Does any one else do this??

Old 01-01-2013, 09:41 AM
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Does any one else do this??

Often times, I feel like if I say something positive to a friend like - Oh, I am doing great, things are really going good....I am "jinxing" myself.

I can even remember when I was younger - I would tell myself that "tonights party or event was going to be boring" - then I would know that I would have a great time. If I "expected" a great night, it was usually a bust...which often seemed the case for a night like New Years Eve.

Or...I know I am not going to get that job, then I would get it.

It is the complete opposite of positive thinking. It's like I have trained my brain over the years to have low expectations so great things would happen. And it worked.

In some ways I am afraid to have positive thinking because I am afraid to be disappointed and hurt!

Does anyone understand this thinking??
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Old 01-01-2013, 12:08 PM
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Absolutely I understand this thinking. I did very much the same thing pretty much my whole life (which is waaaay too long to be thinking that way). People kept telling me "have no expectations" or "let go and let things happen as they will". I thought they were suggesting the impossible......for me anyway. It has taken me a very long time to rearrange my thought processes and I still fall right back into that distorted thought process from time to time. But when I do it well (have no expectations), I am neither surprised nor disappointed, elated or angry, etc. It just is.

I've finally realized that this is what "living in the now" looks like. I experience what I experience when I experience it. Do I plan? Sure. Do I have contingencies? Sure. Do I screw up? Sure. But when done well.....it feels pretty darn good......

So yes......I do understand that thought process and it is a very very very hard habit to break and a very easy habit to fall right back in to.

I'm still learning.........

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Old 01-01-2013, 12:16 PM
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I try to remember the saying "As you think, so you go."

If I stay positive, if I think positive now without expectations but knowing I can handle the outcome either way, if I make my heart dance...life dances with me.

Things may work out or not, like the job thing. But life has taught me that I am being led to good things, so it's better to dance and enjoy the journey than sit in disappointment of not getting the job I wanted....because the job I eventually get will be so much better.

This dance is all about timing, patience and letting yourself be led. Soon as I try to lead, I step on my own toes...never fails...it ain't pretty.
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Old 01-01-2013, 12:21 PM
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TY KE (and LIW)

I was raised Catholic, schools and all. I have noticed that so many of my Catholic friends have the same kind of thinking - a "superstitious" type of thinking. That old "God will punish you or God must be punishing you" helped create some very unhealthy thinking for me. Guilt, shame, anxiety and more guilt.

Disclaimer - I am not bashing Catholicism, it just wasn't for good for me.
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Old 01-01-2013, 01:21 PM
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Hi LMN.
Maybe a sort of mix between the negative and the positive is the way to go.
I once read a book by a psychiatrist who was in a German prison camp for a long time.
He developed a system he called "paradoxical intention" whereby the opposite tended to negate what would be expected. For example a person giving a speech would will their heart to beat faster and in doing so, it would slow down.

Interesting! I think a PMA, while O.K. can be over rated and there is certainly a place for non expectations etc.............
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Old 01-01-2013, 01:46 PM
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hope for the best

prepare for the worst

expect the unexpected

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Old 01-01-2013, 02:22 PM
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This has been a lifelong struggle for me. When I was younger, I would tell people that I wasn't negative, I was just a realist. I know for sure that I'm afraid to think positively because I'm afraid I'll not be prepared for a negative event. My mind wants to explore all possibilities so that I will be prepared. I also am afraid to say something positive out loud. I'm one of those people who will "knock on wood," after I make a positive statement. I'm afraid that if I say something positively, I will be jinxed and something bad will happen.

