My Girlfriend is an Alcoholic

Old 01-05-2013, 06:40 AM
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My Girlfriend is an Alcoholic

I picked ANOTHER bad person to date...guhh how am I so good at this?? I seriously need to be on a gameshow called "How to Destroy Your Life."

I've been dating my partner for 6 months now, going on 7. I moved in a month ago to help her out since her roommate left. Since I moved in, I have learned that she is an alcoholic. I had no idea she was addicted to alcohol...She effectively hid it from me and portrayed herself as just someone who liked to kick back on the weekend with a couple of drinks, no big deal. Wrong. It's totally a humungous deal. She has this breathalyzer and when she drinks, she will blow into it for sh*ts and giggles to see how effed up she is. Well, she always blows around a .30 which means she should be blacking out. Last week she blew a .39 which means she should have been in a coma.... but she wasn't! She was up and walking around, only looking like she was tipsy. This is terrible to see anyone do to themselves! I don't understand it. Why would you want to kill yourself like this? She tells me she doesn't want to die and she just drinks to relax...

Another big issue besides her impending death due to alcohol poisoning is that I recently realized that I want to have a baby in the future. I don't want to have my baby around an alcoholic. She isn't mean or violent to me while she is intoxicated, but it is still dangerous and not exactly the best, most ideal situation to raise a child in! Plus, she doesn't even want to have kids...

We have totally different goals in life and ways of living.... I thought maybe we could make it work if she got help for her drinking, but she won't. She says counseling won't help and is not interested in AA meetings. Also, she doesn't seem to be budging on the baby issue. But I would never want to try to convince someone that they need help or that they should be a mother. Decisions like those are ones that you have to make on your own, regardless of what others try to tell you.

I really need to break up with her and move away. But the thing is, I can't right now. I don't have money for a deposit or a moving truck or monthly rent or even a place to go. I have no idea where to live or what to do.


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Old 01-05-2013, 06:55 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed.

When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved one's alcoholism:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took me some time to wrap my head around that concept. I was certain my words, love or begging would bring about the changes I wanted in my partner. I was powerless to force change on another adult.

I also had a problem with my *relationship picker*. I was always ending up in relationships that left me frustrated, neglected, and feeling abandoned.

I realized that the issue wasn't with the partners (they were perfectly content being who they were) it was my settling for potential in relationship partners instead of committing to only spending time with partners that had the qualities I desire.

Stick around, you will find support here.
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:46 AM
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Thanks! I def want to break up but my main issue is I don't have a place to go.
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Old 01-05-2013, 08:37 AM
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Now is a good time to sit down, figure out what you need to move out, and then figure out what you need to do to make that happen. Be sure that removing your name from the lease once you move (If it's on the lease now) is on that list. Otherwise if she falls behind on the rent her landlord could go after you for the money!

You don't say anything about how you think she'll take it. You don't have to let her know until she comes home one day and you're not there, if you feel she may turn dangerous. Likewise, if she isn't the sort who would care at all, you *could* tell her tonight - but personally, I wouldn't say anything about it until you have at least an emergency backup plan in case she acts up worse than you estimated.

AlAnon is a great resource for those affected by someone's alcoholism. I know you have only recently discovered she's an alcoholic, and I know you are already looking into leaving - I still suggest attending AlAnon, especially while you're stuck living with her, as it will help you remain centered and focused on what you need to do. The more educated you are about the disease, the less likely you'll be to dig your hole deeper while you're mapping your way out!
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Old 01-05-2013, 09:24 AM
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Welcome to SR!

Your ahead of alot of us when we get to this site because you already know you can't force her to get help. You have also already recognized that you two aren't a good match- she doesn't want children, you don't have the same values, she is content drinking herself to death.

I would sit down and figure out exactly how much you would need to move and plan out how long it will take to get to that point. I would not mention it to her until you have it all figured out because she could freak and kick you out, get violent, or make your life a living hell. Once you figure out what it will take to get you out of there, you have a goal to work towards.

Focus on your needs. She is a grown woman and knows what she is doing and has decided she is content with that life style. All you can control is getting yourself out of that unhealthy situation. Luckily, with planning and saving money, it is not an impossible task!
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:52 AM
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Thank you so much for your replies. I am not sure if al-Anon is right for me, but I will definitely check it out and give it a go!
She has mentioned a few times that she thinks I am with her because I am afraid she will kick me out if we are not dating. I think she is trying to tell me that it is okay if we break up. She has also said we have both been unhappy for a while now.
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