Are all alcoholics abusive or are some just withdrawn and quiet?
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Are all alcoholics abusive or are some just withdrawn and quiet?
It seems like all the stories on here are of a lot of abuse? My story is so different although he was physically abusive to my kids when they were little and that's where we have a lot of problems now that they have grown up and are angry....wow weird I was writing this because I thought we didn't have abuse then realized YES we did but it was so long ago my mind plays tricks on me to forget it all and deny it happened.Because he try's so hard to be the nice guy but manipulates still behind the scenes.I am so confused and my mind keeps flipping like a light switch.
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Originally Posted by Tellmenolies 
It seems like all the stories on here are of a lot of abuse? My story is so different although he was physically abusive to my kids when they were little and that's where we have a lot of problems now that they have grown up and are angry....wow weird I was writing this because I thought we didn't have abuse then realized YES we did but it was so long ago my mind plays tricks on me to forget it all and deny it happened.Because he try's so hard to be the nice guy but manipulates still behind the scenes.I am so confused and my mind keeps flipping like a light switch.
I deal with psychological abuse & major major manipulation. I've stayed (my choice too) but it's making me grow weary. I'm dangerously close to a long-term pity party and refuse I stay in a hole.
I hope I am strong enough to back up those words! I'm so tired.
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A great book is "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People" which goes into great length about covert aggressive manipulation tactics. None of what I went through with XABF would be considered "abuse" to me, he never tried to blame me for anything, never laid a hand on me, never yelled at me, but I felt like he might as well hit me when he became withdrawn. It was passive-aggressive manipulation. I also realize his other behavior, though it appeared on the surface he was merely hurting and scared, was aggressive, just really well concealed - playing the victim and servant/martyr, rationalizing, denial (lying), etc.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
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The ones ive seen are either abusive to others physically or emotionally
Or they just abuse themselves.
I remember a quote.
There are different types of drunks...some are happy drunks..some
Are sad drunks some are angry drunks.
All alcohol does is take the thoughts and feelings onto the surface.itll amplify all things.
Im a giggly drunk ...you could always tell when I was getting tipsy because I giggled and got real happy. Love everyone type of mood.
Normally on the inside I am a happy person and so it amplified my happiness in a loud way.(not that you
Cant feel other emotions while drunk but in general I find this to be true)
So abusive alcoholics?....already have if not a profound amount then a subtle one
Of demonating and brutal feelings/thoughts that are amplified.
Does that mean sober they will still be abusive? Not in my opinion...not always. Most or some yes.
However intoxication takes away inhibition and amplifies thoughts and feelings adding a person who is
Not able to cope emotionally who has prolonged alcohol abuse...makes it even more volatile.
Or they just abuse themselves.
I remember a quote.
There are different types of drunks...some are happy drunks..some
Are sad drunks some are angry drunks.
All alcohol does is take the thoughts and feelings onto the surface.itll amplify all things.
Im a giggly drunk ...you could always tell when I was getting tipsy because I giggled and got real happy. Love everyone type of mood.
Normally on the inside I am a happy person and so it amplified my happiness in a loud way.(not that you
Cant feel other emotions while drunk but in general I find this to be true)
So abusive alcoholics?....already have if not a profound amount then a subtle one
Of demonating and brutal feelings/thoughts that are amplified.
Does that mean sober they will still be abusive? Not in my opinion...not always. Most or some yes.
However intoxication takes away inhibition and amplifies thoughts and feelings adding a person who is
Not able to cope emotionally who has prolonged alcohol abuse...makes it even more volatile.
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Location: Midwest, USA
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My AH was a mostly withdrawn and sadsack drunk. He hid it well enough that I didn't usually know he was wasted.
In hindsight, however, he kept to himself as long as I didn't ask any questions about him, what he was doing, and how much he'd been drinking. Any questions or demands that I had that would interfere with his drinking would bring a hell of emotional abuse on me, ranging from freezing me out, silent treatment, stomping around the house, slamming doors, arguing, lashing out, accusing me of crazy things, accusing me of being just like my mother, mocking me, making fun of my pain, blaming me for all his problems, and other wildly manipulative stuff. There were even a couple of suicide attempts that were basically designed to make me back off him and my questioning.
These events weren't every day, so it became easier and easier for me to excuse them, partially because somewhere deep down I realized that if I left him alone and dealt with everything that needed dealt with on my own, that he wouldn't lash out at me. I was the frog in boiling water. His alcoholism became dependent on me not asking questions, managing the household, and leaving him alone. Eventually I did.
