what do i do?

Old 12-29-2012, 02:26 PM
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what do i do?

ive been in a relationship with my current bf for almost a year now.. jan 1st will be a year.. we have a baby girl due march 9th.. i also have a 6 year old and a 2 year old... he has a pain pill addiction also uses "weed" and alcohol at times.. its one extreme to the next.. ive tried to be there for him and that dont work since he continuously lies to me.. about everything.. even if its not about drug use he still lies about it... ive tried talking to the people that i no care about him.. he has them all convinced im a liar and im crazy.. ive tried chasing his dealers off.. yeah now he just meets them in secret and i feel like there is basically no trust.. everyone tells me he cant help it.. but im at a loss as to if he loved me the way he says he does how could he put me my kids and our unborn baby thru this mess.. ive even tried telling him we can work past anything so long as you are honest about it.. im at the point to where i dont no what to do.. walk away or stay.. i do love him more then anything else in the world.. but if i stay how can i help him.. since everything i have tried has blown up in my face.. ive looked for hotlines to call for support and cant find any.. im not sure where to turn for help for me.. i understand he needs treatment but its taking its toll on me and i really need someone to talk to myself.. and im cut off from everyone i no.. and the ones im not cut off from i dont like talking to this with them about since they judge him and then throw it up in his face and i no that doesnt help..
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Old 12-29-2012, 02:36 PM
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Welcome to SR! There is a lot of great information for you to read that will help you answer many of your questions. Please read the stickies at the top of the board.

Your bf's one and true love is his addiction. Plain and simple. If left untreated, it will progress beyond your wildest nightmares. I know, my husband became addicted to pain killers too. During his active addiction, the once loving, honest man I married had become a lying, manipulative, selfish jerk. It's part of the disease. They will lie blame, manipulate, deflect, steal, deny - all too protect and sustain their addiction.

Love has nothing to do with addiction, if it did - none of would be here. Keep reading and posting. it will help!
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Old 12-29-2012, 02:42 PM
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" i do love him more then anything else in the world.. but if i stay how can i help him"

You can't, it is all up to him. Your children should be your priorty, you should love them more than anything else in the world. IMO, your priorties are off kilter, children deserve at least one responsible parent, an active user cannot be a good parent...period.

Addicts lie, that is what they do, then they lie somemore. He has a disease that has no cure, it is just a matter of whether he is clean/sober and working a strong recovery program or not, that is it.

Might be time to work on you, and redirect your thinking, focus on your children, not him and his addiction.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.
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Old 12-29-2012, 02:59 PM
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hot really sure what you guys mean by the stickies at the top of the page
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Old 12-29-2012, 03:01 PM
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and let me reprase that.. to most people it is obvuois that my kids are my number 1.. i was basically saying that i love him more then anything else in the world besides my children.. didnt no that i had to clarify that.. sorry most people no.. but yes i do take alot of my time and attention away from my kids in order to focus on him and i no thats not right.. but i do feel like he needs someone to be there constantly since he is not making the best choices on his own i feel like i need to be there to push for him to make the right choices
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Old 12-29-2012, 03:04 PM
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They are right below the "new thread' tab.

Where is the father to your other children? Are you a child of an addict/alcoholic parent?
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Old 12-29-2012, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by TamaraSchaade View Post
and let me reprase that.. to most people it is obvuois that my kids are my number 1.. i was basically saying that i love him more then anything else in the world besides my children.. didnt no that i had to clarify that.. sorry most people no.. but yes i do take alot of my time and attention away from my kids in order to focus on him and i no thats not right.. but i do feel like he needs someone to be there constantly since he is not making the best choices on his own i feel like i need to be there to push for him to make the right choices
Is playing babysitter, warden or detective what you really want for your life. Many of us have done it, eventually it will make you as sick as him. The lies, the lack of trust, the blame, the insanity will take you right done with him.

The addict doesn't get to be number one because he can't make good choices. It's his life to do as he pleases as is yours. Doesn't a healthy, contributing, honest, trustworthy partner seem so much better???

Speaking from my own experience, I would never ever live with an active again! You couldn't pay me enough!!!!!!!!!
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Old 12-29-2012, 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by TamaraSchaade View Post
and let me reprase that.. to most people it is obvuois that my kids are my number 1.. i was basically saying that i love him more then anything else in the world besides my children.. didnt no that i had to clarify that.. sorry most people no..
I am glad that children are your #1.

