Lara

I feel sick. My gut is twisted in knots. I can’t sleep. I recently posted that I had finally walked out of H’s life. He is in deep relapse. But past four days hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol or any drug. He’s back to his charming, beautiful self. Professing his undying love for me. He’s booked into rehab AGAIN. Why do I listen? Why do I give him the time of day? Why do I care? Why do I still love him so so much. Is this real? Why don’t I walk away? I know what is good for me. Yet I still listen. I allow my mind to entertain that slight, remotest hope that H, after rehab, recovery – will be the man I fell in love with all those years ago. That we can make a future together. Albeit not the future that all father’s dream for their ‘little girls’ – a future with an addict. Recovery or not he will always be an addict. A future filled with broken dreams, relapse and probably more tears than I care to imagine. He has let me down over a thousand times; broken a thousand promises; cried a thousand hours in my arms; declared his love a thousand times and taken it away a thousand times more – yet I still go back! Is this the sick cycle of addiction. I don’t use the term ‘codependency’ for I truly feel I am not codependent in the true sense. I do have my boundaries. I have told him that I will not entertain the thought of living a life with an active addict. I won’t be in a car with an active addict; I won’t meet with him when he is ‘high’ or drunk. I don’t threaten or judge. I don’t expect anything from him. I don’t even hold him to his promises. I don’t wait for him. I get on with my day. I get on with my life. So from that point of view I am in a healthy space – yet I still ‘believe in him’. I still think about a future with him. I still love him. Is this so bad???

EnglishGarden

I'm sure many here identify with much of what you are feeling, Lara. And I'm sorry for your continuing pain, disappointment, loneliness for him, disillusionment, and cycles of hope and despair.

You don't have to identify with any label. You don't have to be anyone other than who you are. You want someone you love to be healthy enough to be a decent and loving partner, dependably, who will not bring trauma into your life and will not bring trauma into your young son's life. That longing is what you are feeling. No one can predict the unfolding of your story with H. But I believe most everyone understands your exquisite longing.

You say that you can get on with your life. Your life priority is your child, so the best you can do for now is continue weekly counseling to unburden yourself of the vast, deep tangle of emotions and to continue to be a mother who makes every decision for her life with one question alone in mind: "Will this be good for my child?"

I'm sorry for your pain. No one should judge you for it nor for your confusion.

But do try your best to cut off contact. Try your best to do that for several months. H is a drug addict and a train wreck. Even if he still has your heart, you can put space between you.

It is very hard, when someone who makes our heart spin is someone so unreachable. I'm very sorry you have been through so much. It's good you are asking for support.

farfaraway

I think it's natural Lara. I can't really relate because the addict in my life is my sister.

But the first few years, I used to believe that when my sister would clean herself up for a bit that "this is it", my sister is back. But she'd always end up using and I have come to expect that.

Eventually he'll either hit rock bottom, get clean and leave drugs behind. Or it will get to the point where when you think of him, you'll think of the drug addict him because so much time will have gone by this will be who he is in your perception.

My sister has been an addict for so long she is just drugs to me now. She had a baby in September and the baby wouldn't have been allowed home if it tested positive for drugs. My sister doesn't look like she's using, she probably has nearly a year of sobriety under her belt at this point. But it doesn't cancel the decade-plus that she abused herself and so my perception of her is still drugs.

It's a shame. But good for you that you have stepped out of the cycle. Just be careful, and realistic.

LoveMeNow

Lara? Just curious about something. Of course there is no need to answer here if you chose not too.

But are you trying to recreate an old scenario of loving somebody who isn't able to give you the love you want and need back. Did you have an unavailable parent??

LoveMeNow

oh wow, how true!! Thank you for putting into words and helping me understand my own feelings!!

dollydo

" yet I still ‘believe in him’. I still think about a future with him. I still love him. Is this so bad??? "

Four days sober (maybe) and you are willing to jump back in feet first? What is the rush?
Why not wait? You can love him from afar, let him get at least a year of recovery under his belt, then decide.

I hear all your confusion, I understand that you are in pain, however, don't you believe that you can do better, have a more peaceful, sold future with a man who is not addicted?

