suggestive help staying with him
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
suggestive help staying with him
Everyone says run... Like hell. But I can't. He's an alcoholic. An I am the woman who loves him and can't throw him away. Any suggestions are helpful and greatly appreciated from those who have stayed in their relationships.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
There are reasons people say run. And there are some relationships that aren't fixable. Staying in one just because he's an alcoholic isn't productive or fair to either of you - there must be other things that you find worthwhile.
The best advice I've received here so far is to be realistic with what you've got today. Is he right for you today? Can you live like you are today for the rest of your life? If so, then find support in your life to help you learn to detach from any addict behavior and develop a thick skin, because it can be a real crazy train ride. If there are big things that you look at today and say "I can't live with that" then accept that as well, because folks don't tend to change much, unless they really, really want to for their own reasons.
And lastly, ending a relationship that isn't working isn't "throwing someone away". It's allowing that person the dignity to find a better match, while protecting yourself and your own best interests. I am sure that if you asked your man if he would prefer you stayed with him out of pity, he would say no. No one wants that, addict or not.
The best advice I've received here so far is to be realistic with what you've got today. Is he right for you today? Can you live like you are today for the rest of your life? If so, then find support in your life to help you learn to detach from any addict behavior and develop a thick skin, because it can be a real crazy train ride. If there are big things that you look at today and say "I can't live with that" then accept that as well, because folks don't tend to change much, unless they really, really want to for their own reasons.
And lastly, ending a relationship that isn't working isn't "throwing someone away". It's allowing that person the dignity to find a better match, while protecting yourself and your own best interests. I am sure that if you asked your man if he would prefer you stayed with him out of pity, he would say no. No one wants that, addict or not.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I still love my xabf but I didn't wish to live with an active alcoholic anymore & made a healthy choice for myself & my children.
I wish with all my heart he would get further help for his alcoholism but he hasn't.
I can't force him into treatment.
I left & hoped he'd seek help. He didn't.
You may love your boyfriend but you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to live with an active alcoholic who doesn't wish to seek treatment.
Sorry honey, I know it's a hard place to be.
I wish with all my heart he would get further help for his alcoholism but he hasn't.
I can't force him into treatment.
I left & hoped he'd seek help. He didn't.
You may love your boyfriend but you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to live with an active alcoholic who doesn't wish to seek treatment.
Sorry honey, I know it's a hard place to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
It's really hopeless isn't it ? I don't nag or throw his drinking in his face. I try to accept what I cannot change. And love unconditionally. Prayer helps a lot. I'm not at my breaking point yet. I guess.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Let go of the guilt and control....he will make his choices. Those are his choices nomatter what he says.
Accept that he cannot be trusted with finances or other things of importance. Special occasions...try not to take to heart. Make the best with yourself. Not depend on him to make the best
Learn about addiction and realize he is an addict....dont tell yourself he is special. Hes not.hes still an addict.
Give him the information to seek help ....so he knows where you stand with his drinking. Dont enable.
Set boundaries and support him in recovery but support yourself if he doesnt want to recover.
Dont have meaningful conversations or arguments while he is drinking....hes drunk. There is no point or good in it.
Let him wake up in his own mess and have consequences and love him but love yourself as well
Accept that he cannot be trusted with finances or other things of importance. Special occasions...try not to take to heart. Make the best with yourself. Not depend on him to make the best
Learn about addiction and realize he is an addict....dont tell yourself he is special. Hes not.hes still an addict.
Give him the information to seek help ....so he knows where you stand with his drinking. Dont enable.
Set boundaries and support him in recovery but support yourself if he doesnt want to recover.
Dont have meaningful conversations or arguments while he is drinking....hes drunk. There is no point or good in it.
Let him wake up in his own mess and have consequences and love him but love yourself as well
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Poor thing.. I know precisely how much that feeling sucks. It was me a year ago.
Check this thread...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...day-365-a.html
I can't say it's been an easy road but I'm glad I chose the path I did. I love my recovering alcoholic beyond reason... The only reason I stopped enabling her and stumbled by accident onto the one thing that did help. I gave up, I got to the point where I just realized that she would stop or die but I couldn't allow her to take me or my daughter down with her.
If he doesn't find the will to stop then I'm afraid it really comes down to you deciding to live with it or deciding to walk away until he gets well. The catch is, there's no guarantee he will... I was willing to walk away, I am so thankful that she headed to Aa after that and not to vodka... It could have gone the other way.
Hang in there, he may or may not recover - that SUCKS - but YOU control your recovery and coming here and going to al anon is a great start.
Check this thread...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...day-365-a.html
I can't say it's been an easy road but I'm glad I chose the path I did. I love my recovering alcoholic beyond reason... The only reason I stopped enabling her and stumbled by accident onto the one thing that did help. I gave up, I got to the point where I just realized that she would stop or die but I couldn't allow her to take me or my daughter down with her.
If he doesn't find the will to stop then I'm afraid it really comes down to you deciding to live with it or deciding to walk away until he gets well. The catch is, there's no guarantee he will... I was willing to walk away, I am so thankful that she headed to Aa after that and not to vodka... It could have gone the other way.
