Keep screwing up and scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Keep screwing up and scared
How many tries does it take before one actually manages to stay sober?
I have been on and off the wagon for a while. I get to a week or two and then crash. I miss work and do day-long binges (or sometimes a few days in a row). Then I come out of it and panic.
I haven't been to work for the past two weeks. Part of me feels justified, because I haven't been paid in over two months. But that's not a good excuse. Some days I stay home and do healthy things like go to AA meetings. But the last 3 days of last week I just drank every day and told the office manager at the court where I'm a contractor that I was sick. I've been sick A LOT in the past few months. Now I am scared. Scared of everything. Scared of losing my job (they might start paying me at some point, right), scared of not being able to find another job, of not being able to pay the bills, of not being able to catch up on the stuff I've been ignoring and scared that I can't stay sober with this level of panic. I didn't sleep much last night...kept waking up with overwhelming panic. Tomorrow I have to get my butt in to the office and I am terrified. Part of me wants to say I will no longer work until I get paid (I work on a contract), but part of me is scared to do that. There's also a big piece of me that doesn't think that recovery is compatible with my job/profession. I don't know what to do.
I feel like an idiot because I've been on this site for a few years and keep going through this pattern and I come back to confess my screw ups then ultimately end up doing the same old thing. I'd like to die. It seems like my only option (except I am too much of a wimp to try).
I have been on and off the wagon for a while. I get to a week or two and then crash. I miss work and do day-long binges (or sometimes a few days in a row). Then I come out of it and panic.
I haven't been to work for the past two weeks. Part of me feels justified, because I haven't been paid in over two months. But that's not a good excuse. Some days I stay home and do healthy things like go to AA meetings. But the last 3 days of last week I just drank every day and told the office manager at the court where I'm a contractor that I was sick. I've been sick A LOT in the past few months. Now I am scared. Scared of everything. Scared of losing my job (they might start paying me at some point, right), scared of not being able to find another job, of not being able to pay the bills, of not being able to catch up on the stuff I've been ignoring and scared that I can't stay sober with this level of panic. I didn't sleep much last night...kept waking up with overwhelming panic. Tomorrow I have to get my butt in to the office and I am terrified. Part of me wants to say I will no longer work until I get paid (I work on a contract), but part of me is scared to do that. There's also a big piece of me that doesn't think that recovery is compatible with my job/profession. I don't know what to do.
I feel like an idiot because I've been on this site for a few years and keep going through this pattern and I come back to confess my screw ups then ultimately end up doing the same old thing. I'd like to die. It seems like my only option (except I am too much of a wimp to try).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
My recovery began when family stepped
in with an intervention sending me to
rehab where I was in a controlled inviroment,
away from alcohol, the temptation of it to
allow my body to detox poison from it and
recieve knowledge about addiction to alcohol
and how it affected my body and those around
me.
It gave me 28 days to absorb the helpful tools
to use in my recovery and learn to live a day at
a time without alcohol. Today, I look back on
that experience in my life and am very grateful
that I didnt have to begin recovery alone or by
myself because I tried and failed so many times
to get off the merry go round of insanity that
goes along with drinking.
That was 22 yrs ago and yes, recovery is still
just as important to me today as it has been
for all those yrs inbetween.
in with an intervention sending me to
rehab where I was in a controlled inviroment,
away from alcohol, the temptation of it to
allow my body to detox poison from it and
recieve knowledge about addiction to alcohol
and how it affected my body and those around
me.
It gave me 28 days to absorb the helpful tools
to use in my recovery and learn to live a day at
a time without alcohol. Today, I look back on
that experience in my life and am very grateful
that I didnt have to begin recovery alone or by
myself because I tried and failed so many times
to get off the merry go round of insanity that
goes along with drinking.
That was 22 yrs ago and yes, recovery is still
just as important to me today as it has been
for all those yrs inbetween.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Believe me when I say Alcohol is not worth dying for. Someone you really love would be worth dying for, but Alcohol? You would die for your worst enemy?
