Rough Holidays...enough already.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Rough Holidays...enough already.
This is my first post and I'm making it only because I have found so much help in this forum over the past couple of weeks. Not sure if I should be in newcomers, friends of, or addicted at this point but I figured this was a good place to start.
I am an adult child of a alcoholic. I learned about enabling from my mother which continues to this day. I vowed as a child not to love an addict but it seems that in my current relationship, I have done just that. We are going on 4 years of a roller coaster ride and even when everything lines up and makes sense for me to end the relationship for once and for all, I haven't found the strength to stay away for more than 3 months. I'm not blaming him for the whole experience, I have codependency and control issues too. When I met this man, he told me about his past addiction to meth, being homeless, jobless and lost. So I have been very proud of him in every accomplishment I've witnessed. He relapsed early on but seemed to recover well. There have been times I've suspected he is relapsing again but was never sure. He also has Asberger's according to his mother although he is in denial about it, so many of the things I have noticed fall in line with with that. Plus, I have never done meth so I was relatively clueless about what was going on until I started reading these forums.
Most recently, we decided to start spending time together again just before Thanksgiving. Things seemed great until he began to get more aggressive, moody, canceling plans at the last minute to spend time with others, and yelling at me (especially when he woke up from naps). He made up for it the first time by taking me out and having a great time. But the times that have followed in the past few weeks, he didn't make up for it. In fact, just did the same sort of stuff all over again. One evening he sent me a very long, sexual text and while I was flattered by it, there was something off about it. It was followed by a mistext asking his dealer for more meth. So in that I realized what was going on what had been going on. He was relapsing. To make a long story short, I talked to one of his friends who is somewhat mutual and found out that he had been dabbling with meth for a while. The friend was very honest, although he told me much more than I anticipated. So for the past couple of weeks, I have been battling between the side of me that wants to get closer to my man to help him and the side of me that thinks I should just cut off all contact.
This past weekend he came to see me and we visited one of his family members in the hospital. When my man came back to my house we decided to relax and take a nap. Then he got a phone call, sprung up and left saying he would be back in a couple of hours. When he returned, he breezed in and out finding another excuse to leave. My instincts said something was not right but I tried to not get upset about it. Later, I received a flood of long, expressive text messages. That always happens when he is on meth and when I asked him if he was using he said "a little." Then we fought about it. I was so enraged because the same exact situation I had let go a week before was happening. Obviously I made the wrong decision in getting closer to him like he wanted. So yesterday, I assume he was coming down from his latest use, and I received some of the longest, most hateful messages he has ever sent. I kept telling him I loved him and would support him if he wanted to quit. He kept expressing how controlling and messed up I am. At one point I told him I called the cops and turned in his name and the names of his suppliers. I didn't and that was a bad move on my part because he began to threaten me. The whole thing got ridiculous and he wouldn't listen once I told him I didn't mean what I said. So I guess in some respect I asked for it by trying to scare him out of using again. I guess I was just desperate to say anything to make him stop.
So I just re-read through the messages he sent last night. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if he remembers what he says when he is either high or coming down and how much of it he means? I don't know if that is a question that anyone can answer especially if I can't.
I would love to say that I'm done with him and won't have contact with him until he is sober again. It would be really nice to think that I could wait a year or two before I try to be in his life again. But I think I'm just as addicted to him as he is addicted to meth because I can't seem to walk away. I still have fantasies about us having a normal life and some kids and stability. But I am starting to realize that what I am experiencing is exactly what my children would experience. I don't think there is a formal detox or treatment in the future. He doesn't admit that he has a problem nor do either of us have the money to finance a recovery. There are times when he runs away from meth knowing the consequences and other times when he will drive 100 miles to knock on someone's door just to see if it is there. I haven't figured out the triggers yet or what makes him decide to run away or go for it. Just like I cant figure out if I stay because I love him or if I was just raised to never leave.
Thanks for all the stories you guys have shared. I guess in some way they have helped me to know what is going on, at least as well as I can understand it.
I am an adult child of a alcoholic. I learned about enabling from my mother which continues to this day. I vowed as a child not to love an addict but it seems that in my current relationship, I have done just that. We are going on 4 years of a roller coaster ride and even when everything lines up and makes sense for me to end the relationship for once and for all, I haven't found the strength to stay away for more than 3 months. I'm not blaming him for the whole experience, I have codependency and control issues too. When I met this man, he told me about his past addiction to meth, being homeless, jobless and lost. So I have been very proud of him in every accomplishment I've witnessed. He relapsed early on but seemed to recover well. There have been times I've suspected he is relapsing again but was never sure. He also has Asberger's according to his mother although he is in denial about it, so many of the things I have noticed fall in line with with that. Plus, I have never done meth so I was relatively clueless about what was going on until I started reading these forums.
