brokenrose

Hello everyone, first and foremost, I just registered today but have been reading your posts for about a month as a non-member and have to tell you all how much you have all indirectly helped me through a very difficult time:
Here is my story, in October 2010 my husband of 8 years left me out of the blue on a Wednesday night, saying he no longer loved me....we have a beautiful 6 year old son together....he packed a duffel bag and left the house, no warning, no lead up....after 3 months of trying to reconcile on my part, and him telling me he was leaving because I was difficult, etc.....I finally found out he had been having an affair with a younger woman who worked for him and moved in with her right away. Fast forward 2 years, they live together and have a 1 year old baby girl. Anyways neither he nor I were drinkers or substance abusers, we both came from great families, have amazing careers and had a beautiful home etc. Well naturally I was devestated: after about 6 months of separation and healing, I went on facebook and looked up an old friend (well he was an old friend with benefits), he was still single and I had not spoken to him in approximately 10 years. He immediately messaged me back and we hooked up, I was def. not looking for a relationship....so 10 years later here he was, still devestatingly handsome, living in an apartment with a roomate, working as a cook in a restaurant, no car, no license....still going to bars and living the life of a bachelor. Anyways, this time around he decides he is falling in love with me, calling me steady, wanting to see me all the time and saying "I will give up everything and everyone, if you date me". (I know tonnes of red flags). Well being emotionally needy and having a very goodlooking man pay me loads of attention was nice so I decided to date him.....yes he drank, probably 3 x a week as far as I knew and I then learned the roomate was an alcoholic but my guy kept saying he was nothing like him. We were together for a year and a half: he did many things right but lots wrong too: he would drink every Tues with his buddies and would be emotionally abusive to me on Wednesdays, calling me names, hanging up on me. He then broke up with me 2 months later out of the blue, he came back 2 days later. In total he broke up with me 5 or 6 times in our relationship but only for a day or so and always called back crying....my friends hated him, my family would not even meet him because of the fact that he didn't drive. I waited a whole year before introducing him to my son....In May of this year, he lost his job at the restaurant where he was working, he went nuts because of the amount of orders coming in and trashed the place, punching walls, throwing pots, and throwing the owner up against the wall......needless to say he was fired (he had worked there for 12 years) and his boss was like a mother to him but also an enabler. That night he didn't contact me and disappeared for 2 weeks just calling once to say he was suicidal and his life was in shambles and he needed time. I then found out he was doing coke which i had no idea about.....well I took him back and did everything possible to save him.....I got him a better job, a new apartment away from his roomate, and even a 2nd job to bring in more income. He basically was doing well and staying with me at my house 5-6 nights a week.....he met my son and though he was fine with him he was often moody and distant....he still drank a lot and I was constantly walking on eggshells. Each time he stayed at his own place he would get himself in trouble, not showing up for work, getting in a bar fight, getting beat up by 2 men in a bar and he would go out alone, telling me he was staying home and going to bed early....I saved his job, then exactly 2 months ago today, his buddy showed up on a work night when he was at his own place, they drank all night, the next day he made it to work and was awful to me (verbally abusive on the phone) and on Halloween quit the 2nd job, and broke up with me saying I was boring. I have not heard from his since, a few days prior to this he was telling me how lucky he was to have me, how I was beautiful, smart and amazing and the best thing that ever happened to him....I don't understand. I tried in the first 2 weeks to give him space but then caved when I started to fea he wasnt coming back this time and he didn't, we are no longer in contact and I am still grieving but I talk to his boss and she says he is doing really well.....how is that possible when he was such a mess with me? Please help you guys, I used to have it so together, i'm a teacher, I have an amazing family and wonderful friends but I can't stop crying or thinking of him and he was never even in my league.....yes he was goodlooking, and sweet when sobre but a monster when drinking and what about the cocaine, how could he have hidden that from me. Anyways I need some support from people other than my friends. Thanks for listening, you are all Godsends.

lovesunandsnow

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. The pain that is caused by their actions is more than anyone should encounter in their lifetime. I miss my ex-abf but really when I think about it he, like yours was not in my league. I can bet you anything he knew that. I’m sure he was trying to hang on to something he knew he'd never get again.

I'm still grieving my feelings and what my action were during my year and a half relationship with my ex-abf and it hurts, like painful couldn’t get out of bed hurt for days at first hurt. It feels like no one understands kind of hurt unless you’ve been there. So I do understand and so do so many others here on SR, it is a great place to come for knowledge

For me, I have been doing good working the steps to getting my life back on track but I feel like I’m hitting another round of grieving. It stinks – I don’t think he thinks about me, or worries about me because if he did things would have turned out different.