In order to see the benefits of sobriety you need to stay sober long enough to learn how do deal with life without drinking, making sober friends, changing your lifestyle.
Drinking for so long makes us accustomed to that way of life, it becomes "normal" to us. Try to see this as learning to walk again after a car accident. It takes time, courage and commitment. First you can't move and need support, then you use a wheelchair. Then someday by doing the work you walk again. But you will NEVER walk the same as before, you adapted your new way of walking. Same with quitting booze, learn how to walk your life differently.
In order to see the benefits of sobriety you need to stay sober long enough to learn how do deal with life without drinking, making sober friends, changing your lifestyle.
Drinking for so long makes us accustomed to that way of life, it becomes "normal" to us. Try to see this as learning to walk again after a car accident. It takes time, courage and commitment. First you can't move and need support, then you use a wheelchair. Then someday by doing the work you walk again. But you will NEVER walk the same as before, you adapted your new way of walking. Same with quitting booze, learn how to walk your life differently.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
Thanks so much for your post Lilac,
Based on what you are going through. I would think a inpatient rehab might be a very good option for you, insurance usually covers this. Do you have a Doctor that you can share your concerns with who could refer you to a in patient alchhol dependancy program? If not there may be a chemical phone number In your insurance paperwork.
This is truly a fight for your life, if you have the opportunity to take the next step in getting sober and work hard at preserving it, you can join the countless others who are able to take back there lives from the bondage of addiction. I agree with you in regards to your job, if you don't shape up you will probably not have a job.
No better day to get sober then today,
Just my 2 cents.
Thanks,
S
Based on what you are going through. I would think a inpatient rehab might be a very good option for you, insurance usually covers this. Do you have a Doctor that you can share your concerns with who could refer you to a in patient alchhol dependancy program? If not there may be a chemical phone number In your insurance paperwork.
This is truly a fight for your life, if you have the opportunity to take the next step in getting sober and work hard at preserving it, you can join the countless others who are able to take back there lives from the bondage of addiction. I agree with you in regards to your job, if you don't shape up you will probably not have a job.
No better day to get sober then today,
Just my 2 cents.
Thanks,
S
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 526
lilac, i know you've read my other thread, so i know and feel the pain you are going through now. i really can relate.
the fight, the desire to give up... man, it becomes too much. it often does.
but look, you can put a few weeks of sobriety together. and that's great. that's something to be proud of. don't call b.s. just yet...
you are clearly anxious about your job and your life situation. this is exactly what i was facing as well, and that lead to a slight relapse. not an excuse, a reminder. a reminder that i was so much worse when i was drinking.
only time can help you see the wonderful gift of being sober. only when you get sober can you experience life the way it was meant to be.
keep putting days and weeks of sobriety together... and at the same time look for things to fill your time with. make simple, healthy choices. little ones. but keep on adding those to your life.
the fight, the desire to give up... man, it becomes too much. it often does.
but look, you can put a few weeks of sobriety together. and that's great. that's something to be proud of. don't call b.s. just yet...
you are clearly anxious about your job and your life situation. this is exactly what i was facing as well, and that lead to a slight relapse. not an excuse, a reminder. a reminder that i was so much worse when i was drinking.
only time can help you see the wonderful gift of being sober. only when you get sober can you experience life the way it was meant to be.
keep putting days and weeks of sobriety together... and at the same time look for things to fill your time with. make simple, healthy choices. little ones. but keep on adding those to your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
I went to rehab 4 years ago. I stayed sober for a couple of months after, then back to the pattern of relapse, screw up work, scramble to put the pieces back together, relapse, repeat. I don't think a second rehab is an option for me primarily because I have no way to pay for it.
The steps...well I did 1-5 in rehab 4 years ago. I started to write out some stuff for step 1-3 last week before starting my most recent binge. I live in a very small town, so there are not many women at meetings. Maybe I need a long-distance sponsor?
