Good Enough
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 12
Good Enough
Second day down. Managed to eat a little and even caught two hours' sleep. Now I'm wide awake during the witching hour and my thoughts are flickering between the usual "No more, never again, this is the last time" to a dark and crafty voice urging me to dash out to the corner store, that my last drink wasn't good enough.
Not good enough? As in not pathetic, destructive, scary, or sloppy enough? I have lost so much in my pursuit of the perfect last drink, the one where I suddenly lean forward and say "I've had enough." Except this will never happen. Left to my own devices, I will drink until my money, freedom, or body runs out.
I need to rewire my thinking. The last drink doesn't matter. It's the ongoing decision not to pick up the next one that makes all the difference.
Not good enough? As in not pathetic, destructive, scary, or sloppy enough? I have lost so much in my pursuit of the perfect last drink, the one where I suddenly lean forward and say "I've had enough." Except this will never happen. Left to my own devices, I will drink until my money, freedom, or body runs out.
I need to rewire my thinking. The last drink doesn't matter. It's the ongoing decision not to pick up the next one that makes all the difference.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 706
Originally Posted by Beige 
I need to rewire my thinking. The last drink doesn't matter. It's the ongoing decision not to pick up the next one that makes all the difference.
Trust me, it gets better.
Zube
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Beige, your post rang the loud bell for me)
In my attempts to quit I used to arrange "perfect last drinks" or "farewell wine drinks" buying some expensive wine and making some good food) But these "perferct drinks" were never perfect enough. You know, it reminds me about fairy tales when the main character is bewitched and lives in some wicked world.
Not to take the first drink is a great way to "unbewitch" yourself. It's better to have imperfect sobriety than "perfect" drink (which sounds like oxymoron).
Stay strong, don't surrender to AV.
Have a good day.
In my attempts to quit I used to arrange "perfect last drinks" or "farewell wine drinks" buying some expensive wine and making some good food) But these "perferct drinks" were never perfect enough. You know, it reminds me about fairy tales when the main character is bewitched and lives in some wicked world.
Not to take the first drink is a great way to "unbewitch" yourself. It's better to have imperfect sobriety than "perfect" drink (which sounds like oxymoron).
Stay strong, don't surrender to AV.
Have a good day.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Yep. What is it with that thinking?
Drugs and alcohol make my life hell....but I still get 'sad' that I didn't get messed up enough just one last time. Or try that one drug/combiI never go to try. So ridiculous! What is it with that?
Hang in there. I can totally relate!
Drugs and alcohol make my life hell....but I still get 'sad' that I didn't get messed up enough just one last time. Or try that one drug/combiI never go to try. So ridiculous! What is it with that?
Hang in there. I can totally relate!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Inbetween dances
Posts: 548
Actually your last drink does matter. Always remember what put you there, how you felt and the despair and hurt it caused you. For relive or dwell in it, just remember it. And that will be one factor in helping you stay away from the next drink. In aa we call that playing te tapes back. Oh, and the insanity of this disease is that we think we can try it again with different results. We can't. Best words of advice I have heard: don't stumble on something behind you. Best wishes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 12
Fifth day and I think the first battle is winding down. Finally caught four hours' sleep, I'm eating again, the trembling has stopped, and I can even walk around in the world and speak in complete sentences.
In the past, I thought I could stay sober on my own. And I'd do it for a year, sometimes three or four, and then I'd always go boom. And this thing, this disease or compulsion or curse or whatever we call it, it's so ruthless, patient, and unforgiving. Four years sober and I bought a pack of cigarettes and sat down at a bar. Two days later I woke up in a distant motel room surrounded by empty whiskey bottles and hard drug paraphernalia that I never would've dreamt I'd do. And the drugs kept getting harder, my drinking speed got scarier, and my prayers for death became increasingly serious. There was no deliverance, no moment of insight or intervention that worked for me. My only option was to pick a day to quit, stick to it, and let the tigers come with their claws. I've earned this frightening pain of withdrawing from booze, pills, and cigarettes.
This time, I'm throwing everything I've got at staying sober or else I will die. Doing ninety meetings in ninety days, trying to 'work the first step' (although I have no idea what this actually looks like), swimming in the mornings, and filling my days with reading, writing, and volunteer work.