At this point work on you, thinking about what could have been things that he has said he wanted or didn’t want and what he could have become is a waste of time. I really thought my ex-abf could have been so much more in life, I saw a man but really he is a boy that is happy with his decisions and I just couldn’t handle that answer/action from him.

My lesson and many other lessons with alcoholics are hard, but for me what I’ve learned is actions really do speak louder than words. They say hurtful things and nice/kind things but really did their actions back up any of it? I know mine didn’t and I wish I could go back and say wait a minute you want this but where is the action to show me you want me? I’m worth more than that drink in your hand or the drink you just had that is now hidden in the cabinet so I might not see it to know how much you’re truly drinking.

It always felt to me he had an affair, and really he did it was with his beer. I was not the only one in the relationship but his drinking won but in the long run no one wins it’s a battle that is now over for me in the way of we are not together anymore and I hurt but my hurt will never compare to the pain he (ex-abf) will continue to have if he never becoming sober! The sad part is my ex-abf thinks he is fine but I know different the last time at the doctors they were worried about his liver. That red sign was at the middle point of our relationship when he was I just started noticing the lies, manipulation and him just taking me down financially.

It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to not know how to deal with your emotions they will work themselves out in time and by posting here and reading you’ll become more knowledgeable that soon you’ll see it’s all okay and maybe just maybe it was for the best the relationship run its course.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, brokenrose. Wow, what a ride, eh?

I am glad you have been reading here; I hope it is beginning to dawn on you that you've been caught in the crazy train ride of addictions, and you can choose to get off anytime.

He may be doing well right now, but chances are high that won't last, and chances are even higher he is hiding it from others who are not as close to him as you were.

This is not about you. You didn't cause him to drink, you can't control it (no matter how many great apartments and jobs you find for him), and you can't cure it. You sound like a person who does have a life ahead of her, with a wonderful son and a great career waiting for some of your attention again. In other words, hon, your life is waiting... go live it!

There are lots of great folks here who will be along soon to offer their experience, strength, and hope. You've found a great place to learn some new tools for coping with these kinds of challenges. Keep coming back!
~T

dollydo

He will never be the man you want him to be. He is an addict, he is just doing what addicts do. Dealing with an active user is pure chaos, a roller coaster ride from h#ll.

I know that you do not see it now, however, he has done you a real favor. You are mourning a relationship that basically had no chance of surviving.

You could not save him, what you were doing is enabling him, trying to resolve his problems for him, that only makes everything worse, not better.

Be kind to yourself, grieve, be patient, this too shall pass.

thislonelygirl

I am sorry this has happened to you.
1. The situation with your x husband
And 2. The situation with this new guy.
In my opinion what makes us codies is that we unknowingly and eventually sometimes
Knowingly find ourselves people we want to "save" people who arent so perfect because we arent
I feel for you because you went from one heartbreak to the next and even if its back and forth with this guy...he will continue to break your heart. I too found my ah a wonderful job...a stable home etc and through it even though there is a glimpse of happiness and thanks ....he is an addict and that glimpse of him is gone while he is using. I too have been emotionally abused used and lonely.
But there is one thing for sure without a doubt in all the confusion. He must want it for him...no matger what I do . Dont do or say...I can give him the world....I can give him oceans of love ....he can win the lottery never work a day in his life...no one ever dies....bad thinfs never hapen. It would not matter ...there will always be a reason to drink until he finds that one not to and not you or anyone else can give that to him.
I hope you set boundaries and work on you. You deserve to be happy and not the heart break you have been shown

brokenrose

Hi everyone and thankyou for the kind responses.....I have come a long way in these 2 months that he's been gone, I texted him a few times in the first month, just to try and get some answers to why he left and because he owed me some money, which he did repay last Friday and I promised myself I would not contact him again and I have not, not even at Christmas. I just find it so difficult to understand how he (they) can detach so easily and erase a year and a half together as if it never happened...I didn't do anything wrong except love him and support him, I tried not to enable him, as in I never gave him money to drink but I have learned from all of you that I was enabling anyways just by helping him in every other way....I really thought he loved me but after 2 months I suppose he never did or could....I sometimes feel horrible because I keep wishing that his boss would call and say he got fired or find out that he was evicted, but wishing ill upon him doesnt change the outcome for me I suppose and then I feel like a bad person. I know in the end he is losing, and eventually he will not be able to deny all the problems the drinking has caused him but for now he seems to be doing well. I think when his friend came back into his life 2 months ago (that friend I later learned had broken up with his gf of 2 years and lost his job), my boyfriend just figured he'd replace me with a drinking buddy. Who knew that at 42 years of age, he'd prefer that to a life with me....I promise I will never contact him but I can't deny that I still hope in his heart he misses me and regrets the loss or maybe will even contact me someday. I hope Im stong enough to say goodbye, its just the lack of closure that hurts the most, I have been abandoned by men who I thought loved me 2x in 2 years......not easy. Thank you all for listening.

