MiSoberbio

Hi folks, I'm writing because I need some support/perspective about what's going on with me. I've posted bits and pieces of my story here in the past few months, but here's how things are for me right now:

Last month, my "partner" (a word I use loosely now -- I have no idea if we really have an intimate relationship anymore) left the treatment community where he had been for over a year and basically went straight into the streets. Very quickly I needed to limit his access to me and deny him entrance to the apartment, so, of course, he blames me that he's living in the streets (the fact that he's consuming substances doesn't seem to enter in his mind as a factor in that). He has come to me a few times looking for food and money – we've been down that road a million times so I had to say "No" to everything, stating that I will only help him in his recovery.

Yesterday, he came here and said that he wanted to talk. I went down to meet him and when I arrived at the entrance, he was peeing in a corner. [I live in a moderately nice neighborhood for Buenos Aires standards, so it's not common for someone to be doing that around here.] I sat down and we talked a bit, with the first words out of my mouth being "Remember, I will not give you any money, so do not ask." Although he said that he wasn't consuming and was staying at a "friend's" place, EVERYTHING about him, from his torn clothes, his deeply tanned skin (it's summertime here), his sour smell, and his dispassionate manner all told me otherwise.

Now, I've been through a lot with him during these past 4 years, and I've learned a lot about HIS illness and my own. I personally feel like I've entered in my recovery and so there's a certain detachment that I've attained at this point (although I still have much to learn). I say this because, for the most part, I understand that he is in active addiction and that everything, EVERYTHING that he says and does right now is in order to obtain and consume substances. SO, as we sat there and talked, he turned to me suddenly and asked if he could go inside to use the bathroom to take a crap. Here on SR we all know that most addicts have problems with continence and other various issues related to bowel movements, and I imagined him losing it right there on the steps, so I said "Yes."

Once inside, he began asking me for money. We went round and round and round, and of course he started blaming me again for being in the street. I felt like such a fool for letting him inside and tried to remain calm in order to prevent any violence (which, thankfully, never occurred). After some time, I managed to get him out, and he asked me for money again once we were in the street. Again I said "No" and he eventually left... only to call me from a pay phone a few blocks away to say "Are you sure that you don't want to give me money? There might be something missing from your apartment if you look for it."

I looked around and sure enough, my grandfather's watch was missing... OK, so I learned yet another lesson, and experienced yet another method of manipulation. [Manipulation #436: Fake incontinence and threaten to take a crap in front of your loved one's apartment building.] I'm more angry with myself than with him – although he is responsible for his actions, he is very sick and doing what countless other addicts do. I should know better – I'm not a "newbie" anymore. For the past year he had been working on reaching recovery and things had been relatively "OK," but I know that what I am dealing with now is his "monster"... how much more I can take of this, I'm not sure, but I understand that the person most responsible for this particular event is myself.

SOOOOOO, here's the real reason for my post: as I've said, until recently he had been in a treatment community, and I hadn't experienced an episode like the one I just described for well over a year and a half. However, now I find myself thinking about him suffering, like I *want* it happen. It's a little like my obsessive thinking about his drug-taking from the past, but not as constant, and not as overwhelming. But it's still there: I see him getting attacked by others in the street; I see him getting really sick or seriously injured by consuming substances; I see him terrified and alone.

Intellectually, I understand that it comes from my anger, as well as from other issues related to MY illness, but I don't like it at all. Not only do I not want my mind colonized by such thoughts, affecting my concentration, but I don't want such negative things to occur (even though, of course, I am having these thoughts because there IS a part of me that wants them to occur).... Whether they happen or not is outside of my control – I don't want to be thinking about them and allowing the negativity to affect MY health.

I'm wondering if any folks here have experienced anything similar, and if anyone has constructive advice for me. Maybe terrible things WILL happen to my "partner," but I don't want to spiritually channel that energy into my life anymore. That's the old, codependent way, and maybe I'm just experiencing a flare-up due to his relapse (or whatever this is), but THAT'S the point: I shouldn't be allowing his illness to colonize me anymore.

Thanks in advance for your comments and observations. I understand that going 100% No Contact is an option that some may suggest, and it may become necessary, but right now I'm trying to allow some channel for him to reach out to me, because he DID choose to work on his recovery in a significant way in the past and I was the one who "accompanied" him... it's just that the reality for many addicts is that recovery is a multi-step process.

secondwind

Your writing made me have violent thoughts as well. So sorry that happened. Personal items are the worst to lose.

I don't have any personal experience with violent thoughts on others... wish i could offer some advice.

On a side note. Are you considering filing a police report?

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball

noanxtime

I don't know what to say other than your post is very touching and a bit sad but mostly for him. I think you used the perfect word in your closing passage DID choose... he's not working on anything now except the life of an addict.

