HAPPYIAMCLEAN

:winterd:Xmasdstar:nyjHi everyone, i am at a very tough time in my life and i dont know where tyrs, it wasn't always bad but after my mom died in 03 myo start. so i will try to keep it simple, I have been with my son's father for 14 drug addiction became out of control to the point that my son's uncle reported us to ACS in 06 since then we have or i should say i have tryied to comply with everything they have wanted me to do, 3 times ACS workers came to my house and found nothing so it was unfounded but the 4th time they showed up i could not get out of it, when she came i was really dope sick, i didnt know that i did not have to let her in, i found out that out recently but the matter of fact was i lived in the same house as my son's grandparents live, i hope that makes sense to you all in other words we lived upstairs and although we had our own entrance my son's grandmother let her in through her house which had a door on the side which goes down to the basement or up to my apartment, its called a mother daughter house so there was no way not to let her in, i tried to explain to the worker i had the flu but she knew better and i admitted it something i was told i should had never done but in a way the jig was up, she ordered me to go for a random urine test and i didn't comply so she tried a few times to make me go and i didn't do she put in a court order but i still never went, i was afraid they would take my children from me, so i confided in my ex-husband and i gave him our girls, my son i let stay downstairs with his grandparents, so it was taken to court and we were both mandated to go into 6mon to 1 yr TC i tried to evade it but they threated to take my son away so i had no choice, my sons father slimed his way out of it(dont know how) and he still lived in the house anyway, i completed 23 months in the TC, after i completed 4 months clean they put me through school and became a medical assistant, everything for me was going great as for my son's father he could not stay clean, he would lie to his lawyer all the TC's he went to untill he completed daytop, and of course he relapsed over and over again. after i finshed my program i got a job at a doctors office, while i was in the program i lost my apt because they needed rent so i lived with my father, i had steady visits with my son that was never a problem, after a while my son's grandparents let us live with them again as long as we stayed clean, now remember i was clean fron 06 to 08 untill my son's father came out of rehab once we were back it was off to the races again. i we were ordered to go to out patient treatment so was he but he is such a gifted pathalogical lier he said he was going this story is endless anyway i went back to my father his parents kicked him out so i used to sneak him in and out of my dads house, trust me i don't know how i got away with it, we did this for at least 6months, i lost my job my unemployment ran out he could no longer get any credit from our connection and his folks gave him no money, this was during the summer of 2010 i had no air conditioning in my room he had to **** in bottles and make number two in garbage bags it was a nightmare we finally gave up and went yet to another detox our dr put us on suboxone things were looking up, my son's fathers father let him back in the house even though they became his foster parents we were not allowed to live there but we mangage to, so i stayed clean did what i was told to do but the foster care agency only gives the parents 21 months to get jobs and a place to live and if its not complied with they can terminate your parental rights, about maybe 3 or 4 months ago i started to see changes in my son's father and i would from time to time i would find cut straws and empty dope bags, now it doesn't make you a rocket sience teacher to figure out he back to his old ways, my son is now 13 all this began when he was 6 and i've stayed clean for almost 3 years, this christmas old habits die hard all of a sudden he has money and i see his old ways remergeing i knew he was hanging out with known dealers old ones and new ones chistmas eve he was a total mess i knew he was on dope but i could not understand how he cant get high on it if he ih using suboxone? it's an opiate blocker i have seen him take it in front of me and i dont understand how he could be using? i know it cant block coke but i dont get how he cant get passed the suboxone? i saw my doctor yesterday very upset told him and showed him the empty dope bags except one that was half full and he told me if the dope is strong enough it can bypass the effects of suboxone now i wont lie when i heard that and i held that bag in my hand the little devil sat on my shoulder and say,"go ahead do it, it will be out of your system in two days" they angel said "you could lose your son, what if your called for a random" so i said it is not worth it and without hesitation i flushed it all down the john. I was so proud of my self, i love my boy i have court in two weeks and i can go in there with my head held high(no pun intended) and show them im on my own he will never get clean i cant continue to worry about him, he's a grown man, he will lose his rights to our son and i wont. last year i lost my brother to cancer i loved my brother with all my heart my girlfriend 2 weeks before xmas lost her older brother in a house fire two years ago she lost another brother, we all grew up together and i did not use, anybody else that was in my shoes with all i have been through i think would have used, the worst things got the stronger my resolve, i dont see drugs in me anymore, i dont want to get high i just dont understand why he continues to to that to himself, I want to save him but i dont think he wants to be saved, i'm afraid my son will go to look for him in his room and find hime dead!, it scares the crap out of me!, i dont know what to do, if anyone has any advise please help me!.