8 signs you're a control freak
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8 signs you're a control freak
8 Signs You're a Control Freak - *****! Small Business Advisor
I read this article yesterday, and wow, it sure does fit me. When I reflect back to my childhood, I realize that I was always like this. I remember that I was the kid who always chose what game we would play, the rules, etc. I'm positive that this stems back to my childhood with addicts/alcoholics. It is classic that I would try to control the environment around me because things were so chaotic living with addicts.
This article lists signs that show you are a control freak (yes, I qualify). I've been trying to work on these codie behaviors.
The article also lists ways to break the control freak patterns (I have copied and pasted on here):
"The thing is, you are only responsible for you. The road to better relationships always starts with you. Rather than attempt to control everyone else, work on becoming a better version of yourself. Here are a few ideas:
Be vulnerable with people.
Never compromise your self-respect by altering your core beliefs.
Be realistic about your expectations of others.
Quit the passive-aggressive nonsense--be direct.
Accept that a large portion of life is laced with unknowns.
Embrace confrontation--it really is sometimes the only thing you can do.
Take responsibility for your own happiness."
I like how they suggest that you be vulnerable, but you do not alter your core beliefs. That is a balance that I am trying to learn.
It is also hard for me to be direct and to embrace confrontation. I do not like confrontation, and I try to avoid it.
I'm also working hard on acceptance.
I think these are good goals for me to work on in the new year. I hope it helps somebody else!!
I'd be interested to hear anybody else's thoughts on the article.
I read this article yesterday, and wow, it sure does fit me. When I reflect back to my childhood, I realize that I was always like this. I remember that I was the kid who always chose what game we would play, the rules, etc. I'm positive that this stems back to my childhood with addicts/alcoholics. It is classic that I would try to control the environment around me because things were so chaotic living with addicts.
This article lists signs that show you are a control freak (yes, I qualify). I've been trying to work on these codie behaviors.
The article also lists ways to break the control freak patterns (I have copied and pasted on here):
"The thing is, you are only responsible for you. The road to better relationships always starts with you. Rather than attempt to control everyone else, work on becoming a better version of yourself. Here are a few ideas:
Be vulnerable with people.
Never compromise your self-respect by altering your core beliefs.
Be realistic about your expectations of others.
Quit the passive-aggressive nonsense--be direct.
Accept that a large portion of life is laced with unknowns.
Embrace confrontation--it really is sometimes the only thing you can do.
Take responsibility for your own happiness."
I like how they suggest that you be vulnerable, but you do not alter your core beliefs. That is a balance that I am trying to learn.
It is also hard for me to be direct and to embrace confrontation. I do not like confrontation, and I try to avoid it.
I'm also working hard on acceptance.
I think these are good goals for me to work on in the new year. I hope it helps somebody else!!
I'd be interested to hear anybody else's thoughts on the article.
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I am an absurd control freak, and I've been working really hard on it. I have a similar background to you, and that thing you said about always choosing the game and making the rules is so right on. I used to absolutely freak out if tiny little details didn't go as I had planned. Backpack zipper breaks? Call NASA, the universe is obviously collapsing! It made me so regimented that I have been diagnosed as OCD in the past, but I think that was in error because my therapist wasn't familiar with ACoA study, because that need to control everything is subsiding with my more specific therapy.
As far as the article, I think it's a good article - but they don't mention how bloody difficult it is to perform the recommended steps, ha! I'm talking years of therapy, and now coming to terms with the basis in addiction that all of this has, much much more therapy, self analysis, group work, daily affirmation and thought pattern recognition, inner child nurturing work, and we're barely scratching the surface! I must be the world's slowest learner, the world's most stubborn ACoA, or both! (That I think I'm the world's most anything is just another symptom! Oh Lord help me!)
As far as the article, I think it's a good article - but they don't mention how bloody difficult it is to perform the recommended steps, ha! I'm talking years of therapy, and now coming to terms with the basis in addiction that all of this has, much much more therapy, self analysis, group work, daily affirmation and thought pattern recognition, inner child nurturing work, and we're barely scratching the surface! I must be the world's slowest learner, the world's most stubborn ACoA, or both! (That I think I'm the world's most anything is just another symptom! Oh Lord help me!)
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Originally Posted by interrupted 
As far as the article, I think it's a good article - but they don't mention how bloody difficult it is to perform the recommended steps, ha! I'm talking years of therapy, and now coming to terms with the basis in addiction that all of this has, much much more therapy, self analysis, group work, daily affirmation and thought pattern recognition, inner child nurturing work, and we're barely scratching the surface!
