thislonelygirl

Found out yesterday upon seeing it myself first that ah is drinking straight vodka from the bottle.he admitted that hes been doing it here lately as well.
Me ....im doing ok regardless. The me before would have taken this to heart and felt broken that he were doing that but the me today finds myself un caring over it.
It doesnt impact me. But I do know that it seems I learn something everyday...things that dont surprise me about his drinking and things that now surprise me about myself.
That actually feels great to say strangely it really does....that over the last few months I have learned that his actions are his alone and that nothing he does could surprise me. Hes actively using so it shouldnt. The dissapearing act, the quaking, the lack of eating and sleeping etc etc etc....
So does him drinking straight alcohol surprise or upset me? Nope.
Over the last yr he started family wars literally telling his family that his drinking was because of me....that I dont clean. Always b**** dont cook etc . Something I know he would not have said actively using. True or not.
He has dissapeared on work nights....something he would not do actively using as well.
There are many many more instances all of which you can imagine had made ripples even waves in our lives and me being the "bad guy" .
I felt defeated a time or two being that my ah is an alcoholic which alone is hard and then the ripples that made way outward and into the rest of the family that nearly isolated me from everyone because instead of blaming the addiction....they looked at believing the addict and in doing so..... blamed me.
Thankfully things have been better on that part.
I just trailed off a bit. Getting a few things off my mind.
So anyhow things I learned today. 1. Hes been drinking straight liquor .
2. His co workers informed him that he smells of alcohol when he goes to work that he needs to get a handle on it and 3. That I am less impacted by his journey.
And 4. That I have my own journey......just trying to find the way there.

Recovering2

Your post touched a nerve with me. When my ABF was actively drinking, I took the brunt of the blame. I would over hear phone conversations, blaming me for not meeting people for dinner. I never even knew there had been dinner plans! I heard him use the word B--ch when talking about me. I saw emails that were disrespectful to me. People in his world who didn't know me all that well surely thought I was the problem. Then I find out (only when he went into treatment) that he had been calling my elderly parents with concerns about my anger and my drinking!!! Seriously! You're laying this crap on my parents?? Of course, this was before his hospitalization. Now he loves me, wants only me.
I have been through my own therapy, and am getting the lessons on an intellectual level. I am still trying to let go of the pain of being disrespected. I hope when he comes home in a few weeks I am as strong as you have become.

thislonelygirl

Recovering 2-

The thing that helps is to not let anyone change who you are.
I have been angry sad sick hurt ...you name it over his drinking
But it wasnt until I accepted that I was partly responsible. Not for his drinking but how much power
I gave his addiction over me. I still struggle but that the anger the hurt I feel and have felt and will feel I try to push that aside because there are only two outcomes to it....I can accept the hurt and hurt. Or I can accept the hurt and move on. I choose to move on but as far as the blame game....he cannot change who I am ....he doesnt get to say who I am ...I make who I am and others can see it or dont but I know the truth and I refuse to let his blaming push me to anger to validate his blaming.
I choose to emotionally prove him wrong in the eyes of others and when and if he gets sober....maybe then he will mend not only himself but the relationship between us his drinking impacted. The disrespect I too have felt