Why So Cruel when I am trying to support his sobriety?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5
Why So Cruel when I am trying to support his sobriety?
At what point do I walk away from my husband who has been sober for 9months, yet treats me at times like he doesn't even like me?
When he was drinking, he would come up with the most cruel things to say/do so that we would fight and he would have an excuse to leave (or not come home) so that he could continue to drink.
After he disappeared for 2 weeks, leaving me alone with our 6 month old (he claims I knew where he was) I filed for divorce. He came back and begged for another chance and promised to get sober. I had high doubts, but was willing to try to keep the family together with hopes it might work out. That was 15 months ago. He has had 3 relapses, but definitely puts 110% into trying to maintain his sobriety.
He is making it so difficult to be supportive of him. I don't understand why he goes between telling me how wonderful I am and how much he loves me...to within minutes treating me like I am some messed up looser. I have gotten so that the compliments make me cringe because I am waiting for the turn around where he says something cruel. (tonight it was I that make stupid conversation and that my fat belly was sticking out) The more stressed he is, the worse he is.
He is extremely critical of me and it is like he gets joy out of the one thing I might have done wrong, no matter how small. By small I mean like the time I cleaned the entire kitchen, yet he still yelled at me because the pizza box was on the counter and not out in the garage recycling. It seems so little, but when it is constant, it wears on you big time. I am always in fear that I am not doing everything perfect and of when the next criticism is coming. And it will.
When I try to talk to him about how he is just being mean, he can always twist the conversation to it being "not his problem" and that I am the one that needs serious help and them will tell me things like the people he talks to in AA about me all think I am selfish!!
I only get one shot at this life too, and I feel like I deserve to be with a person that loves, supports and respects me. Not pulls me apart to the point my heart is heavy 90% of the time.
I thought as time went on in his sobriety I would see more of his sweet side. But the last few months I have seen that side less and less. We were in couples therapy with an addiction counselor, who is 28 years sober. He saw right through my husband's games and called him out on it. So my husband stopped going, saying it was a "bashing" session of him.
How can I support someone who is so unnecessarily cruel to me? Will it ever change with sobriety?
When he was drinking, he would come up with the most cruel things to say/do so that we would fight and he would have an excuse to leave (or not come home) so that he could continue to drink.
After he disappeared for 2 weeks, leaving me alone with our 6 month old (he claims I knew where he was) I filed for divorce. He came back and begged for another chance and promised to get sober. I had high doubts, but was willing to try to keep the family together with hopes it might work out. That was 15 months ago. He has had 3 relapses, but definitely puts 110% into trying to maintain his sobriety.
He is making it so difficult to be supportive of him. I don't understand why he goes between telling me how wonderful I am and how much he loves me...to within minutes treating me like I am some messed up looser. I have gotten so that the compliments make me cringe because I am waiting for the turn around where he says something cruel. (tonight it was I that make stupid conversation and that my fat belly was sticking out) The more stressed he is, the worse he is.
He is extremely critical of me and it is like he gets joy out of the one thing I might have done wrong, no matter how small. By small I mean like the time I cleaned the entire kitchen, yet he still yelled at me because the pizza box was on the counter and not out in the garage recycling. It seems so little, but when it is constant, it wears on you big time. I am always in fear that I am not doing everything perfect and of when the next criticism is coming. And it will.
When I try to talk to him about how he is just being mean, he can always twist the conversation to it being "not his problem" and that I am the one that needs serious help and them will tell me things like the people he talks to in AA about me all think I am selfish!!
I only get one shot at this life too, and I feel like I deserve to be with a person that loves, supports and respects me. Not pulls me apart to the point my heart is heavy 90% of the time.
I thought as time went on in his sobriety I would see more of his sweet side. But the last few months I have seen that side less and less. We were in couples therapy with an addiction counselor, who is 28 years sober. He saw right through my husband's games and called him out on it. So my husband stopped going, saying it was a "bashing" session of him.
How can I support someone who is so unnecessarily cruel to me? Will it ever change with sobriety?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
Hi AYP
I'm sorry for your situation.
You know your husband better than us but I will say - sobriety doesn't make saints of us.