Hang in there, he may or may not recover - that SUCKS - but YOU control your recovery and coming here and going to al anon is a great start.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
There are reasons people say run. And there are some relationships that aren't fixable. Staying in one just because he's an alcoholic isn't productive or fair to either of you - there must be other things that you find worthwhile.
The best advice I've received here so far is to be realistic with what you've got today. Is he right for you today? Can you live like you are today for the rest of your life? If so, then find support in your life to help you learn to detach from any addict behavior and develop a thick skin, because it can be a real crazy train ride. If there are big things that you look at today and say "I can't live with that" then accept that as well, because folks don't tend to change much, unless they really, really want to for their own reasons.
And lastly, ending a relationship that isn't working isn't "throwing someone away". It's allowing that person the dignity to find a better match, while protecting yourself and your own best interests. I am sure that if you asked your man if he would prefer you stayed with him out of pity, he would say no. No one wants that, addict or not.
The best advice I've received here so far is to be realistic with what you've got today. Is he right for you today? Can you live like you are today for the rest of your life? If so, then find support in your life to help you learn to detach from any addict behavior and develop a thick skin, because it can be a real crazy train ride. If there are big things that you look at today and say "I can't live with that" then accept that as well, because folks don't tend to change much, unless they really, really want to for their own reasons.
And lastly, ending a relationship that isn't working isn't "throwing someone away". It's allowing that person the dignity to find a better match, while protecting yourself and your own best interests. I am sure that if you asked your man if he would prefer you stayed with him out of pity, he would say no. No one wants that, addict or not.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
If he is not abusive and still does his fair share of work in and out of the house (i.e. a job), then I don't think you need to leave immediately especially if you aren't ready to go.
What can you do this day that will make you happy that has NOTHING to do with him? What do you enjoy in life and what makes you happy? If your answer is 'him', then that will make staying quite painful because anchoring your happiness on an active alcoholic is bound to be disappointing.
Please feel free to vent and talk and ask questions here--as much as you need to. We get it, we really do.
What can you do this day that will make you happy that has NOTHING to do with him? What do you enjoy in life and what makes you happy? If your answer is 'him', then that will make staying quite painful because anchoring your happiness on an active alcoholic is bound to be disappointing.
Please feel free to vent and talk and ask questions here--as much as you need to. We get it, we really do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I have to agree with Tuffgirl.
If today is as good as it ever will get, is that enough for you?
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, It's only a matter of time before other complications arrive. This horrible disease will devour those we love.
Memories of the wonderful man "he used to be", simply was not enough for me to stay in an unacceptable situation.
I can only suggest you continue to educate yourself about addiction. Knowledge is power. Only after I understood what I was truly dealing with was I able to make decisions based on facts and not my emotions.
Hope you continue to post, we are here and we understand.
If today is as good as it ever will get, is that enough for you?
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, It's only a matter of time before other complications arrive. This horrible disease will devour those we love.
Memories of the wonderful man "he used to be", simply was not enough for me to stay in an unacceptable situation.
I can only suggest you continue to educate yourself about addiction. Knowledge is power. Only after I understood what I was truly dealing with was I able to make decisions based on facts and not my emotions.
Hope you continue to post, we are here and we understand.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Effected, I felt the same way as you do. There was no way I was going to leave....
until that last binge when all of a sudden there was no way I could stay.
I simply hit the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. I had reached my breaking point.
Your friend,
until that last binge when all of a sudden there was no way I could stay.
I simply hit the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. I had reached my breaking point.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
There was a point for me where I couldn't imagine leaving my AW. We were together 18 years, married 11 so it was a thing so big I couldn't wrap my head around it. I couldn't even imagine life without her, even though living with her had turned into hell. I started going to Alanon & reading a lot about the disease. It helped me keep my sanity while I was with her. It also gave me strength & clarity to see things as they really were. I started "taking steps" towards divorcing her. I tried to get myself as strong as possible & root myself as firmly as I could in taking care of me. I also gave her every chance to work on our relationship but she was (is) incapable. When the time to make a decision arose, I knew it & I knew my answer. For me, it meant divorce.
I agree with what others have said, if your happy right now then there are tools to help you live a happy life with an active alcoholic, but for me it was hell. I found myself spiraling out of control right along with her & decided I wanted off that ride. It is a progressive disease & it kind of sneaks up on you until one day I woke up & didn't recognize the person she had become. Very sad........
I agree with what others have said, if your happy right now then there are tools to help you live a happy life with an active alcoholic, but for me it was hell. I found myself spiraling out of control right along with her & decided I wanted off that ride. It is a progressive disease & it kind of sneaks up on you until one day I woke up & didn't recognize the person she had become. Very sad........
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by Rosiepetal
I left & hoped he'd seek help. He didn't.
You may love your boyfriend but you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to live with an active alcoholic who doesn't wish to seek treatment.
Sorry honey, I know it's a hard place to be.
You may love your boyfriend but you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to live with an active alcoholic who doesn't wish to seek treatment.
Sorry honey, I know it's a hard place to be.
Be strong, dear. Reconsider your life options. He is not the only man in the world and there are plenty of healthier men who could meet your needs.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
