Day One, I hope!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Day One, I hope!
Hi Everyone,
First, thank you all for being here. You have no idea how many times today/tonight I have looked between my car keys (to go get a bottle) and this forum and, so far, this forum has one.
I have been reading the posts here fairly regularly over the past several months but this is the first time I am doing it as someone who really does want to get sober. It is some scary stuff---this getting sober---but I am committed to it as I can’t lose any more of myself to alcohol.
My story:
If anyone shouldn’t be a drunk, it’s me. I watched my father die of alcoholism in my early twenties after losing his wife, his kids, a very prestigious job, and then just about everything else he owned. I didn’t take my first drink until I was in my freshman year in college and it made me so sick that I abstained for the next two or so. Then it slowly became a weekend a month partying with friends (I am originally from Philadelphia which has a very distinct binge drinking culture). Then it became that AND a couple of glasses of wine on the nights were I was “stressed.” By the time I was in my early 30s (about five years ago), I realized I had a full blown problem. I would “behave” all week and then come home and just drink from Friday night until Sunday night. Mondays were always a blur of horrible hangover and even worse shame. Sometimes these benders would go beyond weekends and go on for days and days. Up until last night, I have drank every day of the past year with the exception of when I was too sick or physically unable to get to alcohol. I never had DTs or withdrawal symptoms so I figured I was “fine.”
About a year ago I started drinking during the day on weekends and found I couldn’t stop. Then I started getting sick enough to require hospital visits (I often stop eating when I am drinking and destroy my stomach for days). I managed to maintain myself at various levels of functionality for years but I find myself thinking about alcohol almost non-stop. Will I be able to find some (I travel a lot internationally for my job and have even turned down assignments to places I knew I couldn't get booze)? I started grilling people about their alcoholic intake to see if they were “normal” or as jacked up as I was. This is what brought me here. I do not want to spend all of my time thinking about alcohol or have every relationship defined by it anymore.
Here are some of my fears:
1. Everyone around me is a drinker and that is no exaggeration. My biggest fear is my boss, who also happens to be a good friend and a highly functioning alcoholic. The last time I told her I wanted to stop she took it as a personal judgment on her drinking---and increased her efforts to get me to come out with her at night. I cannot lose my job. Has anyone else dealt with this one?
2. I am so confused by AA. I am not opposed to it and believe that my personality is one that would benefit from meetings. But how do I know which meeting or what level? Open or closed? To get a sponsor or not? I am not even sure where to begin… do I just show up? Call first? (Sorry I am so naďve about this process).
3. I am a professional writer and I spend a lot of time writing after I have been drinking. I am so afraid I am not going to be able to write anymore if I quit. Has anyone else dealt with this (from any field?)
I think I will start with that. I am so grateful to everyone here, thank you for getting me through this day. I will be staying with you this evening as well if that’s OK.
First, thank you all for being here. You have no idea how many times today/tonight I have looked between my car keys (to go get a bottle) and this forum and, so far, this forum has one.
I have been reading the posts here fairly regularly over the past several months but this is the first time I am doing it as someone who really does want to get sober. It is some scary stuff---this getting sober---but I am committed to it as I can’t lose any more of myself to alcohol.
My story:
If anyone shouldn’t be a drunk, it’s me. I watched my father die of alcoholism in my early twenties after losing his wife, his kids, a very prestigious job, and then just about everything else he owned. I didn’t take my first drink until I was in my freshman year in college and it made me so sick that I abstained for the next two or so. Then it slowly became a weekend a month partying with friends (I am originally from Philadelphia which has a very distinct binge drinking culture). Then it became that AND a couple of glasses of wine on the nights were I was “stressed.” By the time I was in my early 30s (about five years ago), I realized I had a full blown problem. I would “behave” all week and then come home and just drink from Friday night until Sunday night. Mondays were always a blur of horrible hangover and even worse shame. Sometimes these benders would go beyond weekends and go on for days and days. Up until last night, I have drank every day of the past year with the exception of when I was too sick or physically unable to get to alcohol. I never had DTs or withdrawal symptoms so I figured I was “fine.”
About a year ago I started drinking during the day on weekends and found I couldn’t stop. Then I started getting sick enough to require hospital visits (I often stop eating when I am drinking and destroy my stomach for days). I managed to maintain myself at various levels of functionality for years but I find myself thinking about alcohol almost non-stop. Will I be able to find some (I travel a lot internationally for my job and have even turned down assignments to places I knew I couldn't get booze)? I started grilling people about their alcoholic intake to see if they were “normal” or as jacked up as I was. This is what brought me here. I do not want to spend all of my time thinking about alcohol or have every relationship defined by it anymore.
Here are some of my fears:
1. Everyone around me is a drinker and that is no exaggeration. My biggest fear is my boss, who also happens to be a good friend and a highly functioning alcoholic. The last time I told her I wanted to stop she took it as a personal judgment on her drinking---and increased her efforts to get me to come out with her at night. I cannot lose my job. Has anyone else dealt with this one?
