So frustrated-why can't I just do it?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
So frustrated-why can't I just do it?
I am SO close to breaking up with my boyfriend and disengaging from him and his addiction completely. I feel like I get so close, like I'm right on the edge, but I just can't take the leap and actually do it. I'm wondering when I will. It's like I'm wrestling with myself over it and it drives me crazy. I wish I could just do it. How can I feel that way but still not be able to just do it?
I'm finally getting tired of it all, and I guess I'm only just now getting to the point where I'm realizing that it's really up to be at this point to remove myself because he's not changing right now. He's not as bad as he was, but he's been snorting oxy (claiming it's not as bad as shooting heroin...but this is what he did before he got into heroin, so won't it just lead right back to that?). He also told me he's not going to his meetings anymore (I don't know if this will happen or not, I hope his sponsor knocks some sense into him, but I don't know). His goal for the year is to stay alive. I didn't even know what to say to that. I can't deal with this anymore.
I've been talking to someone else and she said I should really disengage from all of this and cut off all contact. If he wants to be in our child's life, he will do what he has to do to earn that right (meaning getting clean, submitting to drug tests, etc.). She said I should take him to court and certify paternity and demand child support. Then if he wants to see his child he will have to go to court and jump through all their hoops and do what they say. But in talking with some people here many months ago, I remember being told that he will likely still get supervised visitation. I didn't really want to get the court involved like that. I have no experience with this sort of things. To be honest, the idea of no contact makes me feel sick and really uncomfortable, sort of like panicky.
I don't know why I'm posting this. Nobody can make my decisions for me. I guess I just need encouragement, I don't know. Thanks for reading, regardless.
I'm finally getting tired of it all, and I guess I'm only just now getting to the point where I'm realizing that it's really up to be at this point to remove myself because he's not changing right now. He's not as bad as he was, but he's been snorting oxy (claiming it's not as bad as shooting heroin...but this is what he did before he got into heroin, so won't it just lead right back to that?). He also told me he's not going to his meetings anymore (I don't know if this will happen or not, I hope his sponsor knocks some sense into him, but I don't know). His goal for the year is to stay alive. I didn't even know what to say to that. I can't deal with this anymore.
I've been talking to someone else and she said I should really disengage from all of this and cut off all contact. If he wants to be in our child's life, he will do what he has to do to earn that right (meaning getting clean, submitting to drug tests, etc.). She said I should take him to court and certify paternity and demand child support. Then if he wants to see his child he will have to go to court and jump through all their hoops and do what they say. But in talking with some people here many months ago, I remember being told that he will likely still get supervised visitation. I didn't really want to get the court involved like that. I have no experience with this sort of things. To be honest, the idea of no contact makes me feel sick and really uncomfortable, sort of like panicky.
I don't know why I'm posting this. Nobody can make my decisions for me. I guess I just need encouragement, I don't know. Thanks for reading, regardless.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Kyles, I am sorry he is still choosing to use the decison about taking him to court etc... is yours I would talk to my parents and get their thoughts once you get to the point that you break-up with him(I am assuming they don't know he is still using?)
I wish I could just do it. How can I feel that way but still not be able to just do it?
Most all of us were in that spot and for those that did get out of it the pain of going through it finally got worse than the pain of staying in it.
I wish the best for you and your daughter.
No matter the decisions you make we will be here.
I wish I could just do it. How can I feel that way but still not be able to just do it?
Most all of us were in that spot and for those that did get out of it the pain of going through it finally got worse than the pain of staying in it.
I wish the best for you and your daughter.
No matter the decisions you make we will be here.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
No, my parents don't know. He's seemed perfectly fine when he's been around me, our daughter, and my family. That doesn't mean he doesn't have stuff in his system. For a while I let myself believe that, but I know it's not true. I don't think he's doing it all the time at this point. He said he's only done it when he's alone/when he knows he won't be around us. At this point, that seems to be the truth. Anyway, if I told my parents they'd have already made this decision for me a while ago. I just convinced them to let him spend the night on New Year's Eve. Haha, this is why I can't cut off contact yet...one second everything is great and I love him so much, the next I'm so fed up with everything.
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Location: Alabama
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I understand what your saying Kyles, I thought I remembered you had said before your parents didn't know it is hard to cut them off you can do it but not until your ready.
How is your daughter? has she grown much I bet she is growing like a weed in a flower bed.
How is your daughter? has she grown much I bet she is growing like a weed in a flower bed.
