patientlywaitin

I have got to stop allowing him to upset me.... Today has been a rather difficult day for me in general. Had a meeting with my husbands in house psychiatrist which went rather well. He didn't tell me anything I hadn't already realized and seemed rather surprised with my understanding of my husbands recovery so far.

I've felt so lost through this process and I'm doing the best I can to inform myself and hold it together for my kids at this point. Sometimes it's all I can do to make it through the day without ripping my hair out. I've spent a life time being a codependent and hadn't fully realized how much I've suffered because of it.... until lately. I'm not a newbie when it comes to living with addicts/addiction/alcoholism but I had no clue how to be married to one. I was lucky enough that it didn't take long before he realized how bad it was either. Recovery is totally new to me and things seemed to have progressed a lot since my childhood spent in smoke filled AA houses so I have so much to learn about my entire families recovery but I'm ready and willing, as worn out as I am I haven't given up, I'm just trying to let go.

My husband seemed ok with a few new concepts I've mentioned until today. When his ex wife attempted to get a rise out of me as usual by withholding the time she would be dropping off my step daughter I let go.... Real quick. I told him that I had things to do and if I were home then I wouldn't have a problem but I'm no longer accommodating someone who couldn't give me the respect or common courtesy. That I was tired of being screwed with and if he was ok with that then he could knock himself out but I'm done. That didn't sit well with him, and now he is mad at me which hurts, badly but I can't show him that right now. I explained to him where I stand and why, reassured him that it had nothing to do with him or my step daughter and that's about as much as I can give him at this point. I'm so tired, he has no idea nor does he even care right now. On top of the addiction/recovery process I am toting 4 kids back and forth to the hospital up to twice a week, spent the holidays alone, have realized way more than I am comfortable dealing with in the last week alone, we lost our income, soon our home and my sanity is sure to follow.

While he is fortunate enough to have insurance, I don't. He has a wonderful support system backing him up, I don't. I have to do what I can to hold myself together, not just for our kids but for myself as well. I have put myself through hell for so long and it's taking a toll on me mentally and physically. Not only do I not want to feel so badly, I cant afford it. I have allowed myself to become consumed by my beloved addicts and it's time I start taking care of me. After all, none of them have ever cared whether or not I've slept or eaten, it's about time I start.

FindingJoy

Oh I can relate to your pain. I am working on letting go of anger resentment hurt pain etc... Towards my EXRABF. Although he's been sober a year...he's not all that much different. Acceptance to reality has been tough for me.

You are right...active addicts don't care because they can't. They don't care for themselves. Even sober if they aren't working a solid program the same is true.

You have to be there for you. Easier said than one when you have been in a pattern of living for others.

I don't know how I got this way but I'm damn sure not going back to living that way ever again.

BIG HUG

PohsFriend

Hey patiently...

Wow. I'm so sorry you had such a good reason to find this place but I'm sure glad that you got here. For one thing it's so good to be able to talk about things we just don't want to share with everyone in town... For another it's really nice to have another person here who can pronounce Louisville properly and who knows that Big Bone Lick is a state park, not something dirty. ...sorry to kid around when you are hurting, just wanted you to know you had kin here and hey - at least we aren't from Arkansas right?

Anyway, welcome and yes, it sure sounds like you need to take care of you some. One thing someone told me here when I was overwhelmed... Just try to do the next right thing. I'd add that unless you have a cape and can leap tall... Tobacco barns in a single bound try to focus on the important things.... I believe you mentioned four of them?

You mentioned he has insurance but you don't? Does that mean you are not on his plan or that he's somewhere that insurance is covering while you are busy handling his (and your) duties at home? I ask because if he has good benefits there may be some help from his employee assistance plan? Depending on the plan, a range of services may be available including legal... Who may help with holding in to your home.

Hang in there. One day at a time applies to us too.

Seren

Hello Patiently, Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry you are feeling so tired and worn down.....codieville will do that to anyone.

Your husbands words may have hurt, but you handled yourself very, very well when it came time to deal with your husband's ex.

It sounds as though you could use some support, and you have it here! We understand all of it. Sending you hugs and prayers!

HG

patientlywaitin

Thank all of you for hearing me, and the for smile PohsFriend. It is a blessing to have people to turn to when I'm struggling, lost, sad and confused, even if I don't know them. We all have things in common somewhere along the line.