Recovering2

I"m glad you're starting to see this for what it is. The only relationship the A cares about is the one with alcohol. You can find him work, give him money, a place to live, love him with all you have. It doesn't matter as long as the addiction is active. It's not about you. And all of that enables his disease. Focus on you. So your first husband is still with the gf, that is no reflection on you. In our own mind, say a prayer wishing him well, then let it go. What matters is YOUR happiness, so in 2013 turn the focus on getting to know you and what makes you happy.

LifeRecovery

It was an actual affair on my husband's part that got me dealing with his drinking concerns also.

Both the alcohol use and the affair made me crazy.

I am finding that as I heal from one I am healing from the other. So my question is what have you done to help your healing from both these things in your life (that are really hard and lifechanging)?

brokenrose

Hi guys, for some reason am having a very difficult time today.....I keep reading posts and I know its all normal and part of the grieving....but God it makes me crazy that the one that is supposed to be messed up (Axbf) has moved on so easily and the one that had it all together is crumbling.....I have been over a week no contact this time, but had gone almost 3 weeks no contact last month but feeling like I'm getting worse not better...I have no idea if he is with someone new or how Christmas was for him, I thought for sure he'd at least text at Christmas to see how my son was doing but nothing.....it makes me crazy, I know he is actively drinking and probably doing coke too, but I just can't shake this feeing of rejection, maybe because he manipulated me so many times in the past and would just break up with me but then come back.....what the hell made him stay away for good this time. Please help guys, I feel like Im losing it.

brokenrose

Oh and to LifeRecovery (by the way thanks for the response) the only thing Ive done so far is go to one counselling session, I have another booked for Jan 5th. I have read so much on alcoholism and its progression plus have read so much on all these posts, and I know I have dodged a bullet but I just cant believe that he would just walk away without a backwards glance, no regrets nothing.....and he seems to be doing well, or at least had managed to keep his job for 2 months and pay his rent.....I have ordered the book codependent no more on amazon and I have been going no contact which you guys all say is the right thing to do.....have considered going to Alanon meeting but am not sure if I need to, I will see if they have any in my area, maybe it will help. Any other suggestions. I do spend loads of time with family and friends and keep as busy as I can, I do have 2 weeks off because of the holidays so maybe that is why my brain is constantly going back to him because I'm not busy at work.....I don't know, it just rattles me. He was so needy and loving with me and then poof just gone, like I never existed at all. What a horrible thinkg to do to someone.

LifeRecovery

I found Al-Anon to help me with affair healing (which is not the point) and healing from the binge drinking too. When I asked about help I mean from your significant other that cheated too. Though I don't know that affairs and alcohol are related, their impact on me felt similar....and I have needed to heal from both. Were you able to get help around the affair?

I learned that feeling is really hard when you are numbing out to it with substances....so while it might look good on the surface it is really a way of not feeling (typically) in my significant other.

I on the other hand was feeling enough for both of us. I also spent so much time worried about him, and I did not do a very good job of taking care of myself.

Is there something you can do for you today to help?

brokenrose

Hi LifeRecovery, in terms of getting help for what my husband (non-alcoholic) did, as in the affair which lead to the demise of my marriage: I went to counselling a lot! The problem there was the first 3 months he left he blamed the end of our marriage solely on me, stating I didnt love him anymore, was distant, controlling, nagging....and you know what I believed him!!!! He had me so worn down and defeated that I thought he was right, it must have been all my fault....and then I found out (via private investigator) and the truth came out, it was someone else all along, to this day he tries to deny it but he has let it slip that they began to have an emotional affair at work 6 months prior to his sudden departure, the night he physically left the marital home he moved right in with her....basically what I'm trying to say is, by the time I found out he had left for somebody else, it was almost a relief to me because it meant I was innocent (as innocent as any loving wife and mother could be, we all have our faults). So once that knowledge was gleaned, I was able to let go and by then I realised he was a real monster and I figured she could have him....plus a lot of my energy went into lawyers and protecting custody of my son (his father is a good father and has joint access but only every other weekend) and all my assetts. That helped me with the affair, 6 months later, I jumped into the relationship with the alcoholic, and the rollercoaster took off again.....hope this helped

LifeRecovery

(Just for me) I have a history of relationships (including friendships) with needy people in general. I have grown up with codependency and struggled with it as soon as we got married.

I was so fearful of getting into another relationship like the last one that I have not dated at all....and it is going on 2.5 years. I am afraid if I don't get some healing for myself I will attract another unhealthy relationship too.

It will get better.