Kindeyes

Someone used the term "surfing the urge" a while back regarding an addict riding out the urge to use. If they can just "surf the urge", it will pass like a wave. I think the same thing goes for us (as I believe that we are simply addicts of another breed). Surf the urge......these feelings will pass.

We become what we put our energies into......time to focus your energies on something....anything.....else. I find that when I begin to have obsessive (negative) thoughts, I need to do something to change the path of my thought processes. Exercise. Computer games. A movie. Coffee with a friend. Anything to change the course of my thinking.

gentle hugs
ke

Maylie

I'm sorry that once again your partner took advantage of your kindness.
I would have called the cops as soon as he called and basically told you that he
had stolen something from your house.

I think it is natural to have those kinds of thoughts. It might help to take a deep breath and close your eyes and just let your mind go blank for a couple minutes. It also helps me to write in a journal. I always feel better when I get all my feelings out on paper. It also helps to clean, go out, walk the dog, read a good book, watch tv... basically do anything that you enjoy. The busier we are the less time we have to dwell on our negative thoughts.

hello-kitty

Your choice of a "partner" is sad. He lies to you. He steals from you. He threatens you. He pees on the street in front of your house. By my definition, that is no "partner". He's using you. And abusing you. Yet you continue to allow it because you have hopes that he will reach out to you for help. You hope that he will change.

You cannot help him. Thinking that you can be a channel for his recovery or protect him from the consequences of being a drug addict on the streets is codependent thinking. You are not that powerful.

Have you give some thought as to what you would like your life to be like in 2013? If you don't want more of the same, it's most likely time to make some drastic changes in the kind of people and treatment you accept in your life. Consider setting some boundaries.

I am most sorry to hear about your grandfathers watch. That is just disgusting.

dollydo

"Thanks in advance for your comments and observations. I understand that going 100% No Contact is an option that some may suggest, and it may become necessary, but right now I'm trying to allow some channel for him to reach out to me, because he DID choose to work on his recovery in a significant way in the past and I was the one who "accompanied" him... it's just that the reality for many addicts is that recovery is a multi-step process."

I must admit that I do not follow your thinking. He just peed on the street in front of your house, then stole a watch from you and to add insult to injury, he called you to taunt you and you want to leave the lines of communication open? If your input and support of his recovery would had an impact on him...he would still be clean and in recovery, he is not.

To me, it appears that you are not done with him, you are still wanting him back in your life. If so, strap yourself in, you are in for one heck of a bumpy rollercoaster ride.

EternalQ

My concern is that you are spending lots of time thinking about what life must be like for HIM (since he turned his back on his recovery)...

.... rather than you spending lots of time thinking about how it makes YOU feel to be harassed, manipulated and robbed by him.

How DOES that make you feel?

Do you think you are addicted to your relationship with him?

zoso77

I did say things in anger to my then AGF. Horrible, horrible things, inexcusably horrible. Like I couldn't live with it type of stuff. I was at the end of my rope emotionally and just sick of the BS. It was then that I sought refuge in Al Anon, and through meetings and talking to one guy in particular, I was able to dial back that anger by a significant amount. Basically, I came to understand that giving myself license to be a jerk towards my AGF wasn't getting me anywhere and only hurting me, and that's really what it was...giving myself license. I wasn't true to my inner character. But by the time of her final betrayal of me, I was angry, but I really, really contained most of the ugliness that used to consume me. Progress not perfection, right?

In the wake of our relationship ending, the only way I could keep that anger under control and heal myself was to pray for her nightly. And I would say quietly during my prayers that while I no longer wished to have anything to do with her, I wanted her to be safe. She wasn't my problem anymore. I literally gave her over to God. And it helped me heal. I didn't have any love for her in my heart anymore. But what I had was compassion for her on a basic human level. I recognized she was very, very sick. It didn't excuse anything she did, mind you. But she was ill, and on some level, I wanted her to recover.

These days, my baseline attitude towards her is one of disgust. But I still don't want anything bad to happen to her. All of us are flawed, and all of us are capable of behaving poorly under the right set of circumstances. One of the most profound things I've ever read was something like...if we see ourselves in others, then how can we wish them harm?

Hope this helps.

ZoSo

MiSoberbio

I'd like to thank everyone who has responded so far. Your input has been very helpful. Zoso77, in particular, said some things that resonate deeply with how I feel right now – thank you.

I have drawn many boundaries throughout the process of my recovery (which is ongoing) and I have been sticking with them. I was even feeling a bit "good" about myself in regards to all that since this relapse began: I protected myself and let him do his thing.... but, he obviously found something to manipulate me with, and I was gullible. That I see very clearly.

