another try
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 171
another try
Hello, here iam again ,this time for good , ive been drinking heavily for 20 years ,2-3-40's /week ,throw in some beers to change things up . A few years ago i was sober for 8 months ,then Xmas came around and i thought i could moderate . I have had spurts of 17 days and 19 days this year before relapsing .Iam currently on day 5 .I havent had a drink since the 27th , I was on this site reading posts all nite last nite ,sober new years.I do feel great this morning .Something is different this time around ,I feel disgusted with my behavior over the last few years of drinking ,i turned from a fun loving drunk to ******* drunk , the dents and holes in my walls and doors prove that out , i throw things ,smash toasters and lite sockets among other things , I chase away anybody that cares for me .I sit on my coach and drink till i pass out watching TV ..Im just tired of it all .My bank account is taking a beating ,behind on bills, i had to shuffle about 3 payments and take out money from one of my CC that is almost maxed just to try and make my mortgage payment , surprisingly i still have my house ...Im done with alcohol for good . I spent easily $500/month on alcohol and I also gamble when drinking. I can relate to so many of the stories i read yesterday ,i have my eyes welling up right now,this site is of great help to me .iam going to stick with it this time for good ,make it through this month financially ,save my $500 for next month and start taking steps forward alcohol free
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Welcome back! You knew we would be waiting. We were. Glad you rejoined us wounded healers. Hope you post more than two posts in four years plus this time. I find the most support by supporting others as well as posting my issues. Balance.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 171
Yes , after my 8 month.s of sobriety, ive been fighting a internal fight within, wanting to quit again then not wanting to quit , now i realize all im doing is killing myself ,going broke and losing everything i have fought hard to get in my life ..i cant just have a few after work ,its all or nothing , ive always been somebody with good credit and paying my bills on time ,these last few month's ive been late . ive had people start crying to me in the morning about what i told them the nite before ,i had zero recollection of what i said? ithought everyting was cool?..my drinking is the worst it has ever been..plus my feet are getting numb and i get the pins and needles at nite for the first week of not drinking,this cant be a good thing..if this isnt the time to stop for good then there probably wont be another opportunity.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
You sound determined this time, junk. I had a similar meltdown right before I quit. I was horrified enough at my behavior to make it stick (after many false starts over the years). I'm at almost 5 yrs. now, after 30 drinking. So I know you can do this! 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 171
Ive been to 2-3 weeks before recently ,so i kinda know what the next weeks will feel like,im past the tough first 3 days,for me anyways .I found the first 3 days rough.
When I got to 17 and on another occasion 19 ,I was feeling pretty good , I had that spring out of bed every morning and my days at work went smooth and fast.
why i threw it away those occasions can only be chalked up to being a dumbass..I remember waking up and staying in bed, cursing myself ,hating myself ,telling myself i was worthless ,and believing every word
Alcohol has made me so selfish. all i care about is me. Lot of healing in order,by me to others ive said absolute horrendous things to. Ive turned into my Dad. I always told everybody that i would never become him,I would be a happy drinker,started out that way. Now my Dad is staring back at me in the mirror.
When I got to 17 and on another occasion 19 ,I was feeling pretty good , I had that spring out of bed every morning and my days at work went smooth and fast.
why i threw it away those occasions can only be chalked up to being a dumbass..I remember waking up and staying in bed, cursing myself ,hating myself ,telling myself i was worthless ,and believing every word
Alcohol has made me so selfish. all i care about is me. Lot of healing in order,by me to others ive said absolute horrendous things to. Ive turned into my Dad. I always told everybody that i would never become him,I would be a happy drinker,started out that way. Now my Dad is staring back at me in the mirror.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
It's about time. It was now or never for me too. I would be dead by now had I not stopped over two years ago. If I live another ten years I'll be both surprised and tickled because of how much I have drunk and my three pack a day smoking habit for forty plus years. If you are in your forties or younger you are timing it just right. If you wait for your fifties or sixties it is much harder to get over and heal up. I did everything available until I was back on my sober feet again. But this was my last time too. And I made it so. With a little help from my friends.
You can too. Stick to that committment to make this time for good. We have better things to do than go through a revolving door of relapses. There is a life to be built, and we are the architects. Design it well and it will stand a long time. It is never too late.
You can too. Stick to that committment to make this time for good. We have better things to do than go through a revolving door of relapses. There is a life to be built, and we are the architects. Design it well and it will stand a long time. It is never too late.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 171
sorry guys ,when i joined back in 2008 i was nowhere near committed to quitting , in my mind i was king of moderation, and this was a place for people with problems, not me..I cant remember that far back in my liquid state but it was probably after i made a complete jerk out of myself, ive been lurking for years at various sites , I guess that means deep down I knew i had issues way back then? I wasnt ready then . .I actually had no clue i was even a member since 2008 ? ..if i had the inner strength back then maybe i couldve done something with that 25 thousand ive easily spent since then ..
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