Thepatman, you are right. Alcohol is not worth dying for. I almost feel like I am better at dealing with my life when it's on the verge of falling apart than when things are going ok. Right now I feel so stuck. I just don't know what to do about the immediate crises, let alone the lifetime of work needed to have a happy, healthy and productive life. I'm so so scared. But it feels good to reach out to people here.
There is one AA meeting in this tiny town today. It's in 40 minutes. I will be there. I will ask for help.
The steps...well I did 1-5 in rehab 4 years ago. I started to write out some stuff for step 1-3 last week before starting my most recent binge. I live in a very small town, so there are not many women at meetings. Maybe I need a long-distance sponsor?
Thepatman, you are right. Alcohol is not worth dying for. I almost feel like I am better at dealing with my life when it's on the verge of falling apart than when things are going ok. Right now I feel so stuck. I just don't know what to do about the immediate crises, let alone the lifetime of work needed to have a happy, healthy and productive life. I'm so so scared. But it feels good to reach out to people here.
There is one AA meeting in this tiny town today. It's in 40 minutes. I will be there. I will ask for help.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Lilac, try not to panic! It sounds like you're overwhelmed and it's all snowballing. Small steps. It's terrible your job isn't paying you. Maybe just try to get back in the swing of things there and then in a week or two just be honest with them and tell them you need your paycheck.
We all know the pattern of being "good" for a bit, then drinking again, then beating yourself up over it, and trying again. You're here, you have a desire to get your life straightened out, and that's a good start. I think recovery will enhance any job. Some jobs are harder if you have to be around alcohol but it can still be done.
There's no magic wand, and no can do it for you. That's the bad news. The good news is everyone has it in them to be able to quit. You have to reach deep inside for your grit and determination to create a better life for yourself.
Find a program that matches your needs. Maybe AA-it certainly works for many. If not AA there are lots of other options.
We all know the pattern of being "good" for a bit, then drinking again, then beating yourself up over it, and trying again. You're here, you have a desire to get your life straightened out, and that's a good start. I think recovery will enhance any job. Some jobs are harder if you have to be around alcohol but it can still be done.
There's no magic wand, and no can do it for you. That's the bad news. The good news is everyone has it in them to be able to quit. You have to reach deep inside for your grit and determination to create a better life for yourself.
Find a program that matches your needs. Maybe AA-it certainly works for many. If not AA there are lots of other options.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Lilac, I feel your frustration and your pain. I'm so sorry you feel trapped in this cycle.
I wonder if you have never committed fully to one programme of recovery, and instead flitted from one to the other? Forgive me if that isn't the case x
Doing steps 1-5 4 years ago, then steps 1-3 again recently won't really help.
When you go to your meeting, ask someone to help you do them properly. Make a date every week to sit down with her and work through them. Don't stop even if you start feeling better after a few weeks.
Really go for it. You've got so many people here who really care about you. All of us on the May thread are rooting for you.
You can do this my friend xxx
I wonder if you have never committed fully to one programme of recovery, and instead flitted from one to the other? Forgive me if that isn't the case x
Doing steps 1-5 4 years ago, then steps 1-3 again recently won't really help.
When you go to your meeting, ask someone to help you do them properly. Make a date every week to sit down with her and work through them. Don't stop even if you start feeling better after a few weeks.
Really go for it. You've got so many people here who really care about you. All of us on the May thread are rooting for you.
You can do this my friend xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Hi Lilac,
There are lots of options besides AA. Perhaps try Rational Recovery, SMART or Women For Sobriety. I'm sober two years without AA and my life is so much better. I hope you find what works for you.