If you husband is making you unhappy, and he says it's basically your problem, I'm not sure that gives you a lot to work with.
I'd base your decision on whats happened in the past...use that as a likely guide to whats likely to happen in future?
D
I'm sorry for your situation.
You know your husband better than us but I will say - sobriety doesn't make saints of us.
If you husband is making you unhappy, and he says it's basically your problem, I'm not sure that gives you a lot to work with.
I'd base your decision on whats happened in the past...use that as a likely guide to whats likely to happen in future?
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,635
I am in AA and there is no way I would tell someone their spouse was selfish based on the things they told me about their spouse. It is not my business, nor my place to judge.
It sounds to me like he has some issues that he needs to work on. And that he is being a crud ball to you. I am sorry.
It sounds to me like he has some issues that he needs to work on. And that he is being a crud ball to you. I am sorry.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
If anyone told me my fat belly was sticking out I would certainly have to put my big book aside for a minute and have a chat.
No one needs to hear stuff like that. It's rude.
Remember you are a queen to your child. The most beautiful queen in the world. They are what matters.
Sobriety doesn't make you a nice person, it makes you sober, that's it. God helps you do th rest
No one needs to hear stuff like that. It's rude.
Remember you are a queen to your child. The most beautiful queen in the world. They are what matters.
Sobriety doesn't make you a nice person, it makes you sober, that's it. God helps you do th rest
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
I have been the critical one (of my husband)....I have pointed out all his minor flaws for years when infact he's a great person and has been my rock even at my worst.
It was only because I couldn't deal with my own shortcomings. I couldn't face it so made someone else feel like cr@p instead.
I feel so so bad about it and I can't get it back but I have started to change it.
You don't deserve it at all
. Hugs to you. I really hope he can work on his stuff so he give you a break
It was only because I couldn't deal with my own shortcomings. I couldn't face it so made someone else feel like cr@p instead.
I feel so so bad about it and I can't get it back but I have started to change it.
You don't deserve it at all
. Hugs to you. I really hope he can work on his stuff so he give you a break Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
I'm sorry for you situation, no one deserves the type of treatment you are enduring. The fact that he doesn't want to continue to work with a counselor who speaks the truth and asks him to work on his stuff speaks volumes. As someone said above, sobriety doesn't necessarily make you a nice person, just sober.
I think you are seeing who he is sober and you have to decide if that's what you want for yourself and your child. Remember that your baby will grow up watching him treating you that way, too.
I encourage you to stay in counseling, get all the support you can to make the best decision for yourself and your baby.
Take care.
I think you are seeing who he is sober and you have to decide if that's what you want for yourself and your child. Remember that your baby will grow up watching him treating you that way, too.
I encourage you to stay in counseling, get all the support you can to make the best decision for yourself and your baby.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
I am sorry for what you are dealing with. Whether he is drunk or sober it isn't okay for him to be cruel to you. You definitely deserve more. I think it is wonderful that you have supported him, but his cruelty is unacceptable.
Have the two of you tried counseling? You may want to also check out the friends and family section on SR.
Have the two of you tried counseling? You may want to also check out the friends and family section on SR.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"will tell me things like the people he talks to in AA about me all think I am selfish!!"
this is a line of BS. the people in AA are telling him thatHE is the problem and the solution is HIM!. grab the big book and ask him to show you where his problems are you.
this is to your husband if i was his sponsor, and i will bet dollars to donuts yer husband doesnt have one( and only from making a SWAG from what i read here):
get yer head out of yer ass. the problem in your world is you.. quit screwin around. start working the steps. do ya want to be sober or do ya want to be miserable? if ya want to be miserable, thats yer choice, but nobody wants to be around it and sooner or later, everyone turns away from a miserable dry drunk.ya ought to be greatful for your wife and the support shes given. if i was her, i'd throw ya in the trash and burn yer belongings.
