Boyfriend said he doesn't care if he dies
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Boyfriend said he doesn't care if he dies
About 2 months ago my boyfriend relapsed after exactly to the day 5 months. He overdosed that day. Since then he hasn't been going to nearly as many meetings as before and has been using up until yesterday. Someone once to me there's nothing I can do about his addiction that the only thing I can do is love him and I'm finally doing that. I stopped fighting with him to get clean I just decided to make him know I love him and I'm here for him but he's gotta get it together because I don't know how much longer I can keep watching him slowly kill himself.
I recently herd him speak at a meeting and I had no idea he felt how he does. He said he doesn't care if he lives or dies any more and there's not much in his life he cares about right now. It broke my heart hearing him say that. So my question is how can I make him feel important? I don't want him to feel that way but I don't know what to do or say to him.
I recently herd him speak at a meeting and I had no idea he felt how he does. He said he doesn't care if he lives or dies any more and there's not much in his life he cares about right now. It broke my heart hearing him say that. So my question is how can I make him feel important? I don't want him to feel that way but I don't know what to do or say to him.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Welcome to SR, Amber. I'm sorry you're going through this with your boyfriend. Addiction is pure evil and we are no match for it. I think you are doing all that you can do at this point. You're offering him your love and support. I would just ask that you not do this at the expense of your own physical and mental health.
It sounds like your boyfriend is in a pretty bad place right now. Is he currently seeing a counselor? That may help him deal with the disappointment of relapse.
Do you have anyone you can talk to? It's hard to watch someone you love so very much just self-destruct and even sadder to see them lose all hope. I'm glad you're reaching out to us now! Think about attending an al-anon or nar-anon meeting and about seeing a counselor.
Please remember that you did not cause his addiction, you can not control his addiction, and you can not cure his addiction. Others will be along to offer words of comfort and advice.
(((Amber915)))
It sounds like your boyfriend is in a pretty bad place right now. Is he currently seeing a counselor? That may help him deal with the disappointment of relapse.
Do you have anyone you can talk to? It's hard to watch someone you love so very much just self-destruct and even sadder to see them lose all hope. I'm glad you're reaching out to us now! Think about attending an al-anon or nar-anon meeting and about seeing a counselor.
Please remember that you did not cause his addiction, you can not control his addiction, and you can not cure his addiction. Others will be along to offer words of comfort and advice.
(((Amber915)))
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi Amber,
I know it must have been heartbreaking to hear your boyfriend admit these feelings, but it is a good sign that he is opening up and talking about it with his group. A couple things to keep in mind; if he has just went through a relapse it is common for there to be overwhelming feelings of failure, guilt. It may seem overwhelming for him to pick himself back up and try again. Also, a lot of drugs (or withdrawal from them) can cause actual depression which could be attributing to those types of feelings. My husband has had good results in his recovery by working with a professional therapist. So if your boyfriend has this option, then you might encourage him to give that a try.
It sounds like you are being of great support to him. I think you are on the right track in reaffirming the good things in his life, the positive qualities that you see in him, and just letting him know you are there and that you love him. My therapist suggested a book to me that I have found very helpful. It basically teaches positive reinforcement techniques you can use when interacting with your boyfriend. (Get Your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening by Robert Meyers). The concept is supported by the Smart Recovery Family Program (Self Management and Recovery Training). I will attach links to their site if you’re interested in checking it out. (This method is also supported by this Sober Recovery site).
Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention
SMART Self-Management And Recovery Training - Powered by vBulletin
You are also correct. Many people become very ill watching the ones they love struggle, and suffer with their addiction, health issues. What I used was individual therapy for support, leaning on my family and friends, and making sure I had balance in my life so I wasn’t overcome with worry and stress every minute. Please be sure to take care of your health; think of it like when you are on an airplane and they tell you in case of emergency; to put the air mask on yourself first and then help others. Its just what you have to do in order to remain healthy, strong and grounded.
Will send up a prayer for both of you.