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Originally Posted by crazybabie 
I understand what your saying Kyles, I thought I remembered you had said before your parents didn't know it is hard to cut them off you can do it but not until your ready.
How is your daughter? has she grown much I bet she is growing like a weed in a flower bed.
How is your daughter? has she grown much I bet she is growing like a weed in a flower bed.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Hi Kyles, I can't do it right now either. Well today is day 1 again. I am lucky beacuse his phone ran out of minutes and he doesnt know how to add them. LOL It's easier for me not to make the first attempt then to ignore him. I just think it will eventually hit us to say enough is enough. I already see myself handling things a lot different then in the beginning. I don't cry anymore. I still feel the hurt but it is making me stronger not dragging me back. We will get their one day if they don't change. Im not expecting mine to. He has said as much. I am a happy person. I see him on my terms so I have nobody to blame but myself when things go sour. Good luck to you, You will just know when you are readt and nobody but you can tell you any differently.
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Originally Posted by Sungrl
Hi Kyles, I can't do it right now either. Well today is day 1 again. I am lucky beacuse his phone ran out of minutes and he doesnt know how to add them. LOL It's easier for me not to make the first attempt then to ignore him. I just think it will eventually hit us to say enough is enough. I already see myself handling things a lot different then in the beginning. I don't cry anymore. I still feel the hurt but it is making me stronger not dragging me back. We will get their one day if they don't change. Im not expecting mine to. He has said as much. I am a happy person. I see him on my terms so I have nobody to blame but myself when things go sour. Good luck to you, You will just know when you are readt and nobody but you can tell you any differently.
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Location: Alabama
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That is a hard question Kyles, a few things to ponder if he is doing drugs and you let him keep seeing her if his use gets worse he will think he can still see her? Can you be sure he is not high when he sees her? just something to think about.
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No, I can't guarantee he's not high. He's very good at hiding it and he's also smart enough to know that he really can't show up obviously high. He was using heroin very heavily and was high most of the time, but was able to trick many people....
Edit: I can usually tel if he's got something in his system, even if he doesn't appear to be very high. I think for a while it got hard because I didn't remember what he was like when he wasn't high. I think I have a pretty good idea, but I can't guarantee.
Edit: I can usually tel if he's got something in his system, even if he doesn't appear to be very high. I think for a while it got hard because I didn't remember what he was like when he wasn't high. I think I have a pretty good idea, but I can't guarantee.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Hi Kyles,
I have been there too! Im there but in or on a different level of the "no contact" piece. For me when I struggled with leaving it took time and many alanon meetings and millions of the serenity prayer! I even left a couple times and went back! Finally I had the courage to change what I could! And for me that was to leave and provide a healthy stable enivornment for our sons and I. It got worse and worse and I struggled and struggled inside myself and finally one day he got a little physical ( shoving & pushing) and that was it! My bottom, my enough was enough my "reason" to do what I knew I needed to but could not! It was not easy and I was angry and broken and hurt beyond belief. I held onto that anger for 4 years, feeding it and having pity parties! By the grace of God I let it go a few years ago! How freeing that was for me!
As for the using, well my experience is that using is using. One worse or better than the other is a crock of crap in my opinion! If an addict uses anything he is feeding his addiction peroid! And if they are active in their addiction it will get worse! Real genuine recovery looks and acts totally different than active addiction. There is ammends, meetings, actions of responsibility and accountablity. Those who are working a recovery program don't excuse their doc (drug of choice). Someone who wants to live a healthy life and lifestyle is not questioned or doubted about if they are or not cause you know they are by their actions and words!
You will get to where your suppose to be and you are where your suppose to be! Its one step at a time! Meetings are a major component to me getting where I am today! Vital! Key! Be patient with yourself and take care of you and your precious new born! Your desire to be a good mother will giude you in the right direction too! You will figure it out sweetie! Keep it simple and you don't have to make a decision this very second unless you are in grave danger or your daughter is. Keep praying and get to as many meetings as you can! My suggestions of course, worked and works for me!
Gods blessings and guidance and courgae wisdom and strength!
I have been there too! Im there but in or on a different level of the "no contact" piece. For me when I struggled with leaving it took time and many alanon meetings and millions of the serenity prayer! I even left a couple times and went back! Finally I had the courage to change what I could! And for me that was to leave and provide a healthy stable enivornment for our sons and I. It got worse and worse and I struggled and struggled inside myself and finally one day he got a little physical ( shoving & pushing) and that was it! My bottom, my enough was enough my "reason" to do what I knew I needed to but could not! It was not easy and I was angry and broken and hurt beyond belief. I held onto that anger for 4 years, feeding it and having pity parties! By the grace of God I let it go a few years ago! How freeing that was for me!
