Justshy

My 12 days sober RAH just called. He is staying in a hotel until Sunday. Hasn't really been home since he went to the 3 day detox/rehab. He told me yesterday that he is thinking about moving out for 6 months to get healthy. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore. We were not doing well before he decided to quit drinking (in my mind, I blamed it all on the drinking, but honestly, I can now see I am a codependent and created a lot of problems myself). I thought when he left for rehab, we were on our way back to happiness but instead he is just so angry at me and wants nothing to do with me. We had planned for me to take the kids to see him tonight. He just called and said he has been looking at apartments. Why can he give our home a chance, just one chance? He said he is afraid if he returns to our home (and the negative, bad memories) that he will start drinking again. I know that all recovering alcoholics don't get to start over in a new place away from their family and responsibility. I want to convince him to give our house (and me) a chance. But I just know I'm going to cry and he is going to accuse me of being manipulative. This step seems so final, like there is no chance of recovering from it.

Katiekate

He is only 12 days sober, his life is turned upside down right now.

Your husband is just 12 days sober, your life is turned upside down right now.

What a painful, confusing place for both of you.

Today is only one day, just get through this day, deal with the next day when it comes.

Maybe get hooked in with al anon, find yourself a counselor.

I'm so sorry , it sounds so painful, honey, you need to find some support for you.

Keep posting. Sending you a big hug, Katie ox

SparkleKitty

That is your sadness talking. The road to recovery -- for both of you -- is a lot longer than 12 days. In my experience as a co-dependent, my perspective was limited to black and white absolutes and extremes -- "I'm NEVER going to feel better," or "you ALWAYS do this or that". That was part of the rollercoaster of living with alcoholism in my life. I got used to it. The ups and downs seemed normal -- and when I was finally convinced to start really taking the time to examine MYSELF -- well, it was very frightening and unfamiliar not to be experiencing those extremes.

I guess my point is this is not necessarily a final step. Go read the Newcomers to Recovery forum for a little while and it may give you an idea of what it is like to be less than two weeks sober. If you can find a way to come to terms with what he is telling you he needs to survive this process, you might find it is better for BOTH of you in the long run, whatever the outcome.

None of that helps you hurt less, and for that I am sorry. It doesn't seem at all fair that after standing with him through his active addiction he is not prepared to share with you in recovery right now. I am sending you hugs and hopes for strength as this continues to play out.

Tuffgirl

Hon, you've posted this several times, and each time you get the same feedback. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think it would really behoove you to listen to what others are saying.

No, this isn't "fair", but "fair" is a place we go to ride the rides. "Fair" isn't something that often plays out in real life. It's not fair this guy is an alcoholic, or that your life has been turned upside down by it. It's not fair that he feels he has to recover away from what he feels are potential triggers. It's not fair that your marriage is uncertain. But it is what it is. You can continue to squeeze lemon juice in your eyes, or go make some sweet tasty lemonade. Personally, I choose the latter, because the former is just too damn painful! And I have control over that! Make sense?

SO instead of being all dramatic about this decision of his - and I mean that in the kindest of terms - instead use this as an opportunity to make some personal changes in yourself. Don't you think it would be far more appealing to him if he saw you working as hard as he will be in recovery? Instead of just crying?

This doesn't mean the end of your relationship, as a matter of fact, it could be a new healthy beginning. But continuing down this road you are currently on is a trip to pain-ville.

SO do something different now. Try something you've not tried before. Let him go and work on yourself. Agree that in 6 months, you will reevaluate or go to marriage counseling or plan to live together again. Agree to this trial separation because it may be the only way he can get sober, which is the only thing that will guarantee your marriage has a chance to survive. And then get to a counselor that specializes in addictions and working with families and work on you! Trust me, you'll be so happy you did 6 months from now, regardless of what he does.

grandma12

Im sorry this is so hard for you and I dont think it is ever easy, but sounds like it hasnt been easy for a long time. Take this time to work on yourself when you are not so focused on him you may find out that you want thing you havnt been getting, work towards that. In the end if he stay clean/sobor, stays with you or not everyones wins, mostly the kids will have a sobor Dad. My opion

cr995

I am so sorry you are having to go through this - it is a horrible place to be. I have been there many times and I felt sad and frightened. The longer you live with an active alcoholic the sicker the situation becomes for both of you.

I would suggest that you do attend Al-Anon and keep going back for at least 6 weeks. The truth - believe it or not is that Love does not have to hurt that much. I know that you feel your husband is rejecting you but I think he would have most likely ended up right here - despite who he had married. Don't blame yourself for being a co-dependent !! Anybody who has had to live with alcoholism would react the same way.
There is a book by Melody Beattie called 'Co-dependent No more' I read it and it got me out of bed on a day I felt I couldn't face the day. It's an awful disease and it hurts everybody it comes in contact with.