Alcoholic or not, was any of this behavior acceptable? No.
In hindsight, however, he kept to himself as long as I didn't ask any questions about him, what he was doing, and how much he'd been drinking. Any questions or demands that I had that would interfere with his drinking would bring a hell of emotional abuse on me, ranging from freezing me out, silent treatment, stomping around the house, slamming doors, arguing, lashing out, accusing me of crazy things, accusing me of being just like my mother, mocking me, making fun of my pain, blaming me for all his problems, and other wildly manipulative stuff. There were even a couple of suicide attempts that were basically designed to make me back off him and my questioning.
These events weren't every day, so it became easier and easier for me to excuse them, partially because somewhere deep down I realized that if I left him alone and dealt with everything that needed dealt with on my own, that he wouldn't lash out at me. I was the frog in boiling water. His alcoholism became dependent on me not asking questions, managing the household, and leaving him alone. Eventually I did.
Alcoholic or not, was any of this behavior acceptable? No.
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When my RAH relapsed last summer he was fun - yes fun. Funny, in a great mood, made me wish he wasn't an alcoholic so he could drink.
Then one night......Not so much. He went into a rage. That was the beginning of quitting again.
So not all are abusive but it would seem that regardless of verbal or physical abuse living with an alcoholic is tormenting to those who have to deal with it.
Then one night......Not so much. He went into a rage. That was the beginning of quitting again.
So not all are abusive but it would seem that regardless of verbal or physical abuse living with an alcoholic is tormenting to those who have to deal with it.
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Originally Posted by h00ped
A great book is "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People" which goes into great length about covert aggressive manipulation tactics. None of what I went through with XABF would be considered "abuse" to me, he never tried to blame me for anything, never laid a hand on me, never yelled at me, but I felt like he might as well hit me when he became withdrawn. It was passive-aggressive manipulation. I also realize his other behavior, though it appeared on the surface he was merely hurting and scared, was aggressive, just really well concealed - playing the victim and servant/martyr, rationalizing, denial (lying), etc.
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My opinion - if you want to over-generalize, I believe that some form of mental abuse (also called emotional or psychological abuse) in any close relationship with an alcoholic.
Definition: A consistent and chronic pattern of maltreatment that is causing significant distress, interfering with a person's ability to develop healthy and stable patterns of relating to others.
This is why recovery programs like AlAnon are so important. Sometimes people in relationships with alcoholics can break the pattern of abuse by simply developing those missing healthy and stable patterns. These would be the alcoholics that people generally label "non-abusive" - but do not discount that there was still a form of abuse, even if the perpetrator is not "abusive".
That said, the alcoholic takes on all forms, from abusive to withdrawn to the life of the party - and sometimes the same person will bounce between two or several depending upon what will serve them best at the time. One size fits one.
Definition: A consistent and chronic pattern of maltreatment that is causing significant distress, interfering with a person's ability to develop healthy and stable patterns of relating to others.
This is why recovery programs like AlAnon are so important. Sometimes people in relationships with alcoholics can break the pattern of abuse by simply developing those missing healthy and stable patterns. These would be the alcoholics that people generally label "non-abusive" - but do not discount that there was still a form of abuse, even if the perpetrator is not "abusive".
That said, the alcoholic takes on all forms, from abusive to withdrawn to the life of the party - and sometimes the same person will bounce between two or several depending upon what will serve them best at the time. One size fits one.
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My AH was happy the first year we were together. Hindsight tells me he was trying to stay in control while in my presence. Then the next year, he was happy/sloppy with his cavalier attitude while drunk. He was having a more difficult time hiding his drinking problem. Then, this last year, he got defensive/sloppy/angry. I literally watched him go from a happy drunk to a mean ass jerk who made me realize that just because I'm his wife, it doesn't matter.
My God, my husband, the man I love would never hurt me, call me out of my name or do awful things to me. But this last year, he found himself deep into the bottle, and all bets were off! I found that my best option was to remove myself and dogs from the home and away from him because I don't know who that man is.
When I told him that I would leave and he'd start the New Year alone, he stopped. He's been sober since 12/09/12 when he called off work and I flipped out on him at 2:30 am while I was at work. I saw red that night and he knew it.
My God, my husband, the man I love would never hurt me, call me out of my name or do awful things to me. But this last year, he found himself deep into the bottle, and all bets were off! I found that my best option was to remove myself and dogs from the home and away from him because I don't know who that man is.