As for the using, well my experience is that using is using. One worse or better than the other is a crock of crap in my opinion! If an addict uses anything he is feeding his addiction peroid! And if they are active in their addiction it will get worse! Real genuine recovery looks and acts totally different than active addiction. There is ammends, meetings, actions of responsibility and accountablity. Those who are working a recovery program don't excuse their doc (drug of choice). Someone who wants to live a healthy life and lifestyle is not questioned or doubted about if they are or not cause you know they are by their actions and words!
You will get to where your suppose to be and you are where your suppose to be! Its one step at a time! Meetings are a major component to me getting where I am today! Vital! Key! Be patient with yourself and take care of you and your precious new born! Your desire to be a good mother will giude you in the right direction too! You will figure it out sweetie! Keep it simple and you don't have to make a decision this very second unless you are in grave danger or your daughter is. Keep praying and get to as many meetings as you can! My suggestions of course, worked and works for me!
Gods blessings and guidance and courgae wisdom and strength!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I don't have the answer, however, are you really being fair to your parents by not being honest with them?
Your parents are supporting you and your daughter in every way. How would you feel if your daughter lied to you, by ommission? How do you feel when you abf lies to you by ommission or commission, do you like that? Does it encourage you to trust him?
It appears to me that you are playing both ends against the middle, IMO your parents deserve to know the truth, out of respect, what you are doing will catch up with you, the truth will come out, it always does, and whatever trust they have in you today will be compromised, and rightfully so.
Totally your decision, I hope that you make the right one... for everyone involved.
Your parents are supporting you and your daughter in every way. How would you feel if your daughter lied to you, by ommission? How do you feel when you abf lies to you by ommission or commission, do you like that? Does it encourage you to trust him?
It appears to me that you are playing both ends against the middle, IMO your parents deserve to know the truth, out of respect, what you are doing will catch up with you, the truth will come out, it always does, and whatever trust they have in you today will be compromised, and rightfully so.
Totally your decision, I hope that you make the right one... for everyone involved.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'll tell you what kept me stuck...fear.
Fear of being alone, of never being good enough for anyone.
Fear of being on my own without a man.
Fear that he'd find someone else and magically "get better."
Fear that I didn't deserve better.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear was one of my biggest character defects I had to/still have to work on in my own recovery.
Sending you hugs of support, and give that baby an extra kiss for me, dear!
Fear of being alone, of never being good enough for anyone.
Fear of being on my own without a man.
Fear that he'd find someone else and magically "get better."
Fear that I didn't deserve better.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear was one of my biggest character defects I had to/still have to work on in my own recovery.
Sending you hugs of support, and give that baby an extra kiss for me, dear!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Kyles,
One of the first things we learn in recovery is how important honesty is. It's not easy, but it's the real first step. You need to be honest with yourself, and with everyone in your life.
By inviting your bf into your parents' house, without sharing what's going on, you are lying to them...by your actions. How would you feel if he stole a piece of your mother's jewelry, or a $20 out of your father's wallet, or silver from the silverware drawer while he was in their house. How will you feel when they find out that he's been using - and you knew- but continued to invite him into their home?
While you have the right to decide when you've "had enough" and want to end the relationship, you don't have the right to invite an addict into someone else's life, which is what you are doing.
I don't mean to be harsh- but you need to take a very hard look at what you are doing. While you are not yet 18, by choosing to have a child, you have made a decision to become an adult. Your parents have stood by you in this, are supporting you, encouraging you in your education, and easing your path. If you are accepting their support, they deserve your honesty.
One of the first things we learn in recovery is how important honesty is. It's not easy, but it's the real first step. You need to be honest with yourself, and with everyone in your life.
By inviting your bf into your parents' house, without sharing what's going on, you are lying to them...by your actions. How would you feel if he stole a piece of your mother's jewelry, or a $20 out of your father's wallet, or silver from the silverware drawer while he was in their house. How will you feel when they find out that he's been using - and you knew- but continued to invite him into their home?
While you have the right to decide when you've "had enough" and want to end the relationship, you don't have the right to invite an addict into someone else's life, which is what you are doing.
I don't mean to be harsh- but you need to take a very hard look at what you are doing. While you are not yet 18, by choosing to have a child, you have made a decision to become an adult. Your parents have stood by you in this, are supporting you, encouraging you in your education, and easing your path. If you are accepting their support, they deserve your honesty.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by dollydo
I don't have the answer, however, are you really being fair to your parents by not being honest with them?