Most recently, we decided to start spending time together again just before Thanksgiving. Things seemed great until he began to get more aggressive, moody, canceling plans at the last minute to spend time with others, and yelling at me (especially when he woke up from naps). He made up for it the first time by taking me out and having a great time. But the times that have followed in the past few weeks, he didn't make up for it. In fact, just did the same sort of stuff all over again. One evening he sent me a very long, sexual text and while I was flattered by it, there was something off about it. It was followed by a mistext asking his dealer for more meth. So in that I realized what was going on what had been going on. He was relapsing. To make a long story short, I talked to one of his friends who is somewhat mutual and found out that he had been dabbling with meth for a while. The friend was very honest, although he told me much more than I anticipated. So for the past couple of weeks, I have been battling between the side of me that wants to get closer to my man to help him and the side of me that thinks I should just cut off all contact.
This past weekend he came to see me and we visited one of his family members in the hospital. When my man came back to my house we decided to relax and take a nap. Then he got a phone call, sprung up and left saying he would be back in a couple of hours. When he returned, he breezed in and out finding another excuse to leave. My instincts said something was not right but I tried to not get upset about it. Later, I received a flood of long, expressive text messages. That always happens when he is on meth and when I asked him if he was using he said "a little." Then we fought about it. I was so enraged because the same exact situation I had let go a week before was happening. Obviously I made the wrong decision in getting closer to him like he wanted. So yesterday, I assume he was coming down from his latest use, and I received some of the longest, most hateful messages he has ever sent. I kept telling him I loved him and would support him if he wanted to quit. He kept expressing how controlling and messed up I am. At one point I told him I called the cops and turned in his name and the names of his suppliers. I didn't and that was a bad move on my part because he began to threaten me. The whole thing got ridiculous and he wouldn't listen once I told him I didn't mean what I said. So I guess in some respect I asked for it by trying to scare him out of using again. I guess I was just desperate to say anything to make him stop.
So I just re-read through the messages he sent last night. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if he remembers what he says when he is either high or coming down and how much of it he means? I don't know if that is a question that anyone can answer especially if I can't.
I would love to say that I'm done with him and won't have contact with him until he is sober again. It would be really nice to think that I could wait a year or two before I try to be in his life again. But I think I'm just as addicted to him as he is addicted to meth because I can't seem to walk away. I still have fantasies about us having a normal life and some kids and stability. But I am starting to realize that what I am experiencing is exactly what my children would experience. I don't think there is a formal detox or treatment in the future. He doesn't admit that he has a problem nor do either of us have the money to finance a recovery. There are times when he runs away from meth knowing the consequences and other times when he will drive 100 miles to knock on someone's door just to see if it is there. I haven't figured out the triggers yet or what makes him decide to run away or go for it. Just like I cant figure out if I stay because I love him or if I was just raised to never leave.
Thanks for all the stories you guys have shared. I guess in some way they have helped me to know what is going on, at least as well as I can understand it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Welcome to SR. You are in the right place! There is great information posted on the stickies on the top of the page. My mom is an addict and my father is an alcoholic. My boyfriend is a pill addict in recovery.
Have you read Codependent No More? That is an excellent book and a good place to get started. I also like to read the Language of Letting Go daily affirmations. You can find the daily posts free if you Google that name. In addition, I read the daily affirmation for Adult Children of Alcoholics (I bought that book).
You are making a good step by getting help. I have made a lot of progress over the years in learning how to let go and set boundaries in relationships. I'm not perfect (progress not perfection), but I am better than I used to be. I don't let other people dictate my moods as much. I feel less responsible for other people, and I have gained more peace in my life.
Take care.
Have you read Codependent No More? That is an excellent book and a good place to get started. I also like to read the Language of Letting Go daily affirmations. You can find the daily posts free if you Google that name. In addition, I read the daily affirmation for Adult Children of Alcoholics (I bought that book).
You are making a good step by getting help. I have made a lot of progress over the years in learning how to let go and set boundaries in relationships. I'm not perfect (progress not perfection), but I am better than I used to be. I don't let other people dictate my moods as much. I feel less responsible for other people, and I have gained more peace in my life.
