ziv2

I have posted a couple of times here. First it was about how I was worried about my ABF. Second, it was because I was (and still am) struggling over my feelings about my ABF being in rehab. The message I got both times was - "You need to focus on yourself, and recover from your codependency"

So, I started by TRYING to read the book "Codependent No More" that a lot of people in this community swear by. Please don't think I am bashing anybody - no offense at all - but I read half of that book, and could not read another page!

I could not identify with like 98% of the descriptions/symptoms/definitions of codependency. It seemed to paint a picture of somebody that 1.) has deep rooted family issues, 2.) that cares about others way more than themselves, and 3.) that has low self esteem and does not feel worthy of love.

Yes. I obsess over my boyfriend's alcoholism - and that is not healthy for ME. But OMG, I came from a good family, I believe that I have pretty high self esteem, and I am in no way a people pleaser. I actually see myself as a relatively selfish person - not the type of person that thrives on fixing other people's problems.

I was trying to find suggestions on how I can start being more healthy and focusing on myself. I did not find anything but the author harping on the definition of codependency. And the definition is ridiculous - basically anybody that cares about another person, and is affected by another persons behavior is a codependent according to this book!

Anybody else feel the same way about this book? And does anybody have any alternative suggestions on how I can start to recover? I guess I have been avoiding the whole "al-anon" idea... maybe that's what I have to do. I was hoping I could start with a book that I could actually relate to... but honestly, if everyone in Al-Anon is going to have the same approach/philosophy as "Codependent No More", I am majorly skeptical.

Again, I am not bashing anybody! Regardless on your views of this book, I have great admiration for everybody on this forum, you have been very helpful and supportive of me so far!

fluffyflea

Co-dependents are what Melody Beattie describes. If you feel that you don.t fitthat description that,s fine too. Take what you need and leave the rest. You,ll find what is right for you.

dollydo

Sounds like you are 100% A-ok in the area of codependency, no reason to keep reading that book.

Have you considered "Alcoholics Anonymous" also known as "The Big Book" ...been helpful to many who have a problem with alcohol.

m1k3

Zig, I felt the same way when I first read that book so don't worry about it. You recognize that you are obsessing with your BF's behavior and that is a good start.

A big thing I learned here and in Al-Anon is the three C's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

I was trapped in the illusion that somehow I was responsible for saving my wife. Once I started to see that here decisions were hers and not mine it started to get easier to detach from the problem.

I highly recommend going to Al-Anon. You don't have to buy into the whole program, I know that I didn't and still don't BUT it is so helpful to have a place to go where you feel safe and people actually get what you are talking about. Much like this forum you will meet all sorts of different people with all sorts of different views and in all stages of recovery. One of the sayings is Take what you want and leave the rest.

Check out six or so different meetings as each of them will have its own flavor.

Your friend,

Tuffgirl

I thought I was from a "good family", am highly educated, border on selfish myself, and so on. And I was highly offended when my therapist started calling me co-dependent. Like you, I viewed my love (and obsession, because really that is more of what that love is) for my husband as normal and natural in a marriage, albeit my definition was regarding a healthy marriage, not a dysfunctional one built on addictions.

Two years later, I can see a lot of myself in that book. It doesn't mean that I now have a label to drag around behind me forever. It means I have some of my own dysfunction to work on.

Because this topic gets debated to death here at least once a quarter, I won't go into great detail about the terminology itself, but I will say your perspective on Beattie's definition is a bit off. What you think co dependence is, is more along the lines of "interdependence". Google both - lots of interesting stuff out there on this topic. And of course, search the term here, too. Don't just base your view on one book.

Another good one I read early on is "Emotional Unavailability" by Bryn Collins. I also found some worthy information in "Women Who Love Too Much", I forget the author.

And of course, feel free to talk with a therapist - preferably one who specializes in addictions, if you feel like getting a more professional opinion. Mine was a Godsend.
~T

takecourage

I have been wondering for years what co-dependency actually is.

I am married to to an alcoholic who has not had a drink in 30 or so years. He has mostly been content to let the kids and I do our own thing (scouts, whatever) and he has laid on the couch or sat on the recliner and watched TV when he is not working or sleeping, and I have let him. It's been an alright arrangement. I've expected very little and been blessed with a pretty good life. Every once in a while, he ventures out from in front of the TV and does something with us. Sometimes it makes me sad that I can't truthfully call my husband my best friend or my soul mate, but it passes. Never thought of myself as co-dependent.

In the last 18 months or so, though, he has started to feel left out. He has become increasingly controlling. He is jealous and suspicious of anything I do that involves my faith outside of attending Mass once a week on Sundays. He has verbalized the idea that if he is home, I should be home - except for work, of course. He is anxious about nearly everything. I feel smothered. I feel like I am being drowned so that he can keep his head above water. He has expressed the need that he should "hold me back" from moving forward with my relationship with God (because he thinks it takes away from my relationship with him). Now I feel like he is trying to make me into some co-dependent witch.

This site has been good. As someone else said, both hopeful and depressing at the same time. I don't even want to consider leaving. I've been to one al-anon meeting and could relate to some of what was said. I need to try others. My priest, in confession, has had good advice and support. I know that I need some help with setting boundaries; I probably need to connect with a counselor again. I have sitting in front of me - on my keyboard - I am entitled to what I need. I am entitled to take care of me.

Don't know exactly my point.

But welcome, from someone who doesn't really feel all that co-dependent.

StarCat

I had a tough time with "Codependent No More" as well, especially since XABF had used various concepts from it (he had read it years prior, as he would admit his father's alcoholism but not his own) in order to manipulate me. That said, I did get a lot out of it when it started talking about the steps in detail, so if you don't think the bits you're reading are helping you can skip ahead to the next chapter and the next until you find something that does speak to you.

A book that did help me a lot, especially the exercises in the back, was "Getting the Love You Want." While I disagree with some of the stuff in the introduction, the bulk of the book helped me to figure out why I was picking the people I was picking for my relationships.
The exercises are written to be done with your partner, but all but one can be modified to do by yourself - just be prepared, I found myself dragging up feeling I didn't know I had, so don't do them unless you have time afterwards to work through any surprise feelings.