When I told him that I would leave and he'd start the New Year alone, he stopped. He's been sober since 12/09/12 when he called off work and I flipped out on him at 2:30 am while I was at work. I saw red that night and he knew it.
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My XAH was never abusive. In fact, he really didn't do anything. Just occasionally changed chairs. Bump on a log. Wouldn't get a job, wouldn't help out, wouldn't really do anything. Oh, well, occasionally he'd take the riding lawn mower and drunkenly drive it over crap in the yard and break it again. But the farther he progressed, the more he withdrew.
I left. But it took me waay to long to do so.
Every alcoholic is different, and I felt weird posting here at first because there wasn't any abuse. I controlled the finances, I paid the bills, I took away his credit cards, I made the decisions. But still, it was no semblance of a partnership.
I left. But it took me waay to long to do so.
Every alcoholic is different, and I felt weird posting here at first because there wasn't any abuse. I controlled the finances, I paid the bills, I took away his credit cards, I made the decisions. But still, it was no semblance of a partnership.
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My RAH was never abusive. He'd drink until he either passed out or stumbled off to bed. He's an introvert in general and that didn't change when he drank.
I think that's part of the reason we've stayed together; I'm as quiet and introverted as he is.
I think that's part of the reason we've stayed together; I'm as quiet and introverted as he is.
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My AF was a get drunk and pass out drunk. Never mean, never abusive, never really anything but a snoring mass in the recliner. Never a father. Until he found recovery & WORKED it.
My AW was a pass out & check out drunk for many years. Whoa is me attitude. Everyone is against me. No one will help me. Nobody loves me. Everything is my fault. Everything is (fill in the blank's) fault. Then somewhere along the way she changed. She started lying , cheating & sneaking around. She would talk to boyfriends on the phone in front of me with a kind of evil look on her face & began to be mentally abusive. Took advantage of me as much as I let her. It was a difficult road trying to make our 18 year relationship work. I had to try & try until I knew there was no hope for us left so I could walk away with the peace of mind I gave it every chance. Had I stayed, it would have continued to escalate. Even now in the middle of a divorce I can see she is a completely different person. Very manipulating & vindictive. Hard to believe how far it has gone.
So my answer, from my experience, is no, they aren't all abusive, but yes they can turn out that way.
My AW was a pass out & check out drunk for many years. Whoa is me attitude. Everyone is against me. No one will help me. Nobody loves me. Everything is my fault. Everything is (fill in the blank's) fault. Then somewhere along the way she changed. She started lying , cheating & sneaking around. She would talk to boyfriends on the phone in front of me with a kind of evil look on her face & began to be mentally abusive. Took advantage of me as much as I let her. It was a difficult road trying to make our 18 year relationship work. I had to try & try until I knew there was no hope for us left so I could walk away with the peace of mind I gave it every chance. Had I stayed, it would have continued to escalate. Even now in the middle of a divorce I can see she is a completely different person. Very manipulating & vindictive. Hard to believe how far it has gone.
So my answer, from my experience, is no, they aren't all abusive, but yes they can turn out that way.
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Location: Long Branch, NJ
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My XAH was abusive, but my best friend was not, not that she could have done much to anyone--she was only 4'11", lol. Her manipulative tactic was to play dumb and lie about everything. She would make up these incredible stories to cover up her drinking, and what was simply amazing was that she even though she COULD cover up her drinking. Everyone knew.
For example, one day she must have fallen, and she had a big black and blue and a scrape on her face. There was a little one-car-wide lane that went to the street where the house was that we rented (she was living with my daughter and I for a time while she was having cancer treatment--when treatment finished, she promptly started drinking again.) She told me that she was out in the driveway and a black woman (small town, predominantly white population) came up to her and told her to stop using the little road, punched her in the face, and walked off.
There was no black woman and no one punched her. She fell, and she had to make up a story to cover her injuries. These types of things happened all the time. It was bizarre.
For example, one day she must have fallen, and she had a big black and blue and a scrape on her face. There was a little one-car-wide lane that went to the street where the house was that we rented (she was living with my daughter and I for a time while she was having cancer treatment--when treatment finished, she promptly started drinking again.) She told me that she was out in the driveway and a black woman (small town, predominantly white population) came up to her and told her to stop using the little road, punched her in the face, and walked off.
There was no black woman and no one punched her. She fell, and she had to make up a story to cover her injuries. These types of things happened all the time. It was bizarre.
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