Take care.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
You are not his first love, his first love is meth. If he decides to ever get clean (that's a big IF) then his first love will be recovery for at least the first year he is trying to kick his habit. There is nothing you can do to change either of those things. You can't control him, and you can't control his choices or actions. Here are the things that you can control: yourself, your actions, and your response to his actions. So attention and care is best spent on those things that we can control, rather than wasted on those many things that we cannot.
Please, PLEASE read Codependent No More by Melonie Beattie. Growing up in the environment you did has long-term consequences, and fierce codependency is one of them. As another ACoA I'm in the same boat, rowing right along with you. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but you're no longer battling this alone. Welcome to SR, I'm glad that you decided to post, keep posting!
Please, PLEASE read Codependent No More by Melonie Beattie. Growing up in the environment you did has long-term consequences, and fierce codependency is one of them. As another ACoA I'm in the same boat, rowing right along with you. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but you're no longer battling this alone. Welcome to SR, I'm glad that you decided to post, keep posting!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 48
I actually bought Codependent No More but didn't get past the first few pages. I guess I felt the stories were too real to me but also something I didn't need to read. I saw the book pop up on my mother's night stand a few months after that. Kind of freaked me out in that she had not turned a single page either. I suppose we bought the book, we realize we need to read it, but haven't opened up to it yet. Perhaps it will be something I can get through this year. I'm in the process of moving so perhaps I'll keep an eye out for where that book ended up and bring it back to the surface. Nothing wrong with trying again, right? 
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
. I still have fantasies about us having a normal life and some kids and stability. But I am starting to realize that what I am experiencing is exactly what my children would experience.
Your right about that children who have parents who are addicts or alcoholics have a 50% chance of becoming an addict or marrying one.
The police use a different protocol with Meth users due to how violent they can become.
The above suggestions are good suggestions as well as trying some Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings for you
If he ever decides he wants too stop the Salvation Army has a free program,
You didn't cause it, You can't control it, You can't cure it
You can't love him enough to make him quit either.
Your right about that children who have parents who are addicts or alcoholics have a 50% chance of becoming an addict or marrying one.
The police use a different protocol with Meth users due to how violent they can become.
The above suggestions are good suggestions as well as trying some Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings for you
If he ever decides he wants too stop the Salvation Army has a free program,
You didn't cause it, You can't control it, You can't cure it
You can't love him enough to make him quit either.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......I hope you find comfort and answers here. You are not alone.
Meth is a tricky one and you asked some important questions. I can only share the experience I have with my son who is addicted to meth. He's very talkative and "convincing" when he's high. As he comes down, he becomes an animal.....mean, angry, aggressive. Right before my son went into treatment, he said that days 4 & 5 were always the worst......so although they don't experience the same kind of painful physical symptoms that a heroin addict has as they withdraw.....they become pretty nasty. Generally, I can say.......I love my son.....but I really don't like the meth addict at all. Not even a little bit.
You mentioned you can't afford treatment. The Salvation Army has an adult rehabilitation center in many large metropolitan cities. It's a long term program (six months to a year) and it's free. And they have a better success rate than most rehab programs. But they won't take someone if they are just there to mess around.....it is definitely for someone who is highly motivated to get clean and sober.
The activities that we engage in when the addict is using (such as telling him that you turned him and his suppliers in to the police) are not only gamemanship to rival theirs but VERY dangerous. I can certainly look at myself and recognize that I became every bit as sick as my son was--if you only knew some of the crazy stuff I did--very dangerous. I became just as manipulative as he was. And I spent my precious time trying to control him rather than trying to control myself.
Your man will continue to use drugs until he decides he doesn't wants to stop. And not a minute sooner. Nothing (and I mean ABSOLUTELY nothing you will do will make him clean up). I assure you, you don't love him any more than any of us love the addicts in our lives. Love doesn't cure addiction. If it did, not one of us would be here.
We, the people who love someone addicted, also reach a bottom. And we keep putting ourselves through hell until we're good and ready to stop the insanity of it. Also....not a minute sooner. When you're good and ready......you'll read what you need to read, you'll go where you need to go, and you'll work a program of recovery (whatever that may be) that you wish he would work. And you'll feel better....whether he continues to use or not.
gentle hugs
ke
Meth is a tricky one and you asked some important questions. I can only share the experience I have with my son who is addicted to meth. He's very talkative and "convincing" when he's high. As he comes down, he becomes an animal.....mean, angry, aggressive. Right before my son went into treatment, he said that days 4 & 5 were always the worst......so although they don't experience the same kind of painful physical symptoms that a heroin addict has as they withdraw.....they become pretty nasty. Generally, I can say.......I love my son.....but I really don't like the meth addict at all. Not even a little bit.
