lovingenabler

I want to see my XABF and tell him everything I feel. That him for the good, let him know how he ****** up...... I have posted on this forum before, I have a long complicated story.......... he drank too much, became verbally abusive, I got fed up, told his family hoping they would help, they got angry at him and all of it backfired when he dumped me the first time one year ago. I begged to get him back because he guilt-tripped me so badly. We got back together and he "quit" drinking for a few months, but then slowly eased himself back in. Finally, it all exploded again one week ago, ON THE SAME DAY AS LAST YEAR!!! last year it was December 23, 2011... and this year it exploded on December 23, 2012........... I take it as a sign from God, like: YOU DIDN'T GET THE MESSAGE LAST TIME, MY CHILD.. I WILL TELL YOU AGAIN, ON THE SAME DAY, SEE IF YOU UNDERSTAND!!!

So I can take a hint, I guess. I will let go. I will not take him back, even though I love him a lot, he is a musician, and so am I. He has been my drummer for my solo project for the past 2 years, he is my webmaster, does a wonderful loving job....... He is affectionate, a talented graphic designer, he is so handsome!!! But he is an alcoholic. It's true. He has a big problem and he has hurt me too much. I am 26, he is 39. I can carry on. I have a chance at life, many chances at life!!!!

But I want to tell him what I feel. I want to thank him for all his love, I want to wish him well. I want closure. I don't want the end of our relationship to be a nasty fight....... I e-mailed him MERRY CHRISTMAS and he e-mailed back, very politely and calmly. I just want to maybe write him an e-mail wishing him best, letting him know that if he ever sobers up and goes to a program he should hit me up...... But, Gosh, I'm so scared of what his reaction might be..... I don't want this to get any worse.

Why is this so hard??????? Any advice????? Should I write in attempt of finding closure? Or swallow my pain alone as I learn to let go???

Katiekate

Awwwww honey, I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.

You know, I wanted to , at one point, apologize to my xabf for my part in the nightmare that was my life due to his drinking. I thought some how it would make me feel better. I too wanted to wish him well. Someone here encouraged me not to.

I'm so glad I didn't, I owe him no apology, no wishing him well, you see, since I have gone nc, he has seeped in from time to time, and every time he emailed, or left messages, or whatever it was, he was vile, and completely an ass. Said thing to just hurt me and try to devastate me again.

Think about working a program, or getting some counseling, you really need some time to do some healing and begin to feel more grounded again before you do any reaching out. Just my opinion.

Please, be more concerned and compassionate and loving to yourself. This is your time.

Sending you lots of Love , Katie

Pelican

Trying to get normal sane relationship results from a relationship with an alcoholic?

Well, that is like going to the hardware store and asking for fresh baked bread.

Write your feelings out in a journal. Allow yourself time to grieve. Then maybe focus on what you can do to give yourself closure.

Boxguy

Closure is important but there is sometimes its just time for things to come to an end. Like all goodbyes it's hard, but you need to concentrate on you. Still stay in contact but try not to expect or ask for anything. I know it's hard

dollydo

He knows what you feel, he knows what you think, we codies tell them the same thing...over and over again...we keep beating a dead horse and the bottom line is that they don't care.

I am sorry that you are hurting, I do understand, I also understand that closure comes when we move forward and let go.

Randy32

OH MY GOd. lol...this story mirrors my own. I was aboutt o post the same themed post and then yours caught my eye.

I DID write my ex and apologize for my end of the things that lead to our relationship ending. I felt a major release when I took repsonsibilty for my part in it all..but Ill be honest, I expected him to acknowledge/ validate/ apologogize for his end..which mainly consisted of his extreemely irradic post rehab drinkning bahaviors and shady episodes, patterns of him getting dumped by me for doing innsane things ( violence, waking up in a ditch on the side of the highway, missing major events, dissapearing altogether ) he said he could " manage " his drinking... SOOOO many times of him begging and begging to have me back and then finally he broke it off because He was unable to " trust me"..not the case at all..but in his mind he thought that because he saw me pull away so many times and knew I wanted somthing " better" for myself..

soooo..I apologized for my end, and any other rational minded human being would have acknowledged theirs as well..make peace, move on..better yourself blah blah...you know what he said?...He threw in my face somthing I said to him in a fight and how easy it was for him to not love me because of it..lol..talk about closure... he literally is the most deluded human being I know...Ive realized someone who struggles with this does not have the capacity to look at this and see it for what it is..it is easier to sweep it under the rug and move on to someone new where the slate is clean...

I find satisfaction in the fact that that slate wont be clean for long, his demons are bound to pop up and at some point he willl be forced to look at himself.

I say, do something to release the anger..put into making yourself feel good, look hot, and DONT feed the anger and hate towards him, it will only bring YOU down.. HIs day will come.

