Newbie to the forum. But not to the misery of alcholic partner.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 4
Newbie to the forum. But not to the misery of alcholic partner.
(apologies if this is not the correct forum)
We all have our little stories to tell, here's mine.
I arrive home from work at 9pm after a 12 hour shift looking forward to the supposed sanctuary of home.
I open the front door to find my alcholic wife slumped on the floor crying covered in blood, a large glass of Gin beside her.
I asked whats happened over 20 times to be told 'nothing' before i give up. I look for the source of the bleeding and find a cut on the hand, nothing too serious, any normal person would have rinsed it under a tap and put a plaster on it but my darling appears to have smeared the blood all over herself so she appears to have been in a car crash, serious attention seeking behaviour.
My strategy in these situations is to get her to bed, and get her to sleep asap praying her hangover is so bad she wont drink tomorrow.
Thank god our daughter is with her grand parents.
This is the latest in a series of such situations over the last 8 years.
I am a pragmatic individual and would have left her years ago if it wasn't for our amazing 6 year old daughter.
So i am trapped.
I am 6 years into my 16 year plan and i'm not sure I can make it.
The plan is this, give my daughter the best, most loving and safest childhood that is possible until she is 16 years old. Get her set up in her own place, heading for university etc and then run for the hills.
I will be 51 then and will maybe have a chance at a better life.
I have told my wife of my plan but only when she is drunk so she cannot remember or is in denial or thinks I am joking.
I have struck her twice in 8 years under intense provocation, in my weaker moments I have hoped she would have a fatal accident so we could all escape.
This is not me and I fear she is turning me into a monster.
I've lost my career, i would call her from my work, hear that she was drunk and our baby crying in the background and it would destroy me on the spot. i had to leave my job.
To her credit she has tried hypnotherapy and we have been to the GP, neither could help.
Her father and brother have the same issues so I get this is an illness.
I would leave her with my daughter but she would not allow me custody of her and under the British legal system, as a father I wouldn't stand a chance. This would result in the nightmare scenario of my daughter living with her mother without me to take care of her and keep her safe when her mother is drunk.
Checkmate.... no way out...........
We all have our little stories to tell, here's mine.
I arrive home from work at 9pm after a 12 hour shift looking forward to the supposed sanctuary of home.
I open the front door to find my alcholic wife slumped on the floor crying covered in blood, a large glass of Gin beside her.
I asked whats happened over 20 times to be told 'nothing' before i give up. I look for the source of the bleeding and find a cut on the hand, nothing too serious, any normal person would have rinsed it under a tap and put a plaster on it but my darling appears to have smeared the blood all over herself so she appears to have been in a car crash, serious attention seeking behaviour.
My strategy in these situations is to get her to bed, and get her to sleep asap praying her hangover is so bad she wont drink tomorrow.
Thank god our daughter is with her grand parents.
This is the latest in a series of such situations over the last 8 years.
I am a pragmatic individual and would have left her years ago if it wasn't for our amazing 6 year old daughter.
So i am trapped.
I am 6 years into my 16 year plan and i'm not sure I can make it.
The plan is this, give my daughter the best, most loving and safest childhood that is possible until she is 16 years old. Get her set up in her own place, heading for university etc and then run for the hills.
I will be 51 then and will maybe have a chance at a better life.
I have told my wife of my plan but only when she is drunk so she cannot remember or is in denial or thinks I am joking.
I have struck her twice in 8 years under intense provocation, in my weaker moments I have hoped she would have a fatal accident so we could all escape.
This is not me and I fear she is turning me into a monster.
I've lost my career, i would call her from my work, hear that she was drunk and our baby crying in the background and it would destroy me on the spot. i had to leave my job.
To her credit she has tried hypnotherapy and we have been to the GP, neither could help.
Her father and brother have the same issues so I get this is an illness.
I would leave her with my daughter but she would not allow me custody of her and under the British legal system, as a father I wouldn't stand a chance. This would result in the nightmare scenario of my daughter living with her mother without me to take care of her and keep her safe when her mother is drunk.
Checkmate.... no way out...........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi NobleStone 
Newcomers is not the 'wrong' forum, but I thought you'd get more direct support from people who know the kind of situation you're in here.
Welcome to SR
D
Newcomers is not the 'wrong' forum, but I thought you'd get more direct support from people who know the kind of situation you're in here.
Welcome to SR
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Bethany, Ok
Posts: 42
I can understand the concern for your daughter, however, I grew up with an alcholoic mother and she isn't going to have a "normal" life. Now I am getting out of a situation with an alcholic ex husband and I am almost 63 starting again, only alone and happy this time. It is your life, but I would take my daughter and run, that would be the life to give her. Best of luck you will be in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
I would have thought you had a pretty good chance of getting custody given AW's behaviour. I live and attend Alanon in the UK and there are a couple of dads who attend due to an AW and they have custody of the kids. I don't think its good to have a child grow up with alcoholism. I was at a meeting today and was sad to hear a very very young girl share about how her parent drinking has affected her. I think if your wife works the AA program and you work Al-anon that would be a step in the right direction. You are in the right place. Keep posting . You are not alone.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Next time you find her in a position like that. Dont do anything. Take a picture without her knowledge and
Leave her bloody and on the floor. What you are doing may sound helpful to
A reasonable person but she is not reasonable.
