Randy32

I recently got in touch with my anger and stood up for myself.

I was dating an ex who was an emotionally exhausting alcoholic. anxiety manipulations anger. He was a spoiled brat who was `managing`his drinking after a stint in a treatment facilty. not managing so well....everything was about him and now thankfully my life is about me again.

I have come to accept that he has moved on with another person. ( literally, one week after we broke up ) I genuinely hope that they are happy together and I feel relief that I do not have to put up with the unhealthy stuff anymore. I am focusing on what I am wanting out of a relationship and I am confident that I will never allow someone in my life who is so troubled.

I think he eventually left because he couldnt face the ultimatums and it was a tall order to " manage " himself as he said he would. I think he just wanted a fresh start, clean slate..someone to focus on who saw him in a different light. who didnt see him as such a damaged individual.

My question: is his new love going to experience the same thing as I did?..I have washed my hands clean for the most part after reaching a point of getting in touch with my anger and releasing the ghost. but I wonder if some people bring out certain types of insecurities or anxietie that inspire someone to drink more?...MY ex was always afraid with me..afraid I didnt love him enough, afraid I was going to meet someone better. I was pretty impatient with his behavior.. I question if his new partner gets to see this side of him or was that only for me?...can someone who struggles with making really bad choices when he drinks ( violence, dissapearing, driving drunk, missing work, major life events) keep those things under wraps or does the ill ness peak out and reep its ugly head eventually?..if it does..I feel sorry for the new guy.

I recently found out his brother is an alcoholic as well..it runs in the family..will this pattern keep on repeating or is it common for alcoholics to just be able to turn it off for awhile?...or indefinitely?

do they have to stop drinking or is this a manageable thing?

side note. Im really taking awesome care of myself and focusing on me and my independance, and alhough sometimes lonely..I feel excited to be able to free of all that negativity in my life. this site has helped me tremendously.

Katiekate

The answer to someones issues is not a new relationship.

Hopeworks

Hi Randy,

You are among many friends here and make sure that when you read posts that do not resonate or you feel you were misunderstood that you simply "eat the hay and spit out the straw"... in other words, take what you want and leave the rest!

If your XA's behavior included violence that is a HUGE red flag as are many of the other things that you have posted about the relationship. His jumping into another relationship one week after you split is another... he is clearly not making good life choices and if he is early abstinent a new relationship is very, very risky.

We have to remind ourselves that most relationships fail... period. Add alcoholism and poor life skills on top of that and the success rates drop through the floor.

Have you tried alanon? It is a great place to unravel what may have attracted you to your XA in the first place. I found that it helped me enormously in fixing my broken picker that is very, very fond of broken alcoholics!

I gave up scooping up alkies for rescue for my New Years Eve resolution.

DefofLov

Randy,

First of all, big to you.

Secondly, try shifting your thoughts to less HIM and more YOU.

Learning myself is hard enough, analyzing another is not helpful to me. He needs to figure out what his path is and what he needs to recover.

I am glad you are taking care of yourself. Keep it up! It gets better.

Lily

cr995

Hi Randy,

My AH used to tell me he was afraid of me all the time. That used to really hurt my feelings but - that's how he says he felt. He also got into another relationship very soon afterwards. I think it helps them to be with someone who does not know the truth about them. But they have to either pretend to be somebody else forever or show their true selves and risk being found out. Breaking up hurts and it hurts even more after a relationship with an A. I think once your're an alcoholic your are always an alcoholic. Even if the A stops drinking - what they are left with is the personality that started them drinking in the first place. Glad to hear you are feeling better.

kindness2012

aw. very sad. i know how u feel randy. i still miss my ex a bf. in many ways i still truly do love him. i will never unravel the mystery of why, all things considered. i have met an amazing man who is so very kind and giving and loving to me. im taking it slow, becuase im so not used to that. my short time with a 'recovering' 'self managing' ex A did more damage to me than i can describe. and losing him is still a mystery, a heart ache and a heart break. but to my shock, it has almost left me unable to trust or be with anyone. its hard to describe the hurt, isnt it? mine looked for someone pronto, after tellling me he couldnt live without me, etc. he says that the new thing came to nothing as well. the only way a relationship can work with a new person before recovery is at enormous danger and cost to the new person. its all very painful for everyone all round.i feel for you. take care.

