Separating from Family Issues
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Separating from Family Issues
Friday, January 4, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Separating from Family Issues
We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between our nuclear family and ourselves. We can separate ourselves from their issues.
Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.
Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.
We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.
We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.
We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.
Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.
We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.
We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying then issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.
Today, I will separate myself from family members, lama separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Separating from Family Issues
We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between our nuclear family and ourselves. We can separate ourselves from their issues.
Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.
Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.
We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.
We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.
We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.
Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.
We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.
We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying then issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.
Today, I will separate myself from family members, lama separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I love this. One of the things my son would do is to use fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate me. Fear = I'm gonna DIE. Obligation=we are FAMILY you must help me or.......Guilt=you are a lousy MOTHER if you don't.
Sound familiar to anyone? Replace the word "family" in that with "married" and the word "mother" with the word "husband" or "wife". Put in the words that apply to your particular situation and you'll see how common this technique is. Who can think straight when their minds are filled with fear, obligation and guilt!?! Certainly not me!
We do have a right to live our lives without addiction taking us down. It doesn't mean we don't love them, it doesn't make me a lousy mother. I am an individual who has the right to live my life without the constant turmoil caused by addiction. I have a responsibility to myself to have firm boundaries.
Very empowering this morning. Thanks LMN!
gentle hugs
ke
Sound familiar to anyone? Replace the word "family" in that with "married" and the word "mother" with the word "husband" or "wife". Put in the words that apply to your particular situation and you'll see how common this technique is. Who can think straight when their minds are filled with fear, obligation and guilt!?! Certainly not me!
We do have a right to live our lives without addiction taking us down. It doesn't mean we don't love them, it doesn't make me a lousy mother. I am an individual who has the right to live my life without the constant turmoil caused by addiction. I have a responsibility to myself to have firm boundaries.
Very empowering this morning. Thanks LMN!
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anytown
Posts: 59
This post was EXACTLY what I needed to read today. I am trying my best to detach from my AH and his toxic family members and they keep trying to hook me and my son back in. They blame me for the fact that AH has nowhere to go and the hospital he's been in since his drug overdose and stroke wants to discharge him somewhere/anywhere.
I hate Fridays, because that is when they seem to get a burst of energy and go into overdrive. I've spent much of today blocking telephone numbers on my phone, since they are using it to harass me. One even showed up at my son's workplace this morning, telling him that he is going to have to take care of his father now.
Oh no, he doesn't. Let a government or court appointed guardian step in and make decisions for AH.
Am I awful for feeling that it would have been better for everyone if AH had died in that overdose???? Instead, the nightmare continues.
I hate Fridays, because that is when they seem to get a burst of energy and go into overdrive. I've spent much of today blocking telephone numbers on my phone, since they are using it to harass me. One even showed up at my son's workplace this morning, telling him that he is going to have to take care of his father now.
Oh no, he doesn't. Let a government or court appointed guardian step in and make decisions for AH.
Am I awful for feeling that it would have been better for everyone if AH had died in that overdose???? Instead, the nightmare continues.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anytown
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
I dont understand the lama references. I have seen them a couple of times. Can anyone explain it to me. Thank you in advance!
"lama separate human being"
"lama separate human being"
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
This is terrific! Though I have one brother who is now clean and sober, I have another who needs recovery badly.
He only contacts me for two reasons - 1) money or 2) to put me in the middle of a family feud. He has recently sent some very manipulative text messages.
I wrote something the other night after receiving one:
"Fear, Love, RESPECT.
Respect is strongest.
Love for my brother is great, but respect is even greater. When I focus on love I still feel an urge to correct him. But when I focus on respect for him I pause.
Respect is very powerful. POWERFUL.
I have struggled.
Those who treated me with respect have shown faith in me.
We don't question one another while focusing on respect.
My Brother,
I respect you.
I have faith in you.
You know your way, your path.
You are follinwg the course you intend to follow.
It is not mine to question you.
But to love without question."
This thought helped me to get through the night without trying to fix him. Maybe one day I will be able to share it with him or maybe not.
Some part of this was thinking about how I (the real me) would want to be treated if I were in his shoes, addicted and behaving so horribly. I decided I would want people to realize it was not the real me, and mostly to step away and let me follow my path.
Thank you for sharing the words above, because it is exactly what I am working on for myself right now.
And thank you for letting me share this here.
(Edited because I hit submit accidently before I was finished.)
He only contacts me for two reasons - 1) money or 2) to put me in the middle of a family feud. He has recently sent some very manipulative text messages.
I wrote something the other night after receiving one:
"Fear, Love, RESPECT.
Respect is strongest.
Love for my brother is great, but respect is even greater. When I focus on love I still feel an urge to correct him. But when I focus on respect for him I pause.
Respect is very powerful. POWERFUL.
I have struggled.
Those who treated me with respect have shown faith in me.
We don't question one another while focusing on respect.
My Brother,
I respect you.
I have faith in you.
You know your way, your path.
You are follinwg the course you intend to follow.
It is not mine to question you.
But to love without question."
This thought helped me to get through the night without trying to fix him. Maybe one day I will be able to share it with him or maybe not.
Some part of this was thinking about how I (the real me) would want to be treated if I were in his shoes, addicted and behaving so horribly. I decided I would want people to realize it was not the real me, and mostly to step away and let me follow my path.
Thank you for sharing the words above, because it is exactly what I am working on for myself right now.
And thank you for letting me share this here.
(Edited because I hit submit accidently before I was finished.)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
I dont understand the lama references. I have seen them a couple of times. Can anyone explain it to me. Thank you in advance!
"lama separate human being"
"lama separate human being"
Happy to clarify.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Lamas and lamas mamas....it's a family thing (but llamas was misspelled).
Happy to clarify.
gentle hugs
ke
Happy to clarify.
gentle hugs
ke
I am a separate human being!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It took me a long time to separate myself from my family's drama. It took years of physical distance, counseling, reading, etc. I don't talk to my AM very often, because she always is a martyr, victim, etc., and I just can't listen to it. She is mentally ill and an addict, so the drama is really bad. Her parents continue to live in denial and to dance the codependent dance with her. They still try to pull me into her drama, but pretty much know I want become involved. They will bring in the FOG--they are experts. However, I am my own person. I make my own choices. I choose how much to listen and be involved. I know that to become involved is to hand my power over to them. They want to make me feel responsible, which is exactly what I am trying to unlearn. I love them dearly, but will not lose my sanity and peace of mind over them. It does no good for them. It just destroys me. I am so thankful for this website, the books, and the counselor a who have helped me learn how to be my own person.
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