justletgo

Hi All,

I'm new to this website and am just looking for some words of wisdom and stories of faith. I've read a lot of threads on this website, and while I think that much of it is valid and accurate, it seems like all of the stories and anecdotes are about the "bad"/failures of recovering alcoholics in relationships and almost none about the "good"/successful ones.

I recently met a RH online and we have been dating ever since. He has been out of rehab since May. Don't worry, I am fully aware of the "year" rule and such, but at this stage that is something that has already been thrown to the wind. Because we are long distance, it is in some ways not in the same vein as a normal intimate relationship would be with an RH. Don't get me wrong, we are definitely committed, but because we don't see eachother every day at this stage, we are able to grow on our own; he is able to work through his processes and I am able to live my life as well. My concerns and questions are based merely on wanting to understand him better without always bothering him about it because I know he can't even explain some of it at this stage.

In the beginning, he would tell me all the time what I meant to him and even our first few dates/weeks together would be very affectionate and sweet. After that small period of time, it was like he realized how invested he was and could become in me and has been less affectionate and forthcoming with how he is feeling about us, and has drawn back. I know he cares a great deal about me, and I'm wondering if it is typical to recede in emotional situations when you're recovering because they are so overwhelming. If so, does it get better?

He also has talked about moving into his own apartment (he lives with his parents currently) and also finding another job. When I've brought it up, he's not really said much about it. Other times, he's mentioned career moves and such. I made a comment recently in response to something he said about being busy at work and we will "see what comes" (as in for the future). I made a comment, something like, "well sometimes you have to make it happen because it won't just come to you" or a similar sentiment. He said he didn't want to talk about it, but then said he apologized for snapping and that it was just something he needed to figure out on his own. I'm not quite sure what more I can do besides be there for him if he needs to talk about it (which is what I said) or if there is more I can/should do to support him or push him to find a job that makes him happier.

I know that was a mish-mash of information, but I'm just looking for anything here. I'm new to this type of situation and anything might help. Thanks!

dollydo

You do not have the power to control him, push him in one direction or another.

I don't know what recently means and since you have a long distance relationship, you really don't know what he is doing, what his actions are. You are only hearing his words.

Honestly, I'd back off, don't get too involved, he has a difficult journey ahead of him and really doesn't need to be dealing with the stress of a committed relationship.

I wish you the best.

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR. I highlighted this above because I think its important to note that "success stories" here tend to be of a different flavor - they are stories of success by people who have reclaimed their lives out from under addictions - be it to substances, behaviors, or people.

As far as successful relationships after sobriety - there are some folks on this site who have been able to get past the addiction and thrive in recovery, but not many, and it really follows the patterns IRL. Not many relationships make it past the damage done by an addict.

That said, I am curious as to why you would want to pursue this relationship with someone who is obviously in a state of transition in his life? That's a hard foundation to build a relationship on, even without the addiction issue. And I think his withdrawing from you is a sign that even he is struggling under the weight of it all - housing, job, girlfriend, oh yeah, and staying sober! Yikes, makes me stressed just thinking about it.

PohsFriend

If you read through my prior threads you'll get a sense of what it has been like for me falling in love with an alcoholic and working through the first year. If that wasn't enough stress, throw in a pregnancy :-)

So far we are a success story. Since I put my foot down and kicked her out last Christmas we've gone through two lapses, one of which I caught immediately and one that I learned of ten weeks after it happened. It has not been easy.

That said, it has forced me to start working through the twelve steps in alanon which are the same as the twelve steps in AA. That seemed crazy since I am not the alcoholic but I get it now, the steps are all about overcoming our own guilt, resentment and issues so that we are balanced and sane - alcoholics benefit because it helps to lessen the problems they used alcohol to escape. For the rest of us, realizing and addressing our own crud makes us more understanding and slower to judge so both parties are actively working toward a better life.

When my wife got pregnant two months into sobriety (ok, it seems I helped!) I was realllly conflicted because I knew enough to see the potential for disaster. I decided that if u was going to move forward then I would be all in. I can't say I did not know better - I made a hard choice to take a hard path so I can't whine about it ;-).

I regret nothing and an glad I did not run from this. I adored my wife when she was a mess and live her more all the time as she recovers and I do too. So I'd tell you to just be friends for a while if you arrived here having just met him. But it makes no sense to address the situation you are long past - you have already fallen for him so lets talk about where you are....

I would recommend that you take warning from all the negativity here but keep it in perspective - those who've made it don't spend much time here, those of us fighting for a good outcome or healing from a bad one hang out here.

I would recommend al anon - at least ten meetings.

I would recommend not pushing him to make changes at your pace. Congratulate him on what he does do right and keep one foot out of the pool until you see what he chooses to do of his own volition. Most of us here are fixers who realized the hard way that alcoholism can only be fixed by the alcoholic.

Finally, you need to take an honest look down the road. I love good wine and good bourbon but I don't drunk around my wife and our social life revolves around her AA group. I drink maybe once per month now when away and only in small amounts. Alcohol is everywhere, if he has to stay away from it, could you do so as well without resenting him for it?

Diet are 372 days in, have had a few bumps but I am very happy that I took the chance. If she loses her battle and alcohol wins a day from now or ten or twenty years from now I won't regret anything because I chose this knowing the risks and right now I have an awesome baby boy and a beautiful, happy, sober wife.

Today is a good day, I don't fret about the future or let the past full me with fear.

Good luck to you!

justletgo

PohsFriend,


This is EXACTLY the type of post that I needed to read. It was hard enough trying to sum up what I was saying in less than like, a million words, let alone explain how much I care about my boyfriend. Things are going really well, and I've been fully aware since before I even met him (we met online) that he was an alcoholic. I honestly can't explain it, but through our messages and after meeting I literally just...knew. I would say I knew I was going to be with him (forever) but because I've thought I felt that before, I'll stray. Instead, I will say I knew I was supposed to be with him for as long as God would allow us to be.

The emotional withdrawl I was trying to explain is more of a combination of his personality AND the fact that he is trying to figure out where he is emotionally, and I am well aware of that. I am also well aware of what an affectionate and compassionate guy he is, so I have the utmost faith that it will get better day by day, month by month, year by year. I also am enamored by him as a person, his values, his strength, his humor, and his heart. I honestly am just in love with him and as you said in your post, wouldn't regret it not working out because I've already learned so much about myself through dating him.

I've really tried not pushing him, as you said, and I think I've done a pretty good job. The new job/moving out things will come in time, when he is ready, and I can accept that. I do accept it. I'm in the process of figuring out what the best way to be there for him is, while making sure I'm not being suffocating.

As for Al-Anon, I have looked into meetings and plan on going to one soon. I'm not too sure how much vestment I will put into it, but I definitely want to go just to see what it is like and take something from it. As for the drinking thing, I don't drink that much and would only do it when he is not around. Even then, it is not often at all. I spent the entire weekend at his family's house and his brother and Dad had a few beers, and he was fine. I really think it is almost helpful too, because that will always exist.

Anyways, I really appreciate your post. That's exactly the kind of response that helps while still relating to the positivity of my thread. I think you're right about the negative people that linger here; it's hard to find a place to express how you're feeling in this situation where you won't get that type of response. Any other sentiments are welcome, and thanks again!

justletgo

Thanks! That helps put things into perspective. Everyone has challenges, ups and downs, and off days. A's just have them more often early on.