4444lost

Im figureing out why I cant break this depression, Is he obliviuos to what his drink is doing to us or our marriage, me, my soul?I know I have told him what its doing to us, me, but is he playing me for a fool, or does he truly believe everything is O.K, even though I hardly smile when I am around him, I stay Quiet when we do have company,I had a joy of life but I lost it some where.why cant he see or does he and now is my time.

laurie6781

(((((4444lost)))))

I am sorry you have to go through this.

As to your question, I would suspect it may be his altered perception of reality
caused by the ingestion of all the alcohol. Way back when I was still a practicing
alcoholic I really had no clue how my disease was affecting my family and
friends. NOT even when they literally 'disowned' me. I went on my merry
way and moved across country to California.

There is denial in an A BIG denial. To this day, since I still work with A's I can
see how the alcohol and/or drugs have TOTALLY distorted their conception of
reality.

And I have to be honest here, it does not necessarily immediately go away when
the A STOPS drinking/using and seeks recovery. It is a process in recovery to
finally come to grips with ALL of the wreckage of one's past and what is really
going on in today.

Have you tried any Alanon meetings and/or some one on one therapy for you?
Unfortunately you cannot help or fix him, but you can help yourself and learn
some 'new coping skills' and/or figure out whether you want to stay or go and
protect your children.

We are here for you. We are walking with you in spirit. Please keep posting
and let us know how you are doing as we do care very very much!

Love and hugs,

thislonelygirl

444lost.

He cant see what it doing to you because he cant see what its doing to him.
He is an addict and they deny deny deny....its a tricky illness and until he sees it hurting him.
He cannot see it hurting you.

NYCDoglvr

In my experience, active alcoholics simply don't care what their words and actions do to other people. They place booze above all other people, it is their higher power, God, great love of their life. Unfortunately the people affected have two choices: accept it or leave.

cr995

Where he is now - he can't care. does not have the ability. Somebody has to care for you, you care for you. It never fails to improve things. Detach - help you. My sister always says to me ' put on your own oxygen mask on first, before attempting to help anybody else put on theirs'. I know it feels awful but that is the nature of the disease. Do you go to Alanon? It has helped me so much. I felt like you do but I feel much more hopeful now. As for feeling joy - Any day now !. I was depressed for years - I still take medication but I know now that as I heal the depression is lifting. Thanks to AlAnon and reading the literature. Co-dependent No more by Melody Beattie e.g At times I did not want to do it but then I thought - I have tried it my way for years and where did that get me? So give AlAnon a shot. ((Hugs))

ForeverOptimist

Consider this... in their warped thinking the fact that you are depressed means that you still care about the A - and he probably likes that. Misery loves company, after all. If you were able to detach and find happiness despite his behaviors, that would probably drive him crazy. For me, a turning point came when a therapist told me that I had given my AH the power over my happiness and I needed to take it back. I had never thought of it that way before, but she was right. Why was I willing to let him determine my happiness? I know sometimes in the middle of it all it is hard to see clearly -- especially when they seem to care so little for our feelings. Try to find some good support elsewhere (even here) so you feel less alone. ((Hugs))

Lulu39

I could accept my XAH drinking and using pot if that was all he did. However, when he was drunk, which was every single day, he would abuse me and the kids. I couldn't live with the abuse. I couldn't live with the fear he would "drunk cook" and set the kitchen on fire again. I couldn't live with the fact he would drive after drinking - and when he was gone much longer than he said he would be, I couldn't live with the fear of the cops knocking on the door to tell me he was dead or had killed someone else driving drunk; I couldn't live with seeing him every morning shaking and sick and phoning or emailing his work and lying "the kids are sick I have to care for them, I won't be in".

Now he is gone he is still lying and being sneaky and manipulative. All our friends believe that he left me because I was crazy. They have cut me off. The fact is I made him leave and loaned him money (which I know I'll never see again) in order to get him out.

He is trying to scr*w with my life from afar and sometimes succeeding which gets me furious. However, he is NOT in my home scaring me and the kids. He is not causing drama in my home. I am no longer waiting for the next disaster, the next lost job, the next DUI, the next crashed car, the next fire.
I have loads more peace.

ZiggyB

Maybe he does know but he doesn't care enough to stop...

I agree with those who said addiction changes your reality, his brain isn't working like a normal person's, all he cares about is getting his fix. My axbf knew that his drinking was making me miserable but had no intention of stopping so now I'm on my own.

The question is what are you going to do to help yourself feel better?

I hope you find some answers...

*hugs*

-z

Recovering2

I completely agree with ForeverOptimist. I learned from my counselor, that even though I was unhappy, negative attention was still attention in my AB's drunk mind. He still had me there in the misery with him. So I learned to detach from his behaviors. No matter what he was doing, I kept a safe distance emotionally. Hard at first, but it actually started to help. It took a little time for my AB to even notice I had detached. But when he did figure it out, he got angry for awhile! I didn't let that get to me either. With me detached, he didn't have anyone else to rely on and the walls started to close in on him. That's when he surrendered and went into treatment.

NYCDoglvr

For alcoholics their higher power, God, great love of their life is booze. This forum is full of depressing stories about alcoholics ruining the lives of families and friends around them. I've yet to see a posting about an alcoholic changing because they're hurting other people.

fourmaggie

please read the stickies....something there may jump out at you...