Katiekate

Well said.

Randy, please begin your own recovery.

LifeRecovery

I did not see any red flags in my exs drinking for about a year.

Then it all hit.

I think it is less about a person and more about where in the relationship it is.

In my humble opinion "moving on" is not being in another relationship a week later.

redatlanta

Everyone puts best face forward when they meet someone new.

I do think in relationships we can bring out the best and the worst in each other - but we are talking about a disease. If he had cancer when he was with you he would still have cancer in the new relationship. He is still an alcoholic..... you get my point.

Just changing geography. May work for awhile who knows - eventually it won't.

No reason to pick it apart - can become an obsession and hold you back from moving on. Be glad its not your problem to "solve" (I say that with a laugh as no one can solve an addiction for another) anymore.

Randy32

this site helps me alot..thanks guys.

TakingCharge999

Codependent no more is a great book we recommend around here, hope you can get a copy! really, check it out.

I see this as active addiction and the enablers needed for it to continue. Its not even about personalities anymore. In my experience, anyone who served a purpose to the addiction, stayed in XABF's life. Anyone who took notice, openly challenged it, or in some way threatened the addiction, was OUT of his life. Nothing else mattered. At least not to the addict.

A XABF's friend helped me to understand this and realize I was not as crazy. I recall we talked after I had broken up with XABF. He told me he had talked to XABF a couple of times before (before I had even met XABF). He realized XABF had a problem. And that, after our breakup, he no longer recognized the friend he used to have. He was also getting away from XABF.

Then I looked at the friends he had at the time - ALL were 'party people'. Very easy to hide an addiction among that crowd. The friend I talked to was not like that at all. He had no substance addictions either.



Addiction is ruthless and I am still angry about everything LOL. I do not wish good things for XABF or his GF. In fact I don't know if they are still together. But she drank even more than he did. Anyway, I still have much work to do ahead of me, and even with the anger, sadness, etc, I still know God spared me much more pain I would have had if I had stayed.


PS Something else. My dad is a raging codependent. He found another codependent and they have been married for 25 years or so. I was thinking - what if XABF and GF do marry and stay together all their life? well, that does NOT mean anything in the relationship is what I, Tc999, wish for myself. Two people being together does not mean it is healthy or that is even desirable for ME.

We have to stop the codie toxicity and focus on ourselves. Also what is of great help for me, is to imagine the universe as Abundant - there is enough for everybody and there is certainly enough good things awaiting ME, tc999. I just need to remove the obstacles. Focusing on other people is one of such obstacles. Going back to my day, my present moment, how I can make it better and how I can be of service to others - THAT is a productive way to spend time...

Rosiepetal

If an active alcoholic enters a new relationship it will not be all roses as a lot of us tell ourselves.
As the alcoholics disease progresses then the relationship will get worse between them. The new partner will then have more BS than we did.

My xabf went on also 1 week after we split to an old/new girlfriend. In this time he has cheated on her & also upset her numerous times with his drinking.
How much she tolerates is up to her & how much she values herself.One thing is for sure, it will get worse.

We on the other hand can go on to live a healthy life & find happiness.

Hugs, I know it's hard.

jamaicamecrazy

Thank you all for your comments. I really needed to read some of this stuff as I just learned my AH is in a new relationship and he took her to meet his family. Of course my imagination is running wild. I know I should not obsess. Who knows how things will develop. In the meantime I need to continue to take care of myself and let the pain help me grow and make better choices for myself.

iamthird

If they were healthy, they wouldnt be jumping into a new relationship! They are not happy!!

Shadydeal

You know I also struggled with that same question but much was revealed past-present! Sober- drunk and all about the same. By that I mean pretty much others received what I received good-bad! However my XABF was never able to stay sober very long outside of a structured emviroment so even 90 days sober his behavior much the same! I do think when bridges are burned they must move forward in order to cross another bridge! I know that no one could have told me & I had to learn on my own! I think what I have seen/learned is that it takes a long time to change the behavior of an A drinking or not....try to take care of yourself!