I know it must have been heartbreaking to hear your boyfriend admit these feelings, but it is a good sign that he is opening up and talking about it with his group. A couple things to keep in mind; if he has just went through a relapse it is common for there to be overwhelming feelings of failure, guilt. It may seem overwhelming for him to pick himself back up and try again. Also, a lot of drugs (or withdrawal from them) can cause actual depression which could be attributing to those types of feelings. My husband has had good results in his recovery by working with a professional therapist. So if your boyfriend has this option, then you might encourage him to give that a try.
It sounds like you are being of great support to him. I think you are on the right track in reaffirming the good things in his life, the positive qualities that you see in him, and just letting him know you are there and that you love him. My therapist suggested a book to me that I have found very helpful. It basically teaches positive reinforcement techniques you can use when interacting with your boyfriend. (Get Your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening by Robert Meyers). The concept is supported by the Smart Recovery Family Program (Self Management and Recovery Training). I will attach links to their site if you’re interested in checking it out. (This method is also supported by this Sober Recovery site).
Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention
SMART Self-Management And Recovery Training - Powered by vBulletin
You are also correct. Many people become very ill watching the ones they love struggle, and suffer with their addiction, health issues. What I used was individual therapy for support, leaning on my family and friends, and making sure I had balance in my life so I wasn’t overcome with worry and stress every minute. Please be sure to take care of your health; think of it like when you are on an airplane and they tell you in case of emergency; to put the air mask on yourself first and then help others. Its just what you have to do in order to remain healthy, strong and grounded.
Will send up a prayer for both of you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by amber915 
About 2 months ago my boyfriend relapsed after exactly to the day 5 months. He overdosed that day. Since then he hasn't been going to nearly as many meetings as before and has been using up until yesterday. Someone once to me there's nothing I can do about his addiction that the only thing I can do is love him and I'm finally doing that. I stopped fighting with him to get clean I just decided to make him know I love him and I'm here for him but he's gotta get it together because I don't know how much longer I can keep watching him slowly kill himself.
I recently herd him speak at a meeting and I had no idea he felt how he does. He said he doesn't care if he lives or dies any more and there's not much in his life he cares about right now. It broke my heart hearing him say that. So my question is how can I make him feel important? I don't want him to feel that way but I don't know what to do or say to him.
I recently herd him speak at a meeting and I had no idea he felt how he does. He said he doesn't care if he lives or dies any more and there's not much in his life he cares about right now. It broke my heart hearing him say that. So my question is how can I make him feel important? I don't want him to feel that way but I don't know what to do or say to him.
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us.
My initial reaction after I was done reading your post was two things. The first thing was you really shouldn't go to meetings with your ABF. The second thing was I'd be very, very careful interpreting what he says in meetings.
If you're to have a separate, healthy life away from him, you can't go to his meetings. It's not your place, and it only strengthens a codependent bond.
As far as comments like he doesn't care if he dies, to my eyes and ears, that smacks of self pity and manipulation. Please do not think I'm insensitive to how you're feeling, because I am quite sensitive to it. But I've also heard comments like this in the not-so-distant-past, and when I've heard comments like this, they are usually said to illicit pity from others or to distract from the fact they're behaving poorly.
As you spend time here, you'll understand where I'm coming from when I say something like that. I encourage you to read the sticky notes at the top of our home page, and I encourage you to read as many of the posts as you can. I would also encourage you to attend an Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting local to your area. You need to take care of you.
Best,
ZoSo
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Originally Posted by amber915
I've been wanting to go to a nar Anon meeting I'm just scared to go by myself and I didn't know if it was parents of addicts mostly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by zoso77
Amber,
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us.
My initial reaction after I was done reading your post was two things. The first thing was you really shouldn't go to meetings with your ABF. The second thing was I'd be very, very careful interpreting what he says in meetings.
If you're to have a separate, healthy life away from him, you can't go to his meetings. It's not your place, and it only strengthens a codependent bond.
As far as comments like he doesn't care if he dies, to my eyes and ears, that smacks of self pity and manipulation. Please do not think I'm insensitive to how you're feeling, because I am quite sensitive to it. But I've also heard comments like this in the not-so-distant-past, and when I've heard comments like this, they are usually said to illicit pity from others or to distract from the fact they're behaving poorly.
