I don't know how to start................
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pueblo West, CO
Posts: 3
I don't know how to start................
I found this site looking for options for my brother. Here is some history. My siblings and I were brought up in an alcoholic household. I'm pretty sure everyone has the same or similar story. I'm a middle child with older sister and younger brother.
My Mother is a Veteran (Air Force). My Father Retired Air Force. Many nights being waken up with fights, guns drawn, holes in the walls, and packing to take us kids away by my mother. My Mother was always hitting my older Sister. I remember calling my friend every time telling her I was leaving and saying good bye. I stopped doing that after a year. I remember many times being in the car while my Mother drove us home from the bar very drunk. It happened every night, even school nights for years. The three of us kids were practically brought up in the bar. Our Parents divorced when I was 15 years old. Mom left and didn't see her for over a year. My Dad found someone new and abandoned us as well, my younger brother and I. At least he paid rent and did buy some food. Not much for a growing younger brother though. At that time my sister had already moved out. She had cocaine and other addictions. We had no one. CPS was called do to the concern from the school because I had to barrow lunch from the school many times. I was 98 lbs and my skin color was green because you could see the veins in my face. Not my best looking days. CPS never talked to us. And my Father stayed the night a few nights after that. Then it started over again. This is just a tip off of the iceberg.
So let me get to the reason I'm on here.
The concern tonight is my brother. He has a dependency problem. Of what? anything he can get his hands on. He tried to commit suicide about 2 years ago. Gun shot to the chest. The doctors had to remove part of his left lung lobe. He is on medication, antipsychotics and anxiety medication. He refuses to talk to me about problems because he is afraid I'll think ill of him. I've told him repeatedly that no matter what he does I'll still love him. I cant get him to talk to me is the problem. I cant get him to get help and I'm lost. He tried a half way house (work release) and was kicked out for fighting not even 24 hours of being there. So the new situation is that he went to visit our Sister for Christmas and he got into her drugs and alcohol while he was there. He made him self unpleasant to be around while he was there. My sister dropped him off at the bus station to go home and them proceeded to be unpleasant to people and was almost arrested. My sister had to go back to the station to smooth things over. My brother has an anger problem as well as paranoia problem. He refuses to get help and everyone is walking on eggshells around him. They are afraid he will try to commit suicide again. My Father has washed his hands of him and my Mother is enabling him. I forgot this part he is 28 years old and hasn't held a job. He lives with our Mother who is a very mean drunk as well. My Husband refuses for my Brother to live here due to the past problems of trying to help my Brother. I'm lost on what to do, or to cope with all of this.
My Mother is a Veteran (Air Force). My Father Retired Air Force. Many nights being waken up with fights, guns drawn, holes in the walls, and packing to take us kids away by my mother. My Mother was always hitting my older Sister. I remember calling my friend every time telling her I was leaving and saying good bye. I stopped doing that after a year. I remember many times being in the car while my Mother drove us home from the bar very drunk. It happened every night, even school nights for years. The three of us kids were practically brought up in the bar. Our Parents divorced when I was 15 years old. Mom left and didn't see her for over a year. My Dad found someone new and abandoned us as well, my younger brother and I. At least he paid rent and did buy some food. Not much for a growing younger brother though. At that time my sister had already moved out. She had cocaine and other addictions. We had no one. CPS was called do to the concern from the school because I had to barrow lunch from the school many times. I was 98 lbs and my skin color was green because you could see the veins in my face. Not my best looking days. CPS never talked to us. And my Father stayed the night a few nights after that. Then it started over again. This is just a tip off of the iceberg.
So let me get to the reason I'm on here.
The concern tonight is my brother. He has a dependency problem. Of what? anything he can get his hands on. He tried to commit suicide about 2 years ago. Gun shot to the chest. The doctors had to remove part of his left lung lobe. He is on medication, antipsychotics and anxiety medication. He refuses to talk to me about problems because he is afraid I'll think ill of him. I've told him repeatedly that no matter what he does I'll still love him. I cant get him to talk to me is the problem. I cant get him to get help and I'm lost. He tried a half way house (work release) and was kicked out for fighting not even 24 hours of being there. So the new situation is that he went to visit our Sister for Christmas and he got into her drugs and alcohol while he was there. He made him self unpleasant to be around while he was there. My sister dropped him off at the bus station to go home and them proceeded to be unpleasant to people and was almost arrested. My sister had to go back to the station to smooth things over. My brother has an anger problem as well as paranoia problem. He refuses to get help and everyone is walking on eggshells around him. They are afraid he will try to commit suicide again. My Father has washed his hands of him and my Mother is enabling him. I forgot this part he is 28 years old and hasn't held a job. He lives with our Mother who is a very mean drunk as well. My Husband refuses for my Brother to live here due to the past problems of trying to help my Brother. I'm lost on what to do, or to cope with all of this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
First off, I'm really glad you found SR. I've never wrestled with any addiction but my own; hopefully others will be along to offer advice on ways to handle family members. Though of course in the end, I think it will be up to your brother to reach out, ya know? There's only so much anyone else can do.