Good vibes and good luck!

brokenrose

Hi lovingenabler, I am so glad I read your post today....you can read mine from yesterday. My axbf dumped me 2 months ago, he had done it a few times over the year and a half we were together but always called back sorry and crying and I took him back.....then things got good for a while, he moved out of the apt he shared with his alcoholic roomate (whom he could judge so easily, but my xabf could not see that he was exactly like him) and was working 50 hours a week, and not drinking because he was with me, anyways out of the blue the week of Halloween he broke up with me, citing I was boring, and always harped on him about his drinking etc.....I went no contact for the first 2 weeks thinking he would come back but then he didn't....so I texted and tried to get him to talk to me and you know what? I felt worse, he kept saying its over, we are done, you are stressing me out....and all I accomplished was making myself feel ten times worth. He knew how I felt about him, but he didn't care. Please don't message him, you will make yourself look needy and trust me, I had to literally sit on my hands on Christmas day not to text him but then I kept thinking for what? Even if he replies it will just be a polite merry Christmas response, if he wants me back he will call, and he has not. I am no contact at all now for 10 days (over a week ago, he paid me back some money he owed me, and he didn't even want to see me in person, he just left it in his mailbox) so I vowed to myself that I was done and I will not ever contact him again because I was just feeding his ego, he doesn't deserve me....if he ever calls I may not even pick up, he hurt me too badly. Please take it from me, don't write to him, it just hurts more and if you want him back, let him miss you, trust me no contact works both ways. Feel free to write me back....I feel your pain. I really do. Hugs and good luck!

ZiggyB

Hi,
I don't think there is any kind of closure you can get from a relationship with an alcoholic. I tried sending a few emails to my axbf and he got angry or ignored them. He still blames me and "my problems" for the relationship ending and refuses to take any responsibility for being irresponsible, verbally abusive and disrespectful. It's really no use, if they wanted to quit drinking to be with us they would have done that while we were still in the relationship with them. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much.

m1k3

From my experience the only closure I got was when I finally forgave myself for the pain I caused me trying to help her.

Your friend,

emeraldsea

I am thinking about checking myself into a hospital tomorrow because my relationship with my RABF has run my (already fragile) mental health ragged.

Mixed in with all the thoughts and fears that go along with that decision? I must confess that more than anything I have been thinking of him. Maybe if I write him an email explaining that I really do understand his pain, that when he disappeared last month I should have understood better. Maybe...he will call me and be there for me. Just like I was there for him when he went to rehab in the summer. Why couldnt he love me enough to stay, or if not, to at least be in touch?

emeraldsea

For the record, this thinking of mine is crazy. I write it just to show how far the desire for closure can take us down the rabbit hole...

brokenrose

Oh yes and one more thing, when I did contact him that first month and said to him, how could you have done this to me after everything I did for you? His response was: well just goes to show you, you shouldnt buy somebody's love"....omg I was sobbing on the inside, how could a person who claimed he loved me a month prior say that to me a month later? He also said he saved all my texts and was thinking I was turning into a nutty ex-gf and to not message him again.....so this time I listened. Please be kind to yourself, preserve your self-worth and walk away with dignity and let him realise what he is ultimately losing!!!!!

PohsFriend

Who was it last week who gave me the slogan "don't just do something, stand there!!!"

A couple thoughts...

First, we rarely make good decisions when we are upset. We get emotional and fearful and often wind up throwing gas on the fire. Writing is GREAT but sending might not be. Thank god for 'save draft', huh? Write it all out, rewrite it twenty times, get all that crud out and leave it on paper... Then file it away for a bit, after things settle down you might see things differently.

Second, nobody can give you closure. You have to find it yourself because until you do, the other person owns your happiness, they can pat you on the head and make you feel elated until they decide to take it away and crush you. This is simple, not easy.

Buffalo66

I spent ten years writing letters and making pleas.
He got sober two years ago, and has remained so, but he has other problems.

We are not together, and it is nice to see him sober and more present, but he is still sick.
Addiction has many underlying issues that you cannot even know about until they are sober for a while.

Some get sober and work a program, some never get sober, some get sober and remain severely dysfunctional.

I think you should ask yourself how much more of your life and energy you want to spend trying to help heal someone who is not spending the same energy on himself.

Write the letter and tuck it away, then write another and tuck it away. Try to get in touch with your sense of self preservation for this new year. Try to imagine what it might be like if you spent all that energy you spend on him on yourself instead.

For most of us it is hard to imagine that. But we are never too old to learn a new trick and you are still quite young.

Tuffgirl

Yes, this above ^^^^^^^^ is a GREAT IDEA!

I wrote many letters that I never sent. And just a few months ago, I destroyed them all. It was very cathartic, both to write them and then to burn them (or in some cases, delete them from my computer).

One thing that was incredibly hard for me in a marriage to an alcoholic was the feeling of never being "heard". And it wasn't just a feeling, it was reality! I wasn't "heard". And I understand now it wasn't because he was evil, or just didn't care, it was because he couldn't cope with anything outside of himself and his addiction.

Accepting that made him less of a "bad person" and me less of a "victim", and it made it easier to forgive myself, like M1K3 says, for hurting myself over and over again trying to salvage a relationship that was doomed, and it also helped me forgive the exAH a little for...well...being who he was.

To me - this is closure.

Peace,
~T

NYCDoglvr

Like other alcoholics, we codependents have a lot of denial and rationalization. There is no closure, or it happens with time passing. Writing to him is a way of staying connected to him and getting back together. I hope you can go to Alanon, it saved my sanity.