I know for me- I put my Addicted Other before my children many times in the past.

I fought loud and long with AO causing my children pain.

I was in denial about how bad it was and let AO take care of the children while i worked. Only to find out he was snorting coke in the house while i was gone... he was high on oxys and unable to function or care for them... he was driving them around when he went to score from the dealers.... dinner wouldnt be.until 10 at night because he was busy snorting or trying to score he forgot he had to make it.

My.children sat and watched me give gift after gift to AO hoping to make him happy and that he would stop using.

I covered for AO when he sold or pawned the kids electronics for drugs.

My kids have walked in on AO in the bathroom while he was using.

I have dealt with evictions and utility shut offs because bill money went to drugs.

My kids have seen me crying my heart out for days on end.

My kids and i have gone without because AO's addiction came first.

The kids have distant relationships from family due to the drugs.

For four + years i let AO and his addiction come first. I am finally in a position to put myself and the kids before him now.

Carrie
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Old 12-29-2012, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Doesn't a healthy, contributing, honest, trustworthy partner seem so much better?
LMN, it does sound so much better.

Carrie
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Old 12-29-2012, 03:40 PM
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now that you put it that way.. i havent been putting my children first.. ive done the same things as you have.. put his needs wants above everyone elses.. i thought i was trying to help him..
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Old 12-29-2012, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by TamaraSchaade View Post
now that you put it that way.. i havent been putting my children first.. ive done the same things as you have.. put his needs wants above everyone elses.. i thought i was trying to help him..
Trust me, there aren't too many you can "fool" on here, especially Dolydo!! She calls it like she sees it, her truthful words and wisdom can sting like he!! (but psssst.... don't tell anyone but she really has a heart of gold and knows her stuff!!)
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:05 PM
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"but i do feel like he needs someone to be there constantly since he is not making the best choices on his own i feel like i need to be there to push for him to make the right choices."

You can push, you can pull, you can cry a river, yell, bribe, ignore and none of these actions will make one bit of difference. This is an inside job, he is in charge and control of him, you are not, you never will be, you are not that powerful. In the throws of active addiction, the addicts first love is their DOC, that's it. Girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands and children all fall somewhere behind in the pecking order....they are all the same, it is part of their disease, there are no exceptions, although we codies believe that "Our Addicts" are unique, yet in truth, they are not.

Cynical One's blogs can be accessed at the top of this page, click on blogs, search under her member name...read about codependency and enablers, read about addiction and families of addicts....knowledge is power, learn, if not for you, for your children, they will carry their childhood into adulthood.

I appreciate Secondwind's honesty, as a child I lived it, I was one of the many children who had no voice, whose mother was an alcoholic and a women who put men first, in her case multiple men, all of whom were abusive alcoholics.
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:17 PM
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"but i do feel like he needs someone to be there constantly since he is not making the best choices on his own i feel like i need to be there to push for him to make the right choices."

For me personally this was hard for me to grasp in the beginning but HE has a right to make those bad choices, he has a right to do as many drugs as he wants too it boils down to this it is HIS life to live as HE sees fit.

Now breathe a minute just because he has that right doesn't mean that what he is doing is OK but there is absolutely nothing YOU can do to make him stop you can't love it out of him if you could none of us would be here.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

So what can YOU do well you focus on you and figure out why you choose to live this way. A really good book most libraries have it is Codependent No More by, Melody Beattie.

Read post here, post here yourself, check the stickies especially the one about codependency and what addict do.

That is a good starting point. Take what you want/need and leave the rest.
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
I appreciate Secondwind's honesty, as a child I lived it, I was one of the many children who had no voice, whose mother was an alcoholic and a women who put men first, in her case multiple men, all of whom were abusive alcoholics.
I am so sorry you lived that dolly.

My honesty made me physically sick when i reread it.

I have been in denial for a long time.

I lost my oldest daughter from my neglect of her and AO drug abuse. She moved in with.her dad a few short months after AO had his first xanax binge. She was cleaning up the ketchup he spilled and he woke up choking on meatloaf and yelled at her to stop that her mother should me cleaning it up. I am grateful she got out and prayers she forgives me in time.

My teen son switches between shooting me looks of hate and shoulder pats of sympathy when he sees me cry.

