My story.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
My story.
Hello everyone, I have lurked around this site for a long time, I finally joined today. There are some amazing people on this board and reading some of the posts, I felt like I wrote some of them myself.
I hit what I considered to be my "rock bottom" Christmas night. Alcoholism, as most of you know, can be quite sneaky. I had a great Christmas with family, visiting relatives and friends I haven't seen in a few months or longer. I purposely planned to get there as early as I could to each of the gatherings in anticipation my nightly shots of bourbon when I got home. All the while, hiding my feelings of deep depression and suicidal thoughts that had been getting progressively worse over the past 4 or 5 years. I ended up spending Christmas night alone, with a fifth of bourbon and my own self pity....which leads me to one of the reasons I feel the need to post here, the vicious self feeding cycle of depression and alcohol.
A lot of you probably already know about this, but I just recently discovered alcohol induced depression the hard way.
I have been a daily drinker for as long as I remember now, at least the past 10 years, and a weekend warrior before that. It had progressed to (3) 40 ounces of beer a day in the summer (during the week, 12-18 per night on the weekends) .and during the winter I was going through a fifth of bourbon every 2 days, a little more on Fri, Sat. I always knew it was getting worse, and my excuse was, "well, I hate my job, I am so depressed...etc. I would drink more to numb the pain, often alone....and the next day my depression would build that much more, and I knew some kind of end was inevitable, I just didn't know how. I got to the point where I actually told my poor wife that I was going to end it on my terms. Even then, in my drunken state, somthing clicked. Somthing HAD to change.
The next day I called the suicide hotline, and for the first time, told someone about my true feelings. I started to cry, uncontrolably, (somthing I just don't do) and the lady on the other end was quite a good listener. She gave me a few numbers to call, of places I already knew in this small town. After I hung up, I knew I had to do my part. I made the choice to change.
To sum this up, I made it to New Years Eve, relapsed a bit but it was different. I drank less, and I felt like I let myself down when I drank. I knew I didn't have to have it. That night through today marks one time in 8 days I have drank. As I type this I feel self confident, not in a fog, and I see light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could say I have been sober since Dec 26th, but I would be lying to myself.
Today leaving work I went straight home without even the thought of a beer or shot. (That came later- haha) I feel better, and my energy has increased. I no longer want to die, and this journey has just begun. Alcohol induced depression is very real, and very dangerous. Things arent all rosy, but it's life, and I can feel a positive change already. I want to think that one day I could drink a beer or two watching the game, but I have something to prove, to myself. Maybe I can, maybe I can't. But I have decided to make a change, for the better. Most importantly I have found out the root of my depression, and hopefully the journey to recovery. I have hope.
Thanks for reading my post, I hope that it may help someone else who is in a similar situation. Meanwhile, I'll be around :-)
I hit what I considered to be my "rock bottom" Christmas night. Alcoholism, as most of you know, can be quite sneaky. I had a great Christmas with family, visiting relatives and friends I haven't seen in a few months or longer. I purposely planned to get there as early as I could to each of the gatherings in anticipation my nightly shots of bourbon when I got home. All the while, hiding my feelings of deep depression and suicidal thoughts that had been getting progressively worse over the past 4 or 5 years. I ended up spending Christmas night alone, with a fifth of bourbon and my own self pity....which leads me to one of the reasons I feel the need to post here, the vicious self feeding cycle of depression and alcohol.
A lot of you probably already know about this, but I just recently discovered alcohol induced depression the hard way.
I have been a daily drinker for as long as I remember now, at least the past 10 years, and a weekend warrior before that. It had progressed to (3) 40 ounces of beer a day in the summer (during the week, 12-18 per night on the weekends) .and during the winter I was going through a fifth of bourbon every 2 days, a little more on Fri, Sat. I always knew it was getting worse, and my excuse was, "well, I hate my job, I am so depressed...etc. I would drink more to numb the pain, often alone....and the next day my depression would build that much more, and I knew some kind of end was inevitable, I just didn't know how. I got to the point where I actually told my poor wife that I was going to end it on my terms. Even then, in my drunken state, somthing clicked. Somthing HAD to change.
The next day I called the suicide hotline, and for the first time, told someone about my true feelings. I started to cry, uncontrolably, (somthing I just don't do) and the lady on the other end was quite a good listener. She gave me a few numbers to call, of places I already knew in this small town. After I hung up, I knew I had to do my part. I made the choice to change.
To sum this up, I made it to New Years Eve, relapsed a bit but it was different. I drank less, and I felt like I let myself down when I drank. I knew I didn't have to have it. That night through today marks one time in 8 days I have drank. As I type this I feel self confident, not in a fog, and I see light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could say I have been sober since Dec 26th, but I would be lying to myself.