As you spend time here, you'll understand where I'm coming from when I say something like that. I encourage you to read the sticky notes at the top of our home page, and I encourage you to read as many of the posts as you can. I would also encourage you to attend an Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting local to your area. You need to take care of you.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 11
amber915
I went to my second Nar Anon meeting yesterday. honestly i was and still get nervous. public speaking was never my strength. But when i listen to the stories i find strength in others solutions, and find comfort that i am not alone in what i am going through.
i found myself trying to plan what i would say but when my turn came i found it came naturally. like its something that needs to occur and no matter how nervous i was, i feel a sense of liberation speaking around people who can really understand.
i am new to this, but i believe if/when you go to a Nar Anon meeting you will find that you are not alone.
I am a husband of an addict wife and i was not alone.
I went to my second Nar Anon meeting yesterday. honestly i was and still get nervous. public speaking was never my strength. But when i listen to the stories i find strength in others solutions, and find comfort that i am not alone in what i am going through.
i found myself trying to plan what i would say but when my turn came i found it came naturally. like its something that needs to occur and no matter how nervous i was, i feel a sense of liberation speaking around people who can really understand.
i am new to this, but i believe if/when you go to a Nar Anon meeting you will find that you are not alone.
I am a husband of an addict wife and i was not alone.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by amber915
Thank you for your input i really do appreciate it. However i go to meeting with him to support him. That's the only way I know how to. On the rare occasions he talks to me about his addiction or how he feels inside I never know what to say to him so I don't say anything. I personally don't think he made that comment out of self-pity because his friend once told him he was afraid of getting a call that my bf was dead and my bf told him he knows and he's content with it. When this was said I was not there and I might not have even been dating my bf his friend just told me that.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"Thank you for your input i really do appreciate it. However i go to meeting with him to support him."
That's why he goes to meetings, for direction and support. This is his issue to resolve, if you want to help and support him, work on you, go to Naranon meetings, read Codependent No More, the stickeys at the top of this forum, and cynical one's blogs. This is
a very tricky disease, one that defies all logic.
As for his proculation, addicts say all kinds of nonsense. In early recovery, they have no ability to know how they feel, their minds are mush. Watch his actions, his words mean nothing.
Learn all you can about addiction, this is a disease that has no cure, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program or not...that's it.
That's why he goes to meetings, for direction and support. This is his issue to resolve, if you want to help and support him, work on you, go to Naranon meetings, read Codependent No More, the stickeys at the top of this forum, and cynical one's blogs. This is
a very tricky disease, one that defies all logic.
As for his proculation, addicts say all kinds of nonsense. In early recovery, they have no ability to know how they feel, their minds are mush. Watch his actions, his words mean nothing.
Learn all you can about addiction, this is a disease that has no cure, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program or not...that's it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by dollydo
"Thank you for your input i really do appreciate it. However i go to meeting with him to support him."
That's why he goes to meetings, for direction and support. This is his issue to resolve, if you want to help and support him, work on you, go to Naranon meetings, read Codependent No More, the stickeys at the top of this forum, and cynical one's blogs. This is
a very tricky disease, one that defies all logic.
As for his proculation, addicts say all kinds of nonsense. In early recovery, they have no ability to know how they feel, their minds are mush. Watch his actions, his words mean nothing.
Learn all you can about addiction, this is a disease that has no cure, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program or not...that's it.
That's why he goes to meetings, for direction and support. This is his issue to resolve, if you want to help and support him, work on you, go to Naranon meetings, read Codependent No More, the stickeys at the top of this forum, and cynical one's blogs. This is
a very tricky disease, one that defies all logic.
As for his proculation, addicts say all kinds of nonsense. In early recovery, they have no ability to know how they feel, their minds are mush. Watch his actions, his words mean nothing.
Learn all you can about addiction, this is a disease that has no cure, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program or not...that's it.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Dollydo is so right. The best thing I could have done was stay out of my husband's recovery and work on my own. Today, I couldn't even tell you how long he has been clean for, where as in the beginning I was probably counting days and hours.
Loving an active addictive is beyond painful. Please make sure your keep yourself, your needs and core values as your main priority.