My preteen daughter is a quiet voice that gets so lost in the chaos.

My forth child has passed... and i went for months not visiting her grave because i was so ashamed of myself.

My youngest.... knows AO's dealers by name and location and car.

I hate what i have done to them. I fear the damage that cannot be undone.

Sorry i didnt mean to take over the thread.

Your post spoke to me when you said you were due in march. My youngest was born march 16 2009. AO was high as a kite. The day i was to come home from the hospital i sat waiting and waiting for him to show up. He didnt answer phone for hours. I had AO's mother in the room with me trying to convince me he wasnt high.... just sleeping. Since then it has been hell.

You have to decide what is best for you and those little kids of yours. They and you deserve better though.

You dont have to give up on him - but you can decide not to be with him if he is actively using. A year of solid soberity might he a good start before you fully commit to him.

Sorry just rambling. My honesty has driven me to a dark place tonight... but there is light in all of this.

Carrie
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:42 PM
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Can't really add anymore to what the others have said..

I lived with an addict in active addiction for five years.. It was pure HELL and the longer I stayed the harder it was to leave.. Eventually staying got more painful then booting his ass out the door but even that was tough because the Codie in me thought i could still fix him...

I will NEVER EVER live with an addict in active addiction again and at this point in my life I don't think I could live with a recovering addict either ( no offense to my recovering friends here on SR, I'm just way to codependent to be in that type of relationship )

You must take care of yourself and your children.. your addict is going to do what he's going to do and he's going to say whatever it takes to keep you enabling him...
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:54 PM
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His addiction has taken over. He loves his drugs. Right now he is in active addiction and to be blunt NOTHING ELSE MATTERS He don't care who he hurts, who he lies to, who he steals from. The drug takes over and manipulation kicks in. You can not help him, he has to want to help himself. You can not be a enabler, when you enable a addict you are just helping his addiction.

Let me tell you something and I have never shared this with anyone on here. I have lost 1 house due to my daughters addiction, a chrysler 300 due to my daughters addiction. She got clean 28 months ago and last August 9th my house was burnt DOWN with 8 people inside at 4:11am.. From a drug dealer/x b/f of hers.. I had him put in prison he got out in July my house burnt to the ground August 9th. He caught the front door on fire a stranger kicked in the family room window and saved us. THIS IS WHAT ADDICTION CAN DO TO PEOPLE.. We are alive by the grace of God !!

I found my daughter overdosed September of 4th he left her there to die. I went to her house and found her drove her to the emergency room. She was detoxing, was going to rehab on Labor day he went to the hospital and shot heroin in her IV. She got high and LEFT they went on a crime spree. 18 cops chased him for 27 minutes. I turned my daughter and him in to the cops i told the police where they was. It was her life on the line. I went to the judged and BEGGED him to say NO BOND. She went to rehab was there 7 1/2 months i went to every family meeting I was going to meetings while she wasnt even home from rehab, I wanted to learn as much as I could about addiction. She left the man and she been clean ever since I thank GOD for this allday everyday. But the one thing I learned was I will love her forever but won't love her to death !!! If she chooses to go back to that life style then i will love her from afar. She won't be allowed to come visit she wont be allowed around her siblings. The choice is hers. She takes a drug test once sometimes twice a week. If I feel like she is acting with OLD behaviors then I go to Rite Aid and Buy a drug test...

For your children and yourself, think about your life. Read what I said in this post. This can happen to ANYONE. Good luck you are in my prayers xoxo
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Old 12-29-2012, 05:00 PM
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Thank you for sharing that onedayatatyme
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Old 12-29-2012, 05:02 PM
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Secondwind I sit on this site and I read and I read I do this because maybe just ONE time i can help someone. Thank You
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Old 12-29-2012, 05:22 PM
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OneDay...thank you for your post, for sharing your story. There is no doubt in my mind, your post will help many on this board, and, that includes me.
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Old 12-29-2012, 05:25 PM
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Also I have learned so much from this site. I have learned that addiction can effect the rich the poor, male, female.. I have had some issues with myself for not "seeing" her addiction. I was blaming myself for the struggles the rest of her life will be. I can honestly say now after I have read so many of these posts that I had NO way of knowing I have never used drugs, I never saw the signs before. So I am saying Thank u all for the help you have given to me !!
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