Your parents are supporting you and your daughter in every way. How would you feel if your daughter lied to you, by ommission? How do you feel when you abf lies to you by ommission or commission, do you like that? Does it encourage you to trust him?
It appears to me that you are playing both ends against the middle, IMO your parents deserve to know the truth, out of respect, what you are doing will catch up with you, the truth will come out, it always does, and whatever trust they have in you today will be compromised, and rightfully so.
Totally your decision, I hope that you make the right one... for everyone involved.
Your parents are supporting you and your daughter in every way. How would you feel if your daughter lied to you, by ommission? How do you feel when you abf lies to you by ommission or commission, do you like that? Does it encourage you to trust him?
It appears to me that you are playing both ends against the middle, IMO your parents deserve to know the truth, out of respect, what you are doing will catch up with you, the truth will come out, it always does, and whatever trust they have in you today will be compromised, and rightfully so.
Totally your decision, I hope that you make the right one... for everyone involved.
It's not like I feel completely fine doing that, but I'm scared to tell them the truth. I'm scared with how upset they'll be with me. I'm scared because I know they won't let him be around us.
I don't think they have any trust in me now anyway. They used to trust me 100%, but after all of this has happened, I know they don't trust me at all.
Originally Posted by SundaysChild
Kyles,
One of the first things we learn in recovery is how important honesty is. It's not easy, but it's the real first step. You need to be honest with yourself, and with everyone in your life.
By inviting your bf into your parents' house, without sharing what's going on, you are lying to them...by your actions. How would you feel if he stole a piece of your mother's jewelry, or a $20 out of your father's wallet, or silver from the silverware drawer while he was in their house. How will you feel when they find out that he's been using - and you knew- but continued to invite him into their home?
While you have the right to decide when you've "had enough" and want to end the relationship, you don't have the right to invite an addict into someone else's life, which is what you are doing.
I don't mean to be harsh- but you need to take a very hard look at what you are doing. While you are not yet 18, by choosing to have a child, you have made a decision to become an adult. Your parents have stood by you in this, are supporting you, encouraging you in your education, and easing your path. If you are accepting their support, they deserve your honesty.
One of the first things we learn in recovery is how important honesty is. It's not easy, but it's the real first step. You need to be honest with yourself, and with everyone in your life.
By inviting your bf into your parents' house, without sharing what's going on, you are lying to them...by your actions. How would you feel if he stole a piece of your mother's jewelry, or a $20 out of your father's wallet, or silver from the silverware drawer while he was in their house. How will you feel when they find out that he's been using - and you knew- but continued to invite him into their home?
While you have the right to decide when you've "had enough" and want to end the relationship, you don't have the right to invite an addict into someone else's life, which is what you are doing.
I don't mean to be harsh- but you need to take a very hard look at what you are doing. While you are not yet 18, by choosing to have a child, you have made a decision to become an adult. Your parents have stood by you in this, are supporting you, encouraging you in your education, and easing your path. If you are accepting their support, they deserve your honesty.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
When I was 18 years old I was dating a guy who was really into drugs and wasn't willing to quit. I loved him so much but I hated the drugs. I hated his druggie friends. I hated the dangerous lifestyle he was choosing. I had a dream and I wanted to live it out with him. And it didn't include chasing drugs. I remember saying "choose! it's me or the drugs". He had the nerve to laugh at me and tell me to "grow up". At that point I had to do a serious self-assessment.... was THIS what I wanted for the REST OF MY LIFE? No. I didn't. The fact was that while I grew up, he didn't. I had to put on my big girl panties and follow my brain, not my heart. I had to put my well being and my future first. At that point in my life, I realized that the right choices weren't always the easy choices. In fact, doing the right thing is hard.
So glad I did.
The strength to do the right thing comes from within you. You have to dig to find it. It's not easy. But after you do it, you grow. You become a better person.
I wish that for you. There's more in life for you and for your little girl but you have to be brave enough to reach out for it. Fear is normal. It's a primal reaction to a scary situation. It means RUN.
So glad I did.
The strength to do the right thing comes from within you. You have to dig to find it. It's not easy. But after you do it, you grow. You become a better person.
I wish that for you. There's more in life for you and for your little girl but you have to be brave enough to reach out for it. Fear is normal. It's a primal reaction to a scary situation. It means RUN.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
When you had that child your entire life changed, you are now responsibile for another person, with that comes a process that must be addressed.... maturing, you are no long just a high school kid, you are a mother too.
