Notices

My story and a couple of questions

Old 01-05-2013, 09:20 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 15
My story and a couple of questions

I really felt like I needed to get this out of my system so here I am. Am so thankful for this site.

Ever since my teenage years, alcohol has always been a crutch. Back then it was all about going out to clubs and binge drinking. I always wrote it off as a "teenage" thing and that I'd grow out of it.

However the drinking continued. I just somehow felt empty without it. Always alone at home. And in the recent years, combined with sleeping pills and benzos.

I'd always had trouble sleeping - I'm the sort that wakes up every 2 hours naturally without pills. But it started to become a situation where I was using them to get high rather than to sleep. The alcohol just helped that. Somehow I'd be a more interesting person while high and drunk, writing better. I liked that. When I travelled it was even more of an excuse to take the pills as the insomnia was worsened in rooms foreign to me.

About 5 years ago my BF, or the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, said enough was enough and that I had to stop completely. Or he'd leave. I stopped completely. Went few years sober.

However all that while I was still taking pills when I travelled for work. Telling myself I had a proper excuse to do so. The lack of sleep would affect my work. I somehow managed to put him out of my mind when I went to the doctors asking for pills.

Then about a year ago I started drinking again. The funny part is there was no major event stressing me out, in fact things were going well for me. I was tired from work and told myself I deserved a drink or two when I got home. Of course that progressed into many drinks plus pills again eventually. How fast we forget the fear that made us stop initially. I really hate that I drink even when things are going smoothly for me.

The drinking and pill popping wasn't on a daily basis. It would be in bursts of maybe one week at a time. I'd stop for a few weeks and start all over again. All this while, even right up to last night, I convinced myself this thing was under control that I could stop any time and that it was just for this week.

It got to a point where I was blacking out, sending incoherent smses to the people closest to me, even going down to the convenience store without any recollection the next morning. Even in that state I was high functioning, making sure to wake up right on time for work the next day. I did miss a few days of work due to my habits though but nothing out of the ordinary.

The extent to which I was in denial is kinda scary. I somehow could block out any and all thoughts or suspicions that it was becoming a problem and somehow pretend it didn't exist. An example was my weight. After awhile of the body being able to handle the drinking and the excess calories, I finally started to put on stubborn weight that was and is hard for me to shed. People around me started commenting on my weight gain and puffy face, but I was so in denial that I didn't allow myself to connect the dots that the weight gain was caused by the alcohol, pill popping and crazy snacking that came hand in hand with these two things. Bear in mind I used to have a food/anorexia problem, so weight gain is a really big deal to me. I went on diets, starting exercising, lifestyle changes, all the while getting frustrated as to why the weight wasn't coming off even though I was still drinking. That's how much in denial I was.

All this while my BF knew I was relapsed even though I was lying to him. He tried talking to me about it but I'd just lie in his face. He tried threatening to leave a few times and I swore I'd never go back to my old habits again. Finally I went on another bender this Christmas and he decided he was going to walk, that he could not help me anymore. I only barely convinced him to stay with me one last time. My last drink and pill was 11 days ago.

When I think about the pain I put him thru, it really hurts me. Only recently he told me about how stressed and worried he would get everytime he knew I was drinking. It's really difficult for him to trust me right now. To be honest I might be in jail or dead if he was not in my life. It's true that some people are put in your life for a reason.

In spite of this, until now, it's hard for me to go by a couple hours without thinking of drinking or taking pills. This makes me feel so guilty, that in spite of knowing all the consequences, hurting my BF, I would still think of such things. Is this normal? I feel so bad about it.

The main thing I am concerned about is the fear that it would be easy for me to relapse. The sad part is I feel if he was not in my life, I might be doing as I please. Is this dangerous? A small part of me still feels like in denial. Right now I focus on my BF, but am so worried that I'd be able to push thoughts of him away and just relapse. How do I change the part of me that can just ignore and avoid reality?

A last vanity question : why is it my face seems more puffy now that I've stopped? I've made major lifestyle changes regarding exercise and diet, but for some reason my body is responding but my face is still puffy.

Sorry for all the questions I'm so new to this. It's just that last night I finally decided to acknowledge that I have a problem. Any help would be appreciated.
BelovedSleep is offline  
Old 01-05-2013, 09:24 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Stang's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 651
The extent to which I was in denial is kinda scary. I somehow could block out any and all thoughts or suspicions that it was becoming a problem and somehow pretend it didn't exist. An example was my weight. After awhile of the body being able to handle the drinking and the excess calories, I finally started to put on stubborn weight that was and is hard for me to shed. People around me started commenting on my weight gain and puffy face, but I was so in denial that I didn't allow myself to connect the dots that the weight gain was caused by the alcohol, pill popping and crazy snacking that came hand in hand with these two things. Bear in mind I used to have a food/anorexia problem, so weight gain is a really big deal to me. I went on diets, starting exercising, lifestyle changes, all the while getting frustrated as to why the weight wasn't coming off even though I was still drinking. That's how much in denial I was.
At least you've come to grips with it. Four friends of mine went to their graves denying it caused their health problems. It may take several tries and I DON'T suggest drinking again but you can stay sober.
Stang is offline  
Old 01-05-2013, 09:35 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Sobriety is Traditional
 
Coldfusion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,033
11 days might be too soon for much physical recovery, so don't worry about your face...

