New to this group, but not new to this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Overland Park, Kansas
Posts: 1
New to this group, but not new to this
Hello all, I think I am in the right spot, if not please let me know. My husband of 3 years is a "functioning" alcoholic, his uncle is a recovered alcoholic for 17yrs. My hubby had tried many many times in the past and sticks with it for about 2-3 weeks, but seems that 3 months is the longest he can go. His passion is beer and of course like everyone else denies everything, and then pretends a couple days later that I am making things up. I have gone to Alanon before and really got a lot out of it, but one thing is that it always seemed to make me dwell on the problem. I guess my best question for everyone is - what do you do when you believe that they have been drinking- they are not stublming down drunk, you have no proof, but your gut tells ya otherwise??
Only been married 3 years and have spent the majority of the 3 years wondering if I should even stick it out, I was brought up with the belief that you try to help those you love, but this is reallllly testing me. thanks to all!
Only been married 3 years and have spent the majority of the 3 years wondering if I should even stick it out, I was brought up with the belief that you try to help those you love, but this is reallllly testing me. thanks to all!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
May I ask you this question, why do you feel you need proof?
This is how this disease controls us, we start second guessing the situation, next we are assuming the worst when they are late coming home. We doubt every word that comes out of their mouth, we makes excuses, we sweep the unacceptable under the rug, and on and on.......
The best you can do is keep educating yourself about addiction and go about living your life. If he is an addict he has his own agenda.
This is how life is on the crazytrain.
Time to start putting yourself first, friend.
This is how this disease controls us, we start second guessing the situation, next we are assuming the worst when they are late coming home. We doubt every word that comes out of their mouth, we makes excuses, we sweep the unacceptable under the rug, and on and on.......
The best you can do is keep educating yourself about addiction and go about living your life. If he is an addict he has his own agenda.
This is how life is on the crazytrain.
Time to start putting yourself first, friend.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'd just like to welcome you. It's tough when the first three years of a marriage are so uncertain. Trust is just such a necessary component in relationship, and with no trust, there is always distance. Relationships do not often last long in that condition.
His alcoholism is permanent and it is progressive. I understand your desire to avoid Al-Anon because you feel your life might become all about alcoholism. (If I read your meaning correctly).
If he is an alcoholic, his disorder will unfortunately be a pivotal center of your marriage. In active alcoholism he will be untrustworthy and unpredictable, more so as time moves on, and just about every major life area will be negatively affected by it: whether or not to have children with an active alcoholic; if you do have children, how to protect the children from an active alcoholic; whether or not to tell your family and his family; how to handle the consequences of his drunken behavior in their presence whether you've told them or not; whether he can keep a job; whether or not to lie for him to the boss, the police, the ER, or anyone else impacted by his drinking. If he loses his job as a result of the drinking, whether or not to be sole support of you both. If you cannot be sole support, whether or not to go into foreclosure. And so it continues. This is life with the alcoholic spouse who is actively drinking. So, yes, alcohol does become the theme of the marriage. As it becomes so more and more, emotions are all over the place and the mind is in chaos. And Al-Anon meetings are a place to take that turmoil. Without help through Al-Anon or counseling, living with an alcoholic makes a person quite unstable and frankly very ill. Al-Anon is designed to, week by week, through a spiritual approach, gradually turn our focus from the alcoholic to our own deep inner selves. It is subtle and it works. And we make much better decisions as a result. We trust ourselves more, and we find ground under our feet again.
So I hope you'll find a meeting you like. If not, then a counselor you can see weekly. For living with an alcoholic will be too much for you in isolation, and you will lose who you are.
As to what to do when you think the alcoholic has been drinking but you have no physical proof? It is futile to confront an alcoholic who is drunk, and sometimes it is even dangerous. It is best to remove yourself if you can without confrontation. Find somewhere else to be. But do not confront, accuse, plead with, beg, try to find the alcohol, or make any threat you do not intend to carry out, such as threatening to leave him for good then changing your mind in the morning. Words and tears have no impact on a drunk. They listen to what we do, not what we say. Nothing keeps an alcoholic more comfortable than a partner who spends years talking at him but never changing a thing.
If you go back to Al-Anon and actually absorb the literature and the suggestions, you will learn what to do that works best for your welfare. You will find your own path with clarity. But it takes time. If he is not abusing you physically nor with extreme verbal violence, you can take the time you need.
Welcome to SR. And on the opening page of this forum are Sticky links to very valuable reading.
You will need much support and guidance. It is good you reached out. No matter what, you will be okay with support from people with experience.
His alcoholism is permanent and it is progressive. I understand your desire to avoid Al-Anon because you feel your life might become all about alcoholism. (If I read your meaning correctly).
If he is an alcoholic, his disorder will unfortunately be a pivotal center of your marriage. In active alcoholism he will be untrustworthy and unpredictable, more so as time moves on, and just about every major life area will be negatively affected by it: whether or not to have children with an active alcoholic; if you do have children, how to protect the children from an active alcoholic; whether or not to tell your family and his family; how to handle the consequences of his drunken behavior in their presence whether you've told them or not; whether he can keep a job; whether or not to lie for him to the boss, the police, the ER, or anyone else impacted by his drinking. If he loses his job as a result of the drinking, whether or not to be sole support of you both. If you cannot be sole support, whether or not to go into foreclosure. And so it continues. This is life with the alcoholic spouse who is actively drinking. So, yes, alcohol does become the theme of the marriage. As it becomes so more and more, emotions are all over the place and the mind is in chaos. And Al-Anon meetings are a place to take that turmoil. Without help through Al-Anon or counseling, living with an alcoholic makes a person quite unstable and frankly very ill. Al-Anon is designed to, week by week, through a spiritual approach, gradually turn our focus from the alcoholic to our own deep inner selves. It is subtle and it works. And we make much better decisions as a result. We trust ourselves more, and we find ground under our feet again.