There are lots of options besides AA. Perhaps try Rational Recovery, SMART or Women For Sobriety. I'm sober two years without AA and my life is so much better. I hope you find what works for you.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
At the end of my drinking, I didn't want to live either. It's truly a miserable way to live, waking up dreading the day, promising myself to get sober, and caving in by evening. The anxiety and depression were awful - I lived on the edge of a nervous breakdown constantly, until I couldn't do it another day.
I think sometimes we have to break down before we can break through. I finally let go and admitted I needed help. I let go of trying to control everything: job, finances..... all of it.
You did the best thing by reaching out today. You're not alone. You can recover.:ghug3
I think sometimes we have to break down before we can break through. I finally let go and admitted I needed help. I let go of trying to control everything: job, finances..... all of it.
You did the best thing by reaching out today. You're not alone. You can recover.:ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Lilac
I remember how it was.
I'd get so scared too - and while alcohol soothed my fears, it fed them too.
I was in a no win situation.
Then alcohol stopped soothing my fears.
Things really kicked up a notch then.
You're not an idiot - you're scared confused and you need a helping hand.
There's a lot of good advice here.
Reaching out and asking for help is a great step forward - actually taking the help and taking steps to get out the hole is even better
Keep talking to us
D
I remember how it was.
I'd get so scared too - and while alcohol soothed my fears, it fed them too.
I was in a no win situation.
Then alcohol stopped soothing my fears.
Things really kicked up a notch then.
You're not an idiot - you're scared confused and you need a helping hand.
There's a lot of good advice here.
Reaching out and asking for help is a great step forward - actually taking the help and taking steps to get out the hole is even better
Keep talking to us
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Thank you everyone. I went to the 10am AA meeting. In a town with very few people in recovery, I was one of 6-7 people there just starting or restarting. The chairperson began the meeting by asking if anyone had any burning desires or needed help (note: I did also admit to being there for my first meeting after my last drink, which is asked at the beginning of each meeting this group has) and I spewed it all: the lies I'd told work, the binge with a few days sober in between and the fear and the unmanageability and the tears flowed.
Turned out to be a great meeting. Turns out a few other people who are struggling needed to hear my honesty. Then I sat and talked to the chairwoman and another woman in early sobriety (who has also struggled for a few years) for an hour after. I received some solutions and good guidance for getting through the next day.
Here's the number one: don't think about all the stuff I didn't do last month or all the stuff coming up at work this month. Just focus on today and what I must get done today (that's for tomorrow). That's all I can do.
Ask God for help. Call another person and talk about anything. Go to the gym because exercise really changes one's mental outlook.
So all I can do today is go workout to readjust my attitude (and hopefully make myself sleepy tonight). I plan on confessing my lies and non-work and binges to my husband.
Tomorrow, I am not to try to apologize to anyone or explain anything at work. After all, I'm a contractor and I'm my own boss. I am to only do what I can to get through tomorrow. It was suggested that I start the day with a workout, not going in to the office early, since my attitude will be better-suited to dealing with stress.
That's it for now. That's plenty, if you ask me. God help me.
Turned out to be a great meeting. Turns out a few other people who are struggling needed to hear my honesty. Then I sat and talked to the chairwoman and another woman in early sobriety (who has also struggled for a few years) for an hour after. I received some solutions and good guidance for getting through the next day.
Here's the number one: don't think about all the stuff I didn't do last month or all the stuff coming up at work this month. Just focus on today and what I must get done today (that's for tomorrow). That's all I can do.
Ask God for help. Call another person and talk about anything. Go to the gym because exercise really changes one's mental outlook.
So all I can do today is go workout to readjust my attitude (and hopefully make myself sleepy tonight). I plan on confessing my lies and non-work and binges to my husband.
Tomorrow, I am not to try to apologize to anyone or explain anything at work. After all, I'm a contractor and I'm my own boss. I am to only do what I can to get through tomorrow. It was suggested that I start the day with a workout, not going in to the office early, since my attitude will be better-suited to dealing with stress.