AA has worked for me and my wife. Does your boyfriend drink?
Coldfusion is offline  
Old 01-05-2013, 09:41 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,040
Hi BelovedSleep - welcome

I think staying sober for someone else can work...for a bit...I've never seen it work terribly well long term tho.

That drive to stay sober needs to come from within us I think, because external circumstances or constraints won't always be applicable or won't always be there.

Do you still think drinking makes you more interesting?

Maybe it's worth while thinking about what you're trying to achieve with your drinking and why you don't seem to like who sober you is.

Might be a start anyway?

You'll find a ton of support here
D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 01-05-2013, 09:51 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Coldfusion View Post
11 days might be too soon for much physical recovery, so don't worry about your face...

AA has worked for me and my wife. Does your boyfriend drink?
Thanks. No he doesn't.
BelovedSleep is offline  
Old 01-05-2013, 09:53 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi BelovedSleep - welcome

I think staying sober for someone else can work...for a bit...I've never seen it work terribly well long term tho.

That drive to stay sober needs to come from within us I think, because external circumstances or constraints won't always be applicable or won't always be there.

Do you still think drinking makes you more interesting?

Maybe it's worth while thinking about what you're trying to achieve with your drinking and why you don't seem to like who sober you is.

Might be a start anyway?

You'll find a ton of support here
D
Thanks. A voice at the back of my head also tells me staying sober for someone else may not work in the long term.

I've always had self-esteem/hate issues.

Thanks so much for the replies!
BelovedSleep is offline  
Old 01-05-2013, 10:00 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 104
Hi BelovedSleep,
Your story is more common than you think. I have been drinking for the last 5 years and I had problems sleeping for the last two years. I faked that I wasn't drinking. Wanted to take sleeping pills for international travel but I wanted ambien which I couldn't use due to a prior brain injury.
I also worried to death my dh when I was drinking and outside of the house. He had to look for me in many places. I wouldn't be sober without his support. I would like to think I would do it my own also.

The bloating in my face left me immediately and my skin looked better about 2-3 weeks later. However my stomach was still bloated. Watch your sodium intake especially if you are snacking on salty stuff.

Take vitamins--I am not a doctor or pharmacist but this is what I take recommended by my doctor and included a blood test to find any deficiencies:
B13--given to you during a hospitalized detox
niacin-given to you during a hospitalized detoz
magnesium
chromium
zinc
potassium
Vitamin C

Drink lots of water and tea
Eat veggies and protein.

Do some research and ask a doctor.

Let go of the post and work on the future.

gigi
gigi0310 is offline  
Old 01-05-2013, 10:03 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
BabyJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Quitting for the boyfriend is sweet but I believe that in order to stay stopped you might want to go deeper into this than your relationship and your physical appearance. Both of those might help you remain sober for a while but you keep going back to alcohol and pills.

For me, alcohol and pills were my only providers of security for a long time. When I didn't have them I became aggitated, fearful, sad, very insecure, and just overall miserable. I also had a financee who I tried many times to quit for (and his two children who I cared for also) but I always had a crisis and had to go back to my coping mechanism eventually. I am also someone who suffered from an eating disorder; my weight was a huge concern and I GAINED a lot after first getting sober because I was also using narcotics. It was scary and I felt really helpless.

Eventually, I lost the guy and lost a lot of other things to my habbits. I ended up in jail and in hospitals and rehabs too. It took a few years before I really surrendered. If you're ready to surrender that means you will be willing to stay sober no matter WHAT. Are you there yet?

I hope you can explore some options like AA or Smart Recovery because maybe you need help? Maybe you can't do it alone? I sure can't. Keep coming to SR and I hope you can stay sober and be HAPPY as you journey forward.

BabyJane is offline  
Old 01-05-2013, 10:04 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 15
Thanks so much. I actually feel relieved that my story is common.
BelovedSleep is offline  
Old 01-05-2013, 10:06 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by BabyJane View Post
Quitting for the boyfriend is sweet but I believe that in order to stay stopped you might want to go deeper into this than your relationship and your physical appearance. Both of those might help you remain sober for a while but you keep going back to alcohol and pills.

