amityville

hi, it's been a while since i've been on here. recently finished completely with xabf, after he cut/pushed me out of his life for no apparent reason other than his need to do his 'recovery' on his own terms without feeling guilty about upsetting me. turns out it was ALL lies, the ssue of him and his drinking is now a silly distant memory in light of what i've found out.
so for the past few months he'd turned more and more hostile towards me as he created more dramas in his own life- for which he was more than happy to have me say reassuring things to him about.. but when he conversations were'nt about him he became irritated and sh***Y towars me. the last 'conversation' we had was on chat on facebook- on my birthday...i asked him about the women he'd been sleeping with and why he lied about them instead of just saying it to me and he was like i'm in college i'm busy..go live your own life 'i'm done'...even though the previous phonecalls were about him not wanting it to be over... i know i'm an idiot for even having had these conversations with him at all. but he owes me 1500euros, and has a load of my stuff, and stuff belong to my dad (who was killed a yr and a half ago)
i know it's just money and stuff but i wanted tem back and still do. also to be able to move on.. but anyways, not sure how i'm gonna go about it now, he changed his number and completely blocked me out after my birthday, and clearly told every other friend and family member of his god only knows what kind of bs about me so they wouldn't answer their phones, all i wanted was my money and stuff back. i'd hacked his email acc and fb already but had trouble getting into the second email acc until a week ago... what was in there was hundreds of mails from gay classifieds he's been on since jan 2010.. i feel sick. as bad as things had gone the last few months nothing prepared me for finding out my whole life with him was a lie. he asked me to marry him and now i just feel sick... none of it was real..even the times we had that seemed amaazing..the proof is all there, week by week month by month for three yrs (at least) he's been sneaking off to hook up with random gay men..sending them pics of himself, his phone number...swapping stats and interests..talking filth..and organising hook ups in warehouses, cars, apartments, hotels.. twosomes threesomes, gangbangs...you name he's done it and in several of these conversations he says theres no need to use protection.. that he swallows..i'm sorry for how horrible this sounds! he's been leading a totally sick double life.. and looking at the dates of all these 'activities' made it worse.. two days after my dad was killed he was back down at our apartment hooking up..while my dad was at home that week in a coffin. his creamation was 5 days later, 'bf' was with me that day but had to go back to whre we lived to get ready for assesments in college, what he actually did was go online a few hrs after my dad was cremated.. to organize a gangbang in our apartment.
this is only starting to sink in now... his mother rang me and said she'll be in touch this week to arrange bringing back some of my stuff.. i just want revenge. i realllllllly do. he's put my life at risk repeatedly for yrs all the while talking aout our plans to have kids etc in a few yrs... i may not ever be able to have kids now..he had no problem possibly taking my health/future from me.. i'm still waiting on tests.. i want to tell everyone what he did but i want my stuff back and the money back..
there are pics of him on a mutual friends fb now, at a new yrs party (new yrs i spent alone drinking because i couldn't face celebrating anything or being around anyone) he was twisted drunk, having a great time, he's shaved his head- used to have hair down around his waist- dressing differently, like he gets to wipe the slate clean and be a different person and i don't exist.
i've taken screenshots of most of the emails/pics in his acc... so far he either hasn't tried to log in or he has, and is pretending i'll just go away.
but i can't face the thought of him getting away with what he's done.he's had me live with his drinkng and troubles and support him all this time..while sleeping with upwards of a hundred men... sorry am not sure this post even belongs in this site but i don't know what to do...

Momzo

OMG! RUN as fast as you can away from this thing! Consider yourself very lucky to be away from him. I'm worried about diseases he could be spreading if he's not using a condom! Please take care of yourself. Please get checked by a doctor. Maybe try small claims court to get your stuff back. Someone up there is watching over you...Dad? I'm soooooo sorry that this happened to you...hugs to you.

ZiggyB

Wow,
I am sorry I can't imagine how horrible you must feel. I hope you aren't tempted to hack into his email or fb anymore because you will only find painful stuff there. I caught my ex looking at tranny porn which was creepy enough, not sure what else he is doing.

One thing I suggest is you get tested immediately for every STD under the sun but it sounds like you've done that.... you may never get your money or your stuff back so I wouldn't count on that happening.