Loving an active addictive is beyond painful. Please make sure your keep yourself, your needs and core values as your main priority.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Dear sweet amber!
Life as a woman in love with an addict and being the mother of his two sons is, has been one of the most painful journeys I have ever embarked upon! It has also been one of the most freeing life changing experiences as well. I have seen the anger in my sons, myself and my addict. I have seen the devestation it brings. The heartache, the chaos and sure madness. The frustration and sadness. The ups and downs (emotions). The deception, the infeldelity, denial and lack of support. The selfishness, manipulation and disappointments. These are just a few of the things that are part of the package of active addiction.
I did not understand this nor could I accept it at first. I thought if I loved him more, supported him more, had sex when ever he wanted for as long as he wanted he would stop. Or he would not want to use. Truth is each time I gave in the name of helping him or pleasing him was another piece of me I lost. I had no idea who I was, what I was and what I felt, except for love and the desperate need to make him stop. The fear of him using or cheating consumed me. I was determined to do anything in my "power" to "control" this baffling disease. I sacrificed my friends, my wants and needs and peace and happiness to make a difference. Why, because I did not know to do anything different. I had no knowledge of addiction and its "power". I did not know I was "powerless" over this monster that had the love of my life by the depths of his soul.
I went to al anon to get help for him.... I soon discovered I need just as much help as he did if not more. I worked on me and asked the God of my understanding to give me the courage to change what I could and accept what I could not and the wisdom to know the difference! Im so greatful for the help and support I get from going to meetings getting myself a sponsor and learning how to live and let live.
I have new tools today to live my life by taking care of me which is the best support I could ever give my addict loved one. Sometimes, alot of times it felt uncomfortable and awkward. I felt like I was abandoning him, by taking care of me and trusting my God to take care of him. I either trusted God or I did not. The growth and changes in my life are amazing! I still have alot to work on in me but its a process. One day at a time, one step at a time. I still have struggles and want to revert back to the old me, but today it feels uncomfortable to go there. Once I let go and let God and let it begin with me and kept the focus on me, is when I began to experience peace in my life weather he was using or not.
I encourage you, the loving, caring person you are to learn about you and the grips of addiction. It effects us too. We need to heal and maybe heal from our childhood if there were alcoholics or addicts in our life. We don't know how to do anything different until we learn a different way to live. Al anon or nar anon, same foundation and principals, can teach you how to take care of you in ways you never even knew you needed to. This program will if your wlling, can change your life if you let it.
Prayers and loving support for you and your loved one!
Life as a woman in love with an addict and being the mother of his two sons is, has been one of the most painful journeys I have ever embarked upon! It has also been one of the most freeing life changing experiences as well. I have seen the anger in my sons, myself and my addict. I have seen the devestation it brings. The heartache, the chaos and sure madness. The frustration and sadness. The ups and downs (emotions). The deception, the infeldelity, denial and lack of support. The selfishness, manipulation and disappointments. These are just a few of the things that are part of the package of active addiction.
I did not understand this nor could I accept it at first. I thought if I loved him more, supported him more, had sex when ever he wanted for as long as he wanted he would stop. Or he would not want to use. Truth is each time I gave in the name of helping him or pleasing him was another piece of me I lost. I had no idea who I was, what I was and what I felt, except for love and the desperate need to make him stop. The fear of him using or cheating consumed me. I was determined to do anything in my "power" to "control" this baffling disease. I sacrificed my friends, my wants and needs and peace and happiness to make a difference. Why, because I did not know to do anything different. I had no knowledge of addiction and its "power". I did not know I was "powerless" over this monster that had the love of my life by the depths of his soul.
I went to al anon to get help for him.... I soon discovered I need just as much help as he did if not more. I worked on me and asked the God of my understanding to give me the courage to change what I could and accept what I could not and the wisdom to know the difference! Im so greatful for the help and support I get from going to meetings getting myself a sponsor and learning how to live and let live.