Ask yourself these questions, who provides for you, puts a roof over your head, food on the table, gas in the car, pays for diapers and so on...I would not imagine it is not you or your abf.
If they stop doing these things for you,are you prepared to take care of yourself, your baby and most likely abf?
In my mind, you are VERY lucky to have parents that pamper and support you, many do not.
You are living in their house, it is their rules that must be abided to, if you don't like them, gather your things and move out, you can then play house with your ABF and get a taste of what life is really about. Working, taking care of a child on your own, cooking, cleaning, paying bills and all the other fun things we adults have to do.
Lying is what people in the throws of addiction do, it is counter productive and shows a lack of respect. Your parents deserve respect, they deserve the truth, lying is a very childish,selfish
behavior trait.
Might be time for you to start maturing, the first step would be to tell your parents the truth, the whole truth, and face the music. Your ABF has nothing to offer you or your child, your parents have the maturity to identify that, you are in the throws of puppy love, you do not.
Just my two cents, take what you want and leave the rest.
Ask yourself these questions, who provides for you, puts a roof over your head, food on the table, gas in the car, pays for diapers and so on...I would not imagine it is not you or your abf.
If they stop doing these things for you,are you prepared to take care of yourself, your baby and most likely abf?
In my mind, you are VERY lucky to have parents that pamper and support you, many do not.
You are living in their house, it is their rules that must be abided to, if you don't like them, gather your things and move out, you can then play house with your ABF and get a taste of what life is really about. Working, taking care of a child on your own, cooking, cleaning, paying bills and all the other fun things we adults have to do.
Lying is what people in the throws of addiction do, it is counter productive and shows a lack of respect. Your parents deserve respect, they deserve the truth, lying is a very childish,selfish
behavior trait.
Might be time for you to start maturing, the first step would be to tell your parents the truth, the whole truth, and face the music. Your ABF has nothing to offer you or your child, your parents have the maturity to identify that, you are in the throws of puppy love, you do not.
Just my two cents, take what you want and leave the rest.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Kyles...
When we care about someone, even if they've hurt us badly, it's sometimes difficult to imagine any sort of life without them. And it doesn't matter what we know to be true about that person; our hearts are still entangled with them.
What I will say is if you're really, really done with him, you're not doing him any favors by hanging on to a relationship that's at an end.
Best,
ZoSo
When we care about someone, even if they've hurt us badly, it's sometimes difficult to imagine any sort of life without them. And it doesn't matter what we know to be true about that person; our hearts are still entangled with them.
What I will say is if you're really, really done with him, you're not doing him any favors by hanging on to a relationship that's at an end.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Courage
Kyles,
I so admire your honesty with us. And I am sorry you are hurting and feel stuck. There is so much wisdom here for you, I don't know that I have any more to add. I will say that if you were my daughter, and you sure could be, I would be very disappointed to learn that you had been lying to me about your BF, and even if I got a little mad/hurt, I would still love you as a parent loves a child, and I would not withdraw my support and hope for a happy future for both my daughter and granddaughter.
You are so young and yet have so much responsibility now. I can see you feeling "in-between" as both child/parent, daughter of loving parents/girlfriend to ABF. You are going to have to make the next move, and you know in your heart what it needs to be. I know you must be overwhelmed by all you have going on, but I still think going to NarAnon meetings is essential to your health, and so is reading CoDependent No More. It will help you with your BF and also with your relationship with your parents. Deception just hurts you more over time. Have you felt that fierce mama-tiger love & protection for your baby yet? What would you do for her if she was in trouble? Act on her behalf.
I am reading a book right now for a writing class, The Courage to Create by Rollo May, and just a moment ago, before I picked up my laptop, I read: "...courage is not the absence of despair; it is, rather, the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair."
Summon your courage and act according to your highest self. You can do it. We are here for you. Big big hug.
I so admire your honesty with us. And I am sorry you are hurting and feel stuck. There is so much wisdom here for you, I don't know that I have any more to add. I will say that if you were my daughter, and you sure could be, I would be very disappointed to learn that you had been lying to me about your BF, and even if I got a little mad/hurt, I would still love you as a parent loves a child, and I would not withdraw my support and hope for a happy future for both my daughter and granddaughter.