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I totally get what you mean about not being direct. I actually think everyone thinks that I am extremely direct and strong willed, and what they are really seeing is a bunch of fake fronting or twisted manipulation. I was totally sickened when I realized that I did that "withholding attention" thing ALL the time. Not just with my family, but with everyone who desired to engage me at any time. And all the judgement! It's really sad that I have become exactly what I would judge to be a messed up person all without even realizing it. But I guess it's not sad, because now I do realize it, and I can fix it. It's scary, though, because I feel like not performing all these weird manipulations will result in everyone finding me out, finding out I am a huge fraud, discovering the real me: a scared and very lonely girl.
But the big book (ACoA sourcebook) says that fear of discovery is also a symptom, because the truth is that everyone already knows who we really are, none of our crazy habits are doing a lick to change anything, and they like us as is. Imagine that.
But the big book (ACoA sourcebook) says that fear of discovery is also a symptom, because the truth is that everyone already knows who we really are, none of our crazy habits are doing a lick to change anything, and they like us as is. Imagine that.
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I read the article and NO, I don't see myself having any control issues.
Ok, I might have a couple, well maybe a few, hmmmm If I am going to be honest....... let's just say I have a lot of work to do in 2013.
Thank you for sharing. Great article!!
Ok, I might have a couple, well maybe a few, hmmmm If I am going to be honest....... let's just say I have a lot of work to do in 2013.
Thank you for sharing. Great article!!
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
"You intervene on behalf of people by trying to explain or dismiss their behaviors to others."
I ALWAYS do this, even if dont know the person. I am not sure how this is controlling though?
I ALWAYS do this, even if dont know the person. I am not sure how this is controlling though?
There was a conflict in my childhood (drugs, yelling, violence). I think I try to control that conflict between people.
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Originally Posted by bluebelle
I think it is trying to control the situation. I do it because I don't want people to have conflict. I don't want to be around conflict. I want people to get along.
There was a conflict in my childhood (drugs, yelling, violence). I think I try to control that conflict between people.
There was a conflict in my childhood (drugs, yelling, violence). I think I try to control that conflict between people.
Is that being a devil's advocate?
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I read the article and was impressed at the comments after.
People were very quick to point out that it was often related to childhood.
There was a comment (from a Deirdre I think) that was kind of sad and she got loads of sympathetic kind responses.
"You intervene on behalf of people by trying to explain or dismiss their behaviors to others."
I would be the one who is very guilty of this.
I did it the other day.
My brother and sister 33 and 44, had a spat the other day and my sister left with tears in her eyes. I took my brother aside to talk to him.
I realize now, that I dismissed her as being a master control freak and that she was never wrong in her eyes. I feel bad now because while she was wrong, he is definitely a bully and is in a flabbergasting state of denial.
What makes me extra angry is that my mother seems to thrive on the conflict in the family and starts a lot of the fights.
Sorry, way to long to explain, but basically, when I look at it, the fights often stem from her being put down by frustrated family member and as she sits in a defenseless lump, someone else rears up and defends her.
She was very critical and angry about my sister when my sister was gone and I realize she plays one off of the other.
My sister is seriously successful with a great husband and two beautiful children and I think my mother would like to see her fall flat on her face.
This troubles me.
Me, a control freak?
Yup, guilty.
It is very much a result of the traumatic childhood.
Also, my sister is a control freak and so is my brother but in very different levels of effectiveness. It works for some, but I see now that my sister is in a lot of pain and this pains me.
People were very quick to point out that it was often related to childhood.
There was a comment (from a Deirdre I think) that was kind of sad and she got loads of sympathetic kind responses.
"You intervene on behalf of people by trying to explain or dismiss their behaviors to others."
I would be the one who is very guilty of this.
I did it the other day.
My brother and sister 33 and 44, had a spat the other day and my sister left with tears in her eyes. I took my brother aside to talk to him.
I realize now, that I dismissed her as being a master control freak and that she was never wrong in her eyes. I feel bad now because while she was wrong, he is definitely a bully and is in a flabbergasting state of denial.
What makes me extra angry is that my mother seems to thrive on the conflict in the family and starts a lot of the fights.
Sorry, way to long to explain, but basically, when I look at it, the fights often stem from her being put down by frustrated family member and as she sits in a defenseless lump, someone else rears up and defends her.
She was very critical and angry about my sister when my sister was gone and I realize she plays one off of the other.
My sister is seriously successful with a great husband and two beautiful children and I think my mother would like to see her fall flat on her face.
This troubles me.
Me, a control freak?
Yup, guilty.
It is very much a result of the traumatic childhood.