For me, alcohol and pills were my only providers of security for a long time. When I didn't have them I became aggitated, fearful, sad, very insecure, and just overall miserable. I also had a financee who I tried many times to quit for (and his two children who I cared for also) but I always had a crisis and had to go back to my coping mechanism eventually. I am also someone who suffered from an eating disorder; my weight was a huge concern and I GAINED a lot after first getting sober because I was also using narcotics. It was scary and I felt really helpless.

Eventually, I lost the guy and lost a lot of other things to my habbits. I ended up in jail and in hospitals and rehabs too. It took a few years before I really surrendered. If you're ready to surrender that means you will be willing to stay sober no matter WHAT. Are you there yet?

I hope you can explore some options like AA or Smart Recovery because maybe you need help? Maybe you can't do it alone? I sure can't. Keep coming to SR and I hope you can stay sober and be HAPPY as you journey forward.

I totally agree. Thank you for being so insightful. Your story is very relatable for me. Can I ask what finally made you stop?

I wish I could go to AA or some kind of treatment but over here in Asia these are pretty rare.

Any suggestions if I can't go for actual treatment? I just ordered a ton of books.
BelovedSleep is offline  
Old 01-06-2013, 05:50 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
BabyJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Sorry I wasn't aware that you were in Asia. From what I've heard there are English-speaking meetings all over the world, so perhaps you can check, or there are online meetings here and a few other places. What finally worked for me was a combination of accumulated knowledge, the kindness and willingness of some sober friends to coach me and help me along, and my own complete surrender - I had to be ready to loose everything (material stuff, unhealthy or just overly-challenging relationships, my perception of who I was and what life was about) and still stay away from the booze and pills NO MATTER WHAT. Honestly, almost nothing in my life today is the same. I gave up a lot but I watched and listened to some people who actually had quality sobriety and did what they did, all the while trusting that eventually everything that I was giving up would be replaced by something much better and more valuable and that's what is happening. It's been really hard sometimes, I won't lie to you, but I am finally able to have some PEACE in my life after so many years of feeling completely uncomfortable and anxious almost all the time. To me, that's worth any sacrifice. I am happier now than I was when I had the fancy car, the big house, the wealthy good-looking guy, the high-profile job, etc. I wasn't very humble or grateful back then and now I am humble and grateful every single day.

I hope this helps a bit. I'm not saying AA or meetings are the only way but you need support. No one does this completely alone. No matter where you are the Internet and telephone gives you a connection to others in recovery. Find people who you can trust and relate to and ask them to show you the way. Also, check into AA maybe just to see what the steps are all about and what it says in the big book about alcoholism and recovery. It's all easy to find online! Those are my suggestions! Here for you.

BabyJane is offline  
Old 01-06-2013, 06:07 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 15
Thank you so much for bothering to take the time to reply
BelovedSleep is offline  
Old 01-07-2013, 04:54 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Water's Edge
Posts: 239
BelovedSleep -- really good that you found this site. It has been very helpful to me to spend time here because there is so much more time in your life when drinking and pills are not there to swallow hours. It takes time living without the substances for your brain and body to function normally. Lots more time than I ever could have imagined since I had no concept of the all the ways I was affected by drinking. Stay off the substances at all costs. Make that the central focus. Identify the things that start getting better and treasure each improvement, from noticing the early morning beauty to having no worries about what happened the day before. Very gradually the improvements themselves reinforce sobriety. This is a journey. Stay the course. Best xxx.
Auvers is offline  
Old 01-07-2013, 07:06 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
BabyJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
My pleasure. Praying for you!
BabyJane is offline  
Old 01-07-2013, 07:44 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 183
Beloved, when I finally quit drinking, I used my relationship with my wonderful boyfriends as motivation, but the reason was all about me. For myself, a good part was being honest about how much time, mental energy and space, and problems were caused by alcohol (I had a Rx for benzos but somehow never became a problem. My doc was very strict with them, and I was very wary, for good reason). When I first quit, I read a TON of addiction books (good resources are a sticky, but faves were Allen Carr's book, Kristen Johnson's Guts, and Drinking: A Love Story). I read and posted on SR. I focused on goals and paid close attention to the positive changes. The big difference for me was accepting that I really cannot drink, and that is OK. Allen Carr's book is good for addressing why it is totally fine and should be the norm. But regardless, it is very possible to have a wonderful, engaging and fun life with no alcohol or drugs. Humility and gratitude are awesome tools to carry you through the day.

Good luck, keep posting. You can do this! You are totally worth it.
auden67 is offline  
Old 01-07-2013, 07:45 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 183
*Boyfriend. There was and still is only one of him.
auden67 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:08 AM.