seek

Or should you just write in a journal?

I am not asking this from an Alanon perspective - but just a human perspective.

Do you think any purpose is served for you or the alcoholic or both of you to tell them how YOU feel about THEIR actions? I know in interventions people tell them how their behavior has impacted them, but is that the only appropriate time to address YOUR feelings with the alcoholic?

Lord knows it's all about them and they probably don't want to hear it. I "get" that. But is there any good reason to tell them (other than just purging for yourself?)

Or is it better for all concerned to just talk to a therapist or write in a journal or whatever?

What do you think?

And again, I am not looking for Alanon by-the-book answers.

Thank you

LifeRecovery

For me it has boiled down to what are MY expectations about telling a loved one my feelings?

If it in any way trying to make them change, then I am better off not doing it. That is me attempting to control (this is for me with non-drinking issues too).

If it is a way to get it off my chest and out there and it won't matter what they do with it that is an entirely different scenario.

I am dealing with an example to both motiviations in two different relationships right now and as as result my actions will be different.

SparkleKitty

In my experience, telling my XABF how I felt about what he did served no purpose. It did not change him/the situation nor did it make me feel any better.

And while I have had opportunities to tell my AMother all about how her drinking affected my life, I have declined to do so. If she asked, I would tell her, but since she doesn't ask, I assume she is not ready to hear it. She probably never will be and that is okay. She lives in her reality and I live in mine and I am confident that mine is a safer, less scary place than hers. I don't need to make it worse. Now, this of course means that both of us have to accept that we are not really part of each others' lives anymore. A lot of people on the outside don't understand that, and we have to accept that, too.

That being said, having a therapist and friends to work through my feelings of disappointment and anger with were invaluable. My alcoholics were in no way prepared to be there for me in that way, as they were unable to be there for themselves in that way.

A good question, and I look forward to hearing others' ESH on this.

Sadconfused

IMHO No I dont think its worth it. From my experience one of two things happen, 1: if he is sober and i try he agrees, claims to want to change, makes a lot of promises and then goes to the fridge for a beer. 2: if he is drunk it will led to an agruement in which i will be blamed for everything and anything I had to say goes right out the window because he is throwing things in my face to take the focus off him.

I started journaling, its helps a lot. Again this is just my experience with my ABF, Im sure some have others.

Tuffgirl

It was worth it to me to stand up for myself. Didn't make one bit of difference to him; he tended to hear only what he wanted to hear anyway. But I am glad I got to say what I needed to say in the end.

ReflectingOnMe

When I was with my A he didn't care how I felt unless it was enjoyable for him. He would mock me when I was upset. Dismiss me when I was concerned. I cannot see him caring about a letter from me = unless it brought him humor. Something for him to analyze and mock. I would not want to give him the satisfaction of what he had really done to me...what I ALLOWED him to do to my self worth.

Of course, only in my experience..

MsPINKAcres

for me Journaling was a much better outlet for my emotions, thoughts and feelings ~

when I tried to share them with the active alcoholics & addicts in my life (my daughter & my now ex ah) I felt like my feelings were discounted and brushed aside by their needs and own issues ~

After many years of focusing on them them them ~ I needed somewhere that could be just about ME ~

It also helped me to not have to seek validation from other sources ~

just my e, s, & h ~

wishing you the best in your journey of healing ~

pink hugs

PippiLngstockng

Generally for me, trying to talk about my feelings with my AH is like asking for a fight, in his opinion. And he is pretty eager to jump in, usually. So I kept my distance until some little symbolic thing would go on, like he'd wash a load of clothes - which he knew I hated because he always ruined stuff...then I'd maybe lose my patience and I'd say stuff even though it was beyond pointless and there'd be a horrible fight...

No more. I never wanthim to get near my thoughts if I can help it.

But, actually, I did lose my temper with him last week after a LOT of stress around his antics and told him how I felt. And I felt stupid for demeaning myself but he did respond with some useful info regarding lies he is telling the police,etc. and knowing that is helpful.

So I did profit a bit from that terrible moment. Nevertheless, next time I would rather stay above it all and keep my dignity!!!

ZiggyB

I'm not sure what useful purpose that would serve.

In my case, the axbf knew how I felt about it. At times he would make efforts to quit and other times he would go out on benders and drink like a lunatic, show up at my apt. hungover and smelling of smoke... most of the time I would say nothing but in the last few months of our relationship I was brutally honest with him and that accomplished nothing.

The drinking won out in the end, he sees no problem with what he is doing, doesn't care who he hurts, thinks I'm the one with the problems, what's the point. I would imagine your ex is probably of the same mind.

FireSprite

While RAH was actively drinking, no. Sharing my POV was pointless since he was never in any frame of mind to truly hear me. He interpreted everything I said in whatever way he chose & I ended up more frustrated as a result. Often it only encouraged another argument. A literal effort in futility.

