mydream

This is my first post on this forum and I have seen many positive comments so I wanted to get opinions on my situation. I was engaged and living with my fiance for 5 years and pretty much thought he was my soul mate. When we met, he would hang out with his friends at the bars about 5-7 days per week. We would go out together and after a few years of the same ole thing, I thought someday we would be getting married and quit hanging out in the bars. He did slow his drinking down a little, but he would still hang out in the bars at least 2 nights, sometimes 3 or 4 nights per week. This past year we would argue constantly about the drinking and he told me that he was hanging out in the bars when I met him and he would never stop. I told him that I was leaving because I didn't want to live on a bar stool for the rest of my life. I am 49 years old, I have worked very hard to get the job that I have currently, my kids are raised and I want to settle down and enjoy being married again. I felt as though I came 2nd or 3rd in his life and I want to be first. When I found a place to move he was furious! He didn't think I would really leave aparently. I moved out in October and since I moved out, he started drinking every day all day, started doing coke, lost his job and has just really gone down hill. He started dating some girl 16 years younger than him, but she is just there for free drinks and drugs I'm sure. He will call me in the middle of the night crying saying that I should have never left him when she is sitting right there with him, and I told him If he would have chosen me over the alcohol, I would still be there with him.

My problem is, I am just as misserable as he is it seems. I can't stop thinking about him and we can't stop texting each other. I know I did the right thing to leave because I want him to get help and if he doesn't get help, I have to move on. He and I both have alcoholism in our families. His father was an alcoholic and was abusive to him and his siblings. My father was an alcoholic and was abusive to me. He alienated everyone in his family and he died a lonely man at the age of 67. My first husband is a functioning alcoholic and I divorced him for the same reason. I don't know why I keep ending up in these types of relationships and I begin counseling on Monday.

I am torn because I feel like if my x-fiance would agree to get help, I would be behind him 100% to help him with his recovery, I just don't know if I should be hoping for that or just move on. It has been 3 months since we split and it seems to be getting harder instead of easier to forget him, and he is feeling the same from what I hear.

I just don't know what to do at this point.

sober1ck

That sounds heartbreaking. I can remember being on the other end of that several years ago. I had lost a couple good jobs, but didn't want to stop drinking. My wife and I argued about it, and after it seemed clear I was unable or unwilling to change, she asked for a divorce. All I'm saying is I was the horse led to water a number of times. I wasn't going to sober up a first time for awhile.

More recently, my soul mate gave up on me partly because she strongly identified as alcoholic and made the steps to get sober and stay that way.

Are you getting the picture that I haven't tended to learn from other people's mistakes? Do you want to be on a roller coster with someone going in and out of recovery to please you? I wish I could offer more hope, and don't want to assume that this guy is like me, but if he is? Looks like a very difficult situation, and I wish you well figuring out what's right. I guess Cupid isn't always nice.

renaldo

I'm in no position to give you advice. Just wanted to chime in and say that absolutely and positively you are not alone in your struggle. No way, no how.

All the best to you.

mydream

sober1ck it is heartbreaking! I appreciate your honesty and that is what I am wondering, what he is feeling and thinking. I feel for the most part that most men think that they have to keep up this "hard ass" persona and that they stuff their feelings. He has a huge heart, but tries to act like a big tough guy. I think he is crying out for help, but all of the friends he is hanging out with just encourage drinking. I see what you are saying, the alcohol wins most of the time so I should just suck it up and try my best to move forward. That is what most people are telling me, but something keeps me hanging on.. It's like I feel like I have to save him or something.

So how did you feel after your soul mate left?

Maylie

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him get sober and treat you the way you want to be treated. He has to want to be sober more than anything in his entire life, and it seems that at this point all he is willing to do is talk the talk, not walk the walk.

I am a recovered heroin addict. I told myself how badly I wanted to change but used the excuse of how everyone around me used and how temptation was too high etc. etc. Well, when I finally had enough I left all those friends, moved 12 hours away, and finally got serious about recovery. Until he is serious about recovery, he will continue to keep hanging out with those same friends, in the same bars, and continue to keep talking and talking about change and how he misses you. The problem is, words are just words.

Whenever an A tells me how miserable they are, how much they love me, or how much they miss me...I remind myself that they had me, for a long time, and choose to continue on a path that they knew would mean they would lose me. He literally went as far as to you that you met him on a barstool and that he wasn't going to change. I'm not saying any of this to be insensitive, I am saying it as someone who was an addict and eventaully choose myself and my loved ones over a short high.

I would try going no contact for awhile. It is hard to see clearly when you are constantly getting text messages and long convorsations. You left for a reason, give yourself the chance to really live now that you have left.

sober1ck

I'm no pro at dealing with loss and neither is my soul mate. The letting go process was long and it was a series of holding on and letting go until finally... something happened and it seemed easier to let go than hang on. Sorry to be so vague. What I like to think, though, is that life offers lots of soul mates, and maybe later on, I'll be able to connect with someone again. But right now I'm told to just be sober and show up. OK. My way wasn't working.