Feel I am at a crossroad...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 6
Feel I am at a crossroad...
I have been lurking here for over year, I finally created a login a few months ago and finally feel strong enough to post. Your experience and strength has helped me thru many difficult days. My AH had been a functioning alcoholic for years, he is an attorney. So, needless to say, arguing with a smart attorney is a battle not often won. His mother died very suddenly last January and he was no longer functioning. He was then diagonosed bi-polar. This year we have been thru three rehabs 28 days, 20days and 10 days, 2 detoxes and most recently 30 days in a recovery house. He had two slips during the holidays but got right back on track. After he drank on New Year's day, I told him he had a choice, recovery and a life with his family or beer. The next day he chose beer, I asked him to leave. He is at my father-in-law's house. He has been texting me that he wants to come home and get back on track. I have a fear that without the support of his family, he will feel he has nothing to fight for, so home is the best place for him to fight this. But, I also feel by letting him back in, I have made a line in the sand and he has crossed it. His father was an alcoholic and committed suicide. I am afraid of what decision is the best decision. I want to see him sober for himself but also for my two daughters. He has been so amazing with them during his sobriety. Any experience on letting them back home or making them stay away? I love my husband very much but have grown tired of this roller coaster. I am bringing our two girls there today at noon to spend some time with him and my father-in-law. He wants me to hear what he has to say. I am not sure how to respond. Any words of wisdom or experience are appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
I say you tell him that you love him and you will take him back ONLY after he has completed a program and has been sober for a certain amount of time..... tell him you are tired of putting up with his slips again and again. You decide how long that will be. if he never loses anything, then he will learn that he can always get away with slipping again because you will take him right back!!! BE STRONG!!! help him out by staying true to your word!!!
You already told him once: it's either your family or your beer. What was his choice?
You already told him once: it's either your family or your beer. What was his choice?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR, Pennygirl. I'm sorry for the pain and disappointment you've experienced.
As codependents, our recovery is about self-care, about taking our focus and our priority off the alcoholic and putting it on ourselves. If we do not do this, we continue the cycle of simply reacting to the alcoholic's next move--whatever that is--rather than being self-directed. A marriage is about mutual responsibilities and one of those is to be equally responsible for our own mental and physical health.
So something to consider is: how will his return to the home affect your mental and emotional health? For your recovery from the effects of alcoholism is every bit as important as is his. If you believe that his return will increase your anxiety, will distract you from your personal journey back to sanity, will make him once again the center of attention, then should you allow him to return right now, you will be betraying your own recovery and return to health.
If you have been in your own recovery for a long time and feel very confident in your ability to detach from his acting out, then his return may be manageable for you. But most people will agree that a newly sober alcoholic is unstable, so not only you, but also your daughters will be affected by his ups and downs, and they will need some outside help in detaching as well. Living with the daily dread of what the alcoholic might do next is very stressful and can lead to chronic anxiety and depression. So outside help would be essential.
It is uncomfortable for an alcoholic to lose the status quo that kept him feeling contained and kept him feeling in control while he was using. A house and a family that stays the same adds to the delusion that his life is manageable. It reinforces his ego inflation that he is still master of his own ship.
But the Big Book of AA says it is precisely that ego which thinks it is still in control which has to be leveled and that leveling comes in the form of a humiliating bottom. From such a bottom the alcoholic may find the humility to accept his powerlessness and the unmanagability of his life and be willing to follow the direction of others who have walked a sober path.
So should you decide to choose a separation for the next several months, allowing him to be uncomfortable where he is, allowing him the opportunity to rely on the fellowship of other recovering alcoholics rather than relying on you, I believe most people in recovery would say you are doing no harm.
As codependents, our recovery is about self-care, about taking our focus and our priority off the alcoholic and putting it on ourselves. If we do not do this, we continue the cycle of simply reacting to the alcoholic's next move--whatever that is--rather than being self-directed. A marriage is about mutual responsibilities and one of those is to be equally responsible for our own mental and physical health.
So something to consider is: how will his return to the home affect your mental and emotional health? For your recovery from the effects of alcoholism is every bit as important as is his. If you believe that his return will increase your anxiety, will distract you from your personal journey back to sanity, will make him once again the center of attention, then should you allow him to return right now, you will be betraying your own recovery and return to health.
If you have been in your own recovery for a long time and feel very confident in your ability to detach from his acting out, then his return may be manageable for you. But most people will agree that a newly sober alcoholic is unstable, so not only you, but also your daughters will be affected by his ups and downs, and they will need some outside help in detaching as well. Living with the daily dread of what the alcoholic might do next is very stressful and can lead to chronic anxiety and depression. So outside help would be essential.
It is uncomfortable for an alcoholic to lose the status quo that kept him feeling contained and kept him feeling in control while he was using. A house and a family that stays the same adds to the delusion that his life is manageable. It reinforces his ego inflation that he is still master of his own ship.
But the Big Book of AA says it is precisely that ego which thinks it is still in control which has to be leveled and that leveling comes in the form of a humiliating bottom. From such a bottom the alcoholic may find the humility to accept his powerlessness and the unmanagability of his life and be willing to follow the direction of others who have walked a sober path.
