InfinityAngel

Where to begin. I have been sober/clean for almost 18 months. However, I only recently began to try to implement some sort of recovery system in my life. I believe this has helped me learn to face my demons and is helping me grow, but I get frustrated with myself. I keep seeing my addictive tendencies in other forms now. Sometimes it presents itself at work. Other times, and most often, it presents itself in the form of the relationships I have with everyone around me now. Whether it be family, friends, or romantic, I find myself yo-yoing. I push people away for a period, then I cling to them as if they could disappear into thin air in a second. Also, I get to the point where I believe in a higher-power, something that will help guide me to where I need to be, but as soon as I find serenity, there seems to be constant challenging because something bad will happen and my whole world crumbles.

It is getting better, but it is slow learning to deal with life like a normal person. Another problem to face is that I don't have as many people to turn to for guidance and support as I believe would be helpful for me. Part of that is because of what I just mentioned above. The other part is because my ex, who was my using buddy, and I are trying to remain separate, for fear of both tempting the other to return to use, but we have a child together.

I do attempt to do every little bit I can to move forward every day, but it is so slow. I get mad and frustrated at myself. I never give myself positive feedback for the things I do accomplish. I wish I could learn to love myself a little faster and a little better. Did anyone else have this spiraling feeling even when not actively using and trying to recover? What was it like? Did it ever go away? What helped or worked? What didn't help or didn't work? Any comments would be great. Thanks.

lilyrosemary

Hey infinity angel. Yes, I experience a lot if what you mention. Taking the drugs and alcohol out if my life did not fix what I believe to be my real problem. Very low self esteem. Self worth, but I work on it every single day and, yes, very frustrating! That self confident, strong, stable girl is in there somewhere, right? Things that were unintentionally drilled into my mind that I had to be perfect have to be erased and replaced with the fact that I know I am damn good, as is, but I continue each day to pray and grow. It may have taken years for me to get programmed in the negative but self acceptance is the key to freedom. I googled some self confidence building workshop material that helped some. I just mainly wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I understand. And I wish you the very best : )

foodie1

Hi InfinityAngel and welcome to SR. For me, AA and working the steps keeps me from feeling "stark raving sober." Wishing you the very best in your recovery method of choice!

tomsteve

welcome!! serenity for me is having that peace in times when i have to trudge; knowing that no matter what, the final outcome is exactly the way it is supposed to be; to be at ok with who i am; to know that i am human and will never be perfect; that life is not a race, but a marathon.
nope, i dont always have serenity. it disappears when thing dont go the way i plan, thinking i know better than my higher power what is best for me and the world.

"but as soon as I find serenity, there seems to be constant challenging because something bad will happen and my whole world crumbles."
yup, i had that. drama and chaos were the norm for me when i was drinking. it was an addition.whne i got that serentiy, it didnt feel right, so i would throw a wrench into it and turn whatever was goin on into chaos and drama. i had to make a decision: did i want drama and chaos or did i want serenity and peace? then put in the footwork to change me.

InfinityAngel

Thanks Foodie1, I think NA would be the best fit for me. I've been reading up on stepwork and it looks so....I dunno...amazing... It looks like a lot of hard work, but the challenge looks rewarding too. "stark raving sober" feels like the exact way to describe how I feel. Thanks for the post.

InfinityAngel

Thanks for the understanding. Learning to love myself, accept myself, and wanting to grow seem to be the biggest challenge, but I know it's all for the best...

InfinityAngel

Yeah, I keep allowing or rather putting myself into those dramatic/chaotic situations. It's like somebody smacking their head on a revolving door and never realizing that the pain is caused by this insanely repeated action. I'm slowly learning how to step out of the way. I have to quit complaining, quit procrastinating, and put the work in even if I have to trudge when the motivation isn't there. You're right. That is the serenity I seek, top be able to trudge/cope when all falls down. That truly is serenity.