AA isnt about blaming everyone/everything for you own problems. its about lookin in the mirror. so, ya gonna start lookin in the mirror or keep blaming everyone and everything? look in the mirror and your world will change for the better. blame the world and your world will get worse.
welp, cant really say id tell him all that exactly, but if he is like i perceive with a SWAG, then i would.
now for you:dont let him use you as his doormat!that would be enabling him to continue the same behavior.
even the big book says that seperation may be necessary.
this is a line of BS. the people in AA are telling him thatHE is the problem and the solution is HIM!. grab the big book and ask him to show you where his problems are you.
this is to your husband if i was his sponsor, and i will bet dollars to donuts yer husband doesnt have one( and only from making a SWAG from what i read here):
get yer head out of yer ass. the problem in your world is you.. quit screwin around. start working the steps. do ya want to be sober or do ya want to be miserable? if ya want to be miserable, thats yer choice, but nobody wants to be around it and sooner or later, everyone turns away from a miserable dry drunk.ya ought to be greatful for your wife and the support shes given. if i was her, i'd throw ya in the trash and burn yer belongings.
AA isnt about blaming everyone/everything for you own problems. its about lookin in the mirror. so, ya gonna start lookin in the mirror or keep blaming everyone and everything? look in the mirror and your world will change for the better. blame the world and your world will get worse.
welp, cant really say id tell him all that exactly, but if he is like i perceive with a SWAG, then i would.
now for you:dont let him use you as his doormat!that would be enabling him to continue the same behavior.
even the big book says that seperation may be necessary.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I'm sorry you are in this situation. he sounds very cruel and a bully. you shouldn't have to live like this. Your child will grow up thinking it is ok for men to talk to and treat women the way he treats you and for women to be treated badly. I don't know how much of it is related to drinking/not drinking or he's just not a nice person. I think you need to put you and your child first.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I hope you come back to read this thread you have started. Please check out our
Friends and Family of Alcoholic Forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
where you will find many folks who have been where you are or are where you
are now.
Sometimes when we are married to or have a long term with a practicing
alcoholic who is an ashhat, and then they get sober, all we have is a sober
ashhat. In other words, they don't change and are still the same, just not
imbibing alcohol.
Please post on the F&F forum. Now is the time for you to work on you, as
much as you can with a little one. There will be lots of help over on F&F.
Go to Amazon.com and get yourself a copy of "Codependent No More" by
Melodie Beattie. It is very reasonable. Then read it with a highlighter in
hand, hi-lighting phrases that jump out at you. When done, go back and
read it again with a different colored hi-lighter. Then sit down with a blank
notebook and start writing about everything that jumped out at you. I
would by then that you have also tried some meetings of Alanon, even if
the only one you can attend is the one here on Wednesday nights at 9pm
eastern time.
We are here for you. Please continue to share as we will share with you
our experience, strength and hope (ES&H) with you.
Love and hugs,
I hope you come back to read this thread you have started. Please check out our
Friends and Family of Alcoholic Forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
where you will find many folks who have been where you are or are where you
are now.
Sometimes when we are married to or have a long term with a practicing
alcoholic who is an ashhat, and then they get sober, all we have is a sober
ashhat. In other words, they don't change and are still the same, just not
imbibing alcohol.
Please post on the F&F forum. Now is the time for you to work on you, as
much as you can with a little one. There will be lots of help over on F&F.
Go to Amazon.com and get yourself a copy of "Codependent No More" by
Melodie Beattie. It is very reasonable. Then read it with a highlighter in
hand, hi-lighting phrases that jump out at you. When done, go back and
read it again with a different colored hi-lighter. Then sit down with a blank
notebook and start writing about everything that jumped out at you. I
would by then that you have also tried some meetings of Alanon, even if
the only one you can attend is the one here on Wednesday nights at 9pm
eastern time.
We are here for you. Please continue to share as we will share with you
our experience, strength and hope (ES&H) with you.
Love and hugs,
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I sure wouldn't tolerate such abusive behavior from my husband. And I certainly wouldn't want to raise a child is such a dysfunctional environment, not good for the child to see that. That's verbal abuse, and it's abuse all the same. Can you call a women's shelter and talk to them about your situation? They might have some suggestions. I sure wouldn't put up with it...
That's verbal abuse, and it's abuse all the same. Can you call a women's shelter and talk to them about your situation? They might have some suggestions. I sure wouldn't put up with it...
