bunkie65

Im really struggling with this "no contact". I have not answered texts, or calls for over three weeks. My ex and I have a 20 year history. I love him and we have 2 kids together. He and I split 7 years ago because of his crack addiction and our home was no longer safe and a unhealthy enivornment for our sons or me. I have been in alanon for several years.

I was angry when I left but let that go a couple years ago. During that seperation period we did not communicate. He went to a very low, low place. Lost everything and was homeless. He has since went back to school and started contacting us again a couple years ago. We over the last couple years have gradually increased our interactions. We would spend time together then I would push for more and he would retreat. Then this spring/summer, we went full steam ahead and he was basically living with us. He did still keep his own home. He genuine in his efforts to be a family and things were good. We both had grown in many ways and matured. I suspected he ws using still but had very limited funds. When his work picked up so did his using.. (shocker). Needless to say we parted ways again.

Fast forward. As of september till mid oct we kept in contact and he was at his house doing what he does and he began to not answer calls or texts and his calls and texts were all about him and what he wanted. I slowly realized after working dilligantly on me we were going no where and his ability to even be a "friend" was not my definition of a friend. So I gradually slowed our conversations down and told him until he was no longer in active addiction our realtionship was pointless.

So now im no contact completely and miserable inside. Maybe I want what I want and know I can't have that? I just want to talk to him but what's the point? I know he calls to get his "fix" me, to make him feel good about himself. Maybe I want the same? But I do care and do love him and miss him. Im finding myself angry sometimes inside and sad. I know calling him will be a disappointment. I feel so torn. I know he is extremely angry that I wont return his calls, per his sister. A friend of mine told me that im a piece of his bottom, let him fall....

I have told him I care and love him but can't live with active addiction. He has not tried to contact me for over a week. I did see him christmas eve and it was so very sad. He looked and acted a mess. Angry, mean spirited to everyone... we did not even speak. Just merry christmas. I just don't know what is right? Do I? I've never done this. No contact when I was not mad. Im so uncomfortable inside I don't have peace about it, why? I know I will figure it out sooner or later..... any feedback would be greatly appreciated.... thanks

secondwind

Watching the ones we love slowly self destruct is so very painful.

I know i was and am part of my Addicted Other's bottom. AO does seem to have a severe bottom. Job loss, friends death, criminal charges, evictions, etc... wasn't enough for him to finally be sick and tired of sick and tired. 2 days before he moved out, AO told me i was his rock. I realized i was one of the rocks that fell down in his hole. He was desperataly trying to dig around me but i wasn't letting him. I know now i had to get out if the hole to let him continue. So i stay at the top of the hole living my life... but now struggle with waiting at the top to support him out when he needs it or walking away completely. I decision i will have to make someday.

All i know today is i dont want to live with active addiction anymore.

CARRIE

The Belle Of The Ball

Kindeyes

I think this discomfort is normal.

We all love the addicts in our lives. We all want to have a life and relationship with them without addiction muddling things up. And it's simply sad when we finally come to the realization that that isn't possible if we want to retain some measure of sanity. And when we finally choose to take care of ourselves, we go through a period of mourning the relationship. That's normal.

As long as the motivation for no contact is self preservation and not punitive in nature, the feelings of sadness will lift. But it does take work. I am so amazed at the power of the human mind......just as we can make ourselves miserable, we can embrace joy. We're all like Dorothy and the ruby slippers.......we've had the power all along to change our circumstances.

We'll walk with you.

gentle hugs
ke

bunkie65

Thanks KE & SW,

I started out with self preservation in mind I think that's all I had in mind? Which in where lies part of my delima. What are my motives? Am I just trying to justify contact because I don't want to accept I should not? Am I trying to may him"pay" for his treatment or lack of? Do I just want to go back to what im "use to, and ease my heartache of losing him to this monster? Am I afraid of my lack of strength to not give way to my heart and be sucked into the "addiction trap"? Not trusting myself is part of it, which is fear! Argggg yep the human mind! But today I am at least in a place where im taking care of me and trying to figure it out, how to take care of me. Looking at myself, really looking at myself, step 4/5 fearless, searching and moral inventory! That's huge for me compaired to several years ago, when I did not have these tools and awarenesses!

