of the days I didn't work were holidays, and a couple of the days I stayed sober and went to AA meetings. But most of them I downed lots of vodka in front of the tv.

I know there is a TON of stuff that I've missed. There is a TON of stuff on the schedule for this month, and there's a TON of catching up to do. The mere thought of going in to that office and its crazymaking environment has been giving me panic attacks (which I know are made worse by consuming massive quantities of alcohol). I am scared. I have no idea what will happen. On the one hand, I am scared that I'll be told my contract is being terminated. Then again, I haven't been paid in so long, I kind of WANT to terminate it so I can do other work. But I'm afraid to do so for fear of not being able to find something else to do for a living. The biggest thing I'm afraid of is trying to stay sober in that environment, constantly wondering if I'll ever get paid and barely being able to perform the work at all. I'm so close to being completely unable to think, move, act because my head is so clouded by depression/anxiety/recent binge.

God help me.

raja12

Hi. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. That does sound like a cause for anxiety,your job and not being paid. Anxiety and stress always led me back to drinking too. I really don't have any advice for you,just wanted to show support. If it was me I guess id just go into work,do my best. And maybe you could try to find a different job if you can. One that you would enjoy,and not be a cause for such anxiety for you. I know,easier said then done. Especially with the job market and all. But that is my wish for you. Hope your day gets better.

LadyinBC

I was on stress leave when I quit my job, right now I am on EI. I plan on looking for part-time work being I am living wtih my daughter and her husband. My bills are not high.

I quit it cause I was scared it would give me another excuse to start drinking again. I don't need the stress or the aniexty that this job gave me. Being sober is way more important to me. Yeah I made good money, but lots of it went to booze and smokes so I don't feel like I am really losing income.

I don't regret my decision.

lilac0721

Lady, I am really considering doing just that. I have a pattern of getting burned out at jobs after about 8-9 months and quitting before I have something else, but I'm really worried about my mental health! Not to mention the physical effects that prolonged stress and anxiety (and the accompanying binge drinking) put on my body!

Sapling

Sounds like that job is making you drink.....And your drinking is going to end up costing you that job....How do I know that?. Because that was the work history of my life...Every job had some kind of an excuse why I drank like I did....It never occurred to me I was an alcoholic.....When I lost my last one...and had drank myself to the point nobody else was going to hire me....I made getting sober my job. A couple AA meetings kept you sober a little bit?...Imagine if you went everyday...Got a sponsor and worked the program?...Finally I found a job that paid off and didn't make me drink.

LadyinBC

Your mental health and your well being is important. If you can do it, do it. I'm lucky that I had some money coming from a pension plan, and my daughter and her husband letting me move in with them.

But at the end of the day I am much happier and more content.

Dee74

best wishes today Lilac.

D

OneLessLonely

Lilac good luck today. I hope you go in to paycheck waiting for you. I cant inagine doing a miserably stressful job for seemingly mothing because of not fettig paid for months. Months?! But even if its terrible today and it makes you want to drink, come here and post first. I remember you saying you we're planning on working towards the career you want. Is that still in the works? Big hugs.

Thepatman

Personally I would not take drastic decisions while your mind is still fogged big time by the Alcohol. Give your self some sober time. You will think completely differently I can guarantee that. The job is probably stressful but if you were coping by drinking it was 10times more stressful. After about 2 weeks sober you will find your nervous system returning to normal. And you will not see everything trough the magnifying glasses you are still wearing.

lilac0721

Thanks for the support and input, everyone. In spite of barely sleeping at all last night, I got to the gym early this morning and went to the office and everything seemed fine (just a ton of catch up to do). Today was day 1 of a 3-day trial, so it was a bit stressful. My contract allows for 30 hours per week (that was the agency's limit, not mine) but the work of 2-3 people. I'll hit my 30 hours limit Wednesday evening and have full days Thursday and Friday. And there were people from various departments asking me to do things that I simply do not have time to do, drinking issue or no drinking issue.
One day at a time. It's all I can do.

renaldo

Hi lilac0721,

Why is it that you haven't been paid since Oct.? Are you going to get paid for the work you did at some future point?

lilac0721

Ah, well, all I can say is that's the federal government (US) for you? The fiscal year runs from October 1-September 29. My services were needed, so my contract was extended even though Congress hadn't yet passed a budget. I did learn from one of the BIA (the agency I contract with) folks that there is money to cover the contract until Congress passes a budget and approves (or doesn't) the spending on my particular services. It's now just a red-tape issue of actually APPLYING the funds to the contract.

It's all a bit of a mystery to me. Hopefully, I'll have time this week to speak in person to the liaison to the regional accounting department and inform her that I can't continue to provide services for free without payment. A day at a time. That's my mantra right now.

Leo17

It sounds like you are having a similar experience to one that I have gone through as well. I use to work for the VA Hospital in a very unhealthy warehouse environment with hostile, ptsd ridden coworkers. It was beyond awful. The emotional stress was beyond belief. And I was coping with alcohol, spiraling into a place of deep despair.

Leaving that job was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. It wasn't where I belonged. Life can turn around fast. A couple weeks of sobriety, a new opportunity, a new perspective on the situation, are all very possible. Best of luck to you. Be well my friend.

auden67

Somedays, I take it one hour at a time, and some days it is minute by minute. But, it's better than taking on something big and overwhelming. I will tell you, it is a great exercise to figure out what you can control in a situation, and work on that and only that. There are SOOO many regrettable things we cannot control. It's important to focus on what we can.

Hope tomorrow is a good day for you!