I can only imagine how angry you are but it's hard to imagine any kind of revenge that is really going to make you feel better, ya know?

amityville

thanks for reading guys... i got my bloods taken for the most serious ones -ironically got that done before i got into the secret email acc... i knew he'd slept with some women, so got the first couple tests done.. waiting on results and have app. booked for next wk for all the other tests. i haven't told any of his family or friends or his homophobic bandmates... i feel sick at the thought that he gets to walk away from this because he's painted me out to be a crazy b***h to evreyone else. in hindsight, he'd been subtly alienating and turning everyone in his life against me for the past couple of yrs in order to validate his sh**y behaviour. ts so messed up. i don't want him getting away with this. i don't want to tell his family... but i think i'm going to let it slip-via email to a select few 'friends' of his... i'm sorry it sounds vindictive but what kind of person is so devoid of conscience that they could mess with the person they love to that extent? for that long..

me01

OMFG THATS REALLY BAD GOD I THOUGHT I HAD A BAD TIME AS OTHER PEOPLE AS SAID RUN MILES AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU WANTING YOUR THINGS BACK AND YOUR MONEY I WAS LIKE THAT OVER MY EX PARTNER BUT THINGS NEVER GOT THAT BAD.. if i was u i would just worry bout getting your results and go from there, have you tried to contact the police to help you get your things back thats what i had to do.. If there is any think i can do just ask xxx

AlwaysGrowing

That is pretty twisted. Consider yourself lucky you found out and moving on. What comes around goes around.. as the saying goes. God will take care of him. What a miserable life he must be living in. The best way to move on is to pray for him everyday.
AG

ReflectingOnMe

Revenge wont ease your pain. If his mom does bring you your things...smile, say thank you and count your lucky stars that it is over. I had to delete my fb and i went as far as disconnecting my internet connection for two weeks because i brokeinto his fb and email to get further proof on the affair he was having. It only hurt me worse to know the facts. When I see his family i refuse to discuss him. I dont need to point out his faults to those who know him...it would only make me sound bitter. Before taking any action, think of the consequences your actions would have on YOU. Would telling his mother of his faults truly make you feel better? Less hurt? Less betrayed?
My thoughts are with you..

marie1960

THE BEST REVENGE IS A GOOD LIFE.......

I am sorry for your hurt and betrayal.

It's going to take some time to heal. I can only suggest.... go forward, do not look back..... there is nothing for you there.

You are now in charge of YOU. The choice is yours, you can continue down this dark hole, or push yourself forward, and surround yourself with those that add joy to your life.

This guy is truly unable to add any value to your life.

Rejection, the lies, it all sucks....... but now you know the truth, and the truth can set you free......

It sounds like you will be getting your father's possesions back, (and that is good). but if you are holding out for him to repay the money........ that probably won't be happening..... Write it off as a lesson learned, and be DONE.

Make 2013 YOUR year.

amityville

i don't expect revenge to ease any of the pain or confusion... i just don't see how i'm the only one who should pay for this. i did nothing but care about him and love him...and i don't know who he was/ is...actually not too sure who i was/am at this stage. i want him to pay for it and i want to be the person who makes him pay. i've seen all of his online dating profiles too... am not even hurt by those, whats driving me nuts is that i was completely misled and made a total fool of for 4 yrs...and now he's split me black and it's like as if the last 4yrs never happened. his mother funnily enough has been having a lesbian affair for the past yr or so.. amazingly he roared at her, called her everything under the sun and stopped speaking to her. he had the nerve to complain to me about how she'd had an affair yrs ago while his fathers mother was on her deathbed...hahahahahaaa...how ridiculous is that!? knowing full well what he was doing when my dad was lying in a coffin. just to top that off, when he was there with my at my dads wake, at one point he promised my dead dad that he'd look after me...!!! ugh... anyways, horrible as it is what his mother has done- she's in love with the other woman at least.. he gets away with berating her for all his problems being a total hypocrite. i just think he's getting away with far too much. pulling the wool over everyones eyes and making it all about him...and ruining lives.

secondwind

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I hope you are able to find some peace soon.

I am happy to hear that you have gotten tested, i pray they all come back negative.

Revenge will solve none of your hurt or pain. Revenge will not make him sorry.

Revenge only keeps those negative feelings spinning inside of you. You will not be satisfied.

He isn't getting out of this scott free. He is an addict and dealing.with the problems that come with it. Addicts are good at pretending they are ok when then aren't. He is also the surviour of sexual abuse.
Regardless of circumstances - HIS behavior is inappropriate and imo wrong.