I agree that his behavior has been abhorrent, but I continue to believe that he can return to work on his recovery. I don't see myself as capable of saving him, or fixing him, but I *was* trying to keep some minimum level of communication available so that he can reach out to me. Why? Because it worked in the past:*before he checked himself into treatment almost a year and a half ago he called me a few times and simply talked about what was going on, eventually asking me to bring him to the community that I had already arranged to receive him.

However, tonight I went to one of my Nar-Anon groups here and spent some time talking things over with a woman who is something like a sponsor for me. She helped me see that now is the time for 100% No Contact – with over a month of consuming in the street after a long period of abstinence, he is (more than likely) starting to reach levels of desperation that make it impossible for us to communicate in any real sense. He is lost in his hell and all I can do is let him figure things out. He can contact me when he's back in treatment, otherwise I don't have contact with him.

As far as the obsessive, violent thoughts are concerned, I will be surfing them, as suggested by Kindeyes. With no contact, I imagine they will fade away, as I continue to work on accepting my partner's illness and my own. I'll also continue with my own growth, and follow my own path. If it leads me away from my "partner," that's OK, but I won't view him as less-than-human or not "worthy" of my love, even if I maintain distance. He is very, very sick and needs help. I can't be that help, but I still feel that I will support him if he seeks recovery again in the future.

outtolunch

If you don't know, who does?

Does a partner lie, manipulate and steal?
How does addiction excuse these behaviors?

Would it hurt to seek out some counseling to help learn why boundaries are necessary, how to establish them and most importantly to stick to them because you are worth it.

He's living his l;ife as he sees fit to do. Are you?

outtolunch

My codependency is a disease of my own ego. I set myself up with the hopeful fantasy of being the hero- the one who could make a difference.

The biggest lies I have experienced are the ones I told myself.

Ann

As long as you remain in contact with him, he will do everything he can to take advantage of you. When you reach your "enough" point, it will stop.

It's up to you, you're the one in recovery. I really hope you can end the insanity and start living your life soon.

Hugs

MiSoberbio

I'm taking in everything that's coming my way, guys. It's good for me to hear what others with experience have to say... maybe these are the death throes of my codependence that I am going through right now.

Yesterday, he rang my bell at 4:30am. I was so groggy I instinctively answered – he had walked 3 hours across the city and wanted to sleep here. I wouldn't let him in, of course, and he was dumbfounded as to why. I said, "Aside from the fact that you are actively consuming and you already know that I won't allow that in my life, your stunt two days ago was really the last straw. You stole my grandfather's watch".... He was silent for a bit and then said, "I didn't know it was your grandfather's – I stole it only so that I could drug myself."

Just like that -- it was amazing to hear: a logic so twisted that I can only laugh when I think about it. It's too sad, too perverse for me to begin to understand.... He's tried to contact me a few times since, but I'm ignoring it all.

The hardest thing for me right now is accepting that he's gone – I mean the person that I once knew is no longer present. I know that deep inside he's become a prisoner, but I'm finally understanding that I must accept how he is NOW, that he may never break free of the hell he put himself into. It's the PROGRESSIVE part of the illness that I've denied for so long and that has made it so difficult for me to let go.

MLH2282

Perhaps you have such negative thoughts because you realized that his addiction has reached a new low point. I'm not saying it's okay to have those thoughts, but maybe a part of you thinks if something that negative happens to him, he'll hit his bottom.

Stealing is the hardest thing to understand. My AXBF stole from me to feed his addiction, and when I realized what he did, it shocked me to my core. I couldn't believe he stooped SO LOW, but then I realized the level of desperation his addiction drove him to. It's confusing, because I knew I couldn't blindly forgive his actions as a product of his addiction, but I also couldn't disregard his addiction as a mitigating factor. Ultimately, I acknowledged the fact that his addiction fueled his actions, not a specific malicious intent. However, regardless of his intent, he is still responsible for his actions.

It's difficult to understand that one thing, and one thing only, drives an addict, but it's true. I'm glad you decided to go no contact. When your partner is this deep into his addiction, the only thing you can really do to protect yourself and your property is to detach completely. It's clear you care about your partner and want to support him in his recovery, but sometimes the BEST thing you can do to aid in recovery is NOTHING.

I wish you strength. I know how difficult it can be to stick to a NC, but keep in mind that you are human. You have complete control over this situation, so it can be completely on your terms. I found that comforting after feeling so helpless for so long. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good support system, but even the strongest slip occasionally. Just don't let your slip turn into a fall.

Stick to your guns and trust your instincts.

MiSoberbio

Thank you, MLH. Your understanding and support helps me tremendously.

dollydo

"I know that deep inside he's become a prisoner."

And if you keep in contact with him, so too, are you. A prison with invisible bars, you hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand...put the key in the lock...and walk through the door.

You sound like a caring person, you've done all that you can for him.

I wish you peace and happiness in 2013.