2. I am so confused by AA. I am not opposed to it and believe that my personality is one that would benefit from meetings. But how do I know which meeting or what level? Open or closed? To get a sponsor or not? I am not even sure where to begin… do I just show up? Call first? (Sorry I am so naďve about this process).
3. I am a professional writer and I spend a lot of time writing after I have been drinking. I am so afraid I am not going to be able to write anymore if I quit. Has anyone else dealt with this (from any field?)
I think I will start with that. I am so grateful to everyone here, thank you for getting me through this day. I will be staying with you this evening as well if that’s OK.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome ptcapote. We are so glad you joined the family.
Your story is not unlike mine. Except you are taking action in your 30's. I waited another 20 yrs. Be proud that you've come to this realization, and are determined to reclaim your life.
Have a wonderful new year.
You're off to a fantastic start.
Your story is not unlike mine. Except you are taking action in your 30's. I waited another 20 yrs. Be proud that you've come to this realization, and are determined to reclaim your life.
Have a wonderful new year.
You're off to a fantastic start.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Ptcapote
This has come up before but I can't for the life of me remember why or when. But I remember reading that Stephen King was worried about this when he got sober. Google 'sober writers' and I am sure you'll find some role models
I'd recommend calling AA first, only because that's what I did and someone very kindly met me before the meeting. It made it easier. They'll be able to advise you where's best to go too.
And I have a boss who encouraged me to drink. To be honest it feels like everyone does early on. You just need to stand your ground and keep going. I think sometimes it is just as hard for our friends and family to accept the new sober us as it is for ourselves, except they haven't had the preparation we have. And yep, all the big drinkers will see it as you holding a mirror up to their habits. This isn't your problem. Just look after yourself and eventually friendships will sort themselves out. Remember though, that no one can fire you for being sober! As much as your boss doesn't like it she can't criticise you for looking after yourself.
Glad you're here x
Originally Posted by Ptcapote 
3. I am a professional writer and I spend a lot of time writing after I have been drinking. I am so afraid I am not going to be able to write anymore if I quit. Has anyone else dealt with this (from any field?)
I'd recommend calling AA first, only because that's what I did and someone very kindly met me before the meeting. It made it easier. They'll be able to advise you where's best to go too.
And I have a boss who encouraged me to drink. To be honest it feels like everyone does early on. You just need to stand your ground and keep going. I think sometimes it is just as hard for our friends and family to accept the new sober us as it is for ourselves, except they haven't had the preparation we have. And yep, all the big drinkers will see it as you holding a mirror up to their habits. This isn't your problem. Just look after yourself and eventually friendships will sort themselves out. Remember though, that no one can fire you for being sober! As much as your boss doesn't like it she can't criticise you for looking after yourself.
Glad you're here x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi and welcome to SR! 2013 is the perfect time to start fresh, good for you for avoiding driving to go and get a bottle of alcohol.
I am surrounded by many people who still drink, including my husband. I just have been making the choice not to drink each day. I have avoided a few parties and get together s since I am still at day 81, but I did make it through all of our family holiday gatherings alcohol free.
As for your boss, you can always order tonic and lime, tell her your doctor has advised you not to drink due to some health issue, or just don't say anything.
Keep reading and posting on here, it really does help. Looking forward to seeing you around in 2013!!!
I am surrounded by many people who still drink, including my husband. I just have been making the choice not to drink each day. I have avoided a few parties and get together s since I am still at day 81, but I did make it through all of our family holiday gatherings alcohol free.
As for your boss, you can always order tonic and lime, tell her your doctor has advised you not to drink due to some health issue, or just don't say anything.
Keep reading and posting on here, it really does help. Looking forward to seeing you around in 2013!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Thanks so much for the replies so far. I think the scariest part is indeed dealing with my work environment. The thing about working for a drunk is that they are very amenable to making adjustments to accommodate fellow drunks.
Don't want to come into the office until 11AM instead of 9AM? No problem, just stay later. Need to take every other Monday off? No problem, just commit to working a weekend. Got blotto at the the annual holiday party? We'll all pretend like it didn't happen. And so on...
Up until now I didn't complain because, quite frankly, I don't know if I could have continued to hold down a job if I didn't work for an alcoholic.
But now, trying to get and stay sober, that might be the most challenging aspect.
Don't want to come into the office until 11AM instead of 9AM? No problem, just stay later. Need to take every other Monday off? No problem, just commit to working a weekend. Got blotto at the the annual holiday party? We'll all pretend like it didn't happen. And so on...
Up until now I didn't complain because, quite frankly, I don't know if I could have continued to hold down a job if I didn't work for an alcoholic.
But now, trying to get and stay sober, that might be the most challenging aspect.
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