He is obsessed with his drinking buddy!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
He is obsessed with his drinking buddy!
Okay. I have a general idea why he did this, but I still need some expert advice from my friends on here.
I know how important their drinking buddies are and how they will do almost anything to hang onto them, but this is ridiculous.
I mentioned on one of the threads that my A bf bought a motorcycle from his favorite drinking buddy (a/k/a/ my brother-in-law). My brother-in-law is an alcoholic and a drug addict, but he is also the vice-president of an extremely successful construction business (family owned) and makes well over $100,000/yr. I, on the other hand, just graduated from college last semester, and am still looking for full-time work. I'm only working part-time and made ~ $6,000 last year. Pretty sad...I know! I'm sorry to bore you with the details, but it's necessary. My A bf makes about $30,000/yr., but you would never know it when it comes to spending money on me. Half the time when we go out to eat, he expects me to split the bill or pay the whole thing. Is that normal????? I don't think so.
WHY IS HE SO TIGHT WITH ME AND SO GENEROUS WITH OTHERS?
It was beautiful here yesterday, so he said "Let's go for a bike ride." I suggested that we go for a nice ride and get something to eat....not drink. He said he didn't have much money after the bike purchase, so I offered to buy our lunch. Of course, he quickly accepted.
Well, the bike ride went straight to camp where my brother-in-law and sister were staying. They were getting ready to go home, but my bf vehemently persuaded them to join us for lunch at the local tavern. I was a little disappointed, but I didn't want to say so in front of them. So we go for lunch, and my bf and I order food and drinks. They only ordered drinks, as they weren't hungry. Following our meal, my bf proceeded to pay for several beer rounds for himself and his drinking buddies. Only once did he ask me if I wanted something to drink. When it came time to leave and pay for the meal, it was much more than I had expected. The waitress told me that my bf told her to put the first round on the food bill. I paid, but I was pissed!
Sad thing is that my brother-in-law thought it was hilarious. Tight b***ard!
It ruined my mood pretty quick. I thought it was very ignorant of my bf to put their first drinks on my bill without asking. He knows I don't have much money and these people have more than they know what to do with. Then, he asks them to follow us to the Moose. Go there to sign the books, and he buys them a couple more rounds. My brother-in-law asked me if I needed something to drink, and then he walked away.... laughing. Ignorant p***k! They thought it was humorous what my bf pulled on me with the lunch bill. They weren't laughing out loud, but it was obvious that they enjoyed his lack of concern for me and concentration on them.
I asked my bf if we could please go home as I had developed a headache. He turned to his boyfriend and said, "CAN I BUY YOU ANOTHER ONE BEFORE WE GO?" What is up with that? He didn't give a **** about me. He couldn't buy lunch for me. Rounds were bought, and I wasn't even asked if I wanted anything. My brother-in-law knows that my bf is OBSESSED with him, but since we don't get along, he absolutely EATS IT UP. He buys my bf gifts, catches his eye with all his expensive boy toys, and uses him to work on his camp. How do I detach and ignore behavior like this?
1. Why is he sooo tight with me and so generous with others?
2. Why is he practically jumping through hoops for my brother-in-law? Is it the money, prestige, and constant flow of beer?
3. I know right now some of you are thinking....Why do you put up with it? I'm thinking the same thing, but I honestly thought maybe we could have had a nice day together yesterday. He can't seem to go anywhere alone with me. He always has to have his drinking buddy along.
Once this man enters the picture, I feel like the fifth wheel, the odd man out. My bf focuses all his attention on him, and I'm just there. Soooo....
4. Do I just let him spend every non-working minute with this other man, or do I continue to join them and refuse to tolerate the head games. As you know, I'm trying to deal with some pretty manipulative and sadistic mind games here. My brother-in-law is not only an alcoholic and a drug addict, he is extremely intelligent and would like nothing more than for me to disappear from my boyfriend's life so he can have complete control over him again.
Sorry for the lengthiness of this post, but I really need some advice on how to handle this one.
Thanks!
Grace
I know how important their drinking buddies are and how they will do almost anything to hang onto them, but this is ridiculous.
I mentioned on one of the threads that my A bf bought a motorcycle from his favorite drinking buddy (a/k/a/ my brother-in-law). My brother-in-law is an alcoholic and a drug addict, but he is also the vice-president of an extremely successful construction business (family owned) and makes well over $100,000/yr. I, on the other hand, just graduated from college last semester, and am still looking for full-time work. I'm only working part-time and made ~ $6,000 last year. Pretty sad...I know! I'm sorry to bore you with the details, but it's necessary. My A bf makes about $30,000/yr., but you would never know it when it comes to spending money on me. Half the time when we go out to eat, he expects me to split the bill or pay the whole thing. Is that normal????? I don't think so.
WHY IS HE SO TIGHT WITH ME AND SO GENEROUS WITH OTHERS?
It was beautiful here yesterday, so he said "Let's go for a bike ride." I suggested that we go for a nice ride and get something to eat....not drink. He said he didn't have much money after the bike purchase, so I offered to buy our lunch. Of course, he quickly accepted.
