Fledgeling Facing New Year's Eve at a Friend's House
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 65
Fledgeling Facing New Year's Eve at a Friend's House
I'm letting myself get backed into a situation here, but I'm trying to remember that I can pray for "they courage to change the things I can."
I was just going to stay home for new year's eve. Me, a movie, and a whatever and however much of the food my heart desires. Then a friend called who had just moved away with his wife. He said the two of them were staying in, not going to drink, and would love for me to stay with them. During the day, he told me, we would go disc golfing, hiking, and bowling at night. They live an hour and a half away. I don't drive (DUI), but I found a meeting just blocks from there house. Perfect!
Then, last night, he said that another mutual friend of ours was bummed that we weren't going to make his prime rib and lobster new year's eve fest. Our friend has about 50 days, but the rest of the crowd are DRINKERS! They're the crowd of drinking friends I was hoping to avoid. I had declined the invitation weeks ago, saying I just wasn't ready. Four+ relapses later, I'm definitely not ready.
Now the guy I'm staying with says, "Well, we might end up going over there. I know my wife wants to. Don't worry though, we won't let you drink. If it's too much though, we won't go."
So I'm in a f'd up place right now. I don't want to ruin their night, or have them agree to stay in (like they said they were going to do) only to be quietly resentful about it. But, I don't want to go to this party! I would buy three lobsters and a cow if we could just stay at the house!
Background info on the couple I'm staying with, the guy's been a friend since high school. I've worked with his wife for years at a side gig, catering. I was in their wedding at the end of October, and they moved away about a week ago. He's a big drinker, can be a lunatic drunk, but goes on sabbaticals of not drinking for several weeks here and there. She's his trusty enabler. So, he was going to stay sober, and now "might head over to that party, but not drink", "might have so-and-so give us a ride so I can have a drink or two," sound familiar? So, for now, we're going to "play it by ear."
The only options I see are:
1) Call him and cancel. He's already on his 1-1/2 hour drive over here. It's not just to pick me up, he has more things of his to bring to their new place.
2) Stay with them, and ask that we don't go to the party. This is what he'll suggest as soon as I try to cancel. It was the original plan! I do need to get out of the house, and all the outdoor activities (plus bowling) sound like a great distraction. Hiking, disc golf; they even have miniature golf!
But I'm afraid they'll see it as me putting them in a "babysitter" role. Or, that they're sacrificing what they want to do "to help a friend." I don't need babysitting, and I don't want anybody sacrificing anything for me because I don't want to owe anybody anything. This is my sh!t. I don't want to sit at their place when the ball drops, scanning the tones of their voices for notes of restrained resentment.
3) Go to the party. Drown myself in seltzer waters of all sorts, hang out with the guy I know who doesn't drink, smoke a thousand and two cigarettes, and sit in the corner with a white knuckle grip on the arm rests when it gets really bad.
Yeah, right. I'll end up having the first drink pushed my way. Then, I'll have to explain to my friends, who "won't let me drink, no matter what" that, "It's New Year's Eve, I'll quit tomorrow with the rest of the world!" Give them that big, confident smile, "What a great first day of sobriety, right?" And I've only got two so far anyways. What would I be screwing up?
What I'd be doing is giving in, YET AGAIN, to that hell bent, masochistic Addictive Voice that's won too many battles already. I finally beat my AV last night, and I need to get on a winning streak here. Go ask a football team if they'd give up a win at the end of a bad season, "just to get a fresh start next season." Momentum doesn't care what day we chose as the beginning/end of the calendar year. For me, this time around the sun, I'm doing Chinese New Year. I'll have more clean time by then.
So, any suggestions on how to handle this tactfully? Thanks, y'all.
I was just going to stay home for new year's eve. Me, a movie, and a whatever and however much of the food my heart desires. Then a friend called who had just moved away with his wife. He said the two of them were staying in, not going to drink, and would love for me to stay with them. During the day, he told me, we would go disc golfing, hiking, and bowling at night. They live an hour and a half away. I don't drive (DUI), but I found a meeting just blocks from there house. Perfect!
Then, last night, he said that another mutual friend of ours was bummed that we weren't going to make his prime rib and lobster new year's eve fest. Our friend has about 50 days, but the rest of the crowd are DRINKERS! They're the crowd of drinking friends I was hoping to avoid. I had declined the invitation weeks ago, saying I just wasn't ready. Four+ relapses later, I'm definitely not ready.
Now the guy I'm staying with says, "Well, we might end up going over there. I know my wife wants to. Don't worry though, we won't let you drink. If it's too much though, we won't go."