Today leaving work I went straight home without even the thought of a beer or shot. (That came later- haha) I feel better, and my energy has increased. I no longer want to die, and this journey has just begun. Alcohol induced depression is very real, and very dangerous. Things arent all rosy, but it's life, and I can feel a positive change already. I want to think that one day I could drink a beer or two watching the game, but I have something to prove, to myself. Maybe I can, maybe I can't. But I have decided to make a change, for the better. Most importantly I have found out the root of my depression, and hopefully the journey to recovery. I have hope.
Thanks for reading my post, I hope that it may help someone else who is in a similar situation. Meanwhile, I'll be around :-)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
welcome to SR SilenceSoLoud 
I remember so many nights like that - I'm glad you reached out for help an got numbers to call - awesome!
I prefer my life now - no contest
There's a ton of support here...really glad to have you with us.
D
I remember so many nights like that - I'm glad you reached out for help an got numbers to call - awesome!
I prefer my life now - no contest
There's a ton of support here...really glad to have you with us.
D
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by SilenceSoLoud
Alcohol induced depression is very real, and very dangerous.
Thank you for sharing, SSL. I'm so glad you are taking your life back. It's an exciting journey.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Near Rockford, IL
Posts: 90
Welcome My Friend,
Alcohol is powerfull and cunning and impacts people in so many bad ways. You made a good choice reaching out for help. Start building that sobriety. Im approaching 110 days.
Physically, I feel good, mentally Im a wreck - they say bad memories and guilt will eventually subside.
Would highly rec AA.
Good Luck
_______________________________________
Being Sober > Any Temptation
Alcohol is powerfull and cunning and impacts people in so many bad ways. You made a good choice reaching out for help. Start building that sobriety. Im approaching 110 days.
Physically, I feel good, mentally Im a wreck - they say bad memories and guilt will eventually subside.
Would highly rec AA.
Good Luck
_______________________________________
Being Sober > Any Temptation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
Thanks for the replies and the encouragement, I appreciate it. I know there is a long road ahead, but I also know in my heart I never want to go back to the place I was. Funny thing is, my life circumstances are pretty much the same, ( I still don't like my job, bla bla bla) , I just look at the situations differently. Some posters here have helped me realize that. All that self- pity, negativity, whining and self loathing was a by- product of my years of abuse.
In retrospect, I probably should have went into inpatient rehab/detox, the first 3 days were pretty bad. No sleep. Anxiety, anger outbursts, shaky, etc. All that further solidified the fact that I had a real problem, and woke me up even more. Even my wife, who knew I was severely depressed asked me to my amazement, " were you actually drinking every day?" She works 2nd shift and had no idea of the extent of my abuse. Maybe deep down I knew that, and that intensified the feeling of lonliness.
I have an appointment the middle of this month with a therapist, and I have decided that if make it until then without a drink, I'm going to cancel it. Maybe not the right choice, but I am taking it day by day. Ironicly someone once told me that alcohol was a depressant, hence thats why I was depressed. I laughed at them. I thought once my buzz wore off, the effects of alcohol were gone. I couldn't have been more wrong.
In retrospect, I probably should have went into inpatient rehab/detox, the first 3 days were pretty bad. No sleep. Anxiety, anger outbursts, shaky, etc. All that further solidified the fact that I had a real problem, and woke me up even more. Even my wife, who knew I was severely depressed asked me to my amazement, " were you actually drinking every day?" She works 2nd shift and had no idea of the extent of my abuse. Maybe deep down I knew that, and that intensified the feeling of lonliness.
I have an appointment the middle of this month with a therapist, and I have decided that if make it until then without a drink, I'm going to cancel it. Maybe not the right choice, but I am taking it day by day. Ironicly someone once told me that alcohol was a depressant, hence thats why I was depressed. I laughed at them. I thought once my buzz wore off, the effects of alcohol were gone. I couldn't have been more wrong.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Silence,
That is a very important realization you have made, I think we all new it intellectually, that alcohol caused depression but chose to ignore it as we needed that lift that alcohol gave in the beginning.
I am over 19 months sober with the support of SR and the program of AA and to be honest the longer that I am sober the more work it seems I have to do on myself, that's how it is if I want to keep sane and sober.
I wish you all the best and hope you become a regular on this site.
CaiHong
That is a very important realization you have made, I think we all new it intellectually, that alcohol caused depression but chose to ignore it as we needed that lift that alcohol gave in the beginning.
I am over 19 months sober with the support of SR and the program of AA and to be honest the longer that I am sober the more work it seems I have to do on myself, that's how it is if I want to keep sane and sober.
I wish you all the best and hope you become a regular on this site.
CaiHong
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Silence,
Welcome to SR! I am glad you are feeling a little better. I have been using This site as my biggest support, but I do see a therapist once or twice a month. You may want to keep that appointment just to have an objective listener.
Keep posting and reading, it helps tremendously!!
Welcome to SR! I am glad you are feeling a little better. I have been using This site as my biggest support, but I do see a therapist once or twice a month. You may want to keep that appointment just to have an objective listener.
Keep posting and reading, it helps tremendously!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