I understand how angry you feel.. the anger is only hurting you. I hope you are able to find a way to release it soon.

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball

bamboo10

That is horrible-I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Just be glad you dodged a huge bullet by not marrying him! I'm glad you getting all the test. If I were you I would contact the police about your stuff. Explain the situation and say you need your things but don't feel safe going to get them.

ShootingStar1

I am very sorry for the loss of your father.

As for your fiance, what he has done to you is terrible, despicable. For someone to proclaim that he loves you and then do such depraved things at the same time is unbearably destructive. I don't know how to say how very very sorry I am that you have had to go through this.

At least you are free now, and can turn to your own life, your own healing, your own recovery. We will all keep our fingers crossed for you and with you that the medical tests come out fine.

As to the revenge, of course it is natural to want to cry out in anger and despair and rage and want to extract some pain from him, to cause him to feel a minor amount of the damage that you have endured.

There is a thread here on SoberRecovery in the last few days that is labelled something like "don't get mad, get even" and if you read it, you will see a heated discussion of the affects of taking revenge on someone who has wronged you.

For me, having been damaged by my alcoholic abusive narcissistic porn addicted husband of 20 years, it is better to acknowledge what happened and move on. He will never understand what he did to me, and he won't care. If he could understand, if he could care, he wouldn't have done it.

My concern for you is that your XABF was doing some very dangerous and unhealthy things and doing it with very unsavory people. Addicts are notorious for lacking self-control, and from what you have described, your BF had no impulse control whatsoever. There is a risk to you if you damage or embarrass him publicly, especially given the kinds of people he knows.

I would not think it would be worth it to engage him further, ever, in any manner whatsoever. You will never cut him to the soul because he is so disconnected from his soul, from any normal emotions, that he can't feel this. What you may do is enrage him to engage his tough friends and retaliate. You may be putting yourself in danger.

That won't heal you; it won't undo the damage he's done; it won't do anything but get you even more deeply trapped in his vicious cycle of deceit, damage, pain, and destruction.

I believe, IMO, that the way out of this is to get your stuff through his mother as she's offered, get as much money repaid as is possible in one try, and move on to healthier pastures.

It's a choice of the soul for you: you can act on his level, or you can center yourself on the best of yourself and let him and his destruction play out without you. The truth about him will be revealed. That is the dark secret that he has to fear, to live with. You don't need to be the agent of that; it will happen anyway, over time.

Come here, as often as you need to and feel free to post anything and everything about your feelings. People here will understand. People here have been treated badly by alcoholics and addicts. We will listen as long as you need us to. This forum is a place to let loose of the volcano of rage that you must be feeling. One by one, the layers of rage and grief and pain will come to light, and you will be able to let them go.

My best wish for you is that you heal, that you start seeking your future, your growth, your healing, your own peace. It is there waiting for you, believe that, I've been finding it for me.. If you were my daughter, this is what I would wish for you.

Take what you want, leave the rest; this is all said in love and peace.

ShootingStar1

thislonelygirl

I agree.
The best revenge is putting yourself together and living life amazingly.
I want to add gross!!! I am sorry that this happened to you.
I dont know if your x is in the closet gay or if he is just bisexually twisted.
Either way consider the information you found as a blessing! Now you can move on
Out of the lies. Hes sick and doesnt care about anything or anyone besides his desires.
Be the revenge you want. Be beautiful inside and out . Prosper in your life
And stick it to him that you are more alive than him and more caring .
Stooping to his level in immaturity and hate is not going to make it better.

SparkleKitty

Others have said it far better than I could, and I hope you will consider NOT adding fuel to his sad fire of addiction and lashing out, and actually becoming the person he is painting you to be to others. You deserve better than that, and as satisfying as it might seem in the short term, it may not be long before you start to feel the true emptiness of "revenge". You might find you hurt exactly as much as you do now, only with the sure knowledge that you brought it upon yourself.

I say this from a place of concern, respect, and understanding. I know you are hurting and don't know what to do. Scream, yell, cry, punch pillows...there are ways of releasing all of those feelings without intentionally hurting someone else...and inevitably, yourself.

Sending you strength and hugs.