You mentioned you can't afford treatment. The Salvation Army has an adult rehabilitation center in many large metropolitan cities. It's a long term program (six months to a year) and it's free. And they have a better success rate than most rehab programs. But they won't take someone if they are just there to mess around.....it is definitely for someone who is highly motivated to get clean and sober.
The activities that we engage in when the addict is using (such as telling him that you turned him and his suppliers in to the police) are not only gamemanship to rival theirs but VERY dangerous. I can certainly look at myself and recognize that I became every bit as sick as my son was--if you only knew some of the crazy stuff I did--very dangerous. I became just as manipulative as he was. And I spent my precious time trying to control him rather than trying to control myself.
Your man will continue to use drugs until he decides he doesn't wants to stop. And not a minute sooner. Nothing (and I mean ABSOLUTELY nothing you will do will make him clean up). I assure you, you don't love him any more than any of us love the addicts in our lives. Love doesn't cure addiction. If it did, not one of us would be here.
We, the people who love someone addicted, also reach a bottom. And we keep putting ourselves through hell until we're good and ready to stop the insanity of it. Also....not a minute sooner. When you're good and ready......you'll read what you need to read, you'll go where you need to go, and you'll work a program of recovery (whatever that may be) that you wish he would work. And you'll feel better....whether he continues to use or not.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 48
I want to say thank you to all of you for your replies. I'm humbled that I actually had responses and surprised that they were most likely exactly what I needed to know or hear.
Kindeyes, you picked up on so many things. I'm glad to know that Salvation Army provides an option but feel that I'm not the right person to help this guy get to recovery. And that's for a few reasons, including the gamesmanship you picked up on. I think I've turned manipulating into an art over the power struggles I've had with this equally stubborn person in the past few years. For some reason, I turn into a private investigator and obsess over the details of what he is up to and who he is talking to when I feel something is going on. Then I make my plays and see if I can manipulate him either into craziness, submission, or guilt. With the end result of hoping he will apologize and come back to me. It sounds very sick as I type it but I'm ready to own up to what it is, perhaps just an intense need to control this situation at all costs. I'm not proud of it. And that's really one of the main factors in me believing that I do need some sort of recovery. I have become easily just as sick as he is. My work suffers, my friendships suffer, and I've lost a big chunk of myself. I know this is not a good situation or bringing the best out in me.
The part I am struggling with is the now. The silence. Not hearing from him or knowing if he is sleeping it off or has decided to get high again. I have a problem with unknowns in general, but with him it makes me nuts. I've known that I needed to let go of him since the first relapse but there is a powerful connection. For both of us. But it truly makes me crazy when I try to let go. I'm trying to keep my head straight now. I feel like right now is the best shot I have at ending all of this. I'm in the best frame of mind I have been in for a long time. And I guess that's why I'm reaching out. I want it to work.
Kindeyes, you picked up on so many things. I'm glad to know that Salvation Army provides an option but feel that I'm not the right person to help this guy get to recovery. And that's for a few reasons, including the gamesmanship you picked up on. I think I've turned manipulating into an art over the power struggles I've had with this equally stubborn person in the past few years. For some reason, I turn into a private investigator and obsess over the details of what he is up to and who he is talking to when I feel something is going on. Then I make my plays and see if I can manipulate him either into craziness, submission, or guilt. With the end result of hoping he will apologize and come back to me. It sounds very sick as I type it but I'm ready to own up to what it is, perhaps just an intense need to control this situation at all costs. I'm not proud of it. And that's really one of the main factors in me believing that I do need some sort of recovery. I have become easily just as sick as he is. My work suffers, my friendships suffer, and I've lost a big chunk of myself. I know this is not a good situation or bringing the best out in me.
The part I am struggling with is the now. The silence. Not hearing from him or knowing if he is sleeping it off or has decided to get high again. I have a problem with unknowns in general, but with him it makes me nuts. I've known that I needed to let go of him since the first relapse but there is a powerful connection. For both of us. But it truly makes me crazy when I try to let go. I'm trying to keep my head straight now. I feel like right now is the best shot I have at ending all of this. I'm in the best frame of mind I have been in for a long time. And I guess that's why I'm reaching out. I want it to work.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Attica Kansas
Posts: 1
Anyone who is in LOVE with a meth user or addict becomes obsessive with trying to fix their problems. I too have been that "private investigator". I have been attending Al-anon for two months and know I am not "alone". I am new here and have not told my story... but in time I will...
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I wanted to come back to this post and update, again because reading information on these boards is so helpful.
I decided to back away from him and to stop trying to control what he was doing.