So I'm in a f'd up place right now. I don't want to ruin their night, or have them agree to stay in (like they said they were going to do) only to be quietly resentful about it. But, I don't want to go to this party! I would buy three lobsters and a cow if we could just stay at the house!
Background info on the couple I'm staying with, the guy's been a friend since high school. I've worked with his wife for years at a side gig, catering. I was in their wedding at the end of October, and they moved away about a week ago. He's a big drinker, can be a lunatic drunk, but goes on sabbaticals of not drinking for several weeks here and there. She's his trusty enabler. So, he was going to stay sober, and now "might head over to that party, but not drink", "might have so-and-so give us a ride so I can have a drink or two," sound familiar? So, for now, we're going to "play it by ear."
The only options I see are:
1) Call him and cancel. He's already on his 1-1/2 hour drive over here. It's not just to pick me up, he has more things of his to bring to their new place.
2) Stay with them, and ask that we don't go to the party. This is what he'll suggest as soon as I try to cancel. It was the original plan! I do need to get out of the house, and all the outdoor activities (plus bowling) sound like a great distraction. Hiking, disc golf; they even have miniature golf!
But I'm afraid they'll see it as me putting them in a "babysitter" role. Or, that they're sacrificing what they want to do "to help a friend." I don't need babysitting, and I don't want anybody sacrificing anything for me because I don't want to owe anybody anything. This is my sh!t. I don't want to sit at their place when the ball drops, scanning the tones of their voices for notes of restrained resentment.
3) Go to the party. Drown myself in seltzer waters of all sorts, hang out with the guy I know who doesn't drink, smoke a thousand and two cigarettes, and sit in the corner with a white knuckle grip on the arm rests when it gets really bad.
Yeah, right. I'll end up having the first drink pushed my way. Then, I'll have to explain to my friends, who "won't let me drink, no matter what" that, "It's New Year's Eve, I'll quit tomorrow with the rest of the world!" Give them that big, confident smile, "What a great first day of sobriety, right?" And I've only got two so far anyways. What would I be screwing up?
What I'd be doing is giving in, YET AGAIN, to that hell bent, masochistic Addictive Voice that's won too many battles already. I finally beat my AV last night, and I need to get on a winning streak here. Go ask a football team if they'd give up a win at the end of a bad season, "just to get a fresh start next season." Momentum doesn't care what day we chose as the beginning/end of the calendar year. For me, this time around the sun, I'm doing Chinese New Year. I'll have more clean time by then.
So, any suggestions on how to handle this tactfully? Thanks, y'all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WI
Posts: 13
If it were me, I would stay home like you originally intended. Going to the party sounds more like work than fun. Also, it's not really fair for your friend to throw you a curveball like that (last miute plans to a party). I know it sucks, but it seems like the sensible thing to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 929
Wow, this is really, really easy.
" Yeah, you know what, I've decided to stay home this year. Happy Newyear and I'll be in touch. "
These things need not be overly complicated.
Either you want to remain sober or you don't. If you do, then do the right thing and avoid the giant booze fuelled New Years party.
" Yeah, you know what, I've decided to stay home this year. Happy Newyear and I'll be in touch. "
These things need not be overly complicated.
Either you want to remain sober or you don't. If you do, then do the right thing and avoid the giant booze fuelled New Years party.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Anyone newly sober, ore for that matter anyone in recovery should not put themselves in a drinking atmosphere, and especially new years eve without a solid plan. This plan must include an escape route. Considering that you're relying on him for a ride, you already don't have that escape route.
Under the circumstances I would have to recommend that you stick to your origional plans. If he's a good friend then he'll respect your wishes, and concerns.
You're not the one who diverted from just going to your friend and his wifes place. So don't feel bad about cancelling.
Under the circumstances I would have to recommend that you stick to your origional plans. If he's a good friend then he'll respect your wishes, and concerns.
You're not the one who diverted from just going to your friend and his wifes place. So don't feel bad about cancelling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 65
Thanks. Okay, just called. He said they didn't want to go to this party in the first place. The guy who was having the party was complaining about them not going. They want to stay at the house and play board games. So, I'm going to go. I thought that they were doing it for me (everything's always about me, isn't it?) Not so.
He's on his way to come pick me up and we're back to the original plan. Outdoors hiking/disc-golf, evening bowling, dinner at a new BBq place.
Hope I'm doing the right thing here. I know I'm not going to drink, now it's just a question of whether or not I'll be miserable. Got to stop by a store and load up on the N/A bevs, snacks, ICE CREAM, and all that.
He's on his way to come pick me up and we're back to the original plan. Outdoors hiking/disc-golf, evening bowling, dinner at a new BBq place.
