Wow. I messed up.

Old 01-05-2013, 04:24 PM
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Wow. I messed up.

So AH and I drove out to California for Xmas to visit relatives. Long story short, we've had a lot of time together the past few weeks, including about 7 days total in the car together. We came home last night and another long story short, a confusing argument lead to me saying: "your crazy. Go have a drink", in anger. Probably the worst thing I could say. Part of me wonders if he was picking a fight so he could justify drinking tht night, who knows (I've heard A's do that?).

I apologized profusely later, even after he had called me names, saying I knew how wrong it was for me to have said that, and I was so sorry. He cried while he drank straight from a wine bottle, told me it was ok, he gets that I'm sorry, just leave him alone. He slept in the other room with the door locked.

Do I just try to act normal? Apologize again? He's not talking to me, leaves the room to busy himself elsewhere when I settle there. I truly feel bad, it's very rare that I lash out verbally. Part of me is angry and sad that he acting this way, part of me feels so bad for him. Definitely attending the next Al Anon meeting I can.
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Old 01-05-2013, 05:24 PM
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Since he is still drinking, then anything is possible. You already said that you were sorry, no reason to groval at his feet, it happened, it's over. You did not pour the alcohol down his throat, it was his decision to drink, using what you said as an excuse to drink, is just that, an excuse.

You are right, time to get to a meeting.
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Old 01-05-2013, 05:35 PM
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How did you mess up?
Ok, so you spoke in anger...
It happens...(especially, in situations like these)
If he's an alcoholic, he would have eventually made up some lame
excuse to drink regardless of anything you may have said to him...

The fact that you allowed him to provoke you (yes, I am speaking from experience on this one, BELIEVE ME!) only makes it easier for him not to take responsibility for his own decision...

Good for you for "owning" your part in this...
Your part is all you need to be concerned about..
Not his...

Linda
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Old 01-06-2013, 02:35 PM
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The only way you can cause someone to drink is hold them down and pour alcohol down their throats. Or, put a gun to their heads. There are lots of excuses but no real reason to drink ... it's because he is an alcoholic, nothing else. You apologized, now let it go. More importantly, what do you plan to do? Is this the relationship you want?
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Old 01-06-2013, 02:42 PM
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Hi
I'm sorry... I have definitely said this to the ex that I later regretted, like I felt he loved getting drunk more than he loved me. Actually, it was true but probably didn't help too much at the time. I have to agree with the other posters that said your comment is not the reason for his drinking. Rather, he has developed a very maladaptive way of coping with his feelings by drinking them away.

Definitely apologize and try to carry on as normal.
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Old 01-06-2013, 02:50 PM
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the night my XABF and I broke up, one of the most triggering things I said to him was: why don't you drink two more beers so you can start smashing things around the house? to which he said: that is the stupidest thing you've ever said, why would you say that? to which i said: because it's happened before.............

i knew it was over right there and then just wish i didn't hope he'd call to say he wants me back
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:09 PM
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i tell my bf to get F&*( but does he go out and find someone to have sex with?...your bf has choices, so dont let him guilt you to think that this is your fault!

know your boundaries and stick to them. you said you were sorry, and you meant it. there is nothing more you can do. you just need to ask yourself if living with a big kid is what you want?
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Old 01-07-2013, 06:20 AM
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Oh yes, I've played that game many times with my AH.
We argue, I cross a line when angry, he drinks and sulks and gives me the silent treatment.
I've also been on the recieving end of not only the silent treatment but also the "I can't be in the same room with you" treatment.
It's a ploy to make you feel worse than you already do. And as long as you hang your head he will continue to act this way.
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Old 01-07-2013, 10:16 AM
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My ABF would work hard to pick fights with me over anything. That way he could either blame me when he would then drink, or he could use the argument as an excuse to get away (ie go drink somewhere). Took a lot of work with my counselor to detach from the behavior and not allow myself to get into a fight. Of course, that also made him angry when he couldn't get a fight out of me! Don't be hard on yourself. You apologized, let it go and go to AlAnon.
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Old 01-07-2013, 10:39 AM
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Alcoholics are FAMOUS for starting arguments to justify their own desire to drink. That's as old as the hills. That's because alcoholics posess the most sophisticated rationalization / justifcation system of any body of humans on planet earth. They will justify ripping off The Hope Diamond by giving half the proceeds to charity. Don't buy into it. He probably IS crazy.
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