Right now you probably feel - if only you and your husband were together - everything would be ok - that is an illusion - our last hope. If you are in recovery separately - you have a better chance of getting healthy.

Knowing what I know now instead of trying to talk my AH out of leaving when he did - I think I would have helped him find an apartment! Not to be unkind but to stop things getting worse which they do when he can still blame his success or failure on YOU! You don't need him to live. You deserve someone who is bending over backwards to be your friend and lover! Don't panic - I know its scary but trust me time on your own will actually end up making you feel better. ((Hugs))

If you feel like you need some reassurance and God knows I did in my early days - feel free to pm me - anytime. ((hugs))

dollydo

You post the same thing over and over again, we respond, you ignore our responses.

Please consider therapy, your mind is like a continuos loop, your children need you to be present in their life and to set a good example for them.

We cannot help you if you do not help yourself.

Your marriage may or may not go forward, however, unless you BOTH get healthy, the odds are slim and possibly non.

Give him a chance, let him find himself, 6 months in the overall spectrum of life is a mere drop in the bucket, it is not the end of the world, doing this just may save your marriage.

cr995

I think you are being extremely harsh on Justshy - think back to that awful feeling when you see your whole world disappearing before you.

Everybody needs time and some longer than others.

Justshy you post as often as you want and really it might take a long time to feel that you have heard something that you can identify with, and for those who feel irritated - well why not let someone else post replies if you feel you have said all that you can.

Ask yourself 3 questions I think before you post .

Is it helpful? Is it hurtful? Is it true?

cr995

SparkleKitty I just read some posts on the Newcomers Recovery!!
What?!

All I could think was - how can people not know , be amazed at the anger of friends and family towards what they have put us through. But then there is also all the contradictions - they feel that when they see their ex's remarried - the life they should have had was stolen by the new spouse!! But at the same time they went on to other relationships that did not work out.! I thought these people sound a bit mental -then I realized actually that is exactly the problem.

It made me annoyed to read it - but it also helped me.

SparkleKitty

It certainly can put things into perspective -- in lots of different ways. I'm glad it helped you (though sorry it annoyed you, too)!

ODAT63

As of today! I am so grateful that my now AXH left! ..I would never imagine my life being so much peaceful and better, if we were still together, however; at the time he left, I felt totally lost, I wanted to die, now I know that God had a better plan for me and for my children, and for the A as well.
Trust in your HP with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding...

cr995

I really wish I knew exactly why reading their posts makes me so mad.

cr995

ODAT63 - do you mind me asking what happened with your XAH after he left?

SparkleKitty

It's information - good to have and when you need to know why it triggers you that way, you'll discover it.

Sometimes when I read there, I tend to put my mother or XABF's face behind the words, which isn't always helpful. I don't get angry, but I do feel off-kilter and usually stop reading at that point. (shrugs)

cr995

Yes there is definitely something in the why. I suspect its something about the denial. My AH or STBXAH used to completely withdraw - no communication at all and when I broke down would act aghast and say But I'm not doing anything to you - I'm just withdrawing. I do have a lot of anger definitely and its tied up with - I don't know - the denial - if I'm not aware then its not really happening. Who knows? Time will tell I guess. But yes it will be instructive when I can answer that question.

fightingforus

The best advice I received for my similar situation was seek the advice if a councilor, pastor, Alanon, and support from family and friends. I went into a defenseless shell for the first 4 days. The fifth day I made self help day cramming in a long breakfast with my best friend (helpful that he has a phd in phsyc), went solo to our marriage counselor and ended the day with a pastor simply praying. This board has been fantastic as well. I developed boundaries and once crossed implemented a predetermined response. I finally have meaningful dialogue again with my RAW. Baby steps but something positive goes so far when you have so little esteem left. Create a self help day. Try to get plenty of sleep prior as it made it easier for me to think clearly. My thoughts and prayers will be in my heart for you and your family.

Justshy

I truly appreciate all of the responses, the sweet ones and the tough love ones! I really need them! I am reading Codependent No More and it's like it was written for me. I am aware of my own issues and am impatient to make changes, just not sure where to start. Thanks again for all the responses and please keep them coming!

Mightyqueen801

Was chuckling a bit reading your reaction--mine is similar when I read the Newcomers thread (or sometimes other alcoholics' posts). My anger has lessened over the years since I got my XAH out the door, but the ones that grate on me are the ones that swoon about "taking care of themselves finally instead of worrying about everyone else"--in my POV, the alkies always WERE taking care of themselves--not in the proper way I'm sure they mean--but in that they always put themselves first when they were drinking, and someone ELSE had to take care of THEM. One of those someone elses used to be me, but I quit that job.

Katiekate

You have already started !

Katie xo

Mightyqueen801

Yep. Once read something to the effect that if a light shines upon an atom on which no light has ever shined before, a change has already taken place.