That's it for now. That's plenty, if you ask me. God help me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
I think there comes a point where the drinking (and / or the drinking and stopping and starting) actually CAUSE some of the panic, anxiety and depression.
It no longer becomes "you drink to calm anxiety and soothe depression".
It becomes "you drink and it makes you anxious and depressed"... and/ or "you relapse and it makes you anxious and depressed" ... not to mention what it does to your physiology... serotonin levels.... dopamine... gaba receptors... insulin levels... electrolytes... nutrition.... And what it does to your psychology... self esteem, self image, sense of competency, sense of control....
All I'm saying is even knowing all that... I have been shocked to see it is SO true and I saw it by forcing continued sobriety on myself. Yes, i am not going to minimize it... getting sober is like crawling alone through an opening that is smaller then you are. Yes it forces your life to shift to make room for a sober you.
But isn't that like being born? Try not to focus at this time on what getting sober will mean for you or your life. Focus on that sobriety will GIVE you life.
It no longer becomes "you drink to calm anxiety and soothe depression".
It becomes "you drink and it makes you anxious and depressed"... and/ or "you relapse and it makes you anxious and depressed" ... not to mention what it does to your physiology... serotonin levels.... dopamine... gaba receptors... insulin levels... electrolytes... nutrition.... And what it does to your psychology... self esteem, self image, sense of competency, sense of control....
All I'm saying is even knowing all that... I have been shocked to see it is SO true and I saw it by forcing continued sobriety on myself. Yes, i am not going to minimize it... getting sober is like crawling alone through an opening that is smaller then you are. Yes it forces your life to shift to make room for a sober you.
But isn't that like being born? Try not to focus at this time on what getting sober will mean for you or your life. Focus on that sobriety will GIVE you life.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Wow......that IS a lot - I agree! 
It really is such a relief to be able to be honest (even though it's so scary to do). You should feel really good about what you've done just today!
One day at a time worked for me - you're doing great!:ghug3
It really is such a relief to be able to be honest (even though it's so scary to do). You should feel really good about what you've done just today!One day at a time worked for me - you're doing great!:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Originally Posted by lilac0721 
I went to rehab 4 years ago. I stayed sober for a couple of months after, then back to the pattern of relapse, screw up work, scramble to put the pieces back together, relapse, repeat. I don't think a second rehab is an option for me primarily because I have no way to pay for it.
The steps...well I did 1-5 in rehab 4 years ago. I started to write out some stuff for step 1-3 last week before starting my most recent binge. I live in a very small town, so there are not many women at meetings. Maybe I need a long-distance sponsor?
Thepatman, you are right. Alcohol is not worth dying for. I almost feel like I am better at dealing with my life when it's on the verge of falling apart than when things are going ok. Right now I feel so stuck. I just don't know what to do about the immediate crises, let alone the lifetime of work needed to have a happy, healthy and productive life. I'm so so scared. But it feels good to reach out to people here.
There is one AA meeting in this tiny town today. It's in 40 minutes. I will be there. I will ask for help.
The steps...well I did 1-5 in rehab 4 years ago. I started to write out some stuff for step 1-3 last week before starting my most recent binge. I live in a very small town, so there are not many women at meetings. Maybe I need a long-distance sponsor?
Thepatman, you are right. Alcohol is not worth dying for. I almost feel like I am better at dealing with my life when it's on the verge of falling apart than when things are going ok. Right now I feel so stuck. I just don't know what to do about the immediate crises, let alone the lifetime of work needed to have a happy, healthy and productive life. I'm so so scared. But it feels good to reach out to people here.
There is one AA meeting in this tiny town today. It's in 40 minutes. I will be there. I will ask for help.
I'm sorry that you're suffering, but I also know that drinking causes more anxiety, so that makes the situation even worse.
Slow down, call someone you can talk to to help ease your mind.
Every hear of 211.org?? Check it out, see if they have a phone number you can call, and talk to them. They can also be a life saver.
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