I have gone through greiveing and I know there are several stages of it and a process, a long process.... I just want to feel peace about it and im not there... well just for today I will try to do what I can and keep praying for Gods will and the power to carry that out. Sometimes, for me its real hard to know his will when mine gets in the way and I can't or wont accept it (his will), cause I still want mine. I know when I do accept his will and know just what that is and my fog is lifted I will have peace! This I know! Argggg! I just want it NOW! Lol ;D

Maybe its step one powerlessness too!? I have none! And in my head I know but does my heart know and can I accept or have I!?

I will get there! I will keep working at it and praying and keep being honest with myself, and I will get the peace I need and seek. Patience right! I feel a lump in my throat when I think about "us" maybe I just have been experiencing the pain of letting go, little by little and this part of that. I know me somewhat or at least im learing about me and what makes me "tick". And I know I don't do pain real well. Im quite the drama queen when it comes to physical pain. So if I were to feel the loss of him, us, our family all at once it would probably "knock me out" cause I could not handle it. So I guess God knows what he is doing and this too shall pass. (Sigh)

Thanks it is such a blessing having all of you to share your ESH and to share and get out that jumbled up emotion and thought process. Helps to get it out to sort it out. And if you can't get to a meeting and need one or can't make a call, this place is a God send! I noticed sharing and giving back to those that ask or are looking for answers, sharing my my ESH helps put things in to perspective and is healing and helpful for me. Giving back!

Thanks guys/gals! And just like they say. I "love each and everyone of you in a very special way"!
Gods blessings to you and your loved ones always!

LoveMeNow

Bunkie, just something to think about.

I am good at no contact if I am in "control" of it. But now that he is not trying to contact you, is it triggering some "abandonment" issues??

Just a thought.

zoso77

No one ever said "no contact" would be easy. In fact, most times, it's incredibly difficult to not have contact with those we love. Just because we separate ourselves from the addict doesn't mean we stop caring about them.

(Well, in most cases, but I digress...)

No one ever said that doing the right thing would always feel good, too.

When you go no contact, you're basically doing two things. First, you're establishing a boundary so that you can protect yourself. Second, you're allowing him to fully experience the consequences of his decisions. And if he is to have any chance of recovery, he has to take ownership of his choices and his behavior.

Twenty years is a long time. I appreciate that very much. But believe me when I tell you that if he were in your life on a day to day basis, the lack of peace you're feeling now without him would be a walk in the park compared to the hell you'd be going through with him.

So, just as you've given him over to God, give your pain over to God as well and let Him carry it for you. You'll be OK. It will get easier. But you have to keep doing the right things, even if it's hard and even if it doesn't feel right.

Best,
ZoSo

bunkie65

LMN, ah ha moment! Yes perhaps that is very much so a contributing factor that I did not consider! Thanks for that!

Z77, yes you are correct! Many times, often doing the right thing does not feel good at the time, but alas the end results do! Its brings to mind that of preparing for a race, training for that probably sucks, all the hard work endless work and painstaking commitment for something that you want real bad. To win or at least a chance to win. And after all the blood, sweat and tears comes the moment of realization of the hard work and the pay off! A chance to win the gold medal! And the personal growth and satisfaction one obtains from the whole process! So my "race" is taking care of me, getting to know and love me. Doing what is necessary to get the results I desire. Living a peaceful, healthy life. And surrounding myself with folks of like mind. Taking care of me! Something I did not really know how to do well or at all in many areas until I began a 12 step program!

Thank you again so very much I feel a sense of purpose and direction and motivation and a little more at ease with my decision! Thanks a million all!