Well, the bike ride went straight to camp where my brother-in-law and sister were staying. They were getting ready to go home, but my bf vehemently persuaded them to join us for lunch at the local tavern. I was a little disappointed, but I didn't want to say so in front of them. So we go for lunch, and my bf and I order food and drinks. They only ordered drinks, as they weren't hungry. Following our meal, my bf proceeded to pay for several beer rounds for himself and his drinking buddies. Only once did he ask me if I wanted something to drink. When it came time to leave and pay for the meal, it was much more than I had expected. The waitress told me that my bf told her to put the first round on the food bill. I paid, but I was pissed!
Sad thing is that my brother-in-law thought it was hilarious. Tight b***ard!
It ruined my mood pretty quick. I thought it was very ignorant of my bf to put their first drinks on my bill without asking. He knows I don't have much money and these people have more than they know what to do with. Then, he asks them to follow us to the Moose. Go there to sign the books, and he buys them a couple more rounds. My brother-in-law asked me if I needed something to drink, and then he walked away.... laughing. Ignorant p***k! They thought it was humorous what my bf pulled on me with the lunch bill. They weren't laughing out loud, but it was obvious that they enjoyed his lack of concern for me and concentration on them.
I asked my bf if we could please go home as I had developed a headache. He turned to his boyfriend and said, "CAN I BUY YOU ANOTHER ONE BEFORE WE GO?" What is up with that? He didn't give a **** about me. He couldn't buy lunch for me. Rounds were bought, and I wasn't even asked if I wanted anything. My brother-in-law knows that my bf is OBSESSED with him, but since we don't get along, he absolutely EATS IT UP. He buys my bf gifts, catches his eye with all his expensive boy toys, and uses him to work on his camp. How do I detach and ignore behavior like this?
1. Why is he sooo tight with me and so generous with others?
2. Why is he practically jumping through hoops for my brother-in-law? Is it the money, prestige, and constant flow of beer?
3. I know right now some of you are thinking....Why do you put up with it? I'm thinking the same thing, but I honestly thought maybe we could have had a nice day together yesterday. He can't seem to go anywhere alone with me. He always has to have his drinking buddy along.
Once this man enters the picture, I feel like the fifth wheel, the odd man out. My bf focuses all his attention on him, and I'm just there. Soooo....
4. Do I just let him spend every non-working minute with this other man, or do I continue to join them and refuse to tolerate the head games. As you know, I'm trying to deal with some pretty manipulative and sadistic mind games here. My brother-in-law is not only an alcoholic and a drug addict, he is extremely intelligent and would like nothing more than for me to disappear from my boyfriend's life so he can have complete control over him again.
Sorry for the lengthiness of this post, but I really need some advice on how to handle this one.
Thanks!
Grace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Grace,
It sounds like no matter what you do, you aren't going to be first on his list. That's a shame, but that sounds like the way it is.
I think you could request better treatment from him, but I don't know if you'll get it.
I spent many years of my life surrrounded by people who didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated. It was only when I raised the bar on my standards that I started to surround myself with people who treated me with respect and love.
Peace,
Gabe
It sounds like no matter what you do, you aren't going to be first on his list. That's a shame, but that sounds like the way it is.
I think you could request better treatment from him, but I don't know if you'll get it.
I spent many years of my life surrrounded by people who didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated. It was only when I raised the bar on my standards that I started to surround myself with people who treated me with respect and love.
Peace,
Gabe
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Re: He is obsessed with his drinking buddy!
Good Mornin' Grace.
This is Winnie the Waitress. I posted her here for you to practice on. Okay, look straight at her, smile and say "Seperate checks."
He treats you like this because he can. Since you sound more fed up than shocked, I guess this isn't new. I've taught Dino that no matter what he does, there is forgiveness. Oh, I've tossed him out a few times, but as soon as he starts acting decent again I let him come back and every time he starts out great but then keeps pushing just to see how much he can get away with. It's less and less every time, and I THINK I have finally learned that when the pushing starts, it isn't going to stop. He's not going to come to his senses, he'll keep on until he pushes the "eject" button. Who knows what weird psychology drives him. I am trying to figure out what weird psychology drives me that I would keep trying this over and over. I have a friend who is a theatrical director who jokes about working on productions that are just frankly bad. He says that because he keeps working and can see great improvements, he fools himself into thinking that because it's gotten better that it's gotten good. Then the reviews come out.
There may be some of that going on.
Seperate checks. That's a way to protect yourself. When we decide we're going to keep hanging in with substance abusers, even recovering ones, we wind up having to put up dozens of barriers of this kind to protect ourselves. You are the only one who can decide if what you get from the relationship is worth the hassle. I'm trying to figure that one, too.
Hugs!
Smoke
This is Winnie the Waitress. I posted her here for you to practice on. Okay, look straight at her, smile and say "Seperate checks."