Allow her to wake the next day in her own mess. Everytime you "save" her you wipe the slate clean she does not see her actions.
Continue keeping documents for the protection of yourself and daughter
Leave her bloody and on the floor. What you are doing may sound helpful to
A reasonable person but she is not reasonable.
Allow her to wake the next day in her own mess. Everytime you "save" her you wipe the slate clean she does not see her actions.
Continue keeping documents for the protection of yourself and daughter
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Welcome to SR, and I'm sorry that you are currently living in such a chaotic situation and are just waiting for years to pass til you can leave, instead of actually living your life.
Have you thought about documenting how your wife acts and then talking to a lawyer about any options? It doesn't seem like your wife is functional from this post, maybe you have more options then you think.
Keep reading and posting around here. There is alot of support, and this is a safe place to vent.
Have you thought about documenting how your wife acts and then talking to a lawyer about any options? It doesn't seem like your wife is functional from this post, maybe you have more options then you think.
Keep reading and posting around here. There is alot of support, and this is a safe place to vent.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 186
It pains me to hear you are staying with an alcoholic for the benefit of the child.
I dont live in the UK so i wouldnt know if active addict mothers are favored over healthy dad.
Personally i would not pick her up anymore. Let her wake in her own filth. If i found her covered in blood stinking drunk i would call for an ambulence... let them deal with her. Might help if you ever went to court.
Fight like the dickens for your daughter. She deserves better now... not when she is 16.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
I dont live in the UK so i wouldnt know if active addict mothers are favored over healthy dad.
Personally i would not pick her up anymore. Let her wake in her own filth. If i found her covered in blood stinking drunk i would call for an ambulence... let them deal with her. Might help if you ever went to court.
Fight like the dickens for your daughter. She deserves better now... not when she is 16.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
I am also staying with my AW for my 12 year old son so I feel your pain.He was born into this mess and he loves his mom.I wouldn't think of taking his mom from him but she wouldn't think twice about taking him from me.So I watch over her like a child,,not much of a life for me but he has his mom and dad.My plan is to head for the hills when he turns 18 so we have similar stories.Keep reading I've learned alot of coping strategies in this fourm.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
As an adult child of an alcoholic mother and a severely co-dependent father, I can attest that staying in the home for the sake of giving a child two parents cannot guarantee you are protecting them. In my home I learned that I was not worthy of being loved, nor did I deserve to be treated respectfully. I learned that the most important thing was to preserve the facade at all costs. I learned that what I wanted and needed was secondary to alcohol.
Those lessons did not leave external, easy to recognize scars. I lived I denial of it all until my life and first marriage exploded at the age of 32. Only after getting into intense personal psychotherapy did I begin to unravel all those lessons...how they had affected all of my relationships, how the end result was that because my mother, who was supposed to be the only person who would love me unconditionally, could not love me in the way I needed, I did not love myself.
Five years of that therapy helped me to the other side of my childhood. I am not saying that staying with your wife will hurt your daughter like m father staying with my mother hurt me, but I wish someone had shared with my father their story. Not sure it would have changed his choices, but...well, you never know.
Those lessons did not leave external, easy to recognize scars. I lived I denial of it all until my life and first marriage exploded at the age of 32. Only after getting into intense personal psychotherapy did I begin to unravel all those lessons...how they had affected all of my relationships, how the end result was that because my mother, who was supposed to be the only person who would love me unconditionally, could not love me in the way I needed, I did not love myself.
Five years of that therapy helped me to the other side of my childhood. I am not saying that staying with your wife will hurt your daughter like m father staying with my mother hurt me, but I wish someone had shared with my father their story. Not sure it would have changed his choices, but...well, you never know.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm so sorry for your situation. Everyone here knows the damage alcoholics do to their children. I think you know, too, don't you, that you will not be able to protect your daughter from the inevitable crisis and trauma to come.
If you consult with a solicitor (or two) and after thoroughly investigating your legal options for divorce with supervised visitations and still believe you will not find support in the legal system for full custody, then as long as you live in the same house with your wife, and as long as your daughter remains exposed to a severely mentally disturbed, erratic, and dangerous alcoholic mother, then please do at least get you and your child into family counseling. Your child is not too young to see a counselor. My son was 7 when I got help for him after we lived with an alcoholic.
It is much more terrible for a child to witness chaos and to experience the mood swings of a drunk parent and to feel the dread of what may happen next in the alcoholic family if the child does not know he or she lives in an alcoholic family.