You are so young and yet have so much responsibility now. I can see you feeling "in-between" as both child/parent, daughter of loving parents/girlfriend to ABF. You are going to have to make the next move, and you know in your heart what it needs to be. I know you must be overwhelmed by all you have going on, but I still think going to NarAnon meetings is essential to your health, and so is reading CoDependent No More. It will help you with your BF and also with your relationship with your parents. Deception just hurts you more over time. Have you felt that fierce mama-tiger love & protection for your baby yet? What would you do for her if she was in trouble? Act on her behalf.
I am reading a book right now for a writing class, The Courage to Create by Rollo May, and just a moment ago, before I picked up my laptop, I read: "...courage is not the absence of despair; it is, rather, the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair."
Summon your courage and act according to your highest self. You can do it. We are here for you. Big big hug.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi Kyles,
I think the answers to these questions will come to you in time. Right now what I think is most important is that you and your daughter are safe, and in a calm environment.
Probably you feel like your in a rainstorm of emotions right now.
But the rain will pass, and you will find your way out.
Have you thought about maybe talking with a therapist? I mention this because it might help with the whole scope of issues. Being a new mom at a young age, defining balance and boundaries with your parents, balancing college that isnt long off, and helping to define the relationship with your boyfriend. He is always going to have a connection with you because he is your daughters father, so regardless of what happens with your personal romantic relationship; together you need to find a relationship as mom and dad.
Wishing you a good weekend.
I think the answers to these questions will come to you in time. Right now what I think is most important is that you and your daughter are safe, and in a calm environment.
Probably you feel like your in a rainstorm of emotions right now.
But the rain will pass, and you will find your way out.
Have you thought about maybe talking with a therapist? I mention this because it might help with the whole scope of issues. Being a new mom at a young age, defining balance and boundaries with your parents, balancing college that isnt long off, and helping to define the relationship with your boyfriend. He is always going to have a connection with you because he is your daughters father, so regardless of what happens with your personal romantic relationship; together you need to find a relationship as mom and dad.
Wishing you a good weekend.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 83
My 23 year old son has an 18 month daughter. He shares custody with the mom, 50/50.
Unknown to any of us, he was actively using when she was conceived, when she was born, and for the first year of her life. As you say, it never appeared to any of us that he was high, or we would have done something about it. It wasn't until near her first birthday that it became apparent to us that he was drugging, he admitted it, and he went to 3 week IP rehab. When he got out, he had about 3 months clean. During those 3 months, he said that was the first time he REALLY felt like her Daddy. When he was using, it wasn't the real him.
Sadly, he since then relapsed and spent another 3 weeks IP. Just last week he transferred to SLE, where he will spend the next 6-12 months. he misses his daughter terribly, but now having experienced being Daddy as both a heroin user and while clean, he readily admits he must stay clean to be a good Daddy to her. If he can't, he knows he should stay out of her life. She is young enough now that she won't remember him if he chooses heroin over her. He knows that's a consequence he will have to face if he doesn't work his recovery every day for the rest of his life. An addict Daddy is too selfish to be a good Daddy. He is better off disappearing.
Your daughter relies on you 100% for safety and protection and a full, happy life. I feel so strongly about this that I told my son if he chooses drugs over his daughter, I will support my granddaughter's mommy in keeping Daddy (my own son) out of baby's life. I choose my granddaughter over him if he chooses drugs.
Just my opinion.
Unknown to any of us, he was actively using when she was conceived, when she was born, and for the first year of her life. As you say, it never appeared to any of us that he was high, or we would have done something about it. It wasn't until near her first birthday that it became apparent to us that he was drugging, he admitted it, and he went to 3 week IP rehab. When he got out, he had about 3 months clean. During those 3 months, he said that was the first time he REALLY felt like her Daddy. When he was using, it wasn't the real him.
Sadly, he since then relapsed and spent another 3 weeks IP. Just last week he transferred to SLE, where he will spend the next 6-12 months. he misses his daughter terribly, but now having experienced being Daddy as both a heroin user and while clean, he readily admits he must stay clean to be a good Daddy to her. If he can't, he knows he should stay out of her life. She is young enough now that she won't remember him if he chooses heroin over her. He knows that's a consequence he will have to face if he doesn't work his recovery every day for the rest of his life. An addict Daddy is too selfish to be a good Daddy. He is better off disappearing.
Your daughter relies on you 100% for safety and protection and a full, happy life. I feel so strongly about this that I told my son if he chooses drugs over his daughter, I will support my granddaughter's mommy in keeping Daddy (my own son) out of baby's life. I choose my granddaughter over him if he chooses drugs.
Just my opinion.
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