AlwaysGrowing

Careful what you wish for. I remember the anger with my 1st wife. Being so angry I told a friend "I just wish that b i t c h would die." Well, a few months later addiction took her leaving behind our two kids. I wish I could take that statement back not so she would be in my life but hopefully a sober mother for the kids.
My life is blessed today and my kids have a mother that is more available than their real one drinking.
I felt the hurt with the cheating, lies, and bashing me to others inferring things I never did. I had to leave it at the Cross. Man is an eye for an eye. God is about forgiveness and grace.
AG

cr995

amytiville - the more I read on this forum - the more I feel these people should come with some sort of Government Health warning. Really with friends like these who needs enemies. The only thing I think that helps is time and distance. I was talking to someone on skype just now and out of the blue they tell me AH's new GF is wearing my clothes. I don't know if its a joke - I didn't ask but really its upsetting. And more than that I am upset that stuff like this gets to me. When I stay far away I feel better but I know what you mean - it hurts. I think Alcoholism being a disease of denial or lying says it all . In time we will feel whole and good again. Lets be glad we are coming out of the nightmare - not going in to it.!

ReflectingOnMe

[QUOTE=cr995;3750868]amytiville - the more I read on this forum - the more I feel these people should come with some sort of Government Health warning.

lmbo..! Isn't that true...the sad thing is; we would most likely ignore it.
I was warned by his ex-wife, his mother and by a professional psychological evaluation I found. I thought this psychiatrist is way off base (obviously tricked by his first wife's manipulation tactics), his ex wife is *OBVIOUSLY* (groan) jealous, his mother cold and unloving. How could she just write her son off?! Hanging head in shame. Jeesh..I am a dumbass, I BLIND/DEAF ONE!

amityville

ha...reflecting onme..i know that feeling! nobody warned me about him. because everyone thought he was great, he'd done drugs in the past but stopped a good while before he met me. so i assumed as did everyone else who knew him, that he was ok and had turned his life around etc. looking at it now it just seems he substituted the drugs with me, and when the novelty/ honeymoon phase wore off after a yr it became random guys and more drink. the addiction was always there just in varying forms.
it's disgusting though that someone could involve a completely innocent unassuming other in that level of risk...
as far as psychological evaluations go, he still hasn't gone to the psychothereapist, obviously because he's a coward and is worried he'll be given a dozen different diagnoses and locked up...which wouldn't be a bad thing imo! they really should come with a warning. for the most part i had considered myself a good judge of character, it's crazy how wrong you can be about a person..and yourself!
cr995, that sounds stomach churning...i thought of something similar happening, he's now living in the house his grandmother left him, about a 4hr drive away from where i am, loads of my clothes from our old apartment (that he was kicked out of) are there..i know for a fact he'd been lining up a few skanks to come over for a 'housewarming' over xmas, and the thought crossed my mind that they would probably go snooping through my stuff.. makes me sick with anger. but there is sweet fa i can do about that as thankfully i'm very much removed from all this distance wise at least, and have been through the whole past few months. i think things would have got alot more out of hand for me had i been living near him with all this going on.
always growing.. i'm so sorry to hear about how it ended out with your first wife. i've said some pretty awful things to him myself, but took them back later on. it's hard to keep the anger to yourself when you're in the middle of it! i don't know how xabf is going to turn out himself, seems from fb that he's still getting drunk and pretending he's fantastic. i spoke to his mother a week or so back, i had just found all the gay emails, i didn't tell her and at that stage i wasn't angry yet...i told her i just felt sorry for him and that i was worried he wouldn't see 30 if he keeps going the way he is. that's the last conversation i've had with anyone to do with him and am beginning to think it might be better to say nothing. even though the majority of my reasoning right now is screaming do not let him get away with this! one big thing i'm wanting to ignore but just can't, that is stopping me from sending any screenshots, is that if it that kind of public humiliation pushed him over the edge it would be on my hands forever.

marie1960

With gentleness I say, You are dwelling on quite a few issues that just are not yours to be worried/concerned about. His mother's sex life, not your business.

I pray your tests all come back negative, and you will be able to put this nightmare to its final rest. How very awful that you have had to endure this, may your experience remind all of us to take every precaution to practice safe sex and protect ourselves.

Diva, he is not getting away with a damn thing, he truly is a very lost man. I am sure he lives in a very dark place on a daily basis.

I have heard it said many times, respect is not so much for the other person as it is for yourself, yes, he wronged you, his actions, a game of russian roulette with your health. you do have the option of keeping your dignity and rising above this. You certainly are worthy of more, it really is ok to value and honor yourself. Striking back at him only reduces your self worth.

cr995

I really like that saying. I 'll try to remember it.