After he got sober & some time passed it became important to me to share & be heard in an effort to move forward. If we were separating/divorcing I wouldn't have cared as much, but I felt like we couldn't really put the pieces together again without him having some understanding of what the journey through his addiction was like from my side of the fence. He didn't like everything that I had to say & it took still took multiple conversations for me to get through to him that this is HOW THINGS WERE, not something I was exaggerating for sympathy or making up to make him feel worse. His memory of events was really hazy through the alcohol fog but that didn't mean that they didn't happen!

For us, it came up organically during an argument where RAH was frustrated that I'm still dealing with trust issues..... he really couldn't understand WHY I couldn't just go back to the way I used to feel.... suddenly I became very aware that he really did not understand what he had put me & DD through, that he was minimizing things in his memory to make himself feel better. But my feelings are based on the realities, not fanciful wishful thinking.

OhBoy

I used to let STBXAW know when her actions bothered me. I felt like that if I had done something to upset HER, I would want to know so I could correct it. She never did & when I did she turned it into me overly criticizing her. I started to really think about things that were important to me that she should know. How her unacceptable behavior affected me. It accomplished nothing with her as she was (is) still looking for her "I am the victim" so I need to drink role. When I looked at it as how one person in the relationship has affected me adversely, I would let her know. Very concise & to the point leaving as little for her to manipulate as possible. I would say enough to make my point & let it out then leave it alone. I never received any understanding, validation or empathy from her, and when I expected none I felt like it was easier to get it out & let it go.

EnglishGarden

If the alcoholic is in active addiction, my belief is that expressing one's feelings to the alcoholic does not serve any good purpose. Anyone who stands between the alcoholic and his or her compulsion to drink is considered the enemy. And for me, trying to make emotional connection to someone who saw me as the enemy only diminished and degraded me further. It inflated the alcoholic's already outsized ego, affirmed for the alcoholic that the problem with me was really me, and I believe it gave the alcoholic pleasure to see my emotional pain or any hint of human insecurity, any sadness, any sorrow. The alcoholics I have known always seemed more confident and grandiose when the people in their lives were sad and in pain.

Having learned the hard way, through hard experience, I would never, not ever, try to have a significant and vulnerable conversation with anyone in active addiction.

NYCDoglvr

As much point as telling your dog how you feel. The alcoholic's higher power, God, great love of his/her life is alcohol. Write in a journal.

patientlywaitin

Mine is currently in wrapping up a 30day stay and I'm pretty sure he has no clue how I feel. Even with therapy before and a session today. I didn't have to ask that question, the dr did it for me. When he asked him to put in his own words what I had just said, he couldn't do it. I don't have the ability to be offended by that right now. While I'm struggling with my own feelings he is feeling just as bad about his own. I started journaling a month before he left for the clinic and saved the most of it for the psychiatrist. Not really so he could hear me but that's really the only time I felt heard by anyone. Do whatever works for you but don't expect your thoughts or feelings to change or effect anyone's behavior. It's ok to want an acknowledgment but anything more than that is unrealistic.

cr995

Hmnn I thought it was only me that AH could treat this way. But our daughter wrote to him after her wedding, just to let him know how upset she was at the bad atmosphere he created on her big day. His response to this - he had discovered I was a 'serial adulterer' and was NOW going to have to start putting himself first!!
So I don't think the A's care how anybody else feels. Yes write it in a journal - it helps to vent and it also shows you your progress when you look back on it. I am considering turning mine into an E-book!

Seren

I wrote a letter to my stepson when his father and I became engaged. I told him how his words and actions made me feel. I also told him that I cared about him and knew he could figure this all out but to not expect to be invited for Holiday dinners because of the way he had been behaving toward people at that time (threatening to kill people).

I knew that my letter would not change his drinking or drugging at all. I felt that since I was becoming a member of his family, I had earned the right to state my peace, once, with kindness. I did and I was done.

If you have never had an opportunity to tell the alcoholic in your life how you feel when he does X, Y, or Z, then I don't see any reason why you should not. If you have already had this conversation and are expecting some sort of different outcome each time you bring it up, then you may simply be wasting your precious time and energy. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

FarawayFromCars

I found some solace in restating my boundaries in an email to my ASis recently. She went on a drunken Facebook rant and proceeded to drop me as a friend. She then begged me to reconnect with her (all while drunk, of course). I told her that my personal boundaries are to not engage with her when she is drinking, and that she had had a choice in the matter--drinking or family--and she had chosen drinking. No apologies.
It made me feel better, though I'm sure it won't make a difference with her. But I did it more for me--learning to stick up for myself and asserting my boundaries.