I'm actually new to the area. I've only been here since Aug. Originally from central IL. Just means I have a few more teeth than the locals and haven't yet picked up the accent. I'm pretty close to Ft Knox so it isn't quite so bad with so many soldiers here from all over.

To answer the question my husband has VA insurance so there are no family benefits that I'm aware of? I'm lucky enough that his therapists have included me in his sessions in the last few months. Neither of us are employed atm, I have been looking while he's been away and managed to squeeze in an interview but I really need him here so I can work, we have child care for the youngest but I need him to get the others off the bus. This town is pretty much shut down after dark so first shift is my best bet. It hasn't been as easy as I'm used to, coming from a place 4xs the size of this. Definately hoping I can find something soon in my area of expertise but Id take anything over nothing right now. The idea of being homeless ontop of everything else is something I really don't need.

PohsFriend

New in town too, huh? Yeesh.

Ok so forgive me if you've already looked into these but I know I can get overwhelmed and paralyzed sometimes.... I just did some googling.

VA will extend benefits to you if you qualify as a caregiver.
Is he officially disabled? If so, there are programs for families of disabled veterans

Also, i know it might be tough but there are public assistance programs designed for your situation as a safety net. I keep losing my post in progress when I try to cut and paste from other windows ..lthank iPad!

I had a friend go through a similar situation and getting health care for you and the kids, emergency assistance and SNAP benefits beats not doing so. Snap uses a debit card, it isn't like having to mumble food stamps at checkout, just swipe and go.

I'm afraid to leave the window again but I think I've heard about some foreclosure programs if you guys own and I know there are some housing assistance programs if you don't. Our country sucks in some ways but allowing the wife and four kids of a disabled vet to starve is too unthinkable... I'm betting the offices for disabled American veterans at Dav.org ( they have an office in Louisville ...pronounced Loo-vull) can help.

It sounds like you need to reach out and see what's available. You may have already... But if you haven't please do. Don't let pride stop you. I have yet to hear even the most vocal fiscal conservative complain about the cost of veterans benefits and there's a lot of private charitable help out there.

Stuff you need to know about your new home state:
Bourbon county is (was when I left) a dry county.
If hubby doesn't work out, cute cousins are fair game
Shoes optional
Never, ever, ever drink from any bottle or cup that has not been in your hand since opening in the land of dipping and chewing.
Hygiene is important, brush your tooth.
Y'all is singular, all y'all plural.
Directions won't be given in miles. It's x fences, y barns and z hollers past where that farmhouse burned down three years ago.
Don't panic if you ask directions and are told "you can't get there from here". You can, but they'll direct you to their reference point first. No, I never figured that one out.
Avoid blasphemy: don't speak I'll of basketball, tobacco, god or guns.

But do understand that community has meaning there. Churches are very strong and people help people - seriously. When a tornado hit twenty miles from my old town my Facebook looked like a red cross operations summary... People packed lumber, tools, food, water, bud lite and strong backs into pickup trucks and had things cleaned up and people fed, clothed and sheltered before you could say "FEMA". Get hooked into the community there, once you're in, you're family.

Good luck, chin up... Try to figure out what the next right thing is one thing and one day at a time.

lovingenabler

brush your tooth!!! HAHAHAHAHHHAHA!!!!

PohsFriend

Oh... And since lovingenabler is from NY let's go through how to classify Yankees.

Some history books describe Kentucky and Tennessee as border states from back in the War of Northern Aggression... Thats horseshit, the Yankee line is the Ohio river.

So there's Yankees ( like lovingenabler who live in the north)
Damned Yankees like you who move to the south (god's country)
And goddamned Yankees - they move to the south and marry your daughter.

Oh man, so much you need to learn...
Fried okra really is a vegetable
Higher power could mean sweet feed for the horses or it could mean Saint Rupp, coach Calipari is his latest prophet.

What else? SEC Investigations have nothing to do with wall street, it means auburn bought another QB....

Just holler if you need a translator.

patientlywaitin

Oh boy! You are to funny! Thank you for all the suggestions, I will definately look into everything. He is a veteran but drugs, alcohol, severe anxiety/PTSD and poor decision making are about as disabled as he gets for now. He's studying criminal justice here at the community college and has yet to find something after being laid off from a job he loved very much.

