Randy32

So..after a month of my aexbf relationship ending ..I decided to write and apologize for my end. I hoped/ expected that he would acknowldege his.

not the case.

aside: he had been in a rehab program and thought he could " manage " his drinking. while we were together he had numerous episodes of drinking and dissapearing, waking up with the cops looking for him, passing out on the side of a highway and then driving his car, violence and missing big events in his life)...he wasnt an everyday drinker but when he would drink, he would drink himself into oblivion.the entire time we were together was a nightmanre. I was on the fence about whether or not to stay or go. So many times after his episodes he would beg and plead ( literally) to have me back after I would leave him. Untill the last time when he had his final episode and I wrote his brother to tell him that he was no longer my problem and I was washing my hands of him but was worried for his safety...It was this time that his brother got in contact with him and they discovered that they mutually share this same issue and each of their relationships are sufferng as a result of their drinking.

so this time he begged and begged and I heard about his brother and then I ( low and behold) took him back yet again, thinking this time he fnally realized it and grasped the severity of his troubles...

but then two weeks later he dumped me. citing that he could not handle " not being able to trust me" ( actually this was just him sensing me pulling away and not completely trusting )

so two months after the relationship ends I write him and apologize for my end of it. I acknowledge and validate, inspiring his insecurities, anxieties..foolishly hoping that he will acknowledge his drinking and apologize for the drama/ trauma of it all.

it is at this point that he says "how easy it was to let me go" because of some nasty comment I said to him when he broke it off. thorwing it back in my face and not taking anything into accountabilty.

This has messed me up and I live with this anger and it eats at me daily. his lack of accountabilty for the past summer has filled me with pure rage.

I took the petty road and during the holidays posted an advert on craigslist and warned people of his drinking and driving habits ( Knowing that it would get back to him...it did, not even 48hrs later) and a picture of his vehicle. I also signed him up for alanon meetings and newletters and filled his emails with spam. I also proceeded to text him " mothers against drunk drivers " msgs as well as low blow stuff to hit him in the jugular, like pictures of him when he was bombed with the caption " see how much of a loser you are" I just wanted him to know how gross and disgusting I thought he was. I wanted to mess with him.

sadly. I have gotten satisfaction out of ******* with him like this. taking the petty route. I accept that this is not the most mature apprach but I honestly have no idea how to rationalize this unjustice and allow this person to be so wreckless with my feelings. I felt tricked back into taking him back again, believing that he would change. and it was just a manipulation, because he didnt want to get dumped ( again) for being a drunk) so instead..he dumped me..after I took him back and he knew he had me..

the local police constable just called. and told me that I shoululd stop harrasing him. I told the constable I was just messing with him and that I was just angry.......he understood and just said let bigons be bigons. move on.

I dunnno anymore...He really got me. My anger towards him eats me deep. I know I have to let go and focus on me. I know he is not thinking about me. I just cant rationalize how I allowed someone to mess with me so much or how he can have no idea how severe his issues are..and acknowedg apologize..he literally moved on from our relationship a week afre with someone new. they are happy and have this amazing new life. seems like a facade.

I guess I went a bit crazy..I know this. I own it. so angry tho...how do you rationalize someone being so wreckless and irresponsible and having no concept of accountablity for this behavior???!

dollydo

"I guess I went a bit crazy..I know this. I own it. so angry tho...how do you rationalize someone being so wreckless and irresponsible and having no concept of accountablity for this behavior???! "

You don't, one cannot rationalize anything an addict does or says, you are wasting your time. Why not do something positive for you...get into therapy, IMO your anger and acting out require some attention. Anger serves a purpose for awhile, then like acid it will eat you from the inside out. Work on you, move on...he has.

May you find peace in 2013!

redatlanta

Revenge and vindictiveness are danger tools to play with IMO - more so with an addict or alcoholic who too many times aren't in control of the choices they make.

You can't make someone quit drinking and you can't MAKE someone accept accountability either. You can accept your own accountability - it was you who chose to give him chance after chance and it turned out the same way time and time again - now you are the one getting calls from the police - was this your intention? To get in trouble yourself?

There is no rationalization for allowing it to happen it is what it is, a MISTAKE, and we all make them. Forgive yourself for it and move on to greener pastures.

Carol Star

As a result of my growing up in alcoholism and marrying an alcoholic eventually I ended up at 50 yrs. old in therapy. Well, my great therapist told me to draw a circle and write victim on one side and judge on the other. Then she told me to get out of the circle. It was a conscious choice. It also helped to stop talking about the drama of life with the AXH. No contact also helped. I think I wore my friends out with all my drama and eventually needed to make lots of amends. Gratitude helps too- be greatful you don't have to spend 1 more day in the "ick."..Forget what he did. What was your reaction ? That is your part to work on. Run the circumstance through the steps......You are powerless over 1., 2., 3., and do something today that will get you back to serenity. You had a life before him. What made you happy back then ? I will go for a long walk in nature today. That gets me connected back to what matters and my HP. Alanon is a great place to vent- and boy I needed to vent back in the day when I was in the chaos/drama/breakup ca ca of XAH. Now 5 yrs. later I have to struggle to remember the ca ca.