In the past 10 years, I've been working on this. I try to think more positively. I'm still afraid to say positive things out loud.
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Old 01-01-2013, 03:25 PM
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expectations = disappointment

however, if you think negative thoughts then you could be attracting negative energies towards you. however if you just enjoyed whatever life throws your way, be it a party, friends coming over, organising a dinner, family, loved ones, a day at work...anything, if you just see it for what it is, and enjoy the good bits, and realise the bad bits are there for you to appreciate the good bits even more, then you dont have to go around trying to trick yourself into appreciating or jinxing the event.

i too am very guilty of trying not jinx something. its like if it turns out awesome, if not, then i expected it to turn bad and i cant be disappointed. but by doing that, i have been self sabotaging happiness. its a hard habit to break. but worth trying to. imagine just enjoying life for the amazing moments it brings, not expecting anything bad or good to happen, just appreciating all that is given to you.

my new years resolution. thanks LMN for reminding me about this.
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Old 01-01-2013, 03:34 PM
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Originally Posted by bluebelle View Post
This has been a lifelong struggle for me. When I was younger, I would tell people that I wasn't negative, I was just a realist. I know for sure that I'm afraid to think positively because I'm afraid I'll not be prepared for a negative event. My mind wants to explore all possibilities so that I will be prepared. I also am afraid to say something positive out loud. I'm one of those people who will "knock on wood," after I make a positive statement. I'm afraid that if I say something positively, I will be jinxed and something bad will happen.

In the past 10 years, I've been working on this. I try to think more positively. I'm still afraid to say positive things out loud
.
YES!!!!!!! I am going to have to talk to my therapist about this topic.

My husband has always been very positive. And yet, he was the one who became addicted to pain pills????

Just the other day, he was telling about this big sale he made. I "questioned" it further (because I know the business too) and the sale was not complete. I asked him "why do you always count your chickens before they are hatched? He said "Honey, you have to think positive." I said "But you "jinx" yourself every time." He lost the sale to a lower bidder!! He just laughs and says "You can't win them all." Then he made a bigger sale and said "Its complete!"" lol
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Old 01-04-2013, 03:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Jody675 View Post
however if you just enjoyed whatever life throws your way, be it a party, friends coming over, organising a dinner, family, loved ones, a day at work...anything, if you just see it for what it is, and enjoy the good bits, and realise the bad bits are there for you to appreciate the good bits even more, then you dont have to go around trying to trick yourself into appreciating or jinxing the event.



imagine just enjoying life for the amazing moments it brings, not expecting anything bad or good to happen, just appreciating all that is given to you.
I like the way you think. Thanks for the positive ideas.

I know the routine of avoiding positive expectations, fearing further disappointment and sadness.
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Old 01-04-2013, 04:20 AM
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LMN,

Yes I have had that same experience! It use to happen quite often when my sons were younger! I would mention how healthy my kids were. It was always in conversations with someone that experienced alot of sicknesses with their kids. I would almost be bragging, and was proud of the fact that my kids were so healthy and they were, but I kinda felt like it was a reflection of my mothering skills, abilities! Yikes! Pre my recovery process! Then with out fail my kids would get sick! Weird! I learned to just bite my tounge about my kids good health! This happened several times. I figured it out to say nothing when I felt the urge to "brag" about their health!

Looking back after learing about me and my motives, I realized I did not do that to hurt anyone or be mean I just needed to stroke my ego I suppose! As for today my sons are 15 & 17, I have developed a understanding of being humble. And have learned to accept what was ment to be or not to be. And have found that even if I want something really bad or Im hoping for something, I just am very limited on my conversations with others. I take it to God and say okay if its your will? That helps me stay balanced and keeps the words out of my mouth to others "simple". And my expectations at a low level.

