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Rough Holidays...enough already.

Old 12-31-2012, 12:11 PM
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Question Rough Holidays...enough already.

This is my first post and I'm making it only because I have found so much help in this forum over the past couple of weeks. Not sure if I should be in newcomers, friends of, or addicted at this point but I figured this was a good place to start.
I am an adult child of a alcoholic. I learned about enabling from my mother which continues to this day. I vowed as a child not to love an addict but it seems that in my current relationship, I have done just that. We are going on 4 years of a roller coaster ride and even when everything lines up and makes sense for me to end the relationship for once and for all, I haven't found the strength to stay away for more than 3 months. I'm not blaming him for the whole experience, I have codependency and control issues too. When I met this man, he told me about his past addiction to meth, being homeless, jobless and lost. So I have been very proud of him in every accomplishment I've witnessed. He relapsed early on but seemed to recover well. There have been times I've suspected he is relapsing again but was never sure. He also has Asberger's according to his mother although he is in denial about it, so many of the things I have noticed fall in line with with that. Plus, I have never done meth so I was relatively clueless about what was going on until I started reading these forums.
Most recently, we decided to start spending time together again just before Thanksgiving. Things seemed great until he began to get more aggressive, moody, canceling plans at the last minute to spend time with others, and yelling at me (especially when he woke up from naps). He made up for it the first time by taking me out and having a great time. But the times that have followed in the past few weeks, he didn't make up for it. In fact, just did the same sort of stuff all over again. One evening he sent me a very long, sexual text and while I was flattered by it, there was something off about it. It was followed by a mistext asking his dealer for more meth. So in that I realized what was going on what had been going on. He was relapsing. To make a long story short, I talked to one of his friends who is somewhat mutual and found out that he had been dabbling with meth for a while. The friend was very honest, although he told me much more than I anticipated. So for the past couple of weeks, I have been battling between the side of me that wants to get closer to my man to help him and the side of me that thinks I should just cut off all contact.
This past weekend he came to see me and we visited one of his family members in the hospital. When my man came back to my house we decided to relax and take a nap. Then he got a phone call, sprung up and left saying he would be back in a couple of hours. When he returned, he breezed in and out finding another excuse to leave. My instincts said something was not right but I tried to not get upset about it. Later, I received a flood of long, expressive text messages. That always happens when he is on meth and when I asked him if he was using he said "a little." Then we fought about it. I was so enraged because the same exact situation I had let go a week before was happening. Obviously I made the wrong decision in getting closer to him like he wanted. So yesterday, I assume he was coming down from his latest use, and I received some of the longest, most hateful messages he has ever sent. I kept telling him I loved him and would support him if he wanted to quit. He kept expressing how controlling and messed up I am. At one point I told him I called the cops and turned in his name and the names of his suppliers. I didn't and that was a bad move on my part because he began to threaten me. The whole thing got ridiculous and he wouldn't listen once I told him I didn't mean what I said. So I guess in some respect I asked for it by trying to scare him out of using again. I guess I was just desperate to say anything to make him stop.
So I just re-read through the messages he sent last night. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if he remembers what he says when he is either high or coming down and how much of it he means? I don't know if that is a question that anyone can answer especially if I can't.
I would love to say that I'm done with him and won't have contact with him until he is sober again. It would be really nice to think that I could wait a year or two before I try to be in his life again. But I think I'm just as addicted to him as he is addicted to meth because I can't seem to walk away. I still have fantasies about us having a normal life and some kids and stability. But I am starting to realize that what I am experiencing is exactly what my children would experience. I don't think there is a formal detox or treatment in the future. He doesn't admit that he has a problem nor do either of us have the money to finance a recovery. There are times when he runs away from meth knowing the consequences and other times when he will drive 100 miles to knock on someone's door just to see if it is there. I haven't figured out the triggers yet or what makes him decide to run away or go for it. Just like I cant figure out if I stay because I love him or if I was just raised to never leave.
Thanks for all the stories you guys have shared. I guess in some way they have helped me to know what is going on, at least as well as I can understand it.
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Old 12-31-2012, 12:34 PM
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I hope that you find support for yourself to help you get through this difficult time.
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Old 12-31-2012, 01:34 PM
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Welcome, TheGirlsTrying -

I'm sorry you're going through this, but glad you're here. They say that recovery is just as important for the loved ones of addicts/alcoholics. It sounds like you're ready and you have a lot of insight, which is a great start!:ghug3
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