Also, my sister is a control freak and so is my brother but in very different levels of effectiveness. It works for some, but I see now that my sister is in a lot of pain and this pains me.
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Originally Posted by Hollyanne
"You intervene on behalf of people by trying to explain or dismiss their behaviors to others."
I would be the one who is very guilty of this.
I did it the other day.
I would be the one who is very guilty of this.
I did it the other day.
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Yup, I fit the bill. I am the first one to rush in to stop any conflict between my husband and our kids. I even was napping and heard the raised voices and came downstairs (from the farthest point away in the house) to save the day.
Joke on me, the TV was on too loud! Not even a spat for me to break up. I know that being in a family of alcoholics, fighting and denial is a big part of my need to try and control the outcome. Being a control freak is a lot different than being agressive, which is why so many of us don't diagnose our symptoms huh?
Joke on me, the TV was on too loud! Not even a spat for me to break up. I know that being in a family of alcoholics, fighting and denial is a big part of my need to try and control the outcome. Being a control freak is a lot different than being agressive, which is why so many of us don't diagnose our symptoms huh?
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My 2 friends always fight and I find myself defending one to the other. Then they make up and both are mad at me for not being more supportive to their hurt feelings. I usually don't even care as long as they aren't fighting. I know they will get over being mad at me soon enough, lol.
I would really like to know how a healthy person would deal with the conflicts of family and friends. Just listen??
I would really like to know how a healthy person would deal with the conflicts of family and friends. Just listen??
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I'm not sure. Maybe listen and tell them that you know they can come to a solution on their own? I feel like it is a role I've always played. It's not necessarily what others want, and may not be what they need?
I think that being a negotiator is a good skill, but I go too far. I am really bothered by conflict--at work, home, etc. so, maybe I try to preserve conflict at the expense of myself. I also don't feel like I should do for others what they can do for themselves. I think that I spend too much time trying to solve other people's conflict, and not enough time solving my own conflicts--which, of course, I avoid and deny.
I think that being a negotiator is a good skill, but I go too far. I am really bothered by conflict--at work, home, etc. so, maybe I try to preserve conflict at the expense of myself. I also don't feel like I should do for others what they can do for themselves. I think that I spend too much time trying to solve other people's conflict, and not enough time solving my own conflicts--which, of course, I avoid and deny.
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Yeah, i'm a control freak. Control Freaks Anonymous here
Wow, I did not realize these were control tactics. That's a shocker... I always disguised that from myself as being 'kind actions' in one way or another. To intervene on behalf of people: In my mind, I was "clearing things up", "giving another opinion", or "mediating". Woopsies... Don't think I should have the power to do that so much anymore.
To change according to other people's likes/dislike: in my mind I was amplifying certain traits in myself to better relate to another person so THEY felt more comfortable.
Think I tricked myself.. It didn't have to do with them so much as me controlling my own comfort zone. 'Doh!
Looks like some work is going to be needed.
The ending is great by the way. "Take responsibility for your happiness".
"You intervene on behalf of people by trying to explain or dismiss their behaviors to others"
"You change who you are or what you believe so that someone will accept you. Instead of just being yourself, you attempt to incept others by managing their impression of you."
"You change who you are or what you believe so that someone will accept you. Instead of just being yourself, you attempt to incept others by managing their impression of you."
Wow, I did not realize these were control tactics. That's a shocker... I always disguised that from myself as being 'kind actions' in one way or another. To intervene on behalf of people: In my mind, I was "clearing things up", "giving another opinion", or "mediating". Woopsies... Don't think I should have the power to do that so much anymore.
To change according to other people's likes/dislike: in my mind I was amplifying certain traits in myself to better relate to another person so THEY felt more comfortable.
Think I tricked myself.. It didn't have to do with them so much as me controlling my own comfort zone. 'Doh!
Looks like some work is going to be needed.
The ending is great by the way. "Take responsibility for your happiness".
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You judge others' behavior as right or wrong and passive-aggressively withhold attention until they fall in line with your expectations. Sitting in silent judgment is a master form of control.
If it is being done as a punitive matter.....you did this so I'll withhold myself from you to hurt you and I want to make you suffer.....you'll figure out that you want me back, etc......that's controlling. If it is being done because the other person is so toxic or their behavior continually crosses personal boundaries and you choose no contact or to disengage from the negative behavior, that is self care.
Sometimes.....it's all about motivation. The same action.....but different motivations. One is healthy and one is not.
gentle hugs
ke
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Sometimes.....it's all about motivation. The same action.....but different motivations. One is healthy and one is not.
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