He's originally from TN but I think I'll definitely steer clear of his family tree

I have enjoyed the community, you are right about that. People are very friendly and talkative! I had a 30min conversation with a woman in the dog food isle at Walmart one day, where I'm from most people don't speak to you unless they know you or want to sell you something (stolen or illegal). It was so great to be able to leave the windows open on cool summer nights, I've never been able to do that. Messed up once, forgot to close one and had a woman crawl through the window and rob the house while me and the kids slept. I still lock every door behind me, no matter what time of day it is. Every community event is free to enter (but they always except a tip or donation) I'm used to paying an arm and a leg just to be annoyed and rushed which took the fun out of everything.

He finally comes home on Friday so we can begin to get things back on track. I'm sure it won't be easy but I was a single mother of 3 before we married, I can turn nothing into something and make the best of everything now that he's sober I just hope I can get him to be honest about where we stand financially. That has been one of the biggest issues. We were together and married but lived in seperate states so I didn't find out about anything until it was way to late, now I'm here, I just hope that helps?

PohsFriend

Anxiety and PTSD may very well qualify as a disability... Alcohol and drugs are common escapes from that.

...and dangit, you damned Yankees always miss the joke - I meant YOUR cute cousins are fair game now, not his! Sigh.

Yup, see what help is available and take it.

This is just my thinking.... When WE are exhausted because they have relapsed, detoxed and gotten it together well... They are too and then some. Try to let him know you missed him and love him and will be right there for him as long as he is willing to fight to get well and stay well.
The minute they sober up its so tempting to let them know everything they've done wrong and want to resolve it... Probably won't happen and I got a helluva lot saner when I stopped keeping score and started each day with a clean slate.

Today is a great day. Wife is sober as is now usual, she's working hard every day at it and is a wonderful wife and mother. She wasn't there thirty days into sobriety but she's there now and life is good. We can worry about tomorrow then. Uhm now...uhm hell if I know what day it is with a two month old waking me up every four hours but you get the idea.

patientlywaitin

I totally understand and I'm trying very hard. I think it's more difficult for him to live day by day right now than it is for me. To which I offered if the day is to long, take it by the hour.

I spent months trying to beat things in/out with no improvement in fact most days it just made it that much harder for him. He quit talking, shut down completely. Even after his 38th day he hasn't yet been able to verbalize much to me beyond small talk. He blames himself for the pain I've gone through and continue to have even tho I don't blame him. He's having a hard time understanding that as much as I don't like nor approve of his behavior that it was my choice to stay. I'm glad he is taking accountability for his actions and even remorseful but I have to take my own to. I could have left and saved myself the misery. We spent a few nights not talking at all this week because he gets angry that I'm trying not to fight/trying to let go... If that makes any sense? I'm not being complacent by far, just found it feels a lot better to not speak than it does to cling to his words. I'm nervous about him coming home but I'm trying to turn my fears into excitement. Being optimistic feels so much better than pesimistic. I hope we can get through this but I understand its difficult and he isnt my fault/failure. I still find myself trying help ease his anxiety (keeping the kids distracted, not voicing concerns/complaining, avoiding confrontation) ... While he's quick to turn to meds, I try really hard to cope without (breathing tech, hot showers, etc.) Tho I have some just incase I can't pull myself out of an anxiety attack. I'm terrified to keep them anywhere he can find them, he's stolen from me anytime I give him a chance. He begged me for trust and made me feel like I was hindering improvement, then hung himself with every inch I gave... So trust is not even on the table right now, I plan on cleaning out the med cabinet before he comes home, still will not give him our bank card or allow him to drive the car. Where he would scream I'm trying to punish him or having control issues I'm looking at it as preserving what we haven't lost due to his inability to control himself. I hope in time he will earn my trust back, it is just as difficult for me as it is for him but today it ain't happening!

I tell him every day, all day that I love him and miss him, can't wait for him to get back. Even with the fear and doubt I struggle with it is true. I approach sensitive subjects with optimism and hope if and when I even go there. I keep a lot to myself and in the last few days I've been fortunate enough to dump it on you guys. I understand this is difficult for him and I'm very grateful for the Dr.s and everyone who sponsors meetings at the hospital, they have given him a place to feel as comfortable as possible taking back his life without beer. Probably even more grateful that he chose to see this through in the first place. I'm so proud of him and while I don't want to make him feel like a child I tell him often.