So should you decide to choose a separation for the next several months, allowing him to be uncomfortable where he is, allowing him the opportunity to rely on the fellowship of other recovering alcoholics rather than relying on you, I believe most people in recovery would say you are doing no harm.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thank you for taking the time to share some of your story with us. Please continue to reach out for the support you need. Have you tried attending any local Alanon meetings? I find the face-to-face support inspires my own recovery as I am able to see other's that are dealing with the same issues. I am also able to feel the strength and serenity in those rooms.
While your AH is at his FIL's house, what are your boundaries?
For me, when I was separated from my AH ~ I found minimun to no contact to be the best. That way we each could focus on our own personal needs. If it pertains to the children or household expenses, that is important and was dealt with as a business communication ~ just the facts and no emotions.
You have been reading the forums for a length of time, right? Sometimes we deliver it straight.........
You have a fear that he won't have anything to fight for without being in your home during recovery, but how has that worked out for him the past 12 months with 3 rehabs? If you had the power to make him find lasting sobriety, he would have found it by now.
While your AH is at his FIL's house, what are your boundaries?
For me, when I was separated from my AH ~ I found minimun to no contact to be the best. That way we each could focus on our own personal needs. If it pertains to the children or household expenses, that is important and was dealt with as a business communication ~ just the facts and no emotions.
You have been reading the forums for a length of time, right? Sometimes we deliver it straight.........
You have a fear that he won't have anything to fight for without being in your home during recovery, but how has that worked out for him the past 12 months with 3 rehabs? If you had the power to make him find lasting sobriety, he would have found it by now.
Originally Posted by PENNYGIRL 
He has been texting me that he wants to come home and get back on track. I have a fear that without the support of his family, he will feel he has nothing to fight for, so home is the best place for him to fight this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 186
Penny.. glad you were finally able to share here. I am sorry to hear what you are experiencing.
I drive my Addicted Other to a homeless rehab shelter last week. One of the hardest things to do, but it was the best things for me and the kids. Sure during that drive i was waiting to hear magic words so i could turn around and we could just go home. My HP stepped in then and helped the car be quiet.
Taking him back in doesnt give me the time to heal and grow. Taking him back in doesnt give him time either.
To graduate from the program AO has to he self supporting and clean. It isnt about a time frame. He has to he saving money and be a productive citizen.
Will AO come home to me when he graduates... i dont know. AO will not come home until I am ready. If and when i am ready. Not a second sooner.
This time isnt about AO getting into recovery.
This time is about ME working on my recovery so i stop hurting myself and those around me.
CARRIE
The Belle Of The Ball
I drive my Addicted Other to a homeless rehab shelter last week. One of the hardest things to do, but it was the best things for me and the kids. Sure during that drive i was waiting to hear magic words so i could turn around and we could just go home. My HP stepped in then and helped the car be quiet.
Taking him back in doesnt give me the time to heal and grow. Taking him back in doesnt give him time either.
To graduate from the program AO has to he self supporting and clean. It isnt about a time frame. He has to he saving money and be a productive citizen.
Will AO come home to me when he graduates... i dont know. AO will not come home until I am ready. If and when i am ready. Not a second sooner.
This time isnt about AO getting into recovery.
This time is about ME working on my recovery so i stop hurting myself and those around me.
CARRIE
The Belle Of The Ball
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 6
Thank you
I posted my message the other day knowing that I probably wouldn't have enough time to get responses before I left for my FILs house. that day, I agreed to take him back in the house, but knew it would only be a matter of time before he slipped again and I wanted to be ready. Today, I was armed with your words and they are exactly what I needed to have in my mind and heart when that moment came. I want to thank each of you for your
strength and hope that you shared.
Carrie, I can't imagine how hard it was to drive your AO to a shelter. I am inspired by your courage. I agree about the productive citizen part. To me, that is so important.
Pelican, thank you for saying it straight. You are so right, and I needed to hear that. It was why I posted. I knew I didn't have the strength on my own, but I knew I could count on this site to deliver the message I needed to here. I have been attending Al Anon for 7 months now. I can not tell you the difference it is making in my life.
Englishgarden, what you said about the addict feeling uncomfortable about losing the status quo. That really is an eye opener. I think I have never let him feel uncomfortable where he is and I have gotten in the way of not only my own recovery but his.
Lovingenabler, I am taking your advice and going to help him out by keeping my word.
Thank you all for taking the time to help me. words can't express how much I needed this and how much strength it is giving me.
I am praying for strength and courage.
strength and hope that you shared.
Carrie, I can't imagine how hard it was to drive your AO to a shelter. I am inspired by your courage. I agree about the productive citizen part. To me, that is so important.
Pelican, thank you for saying it straight. You are so right, and I needed to hear that. It was why I posted. I knew I didn't have the strength on my own, but I knew I could count on this site to deliver the message I needed to here. I have been attending Al Anon for 7 months now. I can not tell you the difference it is making in my life.
Englishgarden, what you said about the addict feeling uncomfortable about losing the status quo. That really is an eye opener. I think I have never let him feel uncomfortable where he is and I have gotten in the way of not only my own recovery but his.
Lovingenabler, I am taking your advice and going to help him out by keeping my word.
Thank you all for taking the time to help me. words can't express how much I needed this and how much strength it is giving me.
I am praying for strength and courage.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 6
Thank you Lexie, I have made my line in the sand too many times and he has crossed it. I think the best thing I can do for myself, my children and my AH is to stand firm to the boundaries I set when he came back home and that was if he drank, he had to leave.
I appreciate the support.
I appreciate the support.
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