Tellmenolies

Aim new here and am so confused .i have started getting help from a counsellor and pastor a few months ago. Went to a group I thought for my out of control daughter. Ended up realizing much of her crazy behaviour was due to her dads alcoholism.she too struggles.she would be violent with me physically and emotionally. She'd damage our home shed not follow rules etc. a living hell. My husband left me to all the parenting. He has been sober for a year but now on and off with anxiety meds. He is and always been sickly kind to me. So much that I had no idea anything was as bad as it was. He kept blaming our problems indirectly on daughter. We had no sex for years . He was into porn. He is extremely religious so keeps saying he quit all bad behaviour and I should forgive. I love God and struggle with this the most.i ask him to leave he acts and says all the right things. But still leaves most problems to me.we go around and around. people think we have the best life.trips,money,beautiful home,church on Sunday,and aim so fortunate to have such a great man who dotes on me. I realize now he is passive aggressive. Iam strong emotionally but since have had enough! 30 years of it! Sometimes I think I am the crazy one for wanting to leave. I wake up terrified I am not dreaming! He's not drinking am I asking to much? Are all men afraid of intimacy. I am tired of the roller coaster .

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as much as needed. We are here to support you. We understand.

Some of our stories are in the Sticky Posts at the top of this forum's main page. The Stickies are some older posts that have been permanently preserved for future reading. I always find wisdom when I read in those posts.

you mentioned:
To be direct: Forgiveness is a separate issue from forgetting past behavior. To forgive does not mean you forget the unacceptable behavior. The past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.

You mentioned that your husband is sober. Is he working with a program, a counselor or using self-improvement exercises to become a better person/husband/father? Or is he just sober (no longer working his hand-to-mouth drinking ritual)?

Just as there is a difference between forgiveness and forgetting past behavior, there is a difference between sober and recovering from active addictive behaviors.

Tellmenolies

He hasn't joined any groups just quit after several attempts before.this time was different he said cuz he saw his pastor.Because I have asked him to leave after our daughters last explosion he has since said he will start AA in the new year after I told him about dry drunk. He said he read up on the symptoms and will go. After he said this I asked what symptoms were and he could only remember one. When pressed he said he didn't see himself like that or agreed with it. I said why you lie and pretend like you agreed then? I am starting to see the false words now with knowledge.

Pelican

Good on you.

We have an expression around here:
"Stop listening to their words and look at their actions."
He just showed you that he is willing to say exactly what you want to hear. This form of manipulation is used to get the monkey off his back for a little while longer.

Addicts are master manipulators, liars, blame-shifters and deeply in denial.

Tellmenolies

Thanks to the knowledge hear and group and psychologist aim seeing first hand. He is a genius at it.i had no idea that this was going on till my kids grew up and started telling me stuff. I feel incredibly stupid for not being more observant and so trusting, 30 years of this and I still give him the benefit of the doubt. I have learned a lot in a short 2 months and I feel like this cannot be possible or happening.

ReflectingOnMe

I've noticed that lying seems to go hand-in-hand with the active alcoholic. It was hard for me to accept that it was all a lie because I couldn't understand WHY. I have since learned that there is no reasoning it out. They just lie. I'm glad you have found this forum. These are some amazing people.

Tellmenolies

I have just started to find out how many lies and years of manipulating.my life is a lie! And Iam scared to death to find my kids are in trouble too with addictions.the abusive one lies and manipulates too.then they say its cuz Iam controlling. My counsellor says someone had to drive the family!

Recovering2

You didn't cause it , You can't cure it, You can't control it. Tell yourself that every time someone tries to point the finger at you for their bad choices. A's will cross all boundaries to support their lies and addiction. Find an AlAnon group near you. It's a safe place to either just be quiet and listen, or to voice your concerns and get support. No judgement, no cross talk, no questioning. Just support. I leave every meeting a little stronger, but only because I listen and apply it to my life. Not because anyone has told me to be stronger.

Tellmenolies

I have been going for 2 months and everytime i speak i just bawl.The people ar fab! But hate that isound like a victim. this is Not a role i have ever been comfortable in but find comfort in expressing years of silence in a safe place.

Recovering2

I still cry every meeting. That's okay. You're right, it's a safe place to let those feelings out. The people in that room get my "crazy" like no one else can. Most of the time I just listen, but when I speak I feel safe. No judgement, no advice, no questions. Be gentle with yourself, don't expect too much too soon. Your recovery will happen.

Here's an excerpt from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. There are daily meditations. Dec 15th: "Today, I will allow myself to recognize and accept whatever feelings pass through me. Without shame, I will tune in to the emotional part of myself."

Tellmenolies

Omy thats beautiful...i love it...ty