Hope I'm doing the right thing here. I know I'm not going to drink, now it's just a question of whether or not I'll be miserable. Got to stop by a store and load up on the N/A bevs, snacks, ICE CREAM, and all that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
I hope you enjoy your evening t their house, but if you have any reservations at all I would stay home. I will be home with the kids and husband. He will still be having a few beverages, the kids and I have purchased three different sparkling drinks at trader joes. I told them I have dibs on the pomegranate, but maybe I will share.
I had a revelation as I was driving home with my appetizers and sparkling juices, I didn't even think about going down the wine aisle, and walked right past the displays of champagne and wasn't tempted or bothered by them.
I guess I have digressed from your original question, stay home if you are even slightly questioning the night. There will be another NYE next year and you will have much more sober time under your belt.
I had a revelation as I was driving home with my appetizers and sparkling juices, I didn't even think about going down the wine aisle, and walked right past the displays of champagne and wasn't tempted or bothered by them.
I guess I have digressed from your original question, stay home if you are even slightly questioning the night. There will be another NYE next year and you will have much more sober time under your belt.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
On edit, you already resolved it, I started this long one when there were only four ir five replies. So take that into account, I will leave it.
You are stressing out over this, and isn't that what leads us to drinking for comfort when that nasty ol world just isn't fair? Who are these people to put you into this predicament? They haven't. You did, knowing full well they were drinkers. Yep you are setting yourself up. Forget your expectations of others. If they are drinking that, as we all know so well, IS the fun! And boring to the sober ones. The only solution when stuck is to give in. NOT!
No, I agree with all the others. And instead of feeling deprived, or blaming yourself or them, try some gratitude and meditate on how lucky you were to get this far, and that other than New Years you have friends that are there for you. Does AA have anything going on?
You see, this ain't yer first rodeo, and won't be your last. Funny thing. I am recovered, don't have any cravings or desire, in fact my wife still drinks and keeps a half gallon of her scotch in the house in the pantry. I don't even notice it when I move it out of the way. Might as well be a can of cranberry sauce.
But here is what I can tell you when you get another New Years coming up with no relapse. At least for me, you couldn't drag me to a heavy drinking celebration even though I know I am in no danger of drinking if I went - Boooring! I don't resent my not going. Especially New Years morning feeling great. They have the celebration on TV too you know.
Lastly, why are you still relying on others for your entertainment? Why not invite someone over to your place for a nice non alcoholic Rockin New Years Eve? Don't have a non drinking friend? Make one!
Have a great New Years Eve, I know I will, and will have my goid luck black eye peas New Years too!
You are stressing out over this, and isn't that what leads us to drinking for comfort when that nasty ol world just isn't fair? Who are these people to put you into this predicament? They haven't. You did, knowing full well they were drinkers. Yep you are setting yourself up. Forget your expectations of others. If they are drinking that, as we all know so well, IS the fun! And boring to the sober ones. The only solution when stuck is to give in. NOT!
No, I agree with all the others. And instead of feeling deprived, or blaming yourself or them, try some gratitude and meditate on how lucky you were to get this far, and that other than New Years you have friends that are there for you. Does AA have anything going on?
You see, this ain't yer first rodeo, and won't be your last. Funny thing. I am recovered, don't have any cravings or desire, in fact my wife still drinks and keeps a half gallon of her scotch in the house in the pantry. I don't even notice it when I move it out of the way. Might as well be a can of cranberry sauce.
But here is what I can tell you when you get another New Years coming up with no relapse. At least for me, you couldn't drag me to a heavy drinking celebration even though I know I am in no danger of drinking if I went - Boooring! I don't resent my not going. Especially New Years morning feeling great. They have the celebration on TV too you know.
Lastly, why are you still relying on others for your entertainment? Why not invite someone over to your place for a nice non alcoholic Rockin New Years Eve? Don't have a non drinking friend? Make one!
Have a great New Years Eve, I know I will, and will have my goid luck black eye peas New Years too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 65
I'll be staying in no matter what. I'm bringing my laptop and droid, so I plan on MULTIPLE SR check ins throughout the day, tonight, tomorrow, and tomorrow night.
Comforting to know I've got you guys right here in my pocket with me
Comforting to know I've got you guys right here in my pocket with me
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by Itchy
Have a great New Years Eve, I know I will, and will have my goid luck black eye peas New Years too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast 
I didn't mean to offend you or appear selfish. I just mean you need to put yourself first in early recovery.
I appreciate the reminder!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by GWillikers
Oh, no. I meant seriously, you're absolutely right. Someone had told me that before and it really made sense. I can only clean my own little corner of the world right now, and of course try not to throw all my crap into someone else's. But that doesn't mean entertaining them.
I appreciate the reminder!
I appreciate the reminder!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