Jody675

Lara when you are ready to let go you just will.

i had a guy i was addicted to. i remember when we broke up that i told him that he would be the guy i would never be able to let go of. so for 8 years the two of us weaved a web of flirting, or bed buddies, we tried relationships, we kept in contact. looking back, he was never there when i needed him, just when he needed me. but when he did want me, i was there. maybe not in the way he wanted me to be (if i was in a relationship), but i was there in some capacity.

it took my current bf to point out the obvious. this was not a healthy friendship. although i never entertained the idea that he and i could be a couple again, i knew he did. and although i did put him straight about how i felt, that didnt seem to matter. maybe i liked the fact that he would always be there. my lifeline bf if you wish. anyway, after an enormous fight with my bf, i had to realise that i was willing to throw away a relationship that i wanted, for one that had never supported me, or to be honest, really didnt care about. so i sent the guy an email and asked him not to contact me again and explained why in about 5 lines. it actually felt good, and i dont regret it.

so Lara, when you are truly ready, and you truly believe that the relationship is unhealthy for you, and that it is time, it will just happen, and you will be ok with it. you are obviously getting something from his attention that is missing in your life. maybe that is where you need to look. what is he giving you, that you arent getting from yourself or elsewhere. there lies your answers.

Lara

Thank you EG! It is 7am in the morning and I have a hectic work schedule today - but I am sitting here reading your reply and all I want to do is cry. I have such an overwhelming sense of loss - I feel such pain. Pain that I have never felt before. I think of my son every minute. I will never expose my son to this. I need to work my recovery quietly and privately. It is so so difficult.

Lara

Hi LoveMeNow.... my dad was an alcoholic. So things were not easy growing up. I read codependent no more - and have tried to educate myself as best I can.... and I also lost my gorgeous 23 year old brother in a car crash - a year after Dad died. And I think the huge thing is that H was there for me. He was such an incredible support. I just can't believe that H is probably 'gone' too.... I recognise him every now and again... like in the past few days he is 'H' again - kind,loving, my 'best' friend again - but I know in a heart beat he could be gone. And I am battling with this so so much. I feel such a sense of grief. Unspeakable loss.

Lara

Absolutely!

Lara

Thank you Jody - it makes so much sense to me - what you write. I realise that all these emotions need to be 'looked at' - When I get home I am going to organise professional counselling. I need to understand what are my triggers.... I need to 'let go' again. Let go and let God. Easier said than done!

anond

I don't know if this has ever been shared on SR, but this morning I came across this quotation:

I had a huge revelation after reading this. I've spent so much time lately thinking and thinking and trying to figure things out on how to make my life better. It all seems a mess and so complicated. Problem is, I haven't really been DOING anything major to make my life better.

It is time to stop undoing the knot and just swing that sword!

Lara

Anond - powerful words.

helpme33

Lara,
I was walking in your shoes. As has been pointed out, when you have had enough you will break away.

He would leave, come back, we would try again. Repeat over and over. I can not explain why, but this cycle went on for years. One thing for sure is I did not know anything about addiction.

After he left me for a hitcher he had picked up when I was about 4 months pregnant, I had enough. It was still hard to let go and I now wish I had left him years before. But, I wasn't ready!

It was not an easy time, but my life is so much better than it was living with EXAH.

pinchofsalt

I have an agf and this forum has taught me alot. I came across another post on Love. So many mixed feelings. A friend said to me that I am an addicted to the rush of living in drama. All my life I have gone from one drama to the next and it seems that whenever I get into a normal relationship with a normal person then I cannot do it or that I have to create drama in it to make me feel alive - sometimes it just happens.

My agf keeps pulling my heart back even though I know it is lies and manipulations. ..yet the pull back. I have not yet hit rock bottom. Not sure where to go with this...

Lara

Pinchofsalt keep on posting here... start you own thread with the above response - there are so many members here who can really offer some briliant advice. Though it is tough practising the advice. Look up my name 'lara' and read through my threads and the responses from members here - they will really help. Read especially my one thread 'Liar, Liar, Range Rover on fire'.
Your comment that you are 'drawn to the drama' is typical of codependent behaviour. Really, really go and read 'Co dependent no more'. You wil recognise so many symptoms and signs. A lot probably has to do with YOUR past and childhood trauma. Just read it! And post here on SR. Wish you all the best

fourmaggie

for my sanity....we split

I could not be his HOSTAGE (anymore)

fourmaggie

or to the Choatic life...

blackandblue

Having a child with an addict seems like another layer to going no contact. A great reason to cut it off and an even more difficult decision to cut it off. For me I had guilt just cutting him off let alone if I was cutting him off from his child. But really he put you in this situation where you have to decide what to do and it is not clear. Staying in contact with him has hurt me but I can't imagine what this does to a child. If you start putting you first, you will automatically put your child first. Putting me first is the only way I have been able to detach with love. It's been a process and in hindsight I wish I could have severed the relationship the moment he relapsed- actually from the first moment he lied to me only 2 months into the relationship. Red flags become more apparent with experience. These are mistakes I will not repeat. No relationship whatsoever with active addict. No casual intimacy. No contact. No friendship. I have broken my boundary and would say don't set a boundary until you are ready to enforce it. I recently had to do this again. I told him, myself, my HP, and my friends that I deserve better. I keep saying that until it becomes my truth. Many blessings.