My view is that children who are lied to by the sober parent, the not-drunk-and-should-be-trusted parent, lose all faith and trust in people and they carry this awful emptiness into their adult life.
So please, if you decide to stay come hell or high water, then get your child into counseling as soon as possible. She will be at tremendous risk of chronic anxiety, depression, rock bottom self-worth, and even physical danger, living with an alcoholic mother. But counseling can at least throw her a life rope.
If you consult with a solicitor (or two) and after thoroughly investigating your legal options for divorce with supervised visitations and still believe you will not find support in the legal system for full custody, then as long as you live in the same house with your wife, and as long as your daughter remains exposed to a severely mentally disturbed, erratic, and dangerous alcoholic mother, then please do at least get you and your child into family counseling. Your child is not too young to see a counselor. My son was 7 when I got help for him after we lived with an alcoholic.
It is much more terrible for a child to witness chaos and to experience the mood swings of a drunk parent and to feel the dread of what may happen next in the alcoholic family if the child does not know he or she lives in an alcoholic family.
My view is that children who are lied to by the sober parent, the not-drunk-and-should-be-trusted parent, lose all faith and trust in people and they carry this awful emptiness into their adult life.
So please, if you decide to stay come hell or high water, then get your child into counseling as soon as possible. She will be at tremendous risk of chronic anxiety, depression, rock bottom self-worth, and even physical danger, living with an alcoholic mother. But counseling can at least throw her a life rope.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
My language "severely mentally disturbed" may be too strong to describe your AW. On re-reading my previous post, I realize I should add that alcoholism progresses in stages and the level of mental disturbance depends on the progression. (Unless there is a co-occurring personality disorder which hard-wires mental disturbance independent of addiction). My AH functioned very well throughout the day but in the evening we could not predict if he would be Jekyll or Hyde, and the Hyde was definitely "severely mentally disturbed." Your wife may not be so far progressed. I should not make that assumption and apologize if my phrase was too strong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
My language "severely mentally disturbed" may be too strong to describe your AW. On re-reading my previous post, I realize I should add that alcoholism progresses in stages and the level of mental disturbance depends on the progression. (Unless there is a co-occurring personality disorder which hard-wires mental disturbance independent of addiction). My AH functioned very well throughout the day but in the evening we could not predict if he would be Jekyll or Hyde, and the Hyde was definitely "severely mentally disturbed." Your wife may not be so far progressed. I should not make that assumption and apologize if my phrase was too strong.
Thanks for your advice everyone.
I will keep a diary backed up by photos from now on..... just in case.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello NobleStone, Welcome!
I'm sorry for what brings you here, it sounds as though you and your daughter have been living through a lot. I'm sorry your wife has continued to make such horrible choices.
If you have any questions about the long-term effects that growing up in a home with active addiction or alcoholism has on a child, I hope you will read through our 'Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics' forum.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Come here anytime you need to vent or ask questions....you are not alone in this struggle. Welcome, again! HG
I'm sorry for what brings you here, it sounds as though you and your daughter have been living through a lot. I'm sorry your wife has continued to make such horrible choices.
If you have any questions about the long-term effects that growing up in a home with active addiction or alcoholism has on a child, I hope you will read through our 'Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics' forum.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Come here anytime you need to vent or ask questions....you are not alone in this struggle. Welcome, again! HG
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by Michael59
I am also staying with my AW for my 12 year old son so I feel your pain.He was born into this mess and he loves his mom.I wouldn't think of taking his mom from him but she wouldn't think twice about taking him from me.So I watch over her like a child,,not much of a life for me but he has his mom and dad.My plan is to head for the hills when he turns 18 so we have similar stories.Keep reading I've learned alot of coping strategies in this fourm.
And I remember thinking that it was not normal for mothers to have to constantly protect their children from their father's addictions and abusive behaviour. It was not normal for us to feel afraid in our home. It was not normal for us to feel great when we woke up on the weekend while Daddy slept until midday (hung-over of course) and then when we heard him get up and flush the toilet, feel afraid.
Living in fear in your own home is NOT NORMAL.
What can you do to find some sort of normal for you and your child?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Noblestone..... you have come to right right place for support. I have been active in talking here and also been lurking for a long time. Just reading others stories and advice has helped me to cope with this terrible disease.
Just remember, YOUR life is worth being happy as well as your child's. IMHO I can't see myself wasting 16 years of my life being unhappy...... there HAS TO BE other ways to tackle the problem. Kids know when something isn't right and your child will sense it.....
Keep reading and make sure to document everything concerning you wife's drinking and behavior..
Take care
Just remember, YOUR life is worth being happy as well as your child's. IMHO I can't see myself wasting 16 years of my life being unhappy...... there HAS TO BE other ways to tackle the problem. Kids know when something isn't right and your child will sense it.....
Keep reading and make sure to document everything concerning you wife's drinking and behavior..
Take care
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