So I hope you'll find a meeting you like. If not, then a counselor you can see weekly. For living with an alcoholic will be too much for you in isolation, and you will lose who you are.
As to what to do when you think the alcoholic has been drinking but you have no physical proof? It is futile to confront an alcoholic who is drunk, and sometimes it is even dangerous. It is best to remove yourself if you can without confrontation. Find somewhere else to be. But do not confront, accuse, plead with, beg, try to find the alcohol, or make any threat you do not intend to carry out, such as threatening to leave him for good then changing your mind in the morning. Words and tears have no impact on a drunk. They listen to what we do, not what we say. Nothing keeps an alcoholic more comfortable than a partner who spends years talking at him but never changing a thing.
If you go back to Al-Anon and actually absorb the literature and the suggestions, you will learn what to do that works best for your welfare. You will find your own path with clarity. But it takes time. If he is not abusing you physically nor with extreme verbal violence, you can take the time you need.
Welcome to SR. And on the opening page of this forum are Sticky links to very valuable reading.
You will need much support and guidance. It is good you reached out. No matter what, you will be okay with support from people with experience.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello H8MyLife and Welcome!
I think our gut instinct about whether or not a loved one has been drinking is pretty accurate most of the time. I'm sorry you are going through all of this!
For me, I think it would be a decision based on whether or not I could live with the drinking and the lying about it if I thought it would never change. It's that change part that is the heart of the matter. Some alcoholics do recover and lead healthy lives as parts of loving families--but there are not guarantees.
I hope you will stick around and read as many threads as you can as well as the 'stickies' at the top of each forum. Perhaps having some healthy boundaries in place about what is acceptable behavior around you would be a very good idea.
It's OK for us to take good care of ourselves, too!
I think our gut instinct about whether or not a loved one has been drinking is pretty accurate most of the time. I'm sorry you are going through all of this!
For me, I think it would be a decision based on whether or not I could live with the drinking and the lying about it if I thought it would never change. It's that change part that is the heart of the matter. Some alcoholics do recover and lead healthy lives as parts of loving families--but there are not guarantees.
I hope you will stick around and read as many threads as you can as well as the 'stickies' at the top of each forum. Perhaps having some healthy boundaries in place about what is acceptable behavior around you would be a very good idea.
It's OK for us to take good care of ourselves, too!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
When RAH relapsed I went through the same thing - is he or isn't he?
Is there a reason he keeps going in the bedroom all night, has his blood sugar dropped is that why he stumbled? he seems drunk kind of or am I crazy? he smells like booze and mouthwash kind of or is it just the mouthwash and I am imagining it?
One day I sniffed a bottle of scope for way too long trying to compare in my mind was it the same smell or not - does scope have the faint smell of vodka?? oh boy, that makes me laugh now.
End result: He was drinking, I wasn't crazy, he was trying to cover it with mouthwash, he was hiding it in the bedroom and his blood sugar was just fine he was stumbling because he was DRUNK.
On advice given on here I didn't look for bottles, I didn't try and 'prove" it - as they say more will be revealed and it was. He eventually admitted what I knew anyway. I am thankful for that advice as I didn't waste a bunch of time trying to find his stash and instead stayed on here and went to Al Anon to work on my issues.
Is there a reason he keeps going in the bedroom all night, has his blood sugar dropped is that why he stumbled? he seems drunk kind of or am I crazy? he smells like booze and mouthwash kind of or is it just the mouthwash and I am imagining it?
One day I sniffed a bottle of scope for way too long trying to compare in my mind was it the same smell or not - does scope have the faint smell of vodka?? oh boy, that makes me laugh now.
End result: He was drinking, I wasn't crazy, he was trying to cover it with mouthwash, he was hiding it in the bedroom and his blood sugar was just fine he was stumbling because he was DRUNK.
On advice given on here I didn't look for bottles, I didn't try and 'prove" it - as they say more will be revealed and it was. He eventually admitted what I knew anyway. I am thankful for that advice as I didn't waste a bunch of time trying to find his stash and instead stayed on here and went to Al Anon to work on my issues.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by H8MyLife 
Hello all, I think I am in the right spot, if not please let me know. My husband of 3 years is a "functioning" alcoholic, his uncle is a recovered alcoholic for 17yrs. My hubby had tried many many times in the past and sticks with it for about 2-3 weeks, but seems that 3 months is the longest he can go. His passion is beer and of course like everyone else denies everything, and then pretends a couple days later that I am making things up. I have gone to Alanon before and really got a lot out of it, but one thing is that it always seemed to make me dwell on the problem. I guess my best question for everyone is - what do you do when you believe that they have been drinking- they are not stublming down drunk, you have no proof, but your gut tells ya otherwise??
Only been married 3 years and have spent the majority of the 3 years wondering if I should even stick it out, I was brought up with the belief that you try to help those you love, but this is reallllly testing me. thanks to all!
Only been married 3 years and have spent the majority of the 3 years wondering if I should even stick it out, I was brought up with the belief that you try to help those you love, but this is reallllly testing me. thanks to all!
Listen, sometimes you best help people by NOT helping them. Sometimes by letting them learn to fly on their own, no matter how painful it is for you to step aside and let it happen, you are doing the best thing for them in the end.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 156
Welcome H8MyLife 
You are in the perfect place! I joined last month and I'm so thankful I did! Wonderful people here with great knowledge and advice. Read the stickys....it helped me.
We are here for you! Big hugs to you 😻
You are in the perfect place! I joined last month and I'm so thankful I did! Wonderful people here with great knowledge and advice. Read the stickys....it helped me.
We are here for you! Big hugs to you 😻
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