Pelican

Were you under the influence when you did these things?

Momzo

Randy32, turn all of that negative energy into positive energy for YOU! Don't spend anymore time on a lost cause....live for yourself. Don't be angry with him. I know you are hurt, but addicts can't feel the way we do and there's nothing you can do about it. Live your life.

May 2013 be your year to grow and be happy! That's my goal!

ZiggyB

Randy,
You do need to find some productive ways of dealing with your anger... I agree vindictiveness is not going to solve anything but make you feel worse about yourself in the long run. Stop engaging with him and stop trying to humiliate him Therapy is a great idea, I have done it myself.

Katiekate

Randy, you are human, your feelings are valid.

Beleive me I had thoughts , when the unbelievable was thrown at me , to act out.

Under the anger, there is something under there that needs to be comforted is my guess.

Please, have compassion for yourself, rest, try to work toward letting go, you have been deeply wounded, don't wound yourself more.

Dont beat yourself up, just grow.

Do you have a counselor, or someone you trust that you can begin to get some of these feelings in the open.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Keep posting. Katie

Tuffgirl

Step 1: Acceptance that you are powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic.

Do you go to Al-Anon?

Honestly, I am glad to see you acknowledging this in such a fashion - I think that is a positive step in the right direction. Yes, it was immature and hostile, but you can make it right from this day forward.

Just leave him alone. Go to your own corner and deal with your own stuff. Resist the urge to stuff your righteous indignation down his throat. You know your truth - he is an addict and he isn't changing anytime soon. He behaved badly, he hurt your feelings, you are grieving, now is not the time to act on your emotions because they are not rational.

Prayers for a calmer and less angry new year. But in order for that to happen, you gotta let this go. Just. Let. It. Go.

Peace,
~T

Randy32

thanks for your thoughts everyone..

I recognize that I have acted out. But I have no plans to have this loser in my life anymore and Ill be perfectly honest..I know for a fact that he will not admit the turth to himself or anyone in his life. I have no interest in his friends, or friends of friends and we have very different social circles that any of that 3rd party information that comes back to me about my `crazy `behavior, I dont give a **** about.

It felt oh so satisfying to get a rise out of him. To get under his skin..to mess with him. to externalize that anger and have his new bf know that he definitely had some issues with alcohol. I know the truth of what happened.I was there!..Ive washed my hands clean.

sadly, sometimes the best way to let go is to get even.

Fandy

there is an old saying....."Living Well is the Best Revenge".

I think that you've dragged this on for almost 4-5 months, IDK you said "summer", thats a loose term. You really need to concentrate on yourself and YOUR future.....

"getting a rise out of him, messing with him and getting under his skin" is making you look like a crazy stalker.

I forgive people so I can move forward with my life, Karma usually handles the rest.

cr995

Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself. The positive thing about your actions is that you immediately saw that you should not have acted like this, unlike the A's who very rarely acknowledge the hurt they cause.

Read co-dependency No more by Melody Beattie. It helps us to understand why we feel the way we do. It's no wonder we end up acting crazy - anybody would after having to put up with what we have had to put up with. At the end of the day the revenge doesn't work because it's not really what we want - what we really want is to be apologized to and have our pain acknowledged by the A. I attend Alanon and it helps me a lot, now I have hope for the future, we all do - hang in there - ((Hugs)).

Carol Star

Let go or be dragged.- Zen Quote

ReflectingOnMe

It hurts to break up. It hurts that they don't care about us or about what they have done. Anger is one of the stages of grief and you are grieving. In the long run; I'm sure you dont want to be remembered as being spiteful. Unfortunately most As are charming (when they want to be)..he could easily turn your actions around and make it seem as though you were the issue.
It isn't instantly gratifying to be the better person, but it is long term. This is a safe place to vent. Peace be with you.

PohsFriend

I think his best chance at recovery is to stay far, far, far away from you and hope that you get help.

That you recognize that you have acted out is positive I suppose, but with your vicious name calling and gloating about hurting this person and enjoying it wow... That is sociopathic behavior and there is no excuse for it. You really should spend time getting some professional help. I say that with pity, not hostility. I know what it's like to deal with someone who enjoys hurting others for sport once they lose control of that person. You say he is an alcoholic, that would explain (not excuse) his behavior. Do you believe you have any disorders? If other people are good when they please you, losers when they do not and you are so enraged by their refusal to engage with you or say, feel, think what you instruct them to and then demonstrate a complete lack of empathy by gloating about your ability to cause them pain once they've gotten away from you there is a pattern there that couldn't be more clear if you held up a neon sign.