I have new tools today to live my life by taking care of me which is the best support I could ever give my addict loved one. Sometimes, alot of times it felt uncomfortable and awkward. I felt like I was abandoning him, by taking care of me and trusting my God to take care of him. I either trusted God or I did not. The growth and changes in my life are amazing! I still have alot to work on in me but its a process. One day at a time, one step at a time. I still have struggles and want to revert back to the old me, but today it feels uncomfortable to go there. Once I let go and let God and let it begin with me and kept the focus on me, is when I began to experience peace in my life weather he was using or not.
I encourage you, the loving, caring person you are to learn about you and the grips of addiction. It effects us too. We need to heal and maybe heal from our childhood if there were alcoholics or addicts in our life. We don't know how to do anything different until we learn a different way to live. Al anon or nar anon, same foundation and principals, can teach you how to take care of you in ways you never even knew you needed to. This program will if your wlling, can change your life if you let it.
Prayers and loving support for you and your loved one!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Oh and Amber, my loved one did not choose recovery. He tried for a few months and then went right back where he left off and it got worse, as it does. I had to leave, as it was no longer safe for our sons or me to live in the home of an active addict. I was angry when I left and it took a long time to let go of that anger but I finally did. Another freeing moment in my life. I continue to go to al anon and I don't live with an addict. We tried to reconcile but even though he tried, without a recovery program he was unsuccessful and using was still a choice he made for his life. I can not live with active addiction. My choice. As painful as it was the pain of active addiction was worse, and we parted ways again. This time I was not mad. Sad, but accepted that was his choice to live his life like he wanted to. I can not even have contact, took a couple months to get there. I choose to end contact because it was all about him, and what he wanted when he wanted it. Not about his kids or me ever. He wanted me to make him feel better about himself and sucked the life and love out of me and then would disappear, until he needed a fix, me! My emotions and heart were so cought up in him that I had a hard time not being sucked in. So I had to stop contact with him, until, if he chooses to get real recovery. Because until then he is all about him and using. Not just drugs but people. I pray for him and still love him and have difficult days where I miss him terribly... but I know how to take care of me and putting myself in contact with an active addict is not taking care of me.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Amber
Welcome to SR. There are so many people here who have years of experience with addicts in their lives. You can learn a lot from them if you keep an open mind.
The absolute best thing we can do for the addicts in our lives is to educate ourselves on addiction and codependence. There are some great books to read but a couple that come to mind are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self Deception" by Abraham Twerski.
The journey with an active addict is a very tough one. And there are a lot of basic truths that are extremely hard to swallow:
Addiction is progressive. Left unchecked it will result in jail, institutionalization, or death.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Consequences are important for the addict and codependent.
Love does not cure addiction.
If we (the people who love addicts) are there making everything easy for them, fixing their mistakes, soothing their feelings, minimizing their behavior, lying for them, believing everything they say, not taking care of ourselves first, and the list could go on and on......we are actually helping them remain in their addiction.
They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. We all lay a lot of bricks down on that road before we begin to understand.
Stick around. Read. Keep an open mind. Learn. And ask questions. But the absolute most important thing you can do for yourself and your boyfriend is......take care of you first and establish strong boundaries.
Take what you need and leave the rest.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR. There are so many people here who have years of experience with addicts in their lives. You can learn a lot from them if you keep an open mind.
The absolute best thing we can do for the addicts in our lives is to educate ourselves on addiction and codependence. There are some great books to read but a couple that come to mind are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self Deception" by Abraham Twerski.
The journey with an active addict is a very tough one. And there are a lot of basic truths that are extremely hard to swallow:
Addiction is progressive. Left unchecked it will result in jail, institutionalization, or death.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Consequences are important for the addict and codependent.
Love does not cure addiction.
If we (the people who love addicts) are there making everything easy for them, fixing their mistakes, soothing their feelings, minimizing their behavior, lying for them, believing everything they say, not taking care of ourselves first, and the list could go on and on......we are actually helping them remain in their addiction.
They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. We all lay a lot of bricks down on that road before we begin to understand.
Stick around. Read. Keep an open mind. Learn. And ask questions. But the absolute most important thing you can do for yourself and your boyfriend is......take care of you first and establish strong boundaries.
Take what you need and leave the rest.
gentle hugs
ke
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