Basically, all is took was 2 months for him to spiral out of control. I spoke to him in depth for the first time last week only to find out that his home had become a hostile for meth abusers and dealers, he had sex with various prostitutes, and the woman he called he girlfriend had to move in with him because she was aparantly kicked out of her home for cheating with him. It is a bad situation. I went over there to help him clean after this escapade and found tampon applicators on the floor. It was a unique experience. My now EX boyfriend has lost his job and is trying to figure out a way to pay rent. It goes against every bone in my body and every emotion possible, but I have not agreed to pay rent. I admit I did say I would give $100 towards it just so he can have a safe place with a roof over his head, but it is up to him to find the rest. I can't put myself in a financial bind helping nor will I give him cash. It s a payment I would make to the landlord.
As far as I know, the last time he used was last week. He accidently called me and I admit I listed for 4 minutes to him professing his love for his new girlfriend and them celebrating as they snorted lines of meth. As hearbreaking as it was to listen to that, it was in fact exactly what I needed to hear. Because in that moment I realized that I didn't need to be concerned about my future with him. There is no future with him. In the 4 years that I have know him, I've never seen a relapse this intense and distructive. In the past, he would slip and I would stay on him and a week later everything would be back to normal. But this time, it was like utter chaos and he turned his home into a meth house. It happened within a month. It apparantly happens fast.
I have made an appointent with a counselor for this week. It is my old counselor who happens to be very good at addiction therapy. I guess I feel like I need help turning off my Mother Theresa persona and taking care of myself.
As much as I love my EX, feel that we are bound togehter like no other people on earth, I realize that we are just two people like the rest of you in this forum. There's nothing different, nothing unique. There was nothing I could have done to stop this. So I will stay educated, aware, distanced, and get some counseling. The sad part is that my ex is gone and will hopefully make it back to some sort of normal life. I would be happier with him, the real him, in this world. But at the same time all of this is no reason for me to lose everything I have trying to save him, right? I can finally admit that this addiction is beyond me. I've never smoked meth. So I'm the worst person to be trying to judge what the future holds. I'm just very thankful for all of the messages I have read in this forum and others. It helped to remind me that I'm not special, my situation is not special, and while we can all hope for the best, the writing is on the wall when we are dealing with this drug.
I decided to back away from him and to stop trying to control what he was doing.
Basically, all is took was 2 months for him to spiral out of control. I spoke to him in depth for the first time last week only to find out that his home had become a hostile for meth abusers and dealers, he had sex with various prostitutes, and the woman he called he girlfriend had to move in with him because she was aparantly kicked out of her home for cheating with him. It is a bad situation. I went over there to help him clean after this escapade and found tampon applicators on the floor. It was a unique experience. My now EX boyfriend has lost his job and is trying to figure out a way to pay rent. It goes against every bone in my body and every emotion possible, but I have not agreed to pay rent. I admit I did say I would give $100 towards it just so he can have a safe place with a roof over his head, but it is up to him to find the rest. I can't put myself in a financial bind helping nor will I give him cash. It s a payment I would make to the landlord.
As far as I know, the last time he used was last week. He accidently called me and I admit I listed for 4 minutes to him professing his love for his new girlfriend and them celebrating as they snorted lines of meth. As hearbreaking as it was to listen to that, it was in fact exactly what I needed to hear. Because in that moment I realized that I didn't need to be concerned about my future with him. There is no future with him. In the 4 years that I have know him, I've never seen a relapse this intense and distructive. In the past, he would slip and I would stay on him and a week later everything would be back to normal. But this time, it was like utter chaos and he turned his home into a meth house. It happened within a month. It apparantly happens fast.
I have made an appointent with a counselor for this week. It is my old counselor who happens to be very good at addiction therapy. I guess I feel like I need help turning off my Mother Theresa persona and taking care of myself.
As much as I love my EX, feel that we are bound togehter like no other people on earth, I realize that we are just two people like the rest of you in this forum. There's nothing different, nothing unique. There was nothing I could have done to stop this. So I will stay educated, aware, distanced, and get some counseling. The sad part is that my ex is gone and will hopefully make it back to some sort of normal life. I would be happier with him, the real him, in this world. But at the same time all of this is no reason for me to lose everything I have trying to save him, right? I can finally admit that this addiction is beyond me. I've never smoked meth. So I'm the worst person to be trying to judge what the future holds. I'm just very thankful for all of the messages I have read in this forum and others. It helped to remind me that I'm not special, my situation is not special, and while we can all hope for the best, the writing is on the wall when we are dealing with this drug.
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