I try to keep a positive outlook and attitude and one of acceptance. What ever is going to happen will and turn it over to God as best I can! So I don't have to many of those experiences today! But back in the day I did.....
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Old 01-04-2013, 04:28 AM
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I just read your post again! And yes the part of thinking I may not have a good time and end up having a great time! I guess for those instances, for me its a matter of I just don't know what is ahead of me and as much as I would like to think I can predict things I can't! Sometimes I may be right on and not enjoy a movie or event! But I guess I just think oh well what ever happens happens! I may be pleasantly suprised or somewhat disappointed.... but that's life! We just never know! just go with the flow, and hope for the best but know that it could be a bust! Lol
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Old 01-04-2013, 05:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Jody675 View Post
enjoy the good bits, and realise the bad bits are there for you to appreciate the good bits even more.
Precisely. Such as when I get really sick. I feel horrible. Then the day arrives when I realize I feel so much better. It makes me appreciate my good health more which I don't think would happen if I always felt well. Being able to do simple tasks that were horrendous to do when sick is now such a joy for me to do--such as cleaning house (I hate to clean my house). The bad times make me appreciate the good times even more is my experience.
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Old 01-04-2013, 05:32 AM
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Then there are the times when something really good seems to be in the horizon and I express it out loud and it all falls out (my expectation). I remember nearly a year ago when my RAS was coming out from under one of his relapses. He seemed to be having a spiritual awakening and I was hopeful for him. What happened is my expectations were getting ahead of life experiences. He was then and still is awakening spiritually but I wanted him to get from A to Z without going through all the letters in between. That's not how life is. We all have our own journey and we can't speed the process up as much as we'd like to do so. We get frustrated and disappointed. Living in the now really is the way to go. Don't dwell on the past, the future is not here yet--all we have is this moment we are experiencing.
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Old 01-04-2013, 07:02 AM
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kmangel
Then there are the times when something really good seems to be in the horizon and I express it out loud and it all falls out (my expectation). I remember nearly a year ago when my RAS was coming out from under one of his relapses. He seemed to be having a spiritual awakening and I was hopeful for him. What happened is my expectations were getting ahead of life experiences. He was then and still is awakening spiritually but I wanted him to get from A to Z without going through all the letters in between. That's not how life is. We all have our own journey and we can't speed the process up as much as we'd like to do so. We get frustrated and disappointed. Living in the now really is the way to go. Don't dwell on the past, the future is not here yet--all we have is this moment we are experiencing.
Beautifully stated. Our anticipation (expectations) can certainly backfire. Learning how to experience a milder form of anticipation (simply looking forward to something rather than playing out the fabulousness of whatever it might be in our noggins ahead of time) is so much better.

I've really been working on not dreading or getting overly excited by pre-living any event. It makes the actual event MUCH less dreadful or MUCH more enjoyable when it actually happens.

Unfortunately this pre-living of events is so common for most of us. We tend to think the worst (the addict is going to DIE if I don't do XYZ)....we play out all of these different scenarios.....and it's like living them even when they haven't happened! The misery is there. And as for getting overly excited about an upcoming event......we've already lived it in our heads and experienced the over-the-top joy.......no wonder the actual event is a let down!

Learning how to live in the now is the coolest thing I've ever done for myself....better than a new outfit.......better than a new hairdo or mani-pedi. lol

gentle hugs
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Old 01-04-2013, 12:14 PM
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KM Angel, perfectly put
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Then there are the times when something really good seems to be in the horizon and I express it out loud and it all falls out (my expectation). I remember nearly a year ago when my RAS was coming out from under one of his relapses. He seemed to be having a spiritual awakening and I was hopeful for him. What happened is my expectations were getting ahead of life experiences. He was then and still is awakening spiritually but I wanted him to get from A to Z without going through all the letters in between. That's not how life is. We all have our own journey and we can't speed the process up as much as we'd like to do so. We get frustrated and disappointed. Living in the now really is the way to go. Don't dwell on the past, the future is not here yet--all we have is this moment we are experiencing.
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Old 01-05-2013, 05:40 AM
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Originally Posted by kmangel View Post
He seemed to be having a spiritual awakening and I was hopeful for him. What happened is my expectations were getting ahead of life experiences. He was then and still is awakening spiritually but I wanted him to get from A to Z without going through all the letters in between. That's not how life is. We all have our own journey and we can't speed the process up as much as we'd like to do so.
Well put.

I've prayed for my kids (AS and daughter) to embrace spirituality and have come to realize that it is just how you state above...we all have our own journey, etc.

It's helped me to recognize that it took me a long, long time to finally truly realize the importance of what my parents tried to impart to me when growing up - that includes spirituality and trusting and having faith in my HP. Sadly, it took experiencing the pain of loss and the state of grieving of both those living and those passed on to prompt me to take a second look.
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