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
There is a line in AA that I heard. “What do you get when a horse thief sobers up? A sober horse thief.” Just because we are sober does not change the underlying condition. I truly believe addiction is just a symptom of other problems. By working the steps of AA I treated the underlying condition and am no longer the person I was and as a result I am living a happy sober life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 57
I'm so sorry you are being subjected to his abuse.
I am almost one year sober, about two months ago when I was solid in my own sobriety I started focusing on my husbands behavior. He's a verbal abuser, different abuse than yours but there are many ways to abuse others....and my husband has never been addicted to anything in his life, it's just the way he is.
It is very very painful when the person you love and the person who is supposed to love you back is disrespectful and mean, no one deserves that. When you are walking on eggshells out of fear of setting them off you can't be yourself, you start to believe some of the things they say when they blame everything on you, you lose sight of your own intuitions and feelings. It's literally crazy making and very confusing.
I read every single book written by Patricia Evans on verbal abuse, starting with "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", I think she's written four books now. Once I was armed with knowledge and clarity that this is HIS problem I was able to take my personal power back and do something about it.
For now, when the crazy crap comes out of his mouth tell yourself it isn't true, don't let his words permeate your psyche and stick to you, they are lies!
I am almost one year sober, about two months ago when I was solid in my own sobriety I started focusing on my husbands behavior. He's a verbal abuser, different abuse than yours but there are many ways to abuse others....and my husband has never been addicted to anything in his life, it's just the way he is.
It is very very painful when the person you love and the person who is supposed to love you back is disrespectful and mean, no one deserves that. When you are walking on eggshells out of fear of setting them off you can't be yourself, you start to believe some of the things they say when they blame everything on you, you lose sight of your own intuitions and feelings. It's literally crazy making and very confusing.
I read every single book written by Patricia Evans on verbal abuse, starting with "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", I think she's written four books now. Once I was armed with knowledge and clarity that this is HIS problem I was able to take my personal power back and do something about it.
For now, when the crazy crap comes out of his mouth tell yourself it isn't true, don't let his words permeate your psyche and stick to you, they are lies!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
Sometimes people take out their self-loathing on another. He thinks he's a loser and it kills him to admit it. Finding fault in someone else distracts him from his problem. His problem is your problem. He is scapegoating you to massage his ego. It is infantile but most alcoholics are. Im 51 and still react to things like Im 16 sometimes. The only way I can change that about me is to stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Lots of great feedback here, and I agree the criticism really wears on a person. How are you doing? Do you have support outside of this marriage? Attend Al-Anon? Detaching from the bad behaviors is key to maintaining your own sanity.
I divorced over this very stuff - it just burned me out - the constant nit-picking at me over asinine trivial things. I just had enough. And I went no-contact with him; its been 8 months and I can honestly say that although being divorced is no easy road, I have found my serenity again and I love it. I will never again subject myself to people like that.
I could have dealt with alcoholism and recovery and all that entails, but the constant barrage of criticism sent me over the edge. Being a recovering alcoholic is fine; being a flaming a-hole is unacceptable.
Join us in the F&F forums - lots of support there, too!
Peace,
~T
I divorced over this very stuff - it just burned me out - the constant nit-picking at me over asinine trivial things. I just had enough. And I went no-contact with him; its been 8 months and I can honestly say that although being divorced is no easy road, I have found my serenity again and I love it. I will never again subject myself to people like that.
I could have dealt with alcoholism and recovery and all that entails, but the constant barrage of criticism sent me over the edge. Being a recovering alcoholic is fine; being a flaming a-hole is unacceptable.
Join us in the F&F forums - lots of support there, too!
Peace,
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5
Thank you to all of your for your support. I have found help in every post. After work I went to Barnes and Noble and purchased both books that were recommended and will be spending my evening with them. I know I have a lot to learn to move forward and not let this (or him) bury me. Thanks again for the support.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Originally Posted by AYP101 
Thank you to all of your for your support. I have found help in every post. After work I went to Barnes and Noble and purchased both books that were recommended and will be spending my evening with them. I know I have a lot to learn to move forward and not let this (or him) bury me. Thanks again for the support.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
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