How about you? Are you taking care of yourself? That's a lot of stress to be under.
Glad you found us. SR specializes in fixing broken souls.
How about you? Are you taking care of yourself? That's a lot of stress to be under.
Glad you found us. SR specializes in fixing broken souls.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Also you might want to start a second post in this section; lot of folks there who are in your position:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Hang in there!
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Hang in there!
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Hi BrokenSoul and welcome to SR. You might find our Friends and Family forum useful.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Tell your brother ab out SR. Check out local support groups, like NA Meetings and show them times and places.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Tell your brother ab out SR. Check out local support groups, like NA Meetings and show them times and places.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pueblo West, CO
Posts: 3
I started seeing a councilor but he was a quack. Really! But he did tell me about this website in a roundabout way. I'm healthy and doing okay but I have problems opening up to people because I don't want them to judge me or my family. I never talk about what is troubling be either and that has put a strain on my marriage. Hence the Councilor. I come off as not caring to people or cold hearted. I have very few friends and they don't know anything about my upbringing. And yes this is taking a tole on me. But I take it a day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Florida US
Posts: 296
Oh Broken what a difficult situation. I know someone with similar problems as your brother who refused help for years. Eventually he was diagnosed with BPD or borderline personality disorder. This person was the 5th of 6th children by emotionally immature and narcissistic parents and had a very sad childhood.
I visit a forum called Facing the Facts for advice on how to best help this person and how to help myself as this person's behavior upsets and saddens me tremendously. I have been helped beyond measure by the wise people of the Facing the Facts forum. This forum is also for sufferers of BPD. Many post their struggles and share what helps them. Most BPD's are undiagnosed. Your brother behavior is very similar to the behaviors described on the site I mentioned. It is believed BPD stems from emotional neglect or other trauma suffered in childhood. Perhaps your brother would be interested in checking out the site himself. Have him google "Facing the Facts" and he'll find the forum. It's full of resources, recommended therapies, etc. For you I highly recommend a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. I got it at Amazon.
I hope you are able to find the help your brother needs. You are a great sister and your brother is lucky to have you.
Natalie
I visit a forum called Facing the Facts for advice on how to best help this person and how to help myself as this person's behavior upsets and saddens me tremendously. I have been helped beyond measure by the wise people of the Facing the Facts forum. This forum is also for sufferers of BPD. Many post their struggles and share what helps them. Most BPD's are undiagnosed. Your brother behavior is very similar to the behaviors described on the site I mentioned. It is believed BPD stems from emotional neglect or other trauma suffered in childhood. Perhaps your brother would be interested in checking out the site himself. Have him google "Facing the Facts" and he'll find the forum. It's full of resources, recommended therapies, etc. For you I highly recommend a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. I got it at Amazon.
I hope you are able to find the help your brother needs. You are a great sister and your brother is lucky to have you.
Natalie
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome BrokenSoul -
My heart goes out to you. :ghug3 Alcoholism reeks havoc on the family, and you had a double dose of it with both parents. I can only imagine how difficult it is to see your brother going through this as well.
Just know that you're not alone..... there are so many others here who have found themselves in similar situations and can offer support.
My heart goes out to you. :ghug3 Alcoholism reeks havoc on the family, and you had a double dose of it with both parents. I can only imagine how difficult it is to see your brother going through this as well.
Just know that you're not alone..... there are so many others here who have found themselves in similar situations and can offer support.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi BrokenSoul
I'm really sorry for your situation, but I'm really glad you've found us too - you'll find a lot of support and understanding here
It's really hard to know how to help, or what to do for someone who doesn't seem to want help...but I think getting some help for yourself might not be a bad start?
I don't know if you've heard of AlAnon but I encourage you to look into it...you'll find a lot of encouragement help and support there too - and learn a lot about how to cope, I think, as well.
I found counselling was helpful for me too - I'm an alcoholic, so I'm from the other side of the fence, but I had a lot of childhood stuff I needed to work through, and counselling helped me with that.
I know it can all seem a little daunting, but the important thing to remember is you're not alone here - not now
Welcome to SR!
D
I'm really sorry for your situation, but I'm really glad you've found us too - you'll find a lot of support and understanding here
It's really hard to know how to help, or what to do for someone who doesn't seem to want help...but I think getting some help for yourself might not be a bad start?
I don't know if you've heard of AlAnon but I encourage you to look into it...you'll find a lot of encouragement help and support there too - and learn a lot about how to cope, I think, as well.
I found counselling was helpful for me too - I'm an alcoholic, so I'm from the other side of the fence, but I had a lot of childhood stuff I needed to work through, and counselling helped me with that.
I know it can all seem a little daunting, but the important thing to remember is you're not alone here - not now
Welcome to SR!
D
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