You are very frightening to me, I pray that I never experience the sort of psychological abuse you engage in ever again. I pray that you don't either - no matter how vindictive and cruel you may behave, nobody deserves that. Why not let him go? I promise you that the scars you've left will linger and you can smile that contented smile knowing that the scars you left will take a long time to heal from, getting away from the abuser is step one but don't worry, the rest takes years so you can take comfort in that.

Pelican

What is sad is the fact that you haven't let go OR gotten even.

You have displayed behavior that is unacceptable. Your unacceptable behavior can and may land you with a restraining order or worse. You have displayed the same characteristics as most active addicts:

Manipulation
Blame-shifting
Denial
Terminal Uniqueness

I know living with an active alcoholic husband made me a crazy woman. I also know I became an active alcoholic during the process.

That's why I asked: Were you under the influence when you did these things?

Fathom

Oh, the chaos and drama of dealing with an A! I can say now that I do not miss it at all! But, it's very clear to me my part in feeding the drama. Why do we do this? What benefit do we get from the drama? Adrenaline? Attention? Even negative attention feels better than being ignored, at least in the short term. But, this drama is toxic. It's marginally okay as cheap tv entertainment, but to actually live that way 24/7 is not only exhausting, but it is crazy-making.

Pelican's question about your sobriety at the time of doing all these things to your X seems very apropos. Not saying you were under the influence, but those actions were just as irrational as some of my XAH's behavior. Unexplainable, unpredictable drama making. I'm not saying that to judge you, but to point out that this disease of alcoholism has a profound effect on everyone surrounding an A, particularly those closest to them. This is why AlAnon and/or individual therapy is so important for us. We need help combatting our own behavior that feeds the drama. We cannot find peace in the middle of chaos.

Many good wishes for you, Randy.
Fathom

PohsFriend

Cr999 - loved the rest of your note but just wanted to comment on this piece.

If we act crazy it is 100% on us, we can't justify our own misdeeds by saying that someone ese drove us crazy.

I find it dangerous (for me) to rationalize my behavior by blaming it on someone else's misdeeds.


Two reasons:
1. If we want our partner to acknowledge their misdeeds it helps to set the example if we take responsibility for our own behavior first even when our list-o-crap is significantly shorter and less severe.
2. Having to put up with what we've had to put up with.... Well, we know one another's story and we've both dealt with ...plenty. Something that helps me think clearly is reminding myself that I chose to marry my beloved AW and chose to keep working with her to make things better one day at a time. Anything that happens in the future is something we choose to put up with, right?

Written words don't convey tone well and I want to make sure I am not sending out the 'well you asked for it' tone, to the contrary I am saying we are not victims, our A cant make us behave well or poorly, be happy or sad or be sane or crazy because we know that we can only control ourselves and we do al-anon and talk to our friends here to help us make and then own our own sane (on a good day) decisions.

Btw- you have to be driven crazy? Hell, I can walk there from here ;-)

BoxinRotz

So much DRAMA.

Lets say you find someone new and you go out on a date. You don't like them for some reason but they are like WOW! You my EVERYTHING! And you told them you didn't want to go out again and they did this to you with sex sites, spread you phone number all over bathroom walls and texted you dirty pics because you rejected them. How does that make you feel?

You need to let this go and be grateful you don't live with the insanity of having a significant other trash your reputation, take your bank acct for a one way ticket to hell and make you miserable every day of your natural born life with their selfish, destructive, deadly behavior.

Hey, I'm out of the candy coated version. JMO

onlyliveonce

I also understand the pure ANGER you are having. Mine doesn't acknowledge the hurt he's caused and continues to do nothing for or with our son. I had done the same to ine cause at the time it felt good to lash out and hurt him....but ya know what...he doesn't hurt and I still did anytime I talked to him so I stopped. I finally realized it had turned into almost an obsessive love and that could have really gotten me in trouble....I know this!!! So I stay away from him and don't contact him at all. Sometimes SILENCE says the most. After over 20 yrs. together I figure I've said all that needs to be said. He is 40 and moved in a 23 yr. old less than 24 hrs. later.....so this time I got it and I got it loud and clear. It's not good for me or my life to have him involved in anyway.....I slightly miss him but I keep remembering all the BS and lies that came along with him and that helps. He's an ******* plain and simple....didn't call our son for Christmas or his birthday....it takes a real kinda ***** to do that!! Anyway just stay away from him and make a new life for yourself without him. You really don't want to get in trouble with the law because you can't let him go......recognize.....not worth it