He treats you like this because he can. Since you sound more fed up than shocked, I guess this isn't new. I've taught Dino that no matter what he does, there is forgiveness. Oh, I've tossed him out a few times, but as soon as he starts acting decent again I let him come back and every time he starts out great but then keeps pushing just to see how much he can get away with. It's less and less every time, and I THINK I have finally learned that when the pushing starts, it isn't going to stop. He's not going to come to his senses, he'll keep on until he pushes the "eject" button. Who knows what weird psychology drives him. I am trying to figure out what weird psychology drives me that I would keep trying this over and over. I have a friend who is a theatrical director who jokes about working on productions that are just frankly bad. He says that because he keeps working and can see great improvements, he fools himself into thinking that because it's gotten better that it's gotten good. Then the reviews come out.
There may be some of that going on.Seperate checks. That's a way to protect yourself. When we decide we're going to keep hanging in with substance abusers, even recovering ones, we wind up having to put up dozens of barriers of this kind to protect ourselves. You are the only one who can decide if what you get from the relationship is worth the hassle. I'm trying to figure that one, too.
Hugs!
Smoke
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Re: He is obsessed with his drinking buddy!
Hi Grace, Welcome to SR.
"Who knows what weird psychology drives them!" Sorry but I am rolling on the floor with that one 'cause I spent the first 45 years of my life trying to figure them out. NOW it's my turn. Sometimes they like what I do and say, sometimes they don't. The results are not always mine, just like the choices they make aren't. I believe myself to be a kind loving human being however, that kindness must start with me being kind to myself, especially when I am surrounded by people who believe they are the center of the universe.
Please do take care. Come back here and post as often as you like. You are only alone if you chose to be. We may not have any answers for you but we certainly will understand where you are coming from.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil
"Who knows what weird psychology drives them!" Sorry but I am rolling on the floor with that one 'cause I spent the first 45 years of my life trying to figure them out. NOW it's my turn. Sometimes they like what I do and say, sometimes they don't. The results are not always mine, just like the choices they make aren't. I believe myself to be a kind loving human being however, that kindness must start with me being kind to myself, especially when I am surrounded by people who believe they are the center of the universe.
Please do take care. Come back here and post as often as you like. You are only alone if you chose to be. We may not have any answers for you but we certainly will understand where you are coming from.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Re: He is obsessed with his drinking buddy!
Thank you Gabe, Smoke, and Daffodil!
You are all right! I need to raise the bar and stop tolerating abuse.
He does treat me that way because he can and because I allow it.
I have let my bf know that I think he is obsessed with this other man, but he can't seem to stop. He's not gay, he's just constantly trying to impress and please this man. I think being associated with him makes my bf feel important...the money and the name!
Smoke, when I am with these three, I feel like I have to have a protective barrier up around me the whole time. I don't feel comfortable. I have to watch what I say. It seems like it's all a game to them. They've referred to themselves as The Three Stooges. Where does that leave me? What bothers me the most is my sister shows a closer alliance with my bf than me, but that's another sick soap opera altogether. She has ALWAYS pursued a close relationship with any man I'm involved with.
It's all sick. It's all twisted.
Thank you for giving me some things to think about.
Grace
You are all right! I need to raise the bar and stop tolerating abuse.
He does treat me that way because he can and because I allow it.
I have let my bf know that I think he is obsessed with this other man, but he can't seem to stop. He's not gay, he's just constantly trying to impress and please this man. I think being associated with him makes my bf feel important...the money and the name!
Smoke, when I am with these three, I feel like I have to have a protective barrier up around me the whole time. I don't feel comfortable. I have to watch what I say. It seems like it's all a game to them. They've referred to themselves as The Three Stooges. Where does that leave me? What bothers me the most is my sister shows a closer alliance with my bf than me, but that's another sick soap opera altogether. She has ALWAYS pursued a close relationship with any man I'm involved with.
It's all sick. It's all twisted.
Thank you for giving me some things to think about.
Grace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Anywhere but here
Posts: 44
Re: He is obsessed with his drinking buddy!
Hi Grace. I'm sorry he is treating you so badly. I know how you feel though. My bf's friends are all alcoholics and drug addicts too and I feel way out of place around them, so I try not to put myself in the situation of being there. His friends are mean to me too and he has no feelings for me either when we are around them. I have decided that I don't have to be around them. They make me feel inferior and I choose not to feel that way.
I have a long way to go as far as spending time with my friends, since I really don't have any right now, but I plan on pursuing other interests without him since he is not interested in anything except for the beer. Maybe you could do that too. Find some people, at church or a social meeting or something like that, who share the same interests as you so you don't have to be around him if you don't want to be.
I'm still new at this so I don't know if anything I said will help, but keep coming back. It does help to "talk" to other people who know what you're going through. Take care of you.
I have a long way to go as far as spending time with my friends, since I really don't have any right now, but I plan on pursuing other interests without him since he is not interested in anything except for the beer. Maybe you could do that too. Find some people, at church or a social meeting or something like that, who share the same interests as you so you don't have to be around him if you don't want to be.
I'm still new at this so I don't know if anything I said will help, but keep coming back. It does help to "talk" to other people who know what you're going through. Take care of you.
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