Off to tonight's AA meeting, which truly is a beautiful and bewildering kind of anarchy. I think the meetings are good for me, although I shudder when we hold hands at the end and chant. But this is a reasonable price to pay in exchange for getting my mind back.
In the past, I thought I could stay sober on my own. And I'd do it for a year, sometimes three or four, and then I'd always go boom. And this thing, this disease or compulsion or curse or whatever we call it, it's so ruthless, patient, and unforgiving. Four years sober and I bought a pack of cigarettes and sat down at a bar. Two days later I woke up in a distant motel room surrounded by empty whiskey bottles and hard drug paraphernalia that I never would've dreamt I'd do. And the drugs kept getting harder, my drinking speed got scarier, and my prayers for death became increasingly serious. There was no deliverance, no moment of insight or intervention that worked for me. My only option was to pick a day to quit, stick to it, and let the tigers come with their claws. I've earned this frightening pain of withdrawing from booze, pills, and cigarettes.
This time, I'm throwing everything I've got at staying sober or else I will die. Doing ninety meetings in ninety days, trying to 'work the first step' (although I have no idea what this actually looks like), swimming in the mornings, and filling my days with reading, writing, and volunteer work.
Off to tonight's AA meeting, which truly is a beautiful and bewildering kind of anarchy. I think the meetings are good for me, although I shudder when we hold hands at the end and chant. But this is a reasonable price to pay in exchange for getting my mind back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 12
Day six. Went to another AA meeting. My head is clear enough that I can sit at a café and write. Nothing great, but at least I'm writing again. Hell, at least I'm out in public. Even got a haircut. Cleaned the house and now I'm about to go for a run, which I haven't done in nearly six months.
Thing is, I'm doing these constructive things but I'm just going through the motions. My lizard-brain still speaks loud and clear, romanticizing the weird furtive joy of sneaking to the store for a bottle and blowing off my life. But I desperately want to return to the land of the living, so I will continue going through the motions of leading a good life. Fake it 'til you make it, etc.
Drinking is for cowards.
Thing is, I'm doing these constructive things but I'm just going through the motions. My lizard-brain still speaks loud and clear, romanticizing the weird furtive joy of sneaking to the store for a bottle and blowing off my life. But I desperately want to return to the land of the living, so I will continue going through the motions of leading a good life. Fake it 'til you make it, etc.
Drinking is for cowards.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,506
Hello Beige. I somehow missed your first few posts. You write beautifully.
You're beginning to feel a bit brighter - I'm so glad. I, too, went through the motions for a couple of months, but each day was a bit better than the last. Alcohol came close to stealing my soul, but one day I woke up feeling hope and joy again. You will get there - and soon you won't be faking it.
You're beginning to feel a bit brighter - I'm so glad. I, too, went through the motions for a couple of months, but each day was a bit better than the last. Alcohol came close to stealing my soul, but one day I woke up feeling hope and joy again. You will get there - and soon you won't be faking it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 12
Thank you so much for the kind word and encouraging note, Hevyn. I went for my run. It was ugly and comic, but I'm glad I did it. The other day in the rooms, an old man said the most important advice he could offer to someone new to sobriety is "suit up and show up no matter what." I play this in my mind on an endless tape loop.
Hevyn, you summed it up exactly right: I feel like my body and mind are on the mend, but my soul is off somewhere hiding.
Got six hours of solid sleep last night, which was amazing. Ready to tackle day seven and I swear I can feel my neurotransmitters -- my GABA and serotonin levels, my damaged neurons -- I feel them banging around in the back of my head, trying to untangle themselves. I'm so tired of feeling like a chemistry experiment gone awry.
From an article in BusinessWeek, of all places:
Hevyn, you summed it up exactly right: I feel like my body and mind are on the mend, but my soul is off somewhere hiding.
Got six hours of solid sleep last night, which was amazing. Ready to tackle day seven and I swear I can feel my neurotransmitters -- my GABA and serotonin levels, my damaged neurons -- I feel them banging around in the back of my head, trying to untangle themselves. I'm so tired of feeling like a chemistry experiment gone awry.
