MythOfSisyphus

Where I am it's 12:45 am, leaving about an hour and a quarter to buy alcohol. I have to admit that three months into sobriety, tonite I'm staring down last call. Like a football team nursing a 1 point lead with 2 minutes left, I'm trying to just dig in and run out the clock.

The cause is stupid. It's good news, it's terrible news, and it really doesn't make any difference any more. Time to put the past to bed and move one. It really doesn't matter.

I've told countless people here the same things- your problems will follow you, drinking won't help, you'll have the same problems only you'll have the added problem of being drunk. Funny how it's so obvious when we tell other people, but not so obvious when it's us!

Just gotta put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Keep walking til I can't. Even when it seems there's no reason to, if for no other reason than we often can't see the forest till we've walked a fair ways from the trees.

No one should be worried, I'm just venting to the Universe. The Universe generally doesn't listen and certainly doesn't care, sometimes we all just need a witness.

Delilah1

I am sorry you are having a tough time tonight, hang out here for the next hour and a quarter!!

MythOfSisyphus

Thanks. I don't even want the drink. I just want what I used to get from it- nothing! Sometimes I miss just time travelling forward out of a time that sucks into the next day.

BritishGent

Morning! Where I am it's 7:13am and I have just woken up in a blind panic about the silliest of little things! 10 minutes on calming myself down and now I am ready to face the day! But the main thing I am glad of is I didn't wake up hungover or everything would have seemed 10 times worse!

Keep strong!!!

shockozulu

This is a hard time of night for me too. I'm here with you.

MythOfSisyphus

Thanks everyone. I'm just angry and frustrated. I'm sitting around and my day off it tomorrow. School is starting in a week and I don't want to go back. I'm just a semester from my B.S. but I just want it to be over. If only I could time travel and skip over the next year and get on to the next thing.

Another 40 minutes give or take and it won't matter. I could drink a box of wine right now pretty easy. I know it won't improve matters at all. Sometimes I don't care. Unlike some folks, I'm not getting clean to see my children grow up or salvage a relationship. Occasionally it occurs to me that it doesn't much matter what I do one way or another, in the grand scheme of things.

Sorry, just ranting. I can generally handle dealing with my AV, but unfortunately I have an "NV", or Nihilistic Voice. It's always rattling around in my head.

Right now I don't really want to talk about the specifics. I just go some news tonite that isn't sitting well with me. There's no good reason for it, nothing I can do about it. I just have to learn to sit back and let the Universe go about its business.

Dee74

sorry for your bad night MoS....I bet you'll be glad you stayed the course tomorrow tho

D

MythOfSisyphus

I really need to just do a CBT exercise. I know (intellectually) that once I process this, three days from now I'll look back and see it was nothing to me. My world isn't materially different than it was yesterday except in my head. Got to let it go.

shockozulu

I can't recommend that tool highly enough. I saved mine for years and still learn from early recovery.

Cleopatra1

hey,,, mth,,, ive just woke up,,, sipping me coffee,, and i too have panicky moments,,, the universe is a strange entitiy,,, but only of our making,,,
im here if you wanna vent , rant ,, or just simply be,,, take care hun,,,, we all need to share and we all need to be heard sometimes, x lv cleo xxxxx

Cleopatra1

dee, i love yr new profile piccie,,, ahh the fab four,,,, my hubby is from liverpool,,,, the best folk around,,,, well , thats wot he says anyway lol xxxxx
xxxx

Dee74

Tantrums (and I use the term non judgmentally) are fine - most of us have them...but when a tantrum can affect what you're doing a week, or a month from now, I think we need to take a breath, step back...and see how close we are to the precipice.

It's ok to not want to go back to school and to be upset, scared, or ticked off over that...but it's important to find a healthy way to deal with that whatever it is feeling you're feeling.

It's natural to want to run away from some stuff...if you're like me, you've been running away most of your life.

It's about new decisions and new pathways...sometimes a real run (or hobble in my case) can do wonders, for example...

D

MythOfSisyphus

Camus wrote that the absurd comes from the need for meaning and order in a universe that doesn't care about us at all. The dichotomy between the way we want the world to behave and the way it actually does drives us mad. Me especially. It takes a lot of effort to accept that the world is largely out of my hands. Guess alcohol is a haven for control freaks.

Cleopatra1

mthy i love yr thinking,, even tho my spelling is terrible,, and my grammar bad,, i know wot yr on about !!
we can change the universe for it is just us,, we are all one,,, watch "bill hicks revelations",,, dude he knew wot was going on,,, hehehe ,,
"its just a ride man ,,, its just a ride " xxxxxx
chin up hun,,, lv cleo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MidnightBlue

Hi, MythOfSisyphus. Sorry to hear you feel like that.

Sometimes our own thoughts, contemplating about meaning of life, reflections can be too heavy burden to carry. I'm control freak myself, alway give a thorough contemplation to everyting that happens in life. Sometimes it helps to take a "stand off" position, not to push it, not to try to find answers right now, today. Tomorrow will be new day that often brings new vision of the situation and new power to deal with it. The hardest thing is to let it go for a while, even for a day. It's not weakness, it's more like alternative way to find a solution.

I sometimes compare these feelings with driving in heavy traffic. You can plan when you need to change the lane, to take a turn, etc., but after all you just follow the speed of the flow and watch out to drive safely.

I don't know, if this all makes any sense at all.

Keep the faith, tomorrow will be a better day. Take care.

BritishGent

I am with you on that one, I am starting to discover CBT and what really speaks to me is just letting go of the need to try and control every aspect of life. So much is out of our control apart from the way we react.

MythOfSisyphus

Well, even the fiercest storm has an eye, and at the center the winds are calm. I'm still here, still sober, and it was just a moment in a sea of moments. Life is no better or worse than it was yesterday, and tomorrow is another day.

Thanks for the assist everyone.