From an article in BusinessWeek, of all places:
Alcohol releases a neurotransmitter called GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid), instrumental in creating a sense of euphoria. Too much GABA can impair muscle control and slow reaction times, so the brain releases a stimulating chemical called glutamate to keep it in check. When alcohol is cut off, glutamate levels remain high and can cause irritability and discomfort. To relieve those feelings, the brain craves another drink. As more GABA and glutamate are released, brain cells change their structure to accommodate the excess chemicals, making them dependent on these levels. When alcohol is withdrawn, painful emotional and physical reactions are set off.
GABA may be the reason people drink, but glutamate is the reason they can't stop. This powerful neurotransmitter is a key player in the brain's learning centers, and excess amounts create deeply embedded memories of drinking. Years after a person quits, these memories can be triggered by a place, person, or even smell associated with drinking, setting off intense cravings. Such cue-induced cravings are the main reason for relapse. "They're why it can be easy to get off a drug, but it's very hard to stay off," says Dr. Herbert D. Kleber, director of the division on substance abuse at Columbia University.
Time is on our side. I'm going to drag this body out of bed, go for a swim and hit my AA meeting for the day, and then I'll sit down and pay some bills or tackle some other horrible task I've been ignoring since I picked up the bottle last summer.
GABA may be the reason people drink, but glutamate is the reason they can't stop. This powerful neurotransmitter is a key player in the brain's learning centers, and excess amounts create deeply embedded memories of drinking. Years after a person quits, these memories can be triggered by a place, person, or even smell associated with drinking, setting off intense cravings. Such cue-induced cravings are the main reason for relapse. "They're why it can be easy to get off a drug, but it's very hard to stay off," says Dr. Herbert D. Kleber, director of the division on substance abuse at Columbia University.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I’m not sure why but I found myself contemplating this thread. Perhaps it’s your search for meaning that I can identify with. I don’t know. It’s plain however that you’re analytical, and you like things to make sense (I believe this will serve you well). Yet, as obviously intelligent as you are, your own drinking does not make sense. It takes you to places you don’t want to be, yet you drink again in full knowledge of this. I can relate.
IMO what’s needed to understand the ”beautiful and bewildering kind of anarchy” is a spiritual experience. If you can achieve that, I believe you will have an entirely different sort of understanding. I think you know what you need to do.
IMO what’s needed to understand the ”beautiful and bewildering kind of anarchy” is a spiritual experience. If you can achieve that, I believe you will have an entirely different sort of understanding. I think you know what you need to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 12
Day nine and thank you, Awuh1. You've nicely summed up just how illogical I am when it comes to boozed. I'm in awe of my capacity for self-destruction.
Where does this impulse come from? I've never truly considered it before. In the past, I would cast out the booze and march forward in my life, keeping any thoughts about my alcoholism, anxiety, and depression buried. Feeling bad? Buck up and go for a run. This only got me so far. Last year I fell hard after nearly four years of sobriety and almost died. This year I'm giving up the fight, shutting up, and listening to all of the advice I can find, whether it's on this forum, in the rooms, or in books about recovery, spirituality, etc. I need to replace my addictions (and they are legion) with some kind of spiritual growth.
Trouble is, I have no idea what this means or what it looks like. What does it mean, exactly, to be spiritual? Yesterday at a meeting, the conversation focused on Carl Sagan and Carl Jung (which surprised me & made me love meetings even more), and some people talked about the idea of building our own gods, creating our own mythologies. This resonated with me.
Can one go looking for a spiritual experience? If anyone's reading this, I'd love to hear how you found your spirituality, your peace.
Where does this impulse come from? I've never truly considered it before. In the past, I would cast out the booze and march forward in my life, keeping any thoughts about my alcoholism, anxiety, and depression buried. Feeling bad? Buck up and go for a run. This only got me so far. Last year I fell hard after nearly four years of sobriety and almost died. This year I'm giving up the fight, shutting up, and listening to all of the advice I can find, whether it's on this forum, in the rooms, or in books about recovery, spirituality, etc. I need to replace my addictions (and they are legion) with some kind of spiritual growth.
Trouble is, I have no idea what this means or what it looks like. What does it mean, exactly, to be spiritual? Yesterday at a meeting, the conversation focused on Carl Sagan and Carl Jung (which surprised me & made me love meetings even more), and some people talked about the idea of building our own gods, creating our own mythologies. This resonated with me.
Can one go looking for a spiritual experience? If anyone's reading this, I'd love to hear how you found your spirituality, your peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 10
First, let me say that you have a beautiful way with words. I really hope you continue writing them out as there are so many things that others could feel from your experiences.
The last drink you mentioned in the opening post. That is something I know very well. For me, it was all part of romanticizing drinking which I did in various ways. It seems as insane as romanticizing snake bites or a constant flu but recognizing insane thoughts did not stop me from repeating past mistakes.
Your question about spiritual experience is a great one. It is so personal that I find it hard that anyone would be able to give you the answer since the answer is within you. If I could jump inside there and find it, I would.
For me personally, when I found my spirituality and peace I did not immediately stop drinking. But finding it and being able to access it now is one of my best tools for sobriety. I was hiking, which is something I never do and don't particularly enjoy, in Glacier National Park in Montana and came upon a place called Iceberg Lake. The beauty and serenity was more than I could grasp or understand and so I came to piece with the hugeness of the world and the luck and grace that I may have a small place within it to explore its wonders.
The last drink you mentioned in the opening post. That is something I know very well. For me, it was all part of romanticizing drinking which I did in various ways. It seems as insane as romanticizing snake bites or a constant flu but recognizing insane thoughts did not stop me from repeating past mistakes.
Your question about spiritual experience is a great one. It is so personal that I find it hard that anyone would be able to give you the answer since the answer is within you. If I could jump inside there and find it, I would.
For me personally, when I found my spirituality and peace I did not immediately stop drinking. But finding it and being able to access it now is one of my best tools for sobriety. I was hiking, which is something I never do and don't particularly enjoy, in Glacier National Park in Montana and came upon a place called Iceberg Lake. The beauty and serenity was more than I could grasp or understand and so I came to piece with the hugeness of the world and the luck and grace that I may have a small place within it to explore its wonders.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I can only tell you what happened to me.
I had trouble with the god part of the program. I was speaking with someone in the program one day and they asked me if I thought there was anything more powerful than myself. I said sure, gravity. Their response was “that’s a start”.
I was struck dumb. I had nothing to say.
Indeed it was…. a start.
I came to realize that I had never investigated, with a truly open mind, any of the world’s religions or spiritual practices. So I did. I looked that all of them, or at least as many as I could find at the time. I did it while I suspended disbelief (and this was not an easy task, by the way).
I then had something which I can only describe as a spiritual experience. I don’t know if it was the steps or my open-minded searching (via voracious reading) that led to this experience. I think it was a combination of both. In any case it happened. I’m still amazed now, as I look back on it. Me, of all people, a spiritual experience. I was so stunned, so much in shock by the shear impact of the experience that I was afraid to tell anyone about it. I was sure they would think I was NUTS!
So I figured I could tell the person who had made the “that’s a start” comment.
Well anyway, I won’t go on and on about this. My point in sharing this is to express my optimism with your statement that, “I need to replace my addictions (and they are legion) with some kind of spiritual growth". It does not matter if you “have no idea what this means or what it looks like”. It is my sincere belief, that with an honest open minded searching you will find it,
but it might not be what you imagined.
I had trouble with the god part of the program. I was speaking with someone in the program one day and they asked me if I thought there was anything more powerful than myself. I said sure, gravity. Their response was “that’s a start”.
I was struck dumb. I had nothing to say.
Indeed it was…. a start.
I came to realize that I had never investigated, with a truly open mind, any of the world’s religions or spiritual practices. So I did. I looked that all of them, or at least as many as I could find at the time. I did it while I suspended disbelief (and this was not an easy task, by the way).
I then had something which I can only describe as a spiritual experience. I don’t know if it was the steps or my open-minded searching (via voracious reading) that led to this experience. I think it was a combination of both. In any case it happened. I’m still amazed now, as I look back on it. Me, of all people, a spiritual experience. I was so stunned, so much in shock by the shear impact of the experience that I was afraid to tell anyone about it. I was sure they would think I was NUTS!
So I figured I could tell the person who had made the “that’s a start” comment.
Well anyway, I won’t go on and on about this. My point in sharing this is to express my optimism with your statement that, “I need to replace my addictions (and they are legion) with some kind of spiritual growth". It does not matter if you “have no idea what this means or what it looks like”. It is my sincere belief, that with an